Actually... I was thinking more along the lines of...
She's done punishing (abusing) you.
Really? Really? What do you consider punishing me? When she talks about that night? Or was she punishing me when even after she was openly (other than to me) with OM/Boss she was still flirting with me, going to the concert, telling me how hot I look, and even suggesting she would go on vacation with me? I know...I know...I am not supposed to care at this point. But I do. I may never "move on" until I understand at least, a little of the past.
Then stay stuck in the past...your choice. Since you have kids, why not make a healthy choice? That would be a 180, right?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That's the strange part Kaffe. There were times over the last six years where life was awesome as long as I ignored the obvious. Which is what I did. For some time after the bust back in December 2005, it was almost like a second honeymoon. I think STBX even backed off R with OM/Boss at that time. The last year before she actually walked out was not great, but again, I lived in oblivion. The last 2 years since it really started up again, have been awful at times and so hopeful at others. One year ago today, STBX and I were in Mexico at a great resort for her 40th birthday. That was when it all started to really crash. I think due to pressure from OM.
Now, how does it feel today? It STILL feels unnecessary to me. It STILL feels like if we could ever just be honest and talk about the whole thing, we could work together and be make things work. I STILL don't believe she is truly happy with OM and fully wants to be with him. It seems more like settling. From where I sit it doesn't seem anything like a relationship should in the (supposedly) early days. It certainly is not built on mutual respect, honesty, dedication and mutual goals. At least, not as objectively as I can see it.
So...it still feels wrong for our marriage to end. But, without something major happening in the very near future it is. As for anything that feels good, I can't say any of this feels that way. I am simply hoping that when it ends, it ends and maybe finally, I will move on. Right now, it just feels like "yuck".
This is a 3 day long weekend here in Ontario. I work every Saturday, so never have even 2 days off in a row. It's going to be tough for me to stay busy and not just think...and think...and think.
I understand how that can all feel confusing. And you have mentioned a few times about figuring it out.
Again, there is a lot of commentary about your W. Perhaps as a reason to feeling confused? I'm not sure, only you can say.
I find it interesting that it appears when your comments revolve around your wife, you sound confused and your thoughts appear all over the place.
Yet when your comments move inwards about you, they seem to be a lot less confusing... more clear... Maybe staying focused on looking for understanding inside, rather than outside of you is a great place to start unraveling the confusion.
Hopefully your counseling sessions are enlightening and helping things become clear.
There is a reason why there is a difference in my thoughts and comments about myself and anything involving STBX. I have done some work on myself and am doing ok in that way, although I still have so far to do.
The problem with anything to with her is that I am still HEAD OVER HEELS, BUTTERFLIES IN TUMMY in love with her. It really is that simple.
I texted her today regarding brief conversation I had with S17 last night regarding him smoking weed. She was rude at first and then called me and was much nicer. We spoke for a few minutes and by the end she was more polite. I'm not sure too much of what was actually said.
After she texted this to me:
"Focus on this for me. If you are good to me, I will always be there for you. So how bad can it be? I will always love you. So Smilejavascript:%20void(0)
M: Thanks. There are no words to tell you how bad it could be or is every moment of every day. I have always loved you, love you so much more today than ever and will always love you. I am so sorry.
STBX: I know. You forget sometimes. I live it too.
M: (typed before her post above) But you don't know. How sorry I am that you ever had to feel that you were anything but my world. That when I think of something as little as the bump on your nose, I cry. That I ask God to forgive me when I touch your side of the bed at night and say goodnight to you. That I would literally and truly give up my world to spend one night cuddling you and knowing the smell of you and feeling safe for the first time in over a year.
M: I never forget that you live it too. We should stop this. I have 3 long days (long weekend) to get through with too much time on my hands.
M: Thank you for caring.
STBX: Smilejavascript:%20void(0)
I am glad I ended it. I can't handle it. Especially considering that when we talked she said she is "moving in a couple months" - as in buying a house with OM.
M: (typed before her post above) But you don't know. How sorry I am that you ever had to feel that you were anything but my world. That when I think of something as little as the bump on your nose, I cry. That I ask God to forgive me when I touch your side of the bed at night and say goodnight to you. That I would literally and truly give up my world to spend one night cuddling you and knowing the smell of you and feeling safe for the first time in over a year.
Like the bed thing that has been brought up before, as starsky says above, these texts, convos, thoughts are not helping you any.
Imagine for a moment BTM, that YOU are now the OM. And she has no reason to leave her current R. And she could be enjoying these convos with you. In the same way that you might be entertained rehashing past Rs with old GFs. And how those twinges still sometimes exist.
And YOU may have intentions with these convos, but SHE does NOT.
ie. "Gee... I loved that old station wagon we used to have... such fond memories... 'member that time we took her to the grand canyon... those were the good ol' days... like they were just yesterday. Sometimes I wish we could just do it all over again, but unfortunately Betsy is dead and buried. Still, nice to talk about it."
Is there really anything to understand? Other than the facts that are blatantly out there?
Starsky - Isn't helping me move on or isn't helping me from a DB point of view? It's way too late from a DB point of view.
Kaffe - She has no intentions? None? Not even just to keep toying with me?
I didn't respond to her last text above, and then this:
STBX: If you could just learn to be my friend things would be so much better (cuz she could still cake eat)
M: I tried that. Like the night we went to see (concert). It was so nice, but even with you turning it down, for me it didn't feel like watching a concert with just a friend.
STBX: Ok.
I have not responded and will not. It's amazing the power she has over me. From giving me crap about being a bad father to making me swoon in a matter of hours. That's powerful stuff.
I will stay dark until Wed when I fly out to Calgary to visit an old friend. Then - a simply "bye in case the plane crashes" call.
