the problem with linking understanding to empathy to forgiveness is that logic doesn't apply in this case.
logic went out the window a long time ago, emotions are driving now. analyzing her actions, looking for sense will only make you crazy. there are patterns and guidelines, but these are flexible, there is nothing concrete except what you can do for yourself, by yourself.
and as Sandi pointed out, does the answer really change anything?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I don't know why I feel the need to analyze it... I'm just trying to understand what my role in this is that got us here.
I think that with understanding comes empathy, which is part of forgiveness. I am trying to work my way to a point where I can forgive her.
Simple, you stopped being attractive. You probably got complacent and unexciting. Your W was tired of feeling what she felt and someone came along and met her emotional needs. It happens to all us LBH's. She has trouble communicating what she wants so she made a horrible choice on stepping out of the marriage with OM.
In hindsight, I lost myself and ultimately lost her. However, I did everything for ME and forgave myself. Once I found my happiness and let go of the outcome, I forgave her.
Oh, and you know what it's not MY fault that she cheated and deceived me. That's her problem. Same for you. You will wake up one day and know this. It's all about you man. Her problems are hers.
Hi Ken Just popping in to say hi and offer some support. Like you, I have a tendency to over analyze. It drives me crazy when things don't make sense. I always need to know why. Sometimes the motivation can be realized much further down the road, but not while standing in the muck. I'm not very familiar with your situation, but one thing I know about a cheating spouse is that the as a general rule - they lie. Don't believe what she says. I think honest communication and eye contact is always important when possible. But what you should be focusing on is you and the kids. Don't let her see the agony you are in. Fake it til you make it. Be light, happy, busy. When plagued with worries and negative thoughts, replace them with thoughts about the things you should be concentrating on. Replace a bad thought with a good one. What can you do to make you a better and happier person? What are your gal goals? Be on your path with or without her.
I am starting to see some changes in my W behavior. Since her weekend away she has been going to bed early, and she has been more distant to me. I am wondering if she is starting to question her "Plan". I on the other hand have broken a barrier. I am happy and have come to terms with my wifes decision. I know that IF we cant work things out, I will be fine.
Thought
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Johnnieno1, I'm glad to see you are gaining more self-confidence and strength. Your W will continue to change almost by the minute; as an example, here are the changes I've seen my W go through just in the last few weeks:
Sleeping a lot Staying up until 2 A.M. on her computer Extremely pleasant and warm to me Extremely unpleasant and cold toward me Leaving her phone out in the open for me to "see" Carrying her phone with her everywhere she goes Laughing a lot Crying a lot
You get the picture...
You'll make yourself nuts trying to analyze or assign any logic to your W's behaviors. Once I stopped trying to do that with my W it was as if a great weight was lifted. Somewhere I read that the WAW is like an emotional, irrational angry 15 year old. Looking at it in that light helps me when I am dealing with the ups and downs.
Keep the light shining on you and your kids.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Another good day today, getting used to my contacts...
I am in a good mood, w in good mood too. Still wondering about her strange behavior, bed early, sleeping later than normal, all week. My daughters are coming home tomorrow, my w is going to pick them up. I am doing my 180s, not sure what the next step will be, that up to her, when she is ready to talk, I am ready to listen. I am optimistic,
I know that no matter what happens, I'll be ok. I will find someone new if things dont work out. I believe in marriage, but I believe in happiness too. If we can't be happy together, then we will have to find a way to be happy apart. I can honestly say I have released the rope.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I must say I am disappointed in my W. She hasnt even acknowledged my birthday this morning. All the kids have, thank God for them.
So far I have been very good not talking about the R with her. I am having a tough time staying detached from her. It is clear to me that I still love her, but that she doesn't love me. My W loves our kids, and I love them too. I'm sure that my W is only here because she has no other options for where to live, or earn a living (she must feel trapped), and because she does not want to tell the kids and her family. My MIL, knows something is up, and was asking me questions about our R, 2 weeks ago. I told her that, I didn't feel comfortable discussing it with her and that she should talk to her daughter about it. My MIL agreed that I was right and that she would indeed have some conversations with my W when my W and the kids go there next week. My MIL will not shy away from talking to my W, and hopefully can help her sort out her head. I hope my W is honest and open with her mother, but I'm not counting on that. In the end, at least this will open the lines of communication between my W and her family. WAWs are very hard to understand. One minute friendly, the next distant. Case in point: yesterday, my W was having trouble getting her resume to load to an email, she actually asked for my help. Twice. She would have never asked me for help b4. Also, she has been going to bed 1 hour earlier and getting up an hour later than usual, for the last 2 weeks. It is a change in her behavior that I have noticed.
I am really conflicted, last week was a good week for being detached, but after spending the weekend together, I can feel my feeling for her resurfacing. I know that detaching is the only thing that will help me now. I am not sure why but I think in an effort the break my attachment to my W, I am starting to develop an attachment for someone else. I have recently {2 weeks} reestablished contact with a former co worker through Facebook. She was married when we worked together, and I never really took notice of her, until I was recommended by a friend to add her on FB. I have commented on her wall, and she has commented back. She is divorced now and listed as single on her info page. I must say, she is very attractive and that caught my eye. It is clear through her photos that she is a good mother to her kids and has GAL. Until a few weeks ago, I felt lost, but, now I know that if my W and I can't work things out, I will be ok. The experience with this person on FB, has taught me that I can have feelings for someone else and that I could be happy again. Ultimately though my dream is to rebuild a new marriage with my W and keep my family intact.
I am going to have a great day with my kids. I promised each of the yesterday, that I was giving them a gift today. That gift is a gift of time. I am going to spend 1/2 hour with each of them today doing whatever they want, my son wants to wrestle for his time, my youngest d wants to ride bikes for hers, and my oldest wants to play monopoly. I think we will all have fun. Ultimately, I will not expect anything from my W. Truthfully, I can't even call her my W anymore because she is so not the person I fell in love with and married. Truth is when I look at her I see a cold, distant, self centered, immature brat. Not at all the same person she was 18 months ago.
Anyways... Have a great day everyone!!!
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
