Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I am the devil....

True, very true words my friend. You, AJ, MHL, Sunshine, Brooklyn, Jack, Trusting, Eric, Grace, Snodderly and so many others have been wonderful.

Today is the first day that I have cried in nearly a month. I thought that I was doing so well. I guess not.



Yes, and that is why it is so hard for me to believe that it is so EASY for HER TO LET ME GO.



More than you know my friend. Wait, I'm sure you do know.



I thought that I had until today. Realizing that she removed all of my pictures killed me. She looks so damn happy. She looks very happy. Either she is, or she is a damn good actress. Seeing that made me so damn sad.

She called S16 tonight and told him that she didn't know if she could pick him up this weekend because she doesn't know if she has enough gas in her car. She has a quarter of a tank left and doesn't get paid until next Friday.

Sometimes she will do something that gives me a little hope. Then she will turn around and do something that takes it all away. Or.....do something that shatters all hope and then does something that gives me some.

I might be divorced next month. Can't get over that fact. Next month is also our 26th anniversary. Ug......

Everything is my fault too. I am just so terrible in her eyes. My self esteem is shot to hell. The last time we actually had a conversation, she said that she would have given me a second chance, but I didn't give her the time and space that she needed. Did she mean that or was that just a way to put everything onto me? If she did mean it, then maybe things weren't really that bad?

She has even blamed me for thinking that she wasn't dark enough. Are you kidding? I love dark-haired women. My W is a beautiful dark-haired woman. I've never once made any comment to even infer that she wasn't dark enough. Maybe it is because I love Alicia Keys? I'm being serious.

She has blamed me for so much. Some of it is valid and I know that. Other stuff is just out there like: "you never took me to the right grocery store." THAT was her number one reason.

She is all about her new friends these days. Friends that I believe influenced her thoughts. Maybe I am wrong.

I really don't know how some of you do it. I admire the hell out of you. Wish we could meet someday.

I KNOW. I need to stop watching her. This is so hard. Maybe I just need a hug.....or a 2 X 4.

Tad

That's why you need to detach from her.

She is doing nothing for you right now.

I know easier said than done.

But this Tad:



Stop using her and her choices as a mirror.

This is your obstacle my friend. Your self esteem is shot. Understandably...

BUT

Not an excuse anymore Tad.

What will motivate you to change this?

Your own happiness?

The pain you are feeling?

Being a better role model for your S16?

There is nobody who can choose to do that but you Tad.

You can choose to be a victim (wallowing in memories, nostalgia and hoping for things you don't control)

Or

A survivor.

Realize the situation is not under your control and move forward.

Tad

Everyone is telling you to let go.

Let me try to explain something that I have just come to understand.

Until the MLC'er feels that the marriage is over they will not move forward. Now whether that means that you must become legally divorced or just mentally divorced(or separated) is part of the question.

Detachment is the single most important thing that you can learn. If there is any trick(I hesitate to say it that way) it is that you must LET GO and detach.

That does not mean that you can not have HOPE. But it must be done without EXPECTAION and with complete detachment.

Hang in there, this is going just according to script and it WILL get better.

Dude........Your W is BATSH!T CRAZY right now.......

and guess what?????

You are headed in the same direction if you continue to look at her and think about her and focus on her........

so much so that you are going to go crazy with her....

I hate to give 2X4's when someone is hurting.......

and I know you are hurting.....bad. I know.....

However.....you are headed to "Stucksville".



You are telling us the same things over and over again.....

I don't know how many times you have told us this....

yes it is crazy, doesn't make sense, its not logical.....


WE KNOW........and WE keep telling you to look away.

CLOSE FACEBOOK..........Get rid of it.......

I absolutely hate that FB is the barometer by which so many here measure the feelings of their wayward spouses.

This forum has been around longer than FB and I can tell you that FB while is a great communication source.....it is not a replacement for human interaction in the real world.

This is harsh TAD but you have to start doing the right thing for you.......if you don't you are going to be one messed up person.

If that scares you......good.

You are making progress......



Wow, a whole month without crying.....that is good. Look back over your shoulder.

That is pretty darn good considering where you were 5 months ago.

This won't be the last time that you have a "bad day"....

in fact the bad days will turn into bad moments and then they will fade away only to come back in flashes here and there....

but it does take time.....

and

focusing on you.

hang in there.

cheers

Tad,

Read Grit's post.

Now go back and read it again.

Do it?

Good.

Now do it again. And again, and again, and again ....


When my stbxH dropped the bomb I honestly thought my world was ending. I collapsed on the floor, was sick, dizzy ... I felt like it was all a nightmare that I just wanted desperately to wake up from. He demonized me, blamed me. I took it all on. I internalized it. Believed him. Self esteem shot to hell? Oh, I hear ya. Loud and clear. I was told that my control freak ways has emasculated him to a point where he felt small. He had no voice. He didn't feel like a man. He said I was selfish, controlling, manipulative, dominant and conflictual (is that a word?)

I started posting here and very early on I lucked into having vets like Coach, Greek and Puppy posting to my thread in Newcomers. I quickly jumped to MLC once I discovered it and again lucked out ... J3B, Grit, Eric, MHL, Mach, Brooklyn, Cat and so many others jumped in. They asked me the questions we're asking you. They pushed me. Turned things inside out and upside down so I could see them from a new perspective. Taught me to look at what I could control ... ME. But I had to do it in my own time, and I made many mistakes along the way.

Peace came when I chose to change my focus to ME. When I learned to love and trust myself again (an ongoing project btw). When I forgave myself for the mistakes I had made. When I chose compassion instead resentment.

Even now, the days that are less peaceful ('cause we all have them, even the "vets") are the ones where I am in "someone else's business" ... ie. I'm not focused on me and the things I can control. I'm not a religious person Tad, but the line "Let go and Let God" (whatever God means to you) is really very powerful.

I am a good person. I'm flawed, obnoxious by times and I talk too much. I love with everything I have, would give my last dime to friend in need and would die for my family. I'm a great mom. I'm a recovering control freak and I still like things done my way. I'm a good friend.

These things I know about me because they are true, not because someone else has said so. They are my truth. I chose to work on my flaws because I want to be the best ME I can be, not because someone else doesn't like something about me.

There are a few things that helped me along the way ...

Gratitude. This is HUGE for me. Find something everyday to be grateful for. As devastating as all this is ... your world did NOT end. My sister buried her 4 year old daughter a year before my stbxH left, you wanna talk for helping to keep things in perspective, that does it for me. Be grateful Tad. For small things, for big things, for challenges and opportunities. Learn to focus on what you DO have, not what you don't have.

Balance. This means so many things to me. Work and play. Kids and grown up time. Self respect and compassion. Figure out what it means to you. When you are balanced, you are centered and much harder to topple over.

Learning. My IC said that she felt that I saw myself as a project and I grabbed the bull by the horns and wrestled that monster to the ground (almost a direct quote, lol). I wouldn't say I've beaten the beast, but I've battled many demons in the last year, acknowledged others and continue to be a work a progress. I've also read ... Co-dependant No More, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (facinating stuff on the fear/shame dynamic and communciation patterns which I actually found has helped me in talking to my kids too), Relationship Rescue, Love and Respect, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, countless articles on detachment, mutuality, controlling behaviour, letting go, happiness, personal responsibility, emotional intelligence ..... and more threads and posts here than I could even remember. Learning about MLC helped me understand that this wasn't about ME. That didn't mean that I didn't play a role in weakening my marriage, but it meant that his crisis was his crisis, and nothing I did or said was going to bring him out of it. That would happen, or not, when he did the work. But I wasn't powerless, I was now armed with all kinds of info about what I could do to become the woman I wanted to be, the woman who had been hiding behind her own fears and insecurities for so long. There were nuggets of truth in the spew that came my way. Some of it stung, and stung bad. That was where I started.

I stopped defining myself by my marriage. I wasn't a success or a failure because I was married ... or not. I would be a success on my own terms.

I'm getting there

So Tad ... what are you grateful for today?

Peace
PEI

Awesome post PEI. I've bookmarked it for myself.

Thank you True. I've read your post atleast 4 times and will continue to read it.

Cadet, I'm not sure I understand this:



What do you mean by forward?

MHL, I need all the 2X4's. Keep them coming my friend.

PEI, good stuff! Thank you....and thanks for talking to me this morning. I'm grateful for my sons today. They are turning into fine young men. I'm also grateful that I am able to spend so much time with them these days.

I saw W today. She came to pick up S16 for the week. Our last 4 or 5 interactions have been very nice. I noticed (as did my sons) that she is almost her old self again. Hard to explain.

I've let most (afraid to say all) of my anger go. I'm trying to be positive especially around her. Fake it until you make it right? I'm wondering if our interactions have been different because I've been different.....

She asked me if I had a rag so she could check the oil and fill up the car if needed. I offered to do it all. She let me. 2 months ago, she would have insisted on doing it her self. Does this mean anything? Probably not.

It is weird.....I look forward to seeing her, but I'm actually glad when she leaves. Makes sense?

Today is a better day.

Thank you.

Tad

Tad,

It will be 9 months this week since BD and I still cry. Not like I use to, sometimes it is only for a few minutes and sometimes it is for hours. I still have bad days and bad moments. The trick is to let it happen, it is part of your growth.

As far as the self esteem, write down all the good things you have done for yourself, your children and your marriage. Remember those things when you get down on yourself. One of the things I have heard over and over from my H is how he had to do everything, cook, clean, grocery shop and take care of our daughter. Of course this is bs, but I decided to list all the things I did, my H was a helper, he did cook and helped clean and do the laundry, but my H has never cleaned a toilet, a bath tub, and every weekend I cooked and cleaned, helped with the yard and laundry. He believes what he wants too, I was not a bad wife, we were a team and I was always appreciative for all he did around the house. I was not perfect, but I was not a bad wife. You need to look at these things and remember them when you start to feel bad about yourself.

Well if you read the stages of a MLC you will see that they move through the tunnel of MLC.

So by forward I mean that they don't get stuck within the tunnel.
So by not detaching from the MLC'er you may prolong the time that the crisis takes.
You can do nothing to speed up the crisis but you can slow it down.

I am trying to tell you how important it is for you to LET GO!

Hope that makes more sense.

Ok. That makes absolute perfect sense Cadet. Thank you for responding.

Lorie, thank you too. I've heard similar complaints from my W. You know what though? Even though some of the complaints were valid, I KNOW I was a good husband. I am not the evil, violent, controlling, manipulative person she has made me out to be. I am not only a good husband, but also a good person.

Take care.

Tad