Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am so lost... Please someone help me!

I will continue to be the better man I want to be. Not that I was a bad man b4, just working on being better. I went for a long walk with my best friend tonight. He knows my sitch, and he has been reading my posts here. He is fully tuned into everything, and he knows my W. He mentined to me that he thought I had been painting myself in an especially harsh light in the forum. I know that I had been doing that because I was trying to get as much out of the process as I could. Ultimately, the ball is in my W court right now. She will have to decide on whether she is willing to make an effort, considering that the cards are on the table now. In my heart, I hope she choses to build a new marriage with me, but if she choses otherwise, I will have to get through that and focus on being the best dad I can be for my kids, simply because they will need me more than ever.

Okay. As a man that has been in your shoes, literally. I'm going to focus on a positive first. Then I'm going to tell you what I think.

I think it is a positive that she told you, instead of you having to find out through another way. She came clean. EA? I highly doubt it. Your list in your letter you wanted to send was a list I experienced. It was a PA. She is NOT going to tell you this, because it hurts you and it hurts her.

You keep talking about you. Sad, mad, confused, betrayed, etc. How did your Wife tell you? Was she cold about it? Did she have a smirk? Did she cry? Did she lash out at you? What happened? Is it over? More details the better. Suck it up for a few minutes and tell us.

The affair is WRONG. No debate, IT'S WRONG. However, it's a symptom of a problem in the Marriage. You need to understand YOUR part in this and why this happened. You are working very hard to change yourself. This remains a priority THROUGH this pain. Your hard work might be the reason she admitted it.

I'm going to say calling the OM was an emotional reaction. You probably did not think things through properly. As far as your Wife goes. I might get flack, but WHO CARES if it is controlling or weak. You took charge, you stood up for your marriage, and you stood up for yourself. Right...wrong...weak...controlling...Vegas odds? I would have put money on you actually freaking out on her and would have never thought you had the balls to talk to him. I'm impressed. Just my honest opinion.

NOW. What do you do now? I don't know what to offer you until you tell me your Wife's reaction in all of this except for one thing. DO NOT talk about this further WITH HER until you post here. Just take some time for yourself. If you can't speak to her calmly...DO NOT SPEAK TO HER.

There is no magic pill or words we can give you right now. All I can say is if you can take off to a happy place to think right now and get your thoughts together...I think that would be a good thing. My experience is whatever you are feeling right now it is dangerously close to exploding in anger. I'm more concerned about you getting angry and saying something weak and destructive than what you have already done.

You have kids, you have to stay strong for them.

NO it isn't! You are the Man J1. You have just as much control in this as she does. Brutal reality, but don't use that card. You said what you wanted to us, you need to continue to do things to back that up. You can lead this relationship to a better place. It's a crap shoot right now, but you can do it.

We definitely need more info about her reaction, attitude, and feelings to really offer advice though. We listen to you, but we don't get her side.

In DB, one of the things MWD talks about is how Marriage can be thought of as a cyclical relationship, rather than a binary one. So, it's always your move even if you'd like to see her make a decision or take a certain action.

Yes, the cards (well, some of them..) are on the table. But this isn't that kind of game - I think expecting her to make an effort or decide right now could be a losing proposition.

If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to get a 30000 foot understanding of EA's and the effects they have on the mind and perception. If nothing else, it will make it easier for you to understand what you can probably expect her to be feeling/thinking.

I have been doing the work as best I can. I guess I need to understand how to be strong.

My love language is physical touch. That is why I am having a tough time dealing with her betrayal. I need to talk things through to sort them out in my head. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I am looking for anything that will help me to keep on track.

I want nothing more than to have my M work out and to build a new life together. Me finding out about her affair has completely thrown the train from the tracks. I am worried that now, things are too far gone to come back from.

What more can I do? If I am patient and just work on me, then she just continues to put in time until she can execute her escape plan, and I continue to get my hopes crushed. If I push her, she will likely just move farther away emotionally.

I can't stand the thought of her being physical or emotional with someone else. It's killing me inside.

Did she tell you who it was or did you snoop? How did you find out who the OM is?

I confronted her, because she told me that last night she was going to her friends cottage at the lake for a campfire.  I checked the milage in the truck and she had not nearly driven far enough.  When I did the math, it was clear to me that she had driven only half the required distance, which put her in the vicinity of the person  in her email that she claimed was a "virus". I confronted her about it calmly and after her lying to me twice about it, I told her I knew she was lying and asked her straight out if she was having an affair.  She couldn't look at me and said yes.  She wasnt crying at first but I could tell she was fighting back the tears.  She did cry, not sobbing but tears coming out.  I am proud of how I handled my emotions, and although there were a couple of times that I had tears, I held it together very well.  I brought her outside to the swing so that we could talk without the kids interrupting, they were watching cartoons in the fam room anyways.

She as always did very little talking, and when I tried to stop talking, she wouldn't talk, she would just look down or away, she just closes up.  I said lots of things which were reactionary and based on my hurt feelings. At one point I told her that now she would have to wear the badge of adulterer if she continued with that R. I also told her that I would not lie to the kids if they asked me (now or later) about what had happened between us.  I made it very clear to her that I wanted to build a new marriage and divorce the old one.  I told her about the dream I had mentioned In the letter I never sent about how it took me back to the day I proposed and the look on her face her smile from ear to ear, and reminded her that we were happy once.  This also made her tears flow.  But the whole time she was sitting with her legs crossed and her hands in her lap.  She would not let me hold her hand while I was talking.  I took my wedding ring off to give it back to her and she refused it.  I told her that whenever I was faced with a tough decision or situation I always twisted it on my finger to remind me of her.  I also mentioned to her that the symbol of the ring was unending love, and that's why it was a circle.  I also told her that I had noticed that she wasn't wearing her wedding and engagement rings anymore.  

She has been very quiet to me today, and I know I haven't talked to her much either.  I know I'm hurting, and I believe she is hurting too.  I don't know if it is because she is upset that I found out about her EA or if now she is just worried about executing her plan.  I am hopeful that she is taking a hard look inside herself.

Can anyone recommend a great book on EAs?  

I want to try to understand how she is feeling...

Yes. "NOT Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. It's the definitive work on the subject of EAs, and it's excellent.


Starsky

Once I had seen the email, all I had to do was google his email address and then I found his painting business. I had done all of this and actually called the number when I found the email. I pretended to be interested in painting and asked him where he was located, that's how I knew that my W had travelled the right distance to see him. Also his name was in the emailntoo in her response which told me that she had his email saved in her blackberry. She left her email open that day, and because it looks like mine I didn't notice that it EAs hers (yahoo), sobwhen I saw th message there I knew something was up. I wanted to bekuve her story that it was a virus, but in my heart I knew there was more to it than that. That's why I believe it is a physical affair. Her response is pretty clear to me.

Thanks starsky