Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

WTH? If your father just hit you at your age and you just took it, it's no wonder why you're doing what you're doing with your ex.

First things first. START STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!

You don't deserve to be hit. NO ONE DOES! You shouldn't have to be afraid that your dad will come over. For you to want to save your M, you are the stronger person here. Don't ever let anyone tear you down.

Second, stop being so friendly with your X. Saying things like how he's going to be a good father-figure or whatever just encourages him and shows that you are okay for him leaving you.

You can agree that there were things about the R you two needed to work out, but stop being his buddy buddy. You want to get back together with him right? If he gets the idea that you're fine with him leaving, even if he breaks up with OW, he will find someone else to move on to.

He has to see you as the one with value. As an independent woman. As an individual. NOT as a buddy.

be a woman only a fool would leave...

believe this.

You are intelligent and sensitive and kind. That's more than most. I don't know what you look like

but I'm betting you have lost weight with the "depressed LBSer" diet...its very effective.

So, add to that how crazy OW is...and you WIN...

so be a woman only a fool would leave.

And next time your dad hits you, call the cops.

seriously...

Mr. Bond & 25years,

Mr. Bond, I totally hear what your saying. I am just confused about approaches. I was doing the LRT for weeks, but it seemed only to make him more distant. But working on strength and independence is something I need to do just to survive right now. It has to happen. Yes, I am intimidated by my parents. Lots of violence at home growing up and in a way, I feel like I am back to being a child because I am hurting so badly and relying on them for so much support. I didn't think I could 'burn the bridge' by making a big stink.

Regarding being "buddy-buddy" with Ex-P...I've read every success story on here and most of them note that they were a "friend" to their WAS no matter how hard it was for them. This is where I need help/clarification with approaches.

Today I had a long conversation with Ex-P. It started out as the usual logistics-type conversation (these are very painful for me and my voice was shaking, etc.). So I decided to start asking him about his life and telling him about mine. We talked for a long time, though much of it was agonizing for me to hear (how nice his new house is, etc.), I stayed friendly and upbeat.

In our last conversation, Ex-P mentioned that maybe he just needed more attention, which OW gives him - he's addicted to her and she (apparently) to him. I realized that a 180 for me would be being more forward about my attraction to Ex-P. (I am very attracted to him, so this is easy). I was positively flirtatious on the phone. Ex-P responds very well to flattery, but I am not sure if I made a fool of myself since Ex-P has said he is not attracted to me. (Maybe he just wasn't attracted to the quiet, mousy me.) I ended the conversation by telling him that if things don't work out with OW I am going to ask him on a date. His response was that he would say yes, and then he hesitated and said - "just as friends - I'd like to stay friends."

Of course, its incredibly humiliating to flirt shamelessly while being told to "explore other relationships and open my heart to others," blah, blah, blah. At least its good practice for re-entering the dating world, but is it pushing Ex-P away??? Someone please tell me if I'm making a big mistake by being open about my attraction/feelings/intentions in a lighthearted manner.

On other news: Ex-P warned me that he now has a ring on his finger. I said, "Oh my God, are you engaged?!?" He said, no, that he didn't reciprocate with a ring for OW. He said that OW wants him to wear it to "keep the hussies away." He implied he would marry her one day. (It made me so sick to hear, but its only been three and half months since he dropped the bomb, so I'm not ready to give up.)

I asked how things were going with OW's son - he said he only met him once so far. I said that I remember my childhood friend who had to move in with her mom's boyfriend whom she barely knew and how hard it was for her to adjust. I suggested that they spend more time together if possible since they are all planning on living together very soon. Ex-P said that OW's son still spends a lot of time with OW's ex-boyfriend. I said, "but its not his biological father, right?" (of course, I only asked this because OW denied being her son's biological mother at first - so who knows.) He said, "definitely not." I seriously wanted to bet him five bucks that they are indeed father/son...why else would OW allow such a close bond to remain between an ex-boyfriend and her son when she supposedly intends to marry another man!

I know that I should be giving up entirely. Ex-P has given me every sign that he has no interest in being in a relationship with me again. He's totally invested in a new woman. He was not romantically attracted to me for ten years - and I am a cute lady, with a really good body since becoming so depressed and dropping some weight. Ex-P claims it was never about 'looks'.

So I ask myself and you all, why am I here??? Am I just prolonging my hurt by not disappearing from Ex-P's life? The thought is so painful, but ultimately, the man has been rejecting me for ages and ages. Its just that I still love him and was so happy with him.

Its hard to ever envision being happy again. My heart aches so much. Thanks for listening everyone. I don't know what I would do without DBing. Its the only thing in life that makes sense. I fake being 'happy' and 'okay' around Ex-P, but inside I am wanting to die.

you seem to be helping him in his new life. And helping him with the relationships. WHY HELP HIM WITH OW'S SON??



You want to be his buddy AND pretend to have amnesia about a long term R you two had? Why?

It's as if you are both in denial, so he's off the hook AND he has all the power.

All I can say is that it is NOT part of ANY DB

approach I know of.

Your behavior really puzzles me.

Clearly you aren't showing him your GAL

or that you might be attractED to

or attractING to, OM....


You are ignoring the advice we are giving you when it comes to him.

I am in a rush now

so can't post more but I don't think you are going to get anywhere good with this "approach"...sorry.

I know you are in a lot of pain but if you harken back to your youth, you probably had the same fears then that you have now.

THings DO and WILL get better. NOT b/c someone else rescues you

but b/c you rescue yourself.

At some level, we all have to do it.

hang in there

Oh my God, I really blew it didn't I?

You did not blow it. You made a mistake. Period. It happens.
Don't beat yourself up about it, you pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

"Regarding being "buddy-buddy" with Ex-P...I've read every success story on here and most of them note that they were a "friend" to their WAS no matter how hard it was for them. This is where I need help/clarification with approaches."

You can be friendly to him and remain friends, but your actions go too far. You don't continue to push him into the arms into someone else. And least of all you don't help him with the child of the person he's with.

She gave him a ring to claim ownership. It's her collar on him to own him. Don't let that intimidate you.

Do you contact him all the time or does he call you? Now is the time to start a plan of action.

No ONE Thing you do or say will make or break this broken r...

he's been a selfish weirdly behaving jerk to you

and you are doing whatever you can to make yourself look nice.

But that's not helping your cause. He's even more with her

and wearing a ring and planning on marrying her and yada yada and

he has not met her son but once, (&you wanted to make THAT EASIER??

I won't beat a dead horse if you now see that it's NOT a good idea to help him with ANY part of leaving you).

When my h complained that Alaska was cold or dark, I'd say "bummer, what a drag, etc"...
I validated his complaint, WITHOUT TELLING HIM TO GO OUT AND BUY A SUN-LAMP...

when he said he was lonely, I did not suggest GAL for him,

but said "I can imagine...(b/c your family is HERE...) (See what I'm saying?)

Then I'd tell him the latest fun thing the children had done (which HE missed b/c he was Not here)

Without rubbing it in his face

We discussed his work, my work, MY/KID'S GAL.

IOW

[b]I CONTRASTED the life we had here,

with what he had there.

I talked about how warm, active, fun and loving it was HERE...the event we held OUTSIDE and the classes I was taking and the NEW people I was meeting...etc

So, whatever OW is doing with her son...

you need to contrast your single life's GAL with that,

instead of supporting it...(I mean, enough enabling)

[/b] Think about the single life you have, the studies, the career stuff

and how you are advancing yourself.

I know you want to be "nice" to him and Granted, he can't say you are mean. But there are a ton of ways you can be strong and Not mean.

Maybe you need to learn what those are,

b/c you probably equate strength with being nasty

and weakness with kindness.

I know I'm being an armchair psych but

from your background and your father's PRESENT day behavior and how you reacted to that AND your reaction to your ex p...I wonder.


It'd be so good for you to talk to a c.

To me, If your exP were half the man you thought he was

he'd pay you real money (without you asking) and you'd get some help.

(But Do NOT ask for money from him, in order

For you to get help")

But when he asks if you need anything, have you ever thought of saying
tbh, "I could use some dang money for "getting back on my feet" (since I cannot afford to live away from my still hitting dad)...and my expected job promotion can't happen til a year from now...(so what if that isn't necessarily true YET...it will be) or

A "loan" for "transitioning to being on your own" which HE knows you have never been, thanks to his "rescue" of you, aka stealing your adolescence...(both? Fine...)

It really is the LEAST he could do since he broke your heart & he never really warned you of his needs not being met nor did he meet YOURS Btw...

oh yeah, those things...yes Alone, YOU had UNmet needs too...I think you put up with it from fear of being alone.

In a way that fear is what contributed to bringing about the very thing you dreaded...being abandoned.

I am NOT blaming you for him leaving.

But if you can see how your behavior then, and now, doesn't help a man to feel attracted but instead might feel burdened (same behavior can lead a man to want to rescue you AT FIRST)

then YOU'LL be better off in the short AND long run. True, it will increase the chances of your ex p waking up...

but that's not the main purpose.

Don't forget, we do know that your ex p won't come home to you by behaving the way you have been so far...let him go


Btw, have you ever lost your temper? Ever make a "demand"? Just curious.
I do hope you can talk to a professional.
There are places that provide mental health help on a sliding scale, btw. You have a lot of baggage, and it's affecting your choices as an adult.

And don't freak that I suggest this. I've Been there, done that. Got meds and they helped me, thank God.

Also, You might want to change your screen name. Seems like a negative label you could do without.

Maybe a more positive hopeful name would be more appropriate

and someday SOON, also more accurate anyhow?

Like "startingfresh35"...or "GAL@35"

or "ExPisW/CrazyNow"...

Hang in there, and Good luck!

Totally agree with 25.

Thanks guys for getting me back on track. I don't know what I was thinking. I honestly THOUGHT I was DBing.

MrBond, No, I NEVER, ever contact Ex-P. The only reason he contacts me is to work out logistical stuff. (Not that it matters, but I had to follow up tonight's conversation with a very matter of fact email telling him that he needs to clear out the rest of his stuff because he is now living in a big house and I am being forced to downsize to a studio apartment.) What plan of action do you suggest - other than to NOT be soooo nice. I need help!

25years, I'm getting the sense that you think reconciliation with Ex-P is hopeless. That is probably what I need to hear. Its just so hard to accept. I want there to be hope. I want to believe that love is long-suffering and that love never fails.

I see how you were able to contrast the life you had back home with the much less appealing life your husband was living in Alaska...but I don't have anything appealing to offer EXCEPT my niceness. I'm losing our home, moving into a tiny apartment, have no children to maintain a connection, am accepting a higher-paying though less interesting job, and am (in every conceivable way) becoming *less* of a catch than I formerly was when I at least was credited with maintaining a nice home and lifestyle for Ex-P.

So, in short, ALL I have to offer is my friendship and love. Yet, he appears not to even want or value that...though it was my hope that he would. All is lost, I must let him go.

Yes, I need counseling soooooo badly, but its not in the budget. Ex-P has offered to give me some money (how much, I have no idea) but he wants to meet up on Thursday to do it. This will be the first time I've seen him in seven or eight weeks and I am terrified I'll break down. Well, at least I've now got a smokin' hot body from the depression diet. I doubt he'll notice but everyone else seems to. I bought a new lipstick. I never used to wear make-up.

25years, you ask if I ever get angry, yes I do, but very rarely. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, I can totally vouch for that. If someone does something mean or unfair to me, rather than hate them, I hate myself. I do feel really, really bitter that ex-P left me without warning, started a new relationship within hours, slept in our bed after being with her - before I found out, carried on with OW insensitively in front of me for weeks, and has ruined me financially, emotionally, and in every other way. I'm bitter that he lied when he said we'd always be together. I'm bitter that he destroyed the only future I ever wanted or expected. I'm bitter that he also took my past by claiming that he fell out of love with me long ago...it was all false.

Yet, I still want him back because I remember the person he WAS and not the selfish, insensitive creature he seemingly became overnight. It is so, so sad. It is pathetic, I am pathetic. I'm not ready for a new screen name yet. I'm not even ready for tomorrow. I was packing up stuff today and came across an envelope full of home-made cards he made me for every birthday, anniversary, etc. They were so sweet, so full of love and care and effort - and now I have to believe that it was all false.

Wait a minute, 25years, I re-read your last post for the zillionth time and now I see more clearly. The thing that can attract ex-P isn't that I have a nice house (I don't), or a car of my own, his children, or even much of a social life (yet)...its that I simply WON'T need him anymore (or, more realistically, I'll appear not to need him.)

I used to need him for everything. When I was out of town he came by the house to get some of his stuff and he was surprised and complimentary that I planted the garden without him...since I no longer have to feed him, I guess he thought I'd just let it grow weeds - or he thought I'd be too depressed or helpless to do it without him. I hated every second of planting that garden without him (we always did it together), but I forced myself to do it as part of my GAL - life was going to go on while he was wooing and pining and crying over OW and completely AWOL. And he noticed, it was one of the few things he actually noticed - it made him say that living there "had been fun". Too bad the house is being sold and I won't see much of a harvest. Still, it surprised him.

Maybe my strategy should be to surprise him as much as possible with the things I am doing - even if they aren't fun or pleasant things, they are things I am doing by myself.