I think you will both love Keeping Love Alive even more, because you get to hear BOTH sides from a couple. Michele works with couples in the Marriage Breakthrough DVDs as well. One of my very good friends and his wife have been using it along with DR.
If it is good for your marriage and for you individually, I am ALSO glad that you are both here for the community. Each person usually has a completely different version of what goes on in the marriage. We only hear one side on the board and like friends in real life, our members most often 'side' with the person according to how they tell their story.
It is so important to find out how the other person in the marriage sees the interactions in the marriage/relationship.
Thank you for reminding me of Keeping Love Alive. Friday is the longest day, Saturday the busiest. I'm finally home now for a night and a day and have time to order it! I told H about it and he's interested. He actually has read quite a few books, some that I haven't read. He loved The Way of the Superior Man. I'm going to read that next.
My shop assistant was off today - to graduate from Fashion Design - so H worked with me all day.
We had a great day working together. We really do work well together no matter what we're doing. We've renovated several old houses and I remember how enjoyable it is to listen to talk radio while stripping dozens of layers of wallpaper or painting, etc. with him. We're a good team.
It will be a week tomorrow without any blow-ups.
Our son is thousands of miles away, working for the summer to pay for his last year of school (engineering). Maybe if it's nice out tomorrow, we can go for a Father's Day hike with the dogs.
I tried to order the CDs last night, but the form couldn't calculate the shipping charges. I think it said that it didn't recognize our address.
I'm going to phone in the order today. Just thought you might like to know that there might a problem with ordering. Or maybe it was something that I was doing...
A friend posted this on their facebook status this morning:
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of chit.
Talk....... I love that posting on facebook, HOW true...and I think it is so cool that you two are communicating together on this site. It seems different but in a good way.
Long time married here...divorce busted and now together celebrating our 28th in August.
Will go back and read your previous threads to catch up.
Journaling. I babbled on Herb's thread, and realized that I should be thinking in print on my own thread!
This last week of progress has got me thinking about what would actually make me "want" my H again. I know for me, being yelled at and threatened with divorce made me lose attraction for him.
I couldn't feel close to him when I thought he was so careless with my feelings. If he touched me in passing, I flinched inside, if we hugged in a good moment, being that close caused tears to just poured out of me.
I have been thinking back to when we met, what attracted me to him, what made my heart beat faster. He is a soldier and he looks like one. He's a handsome man, and I still love to see him in uniform after 26 years.
Call me a cavewoman, but I loved that warrior energy he gave off. I can't speak for all women, but I want to feel protected and cherished.
When he yelled, bailed on the R, and said whatever he could think of to hurt me, I didn't feel cherished or protected. The fact that he couldn't tell me what he was thinking in a rational way meant he was not in control. Not very manly, and I lost respect.
What would make me want my H, like I wanted him before is for him to be in control of himself, protect me, not hurt me, be clear about his point of view in a calm voice. I want to see him stop me from steam-rolling him without having a tantrum. Because I will. Not because I'm not nice, but because I expect that everyone is clear about their intentions like I am. So if I say "I think we should do xyz", and he agrees, I think I should be able to believe him.
I was never taught to ask for permission, and really, I hope to never "learn" that. I do consider all sides before making a decision that affects people other than myself.
He really is getting so much better at all of these things.
I really feel for you guys out there. It's so hard to be the strong fearless man that attracts your wife, and at the same time, be the guy that makes her feel safe emotionally.
It is/was strange to be posting together, but now I'm a postaholic. I don't even expect feedback on mine. Journaling on here is giving me so much clarity, and allows H to see what I'm thinking.
We fought so bad before, that he couldn't hear what I was saying, and I only heard nastiness.
So, strange as it is, it's helping!
I was reading your sitch before I started posting, but haven't seen it in a while.
How's it going? I hope you and your H had a good time fishing, and that he is able to abstain.
My dad was a heavy drinker, my mom is a closet drinker. It can't be easy for you to deal with that at all!
I like where we are right now, but I have to admit that I'm a little afraid to get comfortable. We've had many "honeymoons" only to fall into a screaming pit of snakes within a week.
This feels different though.
H is gone for the week for work, and I had a slow day at work, which means I got stuff accomplished. I really need to close on Mondays in the fall so that I can have 2 days off per week! But everytime I say that, I have a busy one...
I am enjoying my night alone in the house. After years of being alone maybe too much, and now, not so much, it is a nice feeling to be alone for a while. Almost feels like going to a spa. I think, I've never actually done the spa thing.
When H goes, I notice all of the little things that H does for me when he's home like having coffee ready, putting the frozen pizza in the oven. haha, and walking the dogs.
Since our problems really got heavy, he has been doing all of these things regularly. When he's away, I don't mind doing it at all, but when he's home, he does so much. Maybe it's his way of saying sorry when he couldn't say it?
Our roles have reversed in so many ways since he really started getting angry. I used to cook SO much, but I've noticed, that if he's mad, I just can't do it, even if I was just about to start, was in the mood, and had everything ready.
Same with cleaning the house. I LOVE to clean it when I'm happy, the music is loud, and usually when he's away. I can no longer do it when he's home. I guess because I felt like he tried to reduce me to being a maid. H, I know that that is NOT what your intensions were, but that's how it felt.
This is going to sound so anti-lib, and I am by no means a shrinking violet, but I really LOVE to cook for HIM, when I feel loved. Maybe that's just me, or maybe women really are wired that way, and we've lost touch. I don't know.
I guess I will do anything for H if he treats me right, and I shut down everything if he doesn't.
Poor H, I'm glad he's getting it, because we both must have high blood pressure from all of the frozen pizza we've been eating.
When I was home, I could have happily remained there, cooking, cleaning (to a point - I still don't think I'm out of line to want a housekeeper 2x per month. We can afford it.), running the house, saving money (I love to stretch a dollar to the limit), as long as my arty projects were being supported. I would have felt fulfilled and would have gotten a lot of satisfaction out of seeing H love being fed, enjoying his home, and feeling supported by me in his life. I also would have finally had the time to create what I wanted, not what someone was paying me to.
But if my creative side is not supported, I am able to fend for myself. But that doesn't give me a feeling of satisfaction at all. And if I'm outside working, just because I can't stand the lack of support in the home, then I'm not getting my fundamental needs met, and then everything just feels hollow. I don't feel the need to make a lot of money unless I think of H and what he seems(ed?) to want. I feel like we have enough. But I've been poor and I know how little I can live on. H has never been poor and I think that he fears it. I think this may be a fundamental difference in us.
