can't do it now sorry but you'll be making a HUGE MISTAKE sending it & it will backfire on you
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mood at start of writing post 4/10 on happiness scale.. . Today is a tough day... After a relatively good week with positive moods for both of us, I knew that it couldn't last forever.
One could read that as negative thinking but I'm going to assume you mean that life is not a smooth road...
I am journalling to keep my sanity.
I feel REALLY lonely today. I am also still feeling unsteady about the email incident of Wednesday. God it is tough being married to a WAW. I am doing my best to be helpful carefree, respectful, and stick to my plan, but it is tough. I keep reading the 37 rules, but they are tough. I want my wife more now because she is pulling away from me.
Keep reading the rules and print out a copy and put it in your wallet if you have to. I did. And I added a few of my own.
As for the wanting her more now....well, What Jack said about that^^^...
and as "game-ish" as this sounds, and is, you can reverse it on her too you know. And you should. Not to play games but to remind your w and yourself, that she's not the only person capable of making a new life.
I can see clearly how GAL works and I wish I had the strength to pull away from her. You're "pulling away" to get her back, AND OR to get yourself to a better place. You are not "leaving" the R. You must pull back for now.
Hoping that she would be drawn closer to me.
We know. But you are expecting too much too soon. Isn't that clear to you?
Look at the timelines the rest of us have, including those who are reconciled. It's much longer than you've experienced and speaking for myself, I didn't have a h with a big complaint about my anger/temper. You do.
I noticed in your letter and your posts, you tend to minimize the relevance or importance of your temper. Don't minimize it or pretend it's not that bad or that it's all been fixed so fast. That would be a mistake. It's a mistake made OFTEN by people with bad tempers. They'll gloss over the fight they caused or prolonged, or the frequency of them.
Because they tend to "get over" their temper tantrum fast, and b/c THEY resume activities as if nothing happened, they believe life goes on and problem is solved b/c they stopped yelling/berating...AND
They think the people in their lives are "holding onto" their pain & "holding grudges". But that's unfair.
AND it's not how it is for the people around them.
Those with tempers will say they "apologized immediately" (if they ever do) & they expect all to be fine now...after all, they said they were sorry...
People w/temper problems seem seem genuinely amazed that all is NOT well... even after they apologized...
Here's why it's not okay even IF an apology is given.
Losing your temper ALWAYS means hurting someone.
Apologies do NOT erase that. The injury done with cutting remarks lasts longer than you want to know.
And the injuries accumulate...and they build.
So every time you yelled, snapped or berated, you hurt someone.
When you hurt the kids yelling, you also hurt your w...
Face this & really own it, or you won't get you where you want to go.
A good month of not losing your temper with the kids is GREAT, but it's not "all even" now. For every biting remark or slap or snide comment, a kid has to hear 5-6 compliments.
That cliche sounds trite but it's true.
AND it means that your kids are 5-6 times more likely to recall a nasty comment than a compliment. Same goes for your w...
... I guess what is tough fir me is the fact that I like to be home with my family. I got that out of me when I was young b4 I was married. My wife on the other hand never did get that out of her system...
I had always thought I had an anger problem, but clearly it is not anywhere near as bad as I thought after reading an anger management book. YES IT IS AS BAD....your w said so and you said so....
The examples in the book are designed to make you feel your problems are more manageable, so they use extremes.
Also, they do this for illustrative purposes. In addition to reading about managing your temper, try to Read about a patient, normal man in a healthy M, and use HIM as your reference point.
I did takeaway some helpful techniques from my kids book on managing their temper.
What?? Why focus on them? Even if they do have bad tempers, Where do you think they learned that?
Why not focus on YOU only?
MODEL FOR THEM, HOW TO MANAGE ONES' TEMPER...
You did this in your letter to your w too. It's another reason the letter was a bad idea b/c if it were me, I'd tear it up the second you said anything negative about me
or pretended to want me to get C to help me, b/c....b/c why? B/C I'm so perfect? It's a backhanded insult/attack, under the guise of a constructive suggestion. Doesn't fool anyone. Never suggest to her that SHE get help for what SHE perceives as your flaws bothering her.
See, You start to "own" your problems-- but then you deflect or go back to blaming or criticizing her.
Now you're doing it to the kids. First, even if it's true, you were the example they learned from, so, look in the mirror.
Second, it scares me that you so quickly skim your problems and look to others to Criticize or "fix". IMO. I am really proud of how well I'm doing in that area too.
I wish that I could level out my moods but that is tough for me because I have trouble keeping a lid on my emotions (but I have been doing a good job of it for over a month now)
Do you see how contradictory this ^^^ all is?
Let's go for 90 days without losing it, as a goal for you to then monitor results of. For instance after 90 days of Not losing your temper-
THEN, you can ask your kids,
"hey, I've been working on being more patient. So, how am I doing so far?"
If you lose your temper before then, admit it and tell them you are working on it. Let them know that you are aware of flaws you have and are willing to address them. That's a great example for them to follow. It means flaws are allowed, you are not too proud to admit them, and implicitly, it demonstrates forgiveness.
Is there any suggestions anyone can give me to help give me ideas on how to GAL? See Jack's note to you.
How do I deal with this incredible loneliness? See Jacks' note to you on GAL (meet PEOPLE) and come here
Oh yeah... I never sent the letter to my wife of my last post... I just had to get it out of me. I can definitely see how it would hurt my efforts, although it feels totally natural to peruse her, I haven't. You mean "snoop" on her? I'm glad you didn't...for now, confronting is useless and counter productive. (The letter as written is never going to be a good idea though.)
Mood at end of writing post 7/10 on happiness scale... There.... That's better!
Johnnie
Glad posting here helped.
I know coming here saved me from numerous "letters"...and I "Met" some really great people
including great men who helped me to trust my h again. And to see a man's view.
I'm married to an MD and there was one here who had a WAW with OM...
hearing his perspective on things, and him hearing the views of a "doc's wife" and how it can be a drag
were UNavailable anywhere else. I mean, what a gift this place is.
BTW- if and when you do write her a letter, and IF & WHEN you actually send it...(previewed here of course)
KNOW that it cannot be more than ONE page long...EVER...
Save the lengthy legal filings for the lawyers.
No letter or message or apology
(or accusation or berating)....needs to be longer than a page.
HANG IN THERE...
we've been where you are and it does sukkk.
But you have to make your changes real and to HER,
only consistency, plus sufficient time, does that for HER.
Even then, She won't know how SHE feels about that, for some (MORE) TIME
so that's two chunks of time you have not encountered.
Your changes sound inconsistent and the email revealed you snooped....so it's a backslide. So let's learn from it and move forward...
As Starsk, (I think) said, "If she is lying to you, confronting does nothing."
If she's telling the truth (and, apparently she might be),
then you're hurting your cause. Plus the email was, admittedly a bad one to see if it's real
but not necessarily Fatal to your m.
It didn't say "can't wait to be in bed with you again and leave my idiot h".
Bottom line is
The time may come where you feel she is cake eating.
Then you'll have to change your approach, AND give it time, AND monitor for results.
Til then (and it's not now)
you have to stay the course. And stop obsessing.
The GAL helps a lot with the obsessing
and that's another reason you have to start doing it FOR REAL...
I recommend you do some things without the kids (there is value in them seeing you GAL, seeing you have passion for hobbies and how you go out into the world and meet people. So it's not a total negative for the kids to have you out of the house). AND
It's the only way for your w to see you as an attractive "good catch"
whom she does not want to lose.
With you being obviously needy and clingy (and irritably testy to boot!)
you make it painfully obvious you are totally available/accessible to her
waiting...impatiently waiting...fuming but waiting...
festering, obsessing and snooping, but waiting...
When we say "move forward" we are NOT saying "give up".
we are saying NO MORE WAITING...
GAL and start bringing something to the table other than your needs.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
all I did was copy and paste the link from your post containing your wife's e-mail. i pasted it into Google, and it returned a bunch of entries that all seem to be about viruses and such.
