Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The BIG D and its Path of Destruction

I understand exactly what you mean regarding the distance. It presents its own set of challenges. My head and emotions are swimming. That last couple of days have been overwhelming to say the least. I’m ready to decompress for the weekend.

To think that this is only the beginning of this. The only way through it is through it.

My L still needs to get the orders back from the court. Then my W will be served. My L said that she would call my W if I so choose. I want it to be done with dignity. I told my L that I didn't want to humiliate her anymore than what is in the order.

Thanks for that great piece of advice.

Hmmm... I think that I would do it yourself. Just tell her that your lawyer included some stuff in some court paperwork that she is about to receive that you hadn't wanted included.... and that you are sorry it was.

She'll ask what... just tell her that the lawyer included all of the details of everything that has happened.

Leave it at that.

That's my opinion anyway.

Better to hear it from you than the lawyer. People don't like us much.

BITS
Denver

You are right. I will let her know myself when the time gets closer for her to get served. I just noted your post to have it on my person. I think I am wearing out the thank yous.

well I let out a breath of relief reading your post....

phew!!

So, remember what my DB coach and MC said about how you stress to the kids what's NOT changing in their lives?

That goes for the "BIG D" talk and also, there's no need to say the word "divorce" sooner than necessary.

And until you both KNOW it is happening and even then,
you can ease them into the adjustments coming...

it's often a good idea to say this is a "time out" first and then say after some time,"we've thought about it and prayed about it and feel more sure it's the time for us to Div"....IF it comes to it.

There are arguments that using "time out" gives them false hope. To that I ask, "1) what's FALSE about hope and, 2) so what?

They need time to process that they'll be with you and

NOT their mom this summer,

they'll be going to the same school (is d older?)

AND live in the same neighborhood with the same friends (son cares about that!)

and who says W cannot move back to the area even if she wants a div?

Your state has custody and states don't like giving that up unless both parties agree. Calif has jurisdiction and won't release it without a lot of scrutiny. No 'automatically going to the mom" in your case.


What will hurt you is what agreement you two had about the move to NM.

But for now all the court wanted was stability.

Your kids are here and you want them to stay and you have a home they're used to. IMO this was a legal no brainer.

Not taking away from your joy/relief,

but the real battle is ahead.

I hope your w wants to be on the same page as you with the conversation


PLEASE DO NOT engage in marriage reviews in that talk

It's about what to tell the kids NOW. Steer it back to that UNLESS she talks about a reconciliation...which isn't likely if she sees that letter

But I do know a WAW who went back to her h
when he filed for custody and got it...oops, not in her plan. She had an OM and the OM didn't want to marry her as he too was married.

But the terms of her h's "accepting her back" were pretty onerous. She agreed, begrudingly, and I think it lasted another 3 years.

Point isn't to discourage you but to point out that

losing your kids IS a motivator to reconcile...but the letter sent was the opposite so make sure IF she reads it....and she might not...you blame the Lawyers.

But Don't expect a recon talk from her at this point. So dont' engage in R talk.

See, if you engage, again, you'll again be forcing her to cement in her mind how right she was to leave and you'll be reminding her AGAIN

of all the reasons she had for leaving you

and how wrong you are to be you.

Keep the focus on the kids NOW.

And don't be surprised if she someday tapes the calls, btw.

Be aware of what you admit. No, I'm not suggesting you lie. I dislike that.

But don't be naive. She's going to know she's at war soon.


Her mother will fuel her fire thanks to the letter IF she knows the contents.


YES BLAME THE LAWYER...

I volunteer on behalf of all of us, to have you blame us! That's why you pay us the big bucks...blame the L, as long as your w doesn't have a gun

IF she reads the letter (and again, some don't)

you tell her you had mentioned those things in your conversation to the L,

but had no idea that it would be documented that way...

this type of mistatement is allowed for the good of your family

and because you WOULD have removed those words if you'd been thinking straight (or come here first)

I just hope a judge deletes it from any findings since it's almost all legally irrelevant to the custody issues.

"Best interests of the children" is the standard. That's determined by

stability of home-includes child care arrangements and work schedule
social support, like family
safety issues, No bad neighborhood or drunk driver driving them, etc
bond between the custodial parent


and whatever else your state says. (IS it California?)


good luck!

25, you have given me so much to think about and how to approach dealing with our children and the legal process. I appreciate it.

I knew that my W would be calling about the time I was driving home from work. Thankfully, she got caught up in her office, so it delayed the call. When I refreshed my phone and saw your post, I pulled off the freeway to read it. I had a feeling that it had great advice for my convo with her and sure enough it did. I will reply to it after this update.

First, I want to share my feelings about today. Obviously I’m glad that the judge granted the injunction, however I feel dirty about the letter. I regret that I allowed it to get filed the way it is. It rips my heart out when I think about it. There isn’t much I can do about it now, except hope that it miraculously does not get to my W or she does not read it. I’m just not excited about it.

Now for the convo with the W. When she called, we again started with a typical exchange. I asked how she was doing, how work was going, etc, etc. The tone was similar to the convo on Tuesday. Then when we had covered all of the normal talk there was silence…..(I will type it out as close to how I remember)

M: I suppose we should talk about the elephant in the room?

W: Yes, what are we going to tell the kids? You know D8 is expecting to come. (She apologized for talking to our D about a new bedroom and comforter set that D was asking about.)

M: (I told her something about not to worry about it their discussion regarding the bedroom set. I just can remember exactly right now). I understand that she is still under the impression that they are moving in 3 weeks. I think we should keep it simple. Let them know that things have come up and that they will continue to stay with me until we can work everything out. They may have questions and we will have to let them know that both mommy and daddy love them and we will do everything to make sure they are taken care of.

W: So you won’t reconsider?

M: I can’t. (I could hear the hurt in her voice and this made me sad.)

W: Do you realize what you are going to drag them through? Do you really want to have to go through family court?

M: Please stop. I do not want to drag them through a custody battle. However, as their father, I feel that given the choices that I have, it is in their best interest to stay here with me.

W: What made you change your mind?

M: A lot of things have changed. You have a lot on your plate and I felt that it is best that they stay here.

W: Of course you don’t communicate that to me. So typical.

M: Please stop. We’ve been over this and I don’t want to rehash it.

W: How are you going to take care of them?

M: The same way that I have been taking care of them the last 3 months.

W: So your mom is moving out there?

M: My mom is willing to stay with me as long as I need her to.

W: Do you know how the kids feel about your mom? You know your mom yells at them? Do they tell you and do you listen to them? I never told you out of respect for you. (OUCH!! That made me feel small because of the stupid letter.)

M: Of course I listen to them. (This is a good piece of information. I have asked my mom to quit yelling before and after that comment, I reiterated to her that we have to be perfect. I told her that she is as much a target in this as I am.) Do they tell you that once daddy gets home that it is all daddy? (Could have done without this comment).

W: Yes they do.

W: You know that this is going to cause damage to D8 and S5?

M: Look, I feel what is best for them is to have access to both of us. There is nothing in NM for me.

W: What about future possibilities?

M: I can’t base my decision on possibilities. I have to base my decision on the facts that are in front of me.

That’s the gist of the convo. Most of it probably should have been eliminated.

She did call back about 15 minutes later to ask me to email my L’s contact information. I sent it and let my L know that my W has her info. I asked her for the contact info of her L and haven’t received a response. It’s probably because she doesn’t have one. I really feel like an idiot for not being more methodical with the letter and being so paranoid.

Sounds like you handled that conversation very well LB. I think that you are right, your W probably does not have an attorney at this point.

You are also very smart to tell your mom that she is going to be a target just as much as you. She needs to be on very good behavior... as do you.

Anyway, nicely done.

Denver

Actually, I'd give you an "A+" on the whole thing. Fantastic.

especially this part:







Starsky

Thanks Denver and Starsky. I'm still beating myself about the letter.

Quick update:

My W doesn't have an attorney. I've been texting mine back and forth about giving my W the courtesy about receiving the order. I asked her if I can personally give a heads up and that I feel the letter will destroy any chance of R if one existed. Her response was "oh well, it's the truth".

My L did agree that she will call my W after I talked to her to save her anymore humiliation.

I'm between a rock and a hard spot. I need a miracle.

we're rooting for you


and as for the damage to the kids

they'll be damaged anyhow. Their mother left their father...(oh yeah, that)

You are doing damage control now. It's called stability and that's huge to kids and courts. Plus, dare I say where you are living now (Bay?)

is going to be a lot better for them than NM.

But I'm snobby that way.

And your mom will have to work on yelling of hers, but at least she's not bedridden with headaches

(that sounds meaner than I meant it to...yikes! This is spreading )