Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I can take that punch!

Kd, 25, CS, Thanks so much for stopping by!. Really appreciate your feedback.

--KD--


You definitely have given me a different way to look at it. Thanks!



I too was second guessing myself as to whether it was wise of me saying that. Because she did become quiet for a second. I said "wife do you think i have no more shame in asking you to come back?". I dunno, maybe it was harsh. I called that evening to talk to daughter over skype and my convo with wife was pleasant. Almost like that morning talk did not happen.



I wish i told her "Wife it is your decision to make". But honestly i am beginning to feel like i am being strung along. For once i did not respond out of fear. But seeing 25's comment. i don't feel that bad now.


--25--

Maybe you can give me woman's perspective. By the time our convo ended, it looked like wife was making me see things from her shoes. As to how much she suffered, how hard this was and so on. As for me, i always said, "Wife i have contributed a lot to this marriage's demise. I own that. I also never matured enough to behave as a man or a husband. For that i am sorry". But somehow she still wants me to 'understand' why she did. I think that she is feeling guilty about the D thing and now wants some justification. During our convo she wanted forgiveness for what she did. I said "Its not my place to forgive you for even i had my share". Then she got lil upset and said "I am asking the forgiveness for me so that i can move on.". Then i replied "If you need to move on, then you have it. I forgive you"

Yesterday i did try to paint myself as a changed man by telling her all my changes. Much against DB principles. My mistake. At the end she did say "I dont know all your changes". I know for sure that she is scared that we will go back our old behaviors if we get back. That is her biggest fear. I don't blame her. I do have a poor track record on that, not because i was not committed or lazy, but because i though i could make changes for both of us and had un-realistic expectations for myself, which eventually proved impossible to achieve.

What i from our talk...Both need more time to mature out. I am not there yet and i dont think she is either.

I just wish we did not have this specter of D over our heads.

--CS--



amen to that man!



BITs i am not sure if i made another mistake today. I was getting tired of not hearing anything about our D situation. So i emailed my L this morning asking her to contact wife's L to see what's holding things up. We were to get a draft decree 3 weeks ago. I'd just like to know if wife wants to be in a holding pattern. I am okay with it. Just could not take the suspense. I dunno, it is a bad/good idea??

I guess i am trying to pick my brain as to what my wife said on saturday. One thing she said which i felt was important.

Last fall i started seeing IC because i knew that our marriage was failing and i knew that all my 'withdrawal' was contributing to it. At one point wife wanted to speak to my IC. I was happy to hear that, thinking that if she heard the honest opinion of the IC, then she would know that i was trying to become better. Looking back, it was a huge mistake. my IC did not like that idea, but i told her i was okay with it and that she had my 'OK' to discuss any details with my wife.

I guess what IC told wife was that due to my childhood issues i was having a hard time figuring out myself. So it would take 'a while' before i started understanding wife and where she was coming from. Even saturday, she told me that this convo with my IC swung her to quit the marriage because she knew that i would never understand her 'issues'.

I do agree 100% with IC assessments. I always had a problem understanding myself. My emotions, my reactions. Combine that my ethnic background where people do 0 introspection and regard visiting IC as 'crazy', I was at a disadvantage with my wife. But that was the whole reason to start seeing an IC so i could get out of the mess.

Sometimes when i try to see the situation from her POV, i can see why gave up. But then again sometimes i feel that we just gave it a lil more time. But then again i wonder if i am being selfish...

I know. No point crying over spilt milk. Bad day today for me. Gotta get back on my routine track. Have not even started studying for my exam on Aug 5th!! Yikes!

Amen, because of the changes you made/are making

Thanks JS.

Journaling...

Wife loast her temp job yesterday. She was only working for 3 weeks. I feel bad for her. She was really looking forward to have a good career. But she also told me that she was thinking of quitting because she was missing out on daughter.

Don't know what to feel about this woman!. I love her so much!
Both are smart educated level headed people that should be able to make our lives better and make our daughter's life better. Really not sure why are on this hellish path.

just wanted to vent.

Doh. No R talk!



Arg!



Phew, narrow escape. Good answer.



That's okay, let her vent. Validate.



Good.



Bad, can you tell the difference between validation and reinforcing her belief you acted like a jerk?



She needs to cling to her justification for leaving. She will cling to it as long as she possibly can. The only way to undermine this is to prove you have changed via your actions.



Stop apologizing for sure. Validate, but do not accept blame. One makes her feel understood, the other reinforces her decision was the correct one.

"I understand you felt xyz"

vs.

"I know I did that,I am so sorry" *grovel grovel*

Awesome advice as usual, Mike. Like MK and others, I need this sort of reminders every now and day...and more often than not! Thanks you, sir!

Thanks SF. Thanks for pointing out the 'validating versus apologizing part'. I think i confused them both.

I felt that if i were honest and owned up, then things would be better. But now i see. Yup, I will stop apologizing unnecessarily. I guess what i see as okay, she might see it as not okay. So validating means that i can see things from her POV.

Thanks!

Yup. When she tells you such things, mainly she wants to see that you really heard her. The way to prove you did is by letting her know you understand the complaint and then CHANGING THE THING SHE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT.

Saying you are sorry is way over-rated in my opinion. The main reason is because most people who apologize are doing it for selfish reasons: to placate the person they are apologizing to and get them to stop being mad at you. Apologizing to someone who knows you really well is particularly ineffective: they will see right through it. Especially if you have a track record of apologizing and then continuing to screw up in the same manner. "He is not truly sorry, he is just saying it to shut me up." Invariably you will prove this to be true the very next time you repeat the behavior. "See, I knew he wasn't sincere". This paints you as lacking integrity, not truly caring enough to change, and not being a man of your word / someone she can rely on.

Who would you trust more, someone who makes promises and then fails to keep them (words over actions), or someone who never makes promises, but is always coming through for you when you need them when you need them to and without having to be asked (actions over words)?

Validating her concern and correcting the problem is far more powerful a message than just trying to convince her you regret your previous actions.

Oh and keep holding the line man. I see you getting tested, and women that have completely given up on you don't bother doing that. I think she is seeing the change in you, but is still not convinced it is real.

Not trying to give you false hope either, but you are seeing some small positives here and there. Mainly just keep up the good work. No matter what happens you will be better off for it.

Keep growing stronger, happier, more confident. Project it as much as possible in every interaction.

Thanks SF. All really good feedback!!

BITs need some more feedback. I would really appreciate it.

Wife called me this afternoon to tell me that circus was in her town and she was telling me as FYI incase i wanted take daughter.

This evening she called twice to tell me about some cute stuff daughter did. I then asked her if i should buy 3 tickets so that she too could come with us. She said she would think and let me know.

Then she calls up an hour later. She says it is okay if i get 3 tickets. She said it would be good for daughter to see both of us and enjoy.

I did not express any emotion, but i was extremely happy that she was gonna come. Till now she had declined anything that had her and me.

Then she calls back 2 hours later and asks me if i bought the tickets. I said 'no'. Then she said it is better if only I take daughter to circus as i need to spend time with daughter. She said that she already does stuff with daughter. I asked 'are you sure' and she said 'sure and thanks for asking'. I said ok and hung up.

People, now whatever good stuff i was feeling is gone.

I am not sure if i should have told her that it would be better for daughter. Would it then be pursuing ??

Not sure how to handle this. Help!!!