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Geocaching went ok. H got irritated at S a few times for little things. By the end he was in a bad mood. I haven't said much since we got home. Trying to get past my irritation first.

Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and say,"ugh, whatever! Just go!". I don't because I don't mean it but sometimes it's tempting.

Had a hard time tonight. Had to leave for groceries to have some time to calm down. Cried in the bedroom a bit too, but I think he didn't notice. Which is good - no crying around him if I can help it.

We're refinancing our house - it makes sense regardless of if we stay together, but its hard not to see it as another nail in the "leaving" coffin. Tonight I took all the money out of our "Paris 2012" account to help pay for the refi. It was supposed to be a combo 10th anniversary/40 birthday for him. Hit me kinda hard. Not really sure what, if anything, to say. Thought if he asked I'd just say that, but worry I'll cry. Anyway.

Have been trying not to "follow" him. He's been preoccupied with Warcraft tonight. Told him S seems to be missing him and had asked to be tucked in, so he's off to do that. He asked me if I want to finish a movie we've been watching after his shower. I said "I'd love to!", which is a bit more than my usual "sure, sounds fun", but not sure if he noticed.

Anyway, feeling a bit adrift and sad. Keep telling myself it's a marathon, not a sprint, but any words of advice would be welcome. Next step for me is to post my goals for feedback. Struggling with those a bit.

None of my stuff seems to be posting? Could really use some guidance.

Had a bad morning but good evening (so far). H said this morning I'd been "cranky" "all night last night" and "all morning". Pointed out that I started my morning stepping in cat puke, and that I wished he'd pointed out my bad mood last night. Said the refi hit me a little, and left it at that.

I mailed him once (bad! need to not mail first) about some changes at work - he responded with a few paragraphs, so I responded (bad, again!) asking if we could talk about it tonight - said I'd value his thoughts/perceptions. The chat went well - we chatted about other stuff while cooking dinner together, then chatted through dinner, and a bit after. Probably a full hour of talking, so that was nice.

I left to come to the office (ending contact first).

He mailed me later in the day about some refi stuff, then called me toward the end of the day to tell me he couldn't find his wallet (during the call he said "Not really sure why I called you, but .. wanted you to know, I guess") and then mailed me to say he'd found his wallet.

So, some contact initiated by me (trying to stop, usually much better), lots initiated by him. Not sure what if it means anything - still observing.

Glad my posts got through - was starting to worry I was cursed.

Last night wasn't awesome. H spent until bedtime on the computer, ignoring me. Nothing new, but still discouraging.

H was cheerful this morning, so that was nice. I was able to throw off my "morning crankies" after I posted, so that helped.

Struggling with the fact that it's hard to get him to spend time with me, especially without asking. I usually say, "I'm going to X", or "I thought I'd take S to Y" and then let him say "Sounds good, let's do it" or "Have fun". Other than one instance, it's been "Sounds good". We've been watching a 2 part miniseries together - he didn't mention it last night, and tonight is one of his "Warcraft" nights, so I did say, "Maybe we can finish the movie tomorrow?" and he seemed enthusiastic. Bad, though - need to not invite him to do stuff with me.

Thinking of texting him later to say, "I'm going to stay downtown and do some stuff - please have S in bed by 8:30, I should be home at a reasonable hour", and then maybe get a mani (Since I didn't last week) and buy a couple of books or something.

Thoughts?

Just bumping - any thoughts on how to let H know I find him desirable and attractive (one of his big needs, if not the biggest) when we are not being intimate. I need not find a non-guilt inducing, non-awkward verbal way to do it but am having a hard time with it.

Went out after work tonight and got a manicure and my brows done. Did a little shopping and then at dinner at the mall. Was nice to go out and do something for me.

Wish my posts would show up sooner - hard to get feedback this way.

Trying not to be too hopeful, but H said "I love you" to me today, of his own volition - I've not been saying it.

Again, trying not to be too hopeful, but. Still nice.

Mornings are hard for me. I can stay positive, for the most part, the rest of the time. But mornings are when I want to throw in the towel.