Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I am the devil....

Tad

First off unless requested by some legal authority I would not give her chit. She is gonna get pisses off. She may yell. She may have a tantrum. Right now you need to do for you.

That said, I may get critized for this comment and that's fine...

Tad chances are you will get divorced. Does the possibility exist that you will not? Yes...but personally I would plan your life for you. Without her in it. Can this change in the future? Yep. For now protect yourself.

Stop for a second and realize a few things.....

She has said some pretty nasty chit to you


She has left the house

She has gone hot then cold then hot

She removed your pictures from the alt

She has trashed you

She has blamed you for everything

She has kicked you when you were down

Now stop and realize YOU MY BROTHER ARE STILL STANDING.

That Tad is strength...not mine, not j3b, not aim, not antonia, not 25, not grit, not mhl, not PEI....mole YOUR STRENGTH BROTHER YOURS AND YOURS ALONE.

stop being afraid of the divorce. Stop being afraid to get pissed off. Stop being afraid to speak truth. Stop it.

Your a good guy tad. I see it and many others do. Do you?

Do for you Tad...look away from her.

Now close your eyes......picture yourself a year from now.....nice tan, your working, kids are happy, your getting dress ready to go hit the night life..you look over at a amazing women next to you. Can you see it.....

This could be your life dude.....ya have to go get it. You have to want it.

Your choice.

Oh......the amazing women......well she could be your wife.....you can decide that Tad. Your MOTHERFU&KING CHOICE!

First you must let go Tad....must let go. Let go of her, let go of fear, let go of everything in your life that causes you pain...let it all go..even the guilt.

You got this man.....you do.

Finally a poster here is a friend of yours on the alt. He is one of my friends to. If ya want friend me....my contact info is on the alt....


Your not alone.....do not be afraid....

God Bless
eric

Back to the pool I go.

Tad

One other thing ....so you know I am in the middle of my divorce....


Do what is fair and just. Do not think that throwing yourself on her sword will snap het out of it. Nope. Chances are it will not. You do not have to be a dic# ....just be firm. She wants this then she should deal with the aftermath.

Good luck

Thanks Diana, AJ, Cadet and Eric.

Eric, I will look you up on the alt.

Diana, the pre-mediation meeting is actually court-ordered. They want us to try to settle things before the actual mediation.

I've made up my mind that I am not giving her some of the info that she requested. It is none of her business.

I remembered something last night. She told me back in February of 2009 that she actually had suicidal thoughts. Should I have done something then? Is that a clue to how warped she is or that she has issues to deal with?

* THE LATEST *

I went to pick up S16 tonight and did not get out of the car. W made comment to S16 "Looks like your dad doesn't feel like talking." How the hell does someone look when they feel like talking? She also made the comment to him that my haircut looked nice.

S16 confirmed that she is still talking to OM, but I still get the feeling that it has cooled down.

S16 told me that she sat down and drank an entire bottle of wine last night. That's funny. She told me that the reason she drank while she was with me is because she was so unhappy and I should have picked up on her unhappiness because of the drinking.

S16 also says that she keeps saying that she left her husband, but did not abandon her kids. I think that maybe she is trying to convince herself.

I am convinced that she has totally lost her mind. I'm also convinced that I may be in the process of losing mine from this whole mess.

Tad

Tad

And loose your mind you will. Sir step off the rollercoaster.please.

In terms of her thought of suicide...you still think something you did or did not do caused her to loose her fu*king mind. That is not the case with a life crisis.

This is her issue. This is her battle to fight all you can do is get out of the way. Let me give you another example.....say you were an auto car salesman a few years ago...the market and economy crashed so you were forced to look for a different type of career. You end up finding a job as a banker....which in turn CHANGES how you interact at your work. No more sales pitches....no you work in a cube as a result you no longer have he type of fun and jokes you used to have when you were a salesman....so your personailty at work changes - you work to fit in.

Did you have to change? Probably not but it just happened.

Is it your new employers fault? I would think not...it just happened.

Could you change back to your old work personality? ABSOLUTLY and therin lies my point. In the above example you changed.....and maybe you decided to change back ...maybe you didn't. It is no ones fault....it just is.

Your w has for whatever reason decided to change and she and she alone is the only one that can choose to change back.

Will she? Wtf knows. If I was diagnoised with cancer and told that I had a 20% chance to live....does that mean I am going to die? I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Tad you need to step back and take a look at where you are and what it is that you really want.

I can tell you that for me I want to be happy.

For me I learned that my happiness is not someone else respnsibilty.

For me I learned that no matter what obsticle you put in front of me I will survive.

For me I learned that I define Eric....not my wife, not my friends, fuc# not even my kids.....me...and me alone.

So Tad who'd do you want to be? What do you want in your life?

You may think you NEEDyour wife - you don't. You may feel that you will not make it wihout her.....you will. You may feel uunworthy, unlovable, feel like a victim, feel like a piece of chit.....you may feel a lot of things...

But

You tad change change all of his. Is it easy? Fuc* no but it is possible. You will realize this when you stop worryingand wondering about what your w thinks, feels or if she is is not mlc. The more energy you expand on her he less u expand on you!

Fu#& what she thought about if you stepped out the car, fuc@ ifshe is or is not talking to OM. what I hope you come to realize is that You are worth it...you are worth your best. Your wife cannot help here Tad....only u can do the work on you.

Be the man you want to be...

God bless
Eric

Tad,
You've gotten good advice from everyone. Eric's postings are spot on. You can change, but it's hard work and you have to be happy w/the changes that you make and they must become permanent. As for your wife, she changed and unfortunately, for now, they aren't the best changes in the world. But, she's the only one that can make the right changes/choices for herself.

Tad, take the comments that your son is providing you with a grain of salt. I suspect that your wife is feeding the comments to your son, hoping against hope, he would tell you about them. The comments are keeping you off balance and you need to find your balance and try to stick to it. Okay?

Tad, keep the focus on you and your children. Learn about yourself and you will discover that you can be happy once again being you and that you do not need your wife to define who you are.

Take care.

Whether your W is dragging your son into this deliberately or he is taking the initiative...

I would remove him (and protect him) from the relationship you currently have with his mother.

She will do things to jeopardize what S16 thinks of her and his relationship with her.

You can't help that.

Just don't contribute to it. She is still his mother. Don't let your anger and confusion about your W is doing to you undermine that fact.

Thanks Eric, Snodderly and True.

Snodderly, I've missed you. Thought maybe I upset you some how. Thanks for checking in.



Why? Just to hurt me?

True,


Yep. She has done things that has jeopardized her relationship with all of the boys.

Eric, It was very nice talking to you man. I appreciate you taking the time buddy. Wish I could get to the place you are at. Hopefully someday.

I'm a little down today. I was fine this morning until a friend of mine told me what her FB status said. Guess I need to tell my friend to keep it to himself. Her status reads: "God has brought me joy!"

On that note, has anyone ever known an MLCer to build a relationship with God? W made it known to EVERYONE while we were married that she was agnostic. Now, she is all about God. That's great. Just weird.

Also, why do MLCers get sooooo upset when you mention MLC to them? I haven't mentioned it to W in months. Just wondering about it though.

We have our pre-mediation meeting tomorrow morning. I'm sure that I'll be starting a new thread then.

Wish I felt better today....

Tad

Does it surprise you to feel wobbly at this point? I don't think it should surprise you even if unwelcome my friend.
I just realized and had it hammered home that this is my 20th anniversary week AND the week I sign the sep and likely divorce papers. Mind f*%$ anyone?
But here's the thing. Am I wobbly right now? Yep. A little crazy? Yep. Is it unfamiliar? Nope. Do I know how to handle it? Yes I do! And I will. And I will be finer than frog's hair

So will you Tad. Take it as it comes and realize that this isn't about you. This is about her. You have done NOTHING to deserve this. You haven't missed anything. You could not have prevented this. When you walk in the room tomorrow, have that thought in your head.

Be good.

AJ

Tad,
I don't post as often as I use to do. I still read, but there are so many here that are providing exceptional advice, that I step back and let them take the floor as I can't say it any better than they do.

As for your wife, they sometimes drop comments/statements on to others, i.e., hoping that they will get back to you. It's to get a reaction from you and to string you along. Maybe her comments are innocent ones and she meant them, but who knows what is going through her mind. But, do not react to anything she says or does in front of your children or her. Your children need to be left out of the equation when dealing with her nutty behavior. It's very difficult for them to see this going on and not to take sides. If your son relays any comments about what she has said, just smile and let it go.

Your friend needs to stop relaying to you what is out on Facebook. You are not at a place whereby it will just roll off your back yet. You willl need to let him know the next time he wants to tell you something and advise him that you are just not interested.

Some mlcers will embrace god and religion during their crisis and others may go the other way. Whatever they were prior to mlc, they will now be the oppoosite. Just remember, they do not like to be diagnosed as having anything wrong with them. They do not think it's them, but us...to them, everything is fine and that they are not acting out of character. They see absolutely nothing wrong with what they are doing. If they did, they would have crashed and burned from the guilt, etc. They can' face that guilt right now. Some will later on and others will remain forever in crisis or a pod person.

Good luck tomorrow! I'll be checking on you in the evening.

Re: her FB status update, here, Tad, I'll top it.

My XH sent me a check in the mail about 5 months post-bomb because he wanted to give some money towards vet bills. He wrote a note with the check: "I'm sorry that I had to become the worst person that you could conceive of in order to become the best person I could be. You don't deserve this. I am shocked at my own behavior. But it is what it is and I won't insult you by saying anything more about it."

Let that sink in, Tad.

The best person my XH could be was an adulterer who abandoned me? "it is what it is?"

THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS. There is no explanation. This stuff is in them from childhood. The MLCers have such similarities in terms of backgrounds. They are ticking time bombs. We ignore the signs because we love them so much. OR, we can't see the signs because they are such masters at hiding their true selves. I hope, I HOPE, that most of them get right somewhere down the road, for their own sake. But there is nothing you or I can do to hasten their recovery. They have to want it. BADLY.

Look I just read a book by Rachel Hadas, a memoir called Strange Relation. It's about her husband, who was once an accomplished composer and professor at Columbia who got some rare combo of types of dementia. She went from being his long-time love to his caregiver for years, till she could no longer handle him. He had gone completely quiet. He was, for all intents and purposes, "gone" to her, yet living in their house. She had to put him in a facility. He's never "coming back." There is nothing that can be done.

I met her at a reading of her work and told her that one thing she said really spoke to me as the ex-spouse of an MLCer. She said that the worst thing she felt when she "lost" her husband to this disease was that she had CHOSEN her fate, in that she one day a long time ago CHOSE a life with him. That the life she chose eventually became her prison, because what could she do when he could no longer remember her or the life they had? Abandon him? Or stay locked in this prison with him?

Eventually she chose to let him go. He's in a facility and she is getting her life without him back. She grieves SO deeply. But she had to let him go. The dynamic was destroying her.

The reason I'm relating this story to you is this: if you stay in this place where you are trying to break the code to the puzzle of why, if you stay in her drama, and if you do not get past it all, you are locking yourself in prison WITH HER. Have you seen Inception? In the midst of my crossroads, I saw that movie. It was a real eye opener for me. Watch it, you'll see what I mean.

Eric keeps talking to you about choice, which is exactly what he helped me with, and it IS about choice. You can choose to stop fighting what's going on. Accept that you will likely be divorced. Accept that you will be without her. Stop fighting it. Then move from there.

I forget where I read this the other day but I read that most of our pain comes from our failure to just simply accept our current situation. If we accept it, we stop fighting it, and our pain will lessen drastically.

Every time you see yourself slipping, visualize that you are in the doorway of a cell, and that cell door is shutting you in with her and her insanity. Push the door open and walk out. Leave her the "key" so she can get out WHEN SHE WANTS TO. But you need to walk out.