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Harrier,

You are not alone. As you said in my thread, we are pretty much in the same sitch. And the list you made is pretty much what I think is my H's too. In reverse situations like yours, typically women are more verbal, so at least you do know where you stand. In my case I don't even have the luxury of words (as you see in the title of my thread), I think my H really prefers not to talk because he is afraid that he will just be pushed to say the D word.

Sometimes the emotional exhaustion is protective for us, it makes us just let go and in many cases, that is helpful. being so vigilant of everything our spouses say and do makes them feel the pressure. I too am sooo exhausted, and its been a year for me now, just got through my bomb-aversary (June 26).

I too let my H know that I did not want to be friends, if ever we D. Same response - I am being selfish, etc. I explained that when that happens, the reason for me not wanting to see him is that it will be too painful for me, and if i do wish to go on with my life, I would rather not be friends with him. I have to be selfish too to protect my wellbeing. I think he got that reasoning and never bugged me about it afterwards. He realized that making the decision to go also comes with consequences.

Thanks JTB and especially thanks to you Angel61.

I feel bad that I am not alone, but it's good to have your thoughts.

I did have a short telephone call with my W. She pulled back a little from yesterday and said I should focus on the worst case scenario because it just hurts myself when that hurt may not need to take place.

She did say that she has opened her mind to both full reconciliation and to divorce as well. She has no idea where it could go.

She that she is prepared to "lose everything." But would do it to spare herself from hating me. It sound odd.

We both agreed that neither would take any action (like filing) before I moved out and probably not in the first couple months.

This is too big a decision that she has to make to just go by the whims of the moment. I do worry about my ability to stay patient though.

I can only just do what I've been doing up until now.

I think I know what she means. My H once said the same thing too - that with us talking about the R and everything seemingly spiraling downward, we had a greater chance of saving good memories if we split up at that point in time, even if it meant that he (we) would lose everything.

What does this mean for you? It just points out that whatever it is that you are doing is not working. You have to find a way to get out of that downward spiral.

For me, it meant STFU ing. Stop all R talks, because there was no use to it anyway, we could not find common ground, or talk my H into committing to fix the M, or plan any action even.

I let him take the lead with regards to any action (its his problem anyway).If I find myself wanting out, sick and tired, whatever I just stay in my office till he is asleep so I dpn't open my big mouth.

So 4 months after our last major R talk, we are still together. There were some small outbursts, one spurred by my snooping, but no action taken.

I can't say that we are taking steps towards R, but at least I do feel that the downward slidfe has halted.He even once said that he felt that with our present situation, he will consider staying, then a couple of days after that, in the idst of a fight, he suddenly said that I should not worry, he will honor his vows as well and stay married to me. Didn't argue any longer and again, just decided to STFU. A friend of mine said that the bigger deal you make of it the bigger deal it is.

As they say, the fate of the M really depends on the LBS. Maybe next time your W brings up R talk just tell her you are not ready to talk about anything. You already know enough.

I KNOW that made a difference in my sitch. Do it Harrier. Do it now. STFU.

And Harrier, STFU doesn't necessarily mean to say cold war or NC or whatever. Just means no R talk. Keep the connection, talk about the kids, the weather, make her smile with funny stories, be entertaining if she's willing to listen. Listen when she talks. If it is R talk, nod, validate, etc. but find a way to get out of it when you could. Don't believe all that she says, as you know, its a "whim" ( your own words).

I forgot the part about not believing what they say. I guess I could just chose not to believe it . LOL

Anywho, I will do just that. Her actions aren't consistent with her words to be honest.

Tt does put me in a pickle. I mean the huge advantage to moving out would be that I would have time by myself to not have to fake it. I'm a terrible actor anyway.

Small update - I had emailed our MC for a referral for an IC. he wrote back and said that he wanted to give me a quick call to see what was going on. I talked with him for a bit and gave him an update. He said he was going to call my W.

I told him that she wouldn't see him and especially not to change her mind on the moving out thing. although I'd like to see the MC before moving out, I respect my W's wishes. I hope she doesn't think I put him up to it.

Well, the sun came up today. Just like it will no matter how my story turns out.

you guys has have helped me more than you could know (I wish 25mlc would chime in though).

I realize that I need to changed my attitude. It's okay to be sad, mad, frustrated, etc...just maybe not around her. My W told me a few months ago me being happy, confident, etc is attractive to her. Honestly, I haven't been very attractive.

Last night before my W goes to bed she says "Who knows what will happen?" It kinda bugs me when she says this. Then gives me a hug and a kiss.

I believe that we can have a great M again. I am willing to do the work if she is. I will be patient with her. I believe her feelings can changes towards me.

But if they don't I will be okay.

I do have one Q though. I plan on moving out in Aug. For now we are sleeping in the same bed. I'm wondering if that should continue.

Part of me says yes, you want to be as normal as possible w/o reminders of what is to come. And to some extent this is different as to what you might normally do.
but OTOH, I feel like she could use the space, it would be a 180 and it will make the transition to my own place a small bit easier.

My W has said she sees no reason to change things, but if that's what I want she will be okay with it.

Thoughts?

It's a good question.

Is it a problem right now? If there is a problem, by all means change something.

However, I get the idea that you might be doing this to have you and her grown accustomed to it.

Maybe?

OR worse, that by doing this it might wake her up...and worse only because of that hope attached to it.

I see a seperation as an eye opening experience...good and bad.
(Somethings I grew accustomed to doing when seperated I brought along with me when we got back together. Just as my wife did.)

Sort of like getting hit in the face with a Large mouth bass.

Why would you want to prep that with her getting used to it with goldfish?

as usual. Good solid advice. No problem now. Other than every time I slip into bed she immediately rolls over way from me. Sometimes she rolls back, but we were never really a "spooning" couple. though we did cuddle at times.

We slept apart for 7 weeks in Nov. - Dec. Then one day, she just asked me to come back into the bed. Been that way since. She almost always goes to sleep before me, so I don't think she'll notice that much one-way or the other.

My bed options are limited. Since we started sleeping in the same bed. We moved our 4-year old to the spare bed. Our 20 month old got the 4-year-olds mini-bed. So it would be the couch or a futon for me.

Honestly, that is a big reason for me. Neither is hope attached to it.

Well, I started my process today. Making things light and easy with my W.

Trying to focus on the positive, trying to take the next month with a little hope ad a lot of work.