Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Can My Marriage Be Saved, Pt 2

Girl, my DB coach gave me a tug of war analogy regarding this when my W was h3ll-bent on D. He said if you let go the rope, the other person will no have to pull anymore. It'll take the focus off you and they may be able to see the relationship with more clarity. "What you resist, persists".

Chances are, he already knows you are not interested one bit in talking about D. You don't have to remind him.

So what do I do when he brings it up? I don't want to just walk away.

Rereading my last thread, I guess there's some good news. I'm in daily contact with the husband of his affair partner, and other than one little blip in her resolve, they've decided to work on their relationship.

He also spent some time asking me about some statements my H had made to his W about our relationship - obviously a lot of it was "rewriting history", and some of it was just plain untrue. He shared some of the untrue things his W had told my H - it's amazing how many lies they told each other (and probably themselves) in the course of 2 short months.

I guess if you're going to abandon your family and kids (he and she both have kids), you need to convince yourself it's really awful, and you have to lie to yourself to do it.

MC today. We'll see how it goes.

If you're dropping the rope so to speak, you go along with talking about it. My DB coach suggested I bring up before my W did as a 180. I was on eggshells all the time just hoping she didn't bring it up. It actually helped, but it was very, very HARD. I didn't execute it exactly as suggested, either. I did have to get my sporadic snide remark in there.

Also, it may be wise to at least consult with an atty, if you haven't already done so.

He's home now and cranky as all get out. I haven't asked why - I suspect he'd say "Work" or something about being around me being too stressful, but we're on day 5 of NC with OW (confirmed again with her H), so I suspect that's the more likely culprit.

Thinking of going to a festival on Saturday with S, but not sure about inviting WH, if he's going to act like a lion with a thorn in his paw.

Hey, I think if he brings D up it's a chance to validate his feelings but also state that is now how I feel and I don't believe in it.

That's the advice my DB Coach gave me hope it helps you. I haven't had a chance to hear from W and see how she feels.

Good luck.

I would invite WH. Give him the choice to attend but don't react if he says no.

You gave him the choice now it's his turn.

IMHO it's too soon for MC.
I can tell you that he is not going to be receptive at all and in fact is going to act like a spoiled teenager being pulled into the principal's office.

Here's my suggestion, but mind you, you will have to be very strong to do this. Stop hinging on his moods and build up your self confidence. Start dressing to kill when you're around him and go out without telling him where you're going. Go out and have fun with friends. Make yourself happy.

He's going to get angrier and moodier, and will try to pull you back into his drama. Right now the absence of the OW is going to create an emotional vacuum that he's going to try and fill with drama from you. After all, you're the reason why he's miserable right? Don't you believe it for a second! Again, think of him as a teenager. What happens when they don't get what they want? They get moody and upset.

Look at him, tsk tsk and then go about your own way. If he pushes you for an answer for the divorce, go and tell him that he can get the paperwork and you'll look at it when you have time. Then ignore him. Be sure you go out and act like you don't care about what he's doing. Again, think spoiled child.

Stand strong. He's going to implode when you validate that he feels bad, but in no way is it your job to make him feel better. That's his job.

This is a good point - thanks for the clarity.



That's what I was looking for as a response - that way I'm not arguing against it, I'm just not participating.

Bingo. In the meantime, enjoy time with your son. Every now and then you can ask him to join you two but not all the time. If you ask him to join you two and he gives you a snarky remark like "oh now you want to talk to me", just say "just thought I'd ask", smile and leave.

In fact, get some fresh flowers for yourself and put it in the house. He'll start getting paranoid and asking where you got it from and even if you told him you got them for yourself, he won't believe you. People in A's will think that their spouse will act and do the same things they do.

Right now you're a stationary target that he can direct all of his frustrations on. Make yourself a MOVING target.

Most importantly be confident and strut your stuff no matter how nasty he gets. Did you ever see the movie "The Waterboy"? In it Adam Sandler pictures the heads of different things on people's bodies to get him confident. Think of a crying baby when your H is going off.

You're making me miserable wah wah! I want my mommy (OW) wah wah!