Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives 7 weeks to exH marries OW

Thanks.all for the input. I did realise once.we were seperated that we neede to put our M first and in fact we did. We started dating and having very flirty texting etc - it was great but inforumately.OW had already got her claws in and i didnt stand a chance. Interestingly our.church values M as priority and children are the addition to the M. I guess we forgot about that. My xH also travelled alot in his last job so it was just me and the boys alot of time. I guess we made.our own little family and he probably felt left out. Sometimes i resented it when he got back and tried to be a parent - i guess i felt that that was my job and he was intruding.
Its all great realising that now - but it doesnt fix anything as.my family is gone and he is about to start his own.

I sometimes feel that "I did the right thing trying to save the marriage, raise the kids, get all of us emotionally back on track...why does he have someone and I don't?" Let's step back a moment and think of this a bit. I did a lot of hard work on me and for the kids. What did ex do? He cheated and left his wife and 4 kids. He never worked on himself or the issues that he was having. Thus his issues are probably still there but masked by his feelings of lust. He actually told me once that he must not have been in love with me for a long time because he had not had the 24/7 giddy hormone feeling for a long time with me. Really, you think??

Relationships take work and my ex is under the impression that if something isn't easy, if it takes work, then love must not reside there. I think we will both find mature(and I don't mean elderly!) men that get what it all really means.

hugs, kat

Thanks kat. This makes absolute sense. My xH stills feels he didnt do anything wrong and never had an A. How is it then that they were engaged 7 weeks after the D was finalised and they were living together before the D was finalised. He has justified it all to himself and it seems to his family as well and has not taken any responsibility at all for his part in the break down of our marriage.

I recognised what was going wrong and did a lot of work to save our M. My xH even recognised that and said he felt guilty that I was doing all the work. He was never interested in any MC.

In his mind he is happy and therefore everyone else should be. He even told my S8 that the reason he left because he wasnt happy. How do you tell your son that you werent happy living with them - what a huge burden to pass on.

My xH said that he loved me, just wasnt in love with me. Oh really - well you know what there were times I didnt even like him, but that is called life and M and you work your way through those patches. I took my marriage vows seriously - I guess his should have been 'until things get tough then I will leave and move on.'

My xH is under the impression that everyone is ok - that our sons are doing great and are very happy for him and cant wait to have a new 'mummy'. My s8 tells me that he doesnt have a life, he doesnt know the point of it. He feels as though we are not a complete family and we have a whole in it. Unfortunately they do not feel confident enough to tell him the truth. They physically have to psyche themselves up when he comes to get them and he doesnt see any of this. They run out the door hugging and kissing him and this is all he sees. I however have to pick up the pieces on sunday nite when they return. In addition, due to my persistance and not letting them use the D as an excuse they are both doing well at school. I also make sure that they take part in clubs, (for which I do all the driving around and paying fees) and also make sure that they have an active social life attending playdates, youth clubs etc. So yeah I guess to the untrained eyes everything looks great. Unfortunately I think the damage of how this has all worked out and the way the D was processed will only become visible in some years when I have some teenagers on my hands.

So my sons leavers service was really lovely. I havent been to one before and was moved by all that was said. But then this is typical of me - I am emotional wreck at church. My faith is very important to me which I think may hamper my dating prospects. I think I am quite liberal in my thinking though and have a very wide range of friends and dont feel that I am judgemental of others and their feelings regarding religion and would definitely never force my views on anyone. I believe ones faith whatever it is, is personal. Although, I do think I will need to find someone who at least shares some of my basic values.

Anyway watch this space!!

So got a lot on my mind today. So really journaling.

My biggest issue I face now is the OW. She obviously isnt a very nice person but this OW is boardering on 'bunny boiler'!!

We had issues last year where she used to text me all the time. A couple of them were:

1. Congratulations on your divorce..........
2. Please give the boys a big hug from me .......... (this would be my sons)
3. Isnt it funny we are going to have the same name ............

My xH has court ordered telephone contact three times a week and she used to be put ont he phone to chat to my sons each time. The judge agreed that this shouldnt happen as the contact was for my xH and not her. I did agree that on occasion she could chat to them. This seemed to work for a while and now I notice that she is more frequently talking to them. whilst it isnt that that bothers, it is the principle that 1. she is taking time away from my sons and their and secondly she has been told by a judge not to interfere.

In addition, she used to text them alot. I dont believe this is neccessary as they are too young to be receiving texts late at night anyway or from another adult woman. (Initially when they didnt have a phone she used to text them on my phone - the cheek!)

She attended the parents evening at my sons school and the other a meeting intended for parents. Ironically she is not even M to their dad yet and no she isnt a parent and never will be.

I am really not sure how to handle this as no matter how much I tell my xH to please stop her from interfering in the parenting relationship he doesnt listen. Every communcaiton from him is worded with, WE have decided, WE have discussed. It is so annoying and I am sure he does it just to get to me.

As she will become their stepmother in a few weeks, I am anxious that this is going to get out of hand again and that she will now have even more leverage to become involved in my kids lives. I just noticed she send them a text saying congratulations on your report and Dad and I are so proud of you.

I know I am about to be replaced as his wife, but feel somehow in his eyes she is replacing me as their mother as well as he never refers to me as mom in any context anymore and feel that it is my against the two of them. I know that physcially she cant replace me, but in his eyes and in terms how he views things she is the mother in their little family and relationship. I am almost positive that she will ask them to call her mum at some point.

I really dont know how to handle this anymore as appealing my xH has no impact at all.

Any suggestions or views or those that have been in a similar situation would be appreciated.

Thanks,

The only people that matter in this whole situation are the boys. They know she is not their mum. No one can take your place in their hearts. I am sorry that she is

My ex doesnt think he did anything wrong either. Same thing with the happiness. That was all that mattered to him. The kids hurting...his response was for them to get over it. He wasn't responsible for any of their unhappiness.

When he married his affair partner this past October, the boys refused to go to the wedding. The girls also said no but he made sure it was over his weekend so they had no choice. She has never come to any of the kids events and for that I am glad. However I do not believe that she is a kind or good person.

I try to focus on the kids and be the stable parent in their lives. My ex and I usually just discuss issues with school or current event stuff. The relationship he does or doesn't have with the kids is between them. I do gently nudge them from time to time as they didn't even want anything to do with him on Father's day.

Hang in there, kat

Don't know what happened with that sentence up there! I meant that I am sorry that she is trying to force her way into their lives.

So have been thinking about this OW and her pushy ways and have decided to turn it on its head.

When xH first moved out I wanted nothing to do with him and didnt correspond with him with regards to our kids and what they were doing. Childish I know but my thinking was if you dont want to be apart of our daily lives, then you dont deserve to know what is going on in our lives. Also, it was suggested to me that perhaps the reason why OW gets so involved in the parenting relationship is that she knows that no matter what as xH and I have kids together we will always be in each others lives and will have to have some sort of relationship regarding this. Therefore as she is obviously so insecure in her own (and who wouldnt be when you both cheated on your spouses at the beginning of the relationship) she feels that she has to meddle in what is the last remaining part of the relationship that xH and I have in order to break this down as well. I guess she is threatened by the fact that I am always going to be a part of his life in someway. So, I decided to send him photos of my S11 leavers service and also photos of S8 birthday yesterday. I am sure that the answer will be 'WE loved seeing them etc'. But that is fine I am ready for it.

I have decided to stop being defensive and I guess be the adult in this relationship. I will keep xH informed of sons activities etc and anything else he may need to know. Not ready yet to embrace her as my sister wife (he he) not sure I ever will. My obligation and responsibility will only ever be to the father of my children and I guess I am going to have to be the one to work on this. Anyway I dont think it is good for the soul to be so angry all the time.

I just read what Gineen wrote and wanted to stand up and clap. Wonderful words of wisdom from someone who went through hell and has emerged a stronger, smarter, more amazing woman!!! Listen to someone who has been there and done that!

Hi,

My ex married his OW right after our D was final. In fact - she announced it in the newspaper on the day of my mother's funeral - 1 day after our divorce. Bitch!\

We were married 25 years - together 31! OW was one of the pushiest, most interfering ever. And yes - when I knew they would be married - it was hard. And he didn't even tell his grown kids. My son found out from the thing in the paper and really took his dad to task. Ex told him that he and OW were afraid we would somehow try to stop it or interfere if we knew the exact date. Are you kidding me???? Kind of gave me some satisfaction about the guilt and shame he must feel.

Fast forward 5 years. Kids won't go to his house. Refuse to meet OW. Think he seems mostly unhappy.

What got me through it? The realization that a marriage based on lying and cheating isn't worth much. Can't believe they could stand up and take vows when everyone knows they don't take their vows seriously. The knowledge that the DESERVE each other - liars and cheats - no one they can really ever truly trust. And that I am free to move forward with someone whom I CAN trust.

I would not have said this 10 years ago but I say it now - my life got 100% better when my ex walked out the door.

Hang in there. A better life is right around the corner. And there are some very nice men out there with the same core values and beliefs as you. But don't get hung up on it. you only have to live one day at a time and YOU get to choose whether or when to date again or not.

Barb