Had a talk tonight after MC. I asked how he can say he's "trying" to work on our relationship when he's constantly hiding from me - upstairs when I'm in the office, in the office when I'm in the bedroom, basically no interaction with me at all.
He agreed he had been hiding, and it's because it's too hard to be around me - I'm always sad, I make him feel sad this is honest,^^^ albeit painful information to hear. Just b/c someone believes something to be true now, doesn't mean it is, OR that it won't change. But you have to accept that it's how he thinks he feels.
Let him have his space in a way that does NOT feel like hiding. And since you know your sadness isn't drawing him in
do something different...like Not being sad in front of him. Fake it til you make it, can work better than you know.
He said he can't get over the past, and now the MC is saying regardless of what happens with us, he personally needs to find a way to come to terms with it - that seemed to hit him. No one can be happy if they hold onto their past' painful experiences. Happiness requires letting go of grudges and the "internal list of grievances" we all had at one point. We do this for US, not them.
- I don't want to be with someone who has given up on me. I don't want to talk about the marriage, the relationship, any of it - it's too much stress, it makes us miserable.
Then by all means STOP the R talk and don't initiate at all....period. If HE brings it up, veer off topic to more neutral subjects. the news won't be good if you "talk it out" at this point.
I told him I want to work on just being friends. Continuing to see the MC and trying to have a friendship - regardless of what happens, we need that, if only for our son. That seemed to make him feel better Then you know this helps things. You are trying to get him to just be comfortable around you. Lose the grief (in front of him at least...we know it's ACTING and many of us deserve Oscars...so be it)
Keep doing what works, b/c that's the essence of DBing...not reviewing the past and wondering what it is with HIM or what HE is thinking of...but doing what works! And NOT doing what doesn't work.
focus on you. YOU are all you can control and as long as you keep that hammering in your head, well, I think that where the head goes, the heart will, eventually, follow.
Fake it til you make it and at some point you'll be happy, for real.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Having sort of "reset" myself to be "friends" with him, which is really helping me to be more "normal" and cheerful around him. Right now my focus is on having positive interactions with him - it's hard to have those if he's always hiding, so there's a double benefit to behaving this way.
The weekend will be the true test, though. I do have some anti-anxiety medicine now, so hoping that will help take the edge off.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Having a hard time of it the last couple days. Since I started paying attention to suspicious behaviour, it's hard not to notice it. Trying not to let it sidetrack me.
It's been an ok morning - he's been chatty and "normal". He sent mail yesterday talking about two festival type things this weekend - one today, and one tomorrow - that he wanted to take S to. He asked me if I'd like to come, and I accepted, so we'll see how those go.
He also pointed out in the email that he had changed his Facebook profile picture (from one of us to one of him and S) and wanted to make sure I didn't read anything in to it - he just did it because it's a cute picture of S. I thought it was nice of him to reassure me.
I didn't respond to the mail - didn't seem like there was anything that couldn't wait until he got home.
Haven't been eating enough lately and I'm feeling that today - bit light-headed. Think some Eggo waffles will help!
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Haven't been eating enough lately and I'm feeling that today - bit light-headed. Think some Eggo waffles will help!
Maybe this is related to the having a hard time of it that you mentioned earlier?
I think most of us probably don't have quite the same appetites that we did before we found ourselves coming to this board, but one thing I've learned is the acronym HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. These are the conditions in which addicts are most likely to relapse.
In a way we are all trying to break from from our addictions to the negative emotions and habits that might hold us up from our 180's or GAL - or any other actions that are positive for us despite the context of being here - so maybe part of self-care for you is going to be making sure that you are well-nourished?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I haven't posted in a while because I confirmed that my H is having an affair. An online affair that has been going on for about 2 months (since about 2 weeks before he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore).
He wants to leave me to be with her. She's in an entirely different state - the state his parents live in. He planned a trip with our S to visit them and was planning to see her at the same time.
I asked him to stop contact with her so he could focus on being a good parent to our son. He was unwilling but finally did.
I told her husband about the affair - he confronted her and she initially wanted to work on the marriage, but he informed me today that she and my husband are "in love" and she wants to separate so she can pursue my husband.
My husband has said our relationship is over and this isn't an "affair" because of that. I'm fairly certain that once she informs him she's leaving her husband, he will leave our family for her.
I think I'm going to die.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
