Well alone, only you can truly answer those questions. I have read many stories on here and some of the most successful ones stayed friends all the way through no matter how hard it was.
For me personnally, i found being my w friend has moved me further than being dark or distant from her. It made her remember we have been in each others lives for 20 years. That i am the only constant person in her life she can talk to.
I have had to listen to some pretty tough things, like she loves the OM, i have had to realize that my w did the one thing she swore she would never do, she left kids to be with OM. I still have had better luck being her friend.
You will have to decide if you can handle what he says about OW etc. If you can keep a smile on your face and secretly cry on the inside.
Whatever you decide, know that you can vent on here as much as you need to. We all will listen and support you.
Personally, I think you are doing very, very well.
I don't believe in your husband's new relationship for a minute. I doubt it lasts 6 months. Already from what you've said he's risking her wrath by having so much contact with you.
It seems to me that what you're doing is working and I'd keep it up. His scanning weather reports and worrying about you is very good. I think you know OW would freak if she knew he was doing that.
I wouldn't worry too much about his inconsistencies. Comes with the territory in my view. Sharing his 'excitement' about his new relationship, oblivious to it's effect on you and even expecting you to be happy for him, is all part of the wacky chemical soup they have going on.
I'd maintain your friendship if you can but most important by far, keep developing your independence. The kind of dependency you developed with your H can be a very heavy burden for some men to carry and can be a sexual turn off.
I'm very optimistic for you if you stay on your current path and focus on yourself and not your H's current hare brained state.
And yet, he feels guilt (thank God, otherwise I would consider him beyond redemption) for what he has done to you (in more ways than just his recent departure).
You have an incredible support system already in place on this board. Use it and listen to it. Don't allow yourself to travel into those emotional dark places without reaching out.
There is a bright road still in front of you. It is sometimes slow going, but it is right there just in front of you. Celebrate your victories and accomplishments, because you deserve them.
Wean yourself from this man. Right now he is nothing but tainted food to you - it looks good, you remember enjoying it many times before, but it leaves you terribly sick inside.
I agree with the others who have predicted a painful crash at some point in this "new" relationship.
But that doesn't matter and it's certainly not important.
Your new life is what matters right now.
You have accomplished alot, but there are still things to do. A support system here is fantastic, but don't hesitate to allow yourself to begin finding new friends where you are. You've apparently not done much of that, and it can be awkward at first, but it will be emmensely satisfying when it happens.
Chin up.
You can and will make a fantastic life for yourself. Let the question of any future with this man take care of itself with time. Use the time you have now to reclaim the things you have missed in your life. Become the person you have dreamed about being.
Put everything negative away - and yes, that means even your parents if they cannot rise to the occasion.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
don't be so hurt by the "former in laws" choice to send your stuff back. To them
it's the kind thing to do. They clearly are not enamored of their son's choice with OW....
6-12 months for OW, max.
(Unless he's got a STRONG need to be "right"... IDK)
Chin UP!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
From what I have seen it is not at all unusual for people in your H's situation to choose someone the exact opposite with whom to have an affair. It seems to me that's exactly what he has done with this controlling dominatrix.
It won't last and if you keep up with your 180's and make yourself someone who is capable of being an equal partner in the future, I think you'll turn his head.
Don't be surprised though if, as your independence grows, you occasionally ask yourself why you'd still want to be his partner . I think he's going to have some work to do to win you back before it's all over.
Thanks everyone for your feedback. It sounds like I should keep communication if he reaches out again (haven't heard from him in a couple of days, but he is at his folks).
I am just having such a rough day. Thinking about packing up the house and putting most of my stuff in storage (downsizing from a half-house to a studio apartment will be a challenge). Sometimes I feel a bit resentful that my standard of living is dropping so much at this stage of my life. I wonder if I'll ever live in more than a rented room again.
I guess I've got to look at the positive things: I've survived almost four months since he dropped the bomb, I have my health even though I don't have health insurance, my mom is helping me with groceries and some friends have given rides on rainy days, I've gotten a new job that pays a bit more starting in the fall and will continue looking for a f/t job, I'm managing with my bike commute to my summer job, I discovered I CAN live alone (even if I don't like it), I have more time for reading the Bible and am comforted by it, I KNOW God is looking out for me (faith is a great thing), I have the DBing community to guide my efforts at personal growth (and maybe someday, relationship repair), I have proven to Ex-P that I can and WILL survive without him, I was given a good life for nearly twenty years and am not left with too much destructive anger, I know I did my best and I have my integrity...that is more than Ex-P can say.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Thanks everyone for your feedback. It sounds like I should keep communication if he reaches out again (haven't heard from him in a couple of days, but he is at his folks). %0
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Sorry for the weird double post everyone. Computer has troubles tonight.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Thanks everyone for your feedback. It sounds like I should keep communication if he reaches out again (haven't heard from him in a couple of days, but he is at his folks). But protect yourself with your detachment "moat"...it's both protective for you and helps you GAL which assist you in being happy, busy and ....as it turns out,often, makes you more attractive and appealing to the WAS...go figure.
This ^^^does stink, no question. I suppose if I were forced to see the upside, it's that you are simplifying. I read that book "Simple Abundance" and she REALLY advocates DE-Cluttering, purging and shedding unwanted baggage & it's more than a literal thing for that author. Metaphoric, symbolic and literal...and healthy. I tried to, and succeeded SOME but have a long way to go.
We have too much "baggage", literally. MIL died i March and h is holding on to things we do NOT NEED, a house of it in storage and our garage and rec room...absurd. But I don't have the heart to do much with it til he's ready...says we'll "keep it for the kids" but so far they've not taken a whole lot...and h is a hoarder. I had to force him to release the "Hawk Stand" for his falconry hobby made of old iron and leather straps, and weighing 30 lbs, moved now 17 times (he hasn't used it since 1983, but who's counting?)...so lighten up!! Get it?
I guess I've got to look at the positive things: I've survived almost four months since he dropped the bomb, I have my health even though I don't have health insurance, what's up with that money he gave you (or 'returned' to you b/c honey, you earned it)? Please tell my it's in a safe ONLY accessible to YOU place...please??
That's money for a car or health ins or rainy day money...why allow yourself to be even more vulnerable than you already feel?
When you reduce your sense of vulnerability, you'll reduce your fears and then you'll reduce any anger...and that gives you emotional room to grow, let go, someday forgive or not care, (almost the same) and move on happily to the next step...
Have you ever allowed yourself to realize that your sexual/initimacy needs were NOT met by him AND THEREFORE....
dating OM could very well lead to a R with someone more compatible in those areas?
If your exp had died, and you had grieved enough (....say for 2 weeks...) then
KIDDING!!!
But let's say you were done being in abject mourning, and that you had "resurfaced"...back into the real world of people and relationships, etc
then how would you feel different?
You would feel less rejected of course. We get that. It wounds us deeply... But
that's ego...not saying it's invalid, but it is what it is. The loss is otherwise the same
except death is also permanent...and that CAN mean false hope, confusion.
But if he's dead and gone, and you've processed it, THEN imagine what you life lived, happily, would look like...envision it in Detail...
and see if there aren't pieces of that which you can put together now.
Dating OMs for now is off the table IF I understood you correctly. But someday it might be On the table and what it,
just what if, you were m to a man without all this wacky baggage. A man with a HD or even just a normal sex drive. A man who loved loving you and let you know he felt happy and lucky to be with you.
Alone, they EXIST!!!
My older s became single at age 45 after 22 y of m and 3 kids. Her h filed for D for OW(ow#2 or 3??)
She was an RN befrore marriage, & then put her h thru law school. So he left her with the 3 kids, b/c she worked the whole marriage (he did not) she got NO alimony, no rstitution for putting him thru law school or cashing in her retirement for his school loans, just CS for 3 years. She didn't have the stomach for fighting him and wanted it overwith...
Why the digression? B/C she had a lousy m when her h left. Sure she loved him & in his way he loved her. But he was a cranky father who never put my sister first. She was the giver in the R and her h was the taker and it's ironic HE left her...2 years pass and she remarries a guy who loves her, thinks she's great, NICE intimate life, etc...
She would NEVER
so what would you do differently if you were
are you one of 2 children? I recall you have a sister.
I discovered I CAN live alone
(even if I don't like it), I have more time for reading the Bible and am comforted by it, I KNOW God is looking out for me (faith is a great thing), I have the DBing community to guide my efforts at personal growth (and maybe someday, relationship repair), I have proven to Ex-P that I can and WILL survive without him, I was given a good life for nearly twenty years and am not left with too much destructive anger, I know I did my best and I have my integrity...that is more than Ex-P can say.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone for your feedback. It sounds like I should keep communication if he reaches out again (haven't heard from him in a couple of days, but he is at his folks). But protect yourself with your detachment "moat"...it's both protective for you and helps you GAL which assist y ou in being happy, busy and ....as it turns out,often, makes you more attractive and appealing to the WAS...go figure.
[color:#FFCCCC] This ^^^does stink, no question. I suppose if I were forced to see the upside, it's that you are simplifying. I read that book "Simple Abundance" and she REALLY advocates DE-Cluttering, purging and shedding unwanted baggage & it's more than a literal thing for that author. Metaphoric, symbolic and literal...and healthy. I tried to, and succeeded SOME but have a long way to go.
We have too much "baggage", literally. MIL died i March and h is holding on to things we do NOT NEED, a house of it in storage and our garage and rec room...absurd. But I don't have the heart to do much with it til he's ready...says we'll "keep it for the kids" but so far they've not taken a whole lot...and h is a hoarder.
I had to force him to release the "Hawk Stand" for his falconry hobby made of old iron and leather straps, and weighing 30 lbs, moved now 17 times (he hasn't used it since 1983, but who's counting?)...so lighten up!! Get it? [/color]
I guess I've got to look at the positive things: I've survived almost four months since he dropped the bomb, I have my health even though I don't have health insurance, You're right. But what's up with that money he gave you (or 'returned' to you b/c honey, you earned it)? Please tell my it's in a safe ONLY accessible to YOU place...please??
That money could be for a car or health ins or rainy day money...why allow yourself to be even more vulnerable than you already feel?
When you reduce your sense of vulnerability, you'll reduce your fears and then you'll reduce any anger...and that gives you emotional room to grow, let go, someday forgive or not care, (almost the same) and move on happily to the next step...
Have you ever allowed yourself to realize that your sexual/initimacy needs were NOT met by him AND THEREFORE.... [color:#6600CC] dating OM could very well lead to a R with someone more compatible in those areas? If your exp had died, and you had grieved enough (....say for 2 weeks...) then
KIDDING!!!
But let's say you were a widow and mostly done being in abject mourning, and that you had "resurfaced"...back into the real world of people and relationships, etc
then how would you feel different?
You would feel less rejected of course. We get that. Rejection wounds us deeply even when we KNOW it was not about US...but that's ego...not saying it's invalid, but it is what it is. The loss is otherwise the same [u] except death is also permanent...and that CAN mean false hope, or confusion. [/u] But if he's dead and gone, and you've processed it, THEN imagine what you life lived, happily, would look like...envision it in Detail...
and see if there aren't pieces of that which you can put together now. There are... Dating OMs for now is off the table IF I understood you correctly. But someday it might be On the table
and what it, just what if,
you were m to a man without your exP's low/No sex drive or his sex baggage. A man with a HD or even just a normal sex drive.
What if you dated A man who loved loving you and
let you know he felt happy and lucky to be with you. A man who didn't measure your worth by your income.
Alone, they EXIST!!! Can you see the possibilities? I have 5 brothers, good men are around.
My older s became single at age 45 after 22 y of m and 3 kids. Her h filed for D for OW (ow#2 or 3??)
She was an RN befrore marriage, & then put her h thru law school. So he left her with the 3 kids, b/c she worked the whole marriage (he did not) she got NO alimony, no restitution for putting him thru law school or cashing in her retirement for his school loans, just CS for 3 years. She didn't have the stomach for fighting him and wanted it overwith... Why the story about my family and this digression?
B/C she had a lousy m when her h left.
She's HAPPIER NOW!! /b] Sure she loved him & OMG in his way he loved her. she was so hurt when he left...
But he was often a nasty cranky father who never put my sister first and never said a kind word to his kids after the age of 5...
Sis was the giver in the R and her h was the taker and it's ironic HE left her...
She was heartbroken & I'm sure she'd never wish that on kids again...but
2 years pass and she remarries a guy who loves her, thinks she's great, NICE intimate life, etc...been 10 years in the "new" M now and going strong I have to say they really really get along. He just "gets" her, you know? her xh was always edgy about to flare up and had A LOT of opinions, blah blah blah...GO!
She would NEVER have met h#2 and been this happy, with her first h. Not possible given the personalities. The weird MLC her h#2 went through, changing political beliefs, now an atheist (yeah, it shows) dresses 20 yrs younger, you get it. [color:#FF0000] So he did her a favor...and who cares what HE is doing?? (Oh you do? Well let me tell you. He sees his adult children "every few months" and cannot have them at the same event as his not so new wife b/c SHE finds it stressful & told him SHE is "high maintenance"...[b][b]can you say "karma"? [/b] [/color] [/color] I discovered I CAN live alone
YES^^^^You can... And Being alone is better than wishing you were alone...
God is looking out for me (faith is a great thing), I[b] have the DBing community to guide my efforts at personal growth (and maybe someday, relationship repair), I have proven to Ex-P that I can and WILL survive without him, I was given a good life for nearly twenty years and am not left with too much destructive anger, I know I did my best and I have my integrity...that is more than Ex-P can say.
[/b
beautifully said Alone, truly
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
. I think he's going to have some work to do to win you back before it's all over.
