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So here I am on my trip. Being cooped up in a plane for 11 hours made all sort of thoughts enter my mind and some times I would find myself sitting there in the dark plane, tears running down my cheeks.

Although we enjoyed the weekend, it was really more because of our interaction with H's cousin. When its just me and H, he seemed actually to be pulling back. In front of CIL, he even would recall some of our nicer experiences together. Hde even planned to visit again the place we talked about, told me "lets go there again". But when I tried to be nice to him because he was feeling sick, he seemed to be irritated with the attention. Although when he woke up at 2AM coughing like crazy, he looked for me (I was packing) and asked for meds. I told him where the meds where, but when I went down, he was just sitting at the table, looking helpless, and I could not help it, I searched for the meds and gave him some. Big baby.

Anyways, while I was with CIL, we had some interesting convos in front of H. One was about H's sister, whose son is dying of cancer, and who has recently realized how she was escaping from the pain by not ebeing around. I mentioned that now I understood what it means to be strong for someone else, in her situation, she finally understood it that she had to go beyond her pain and stay with her son to show him her love and support. We also once spoke about the blessing of being a parent, of having children, and how it was a committment.

Both times, I noticed that H became quiet. It suddenly occured to me that maybe it was not a good thing to talk about those things in front of him? Maybe he will feel that it was meant as jabs to his own priorities? I don't know, maybe I get on my soapbox too much that I am starting to think that everything I say might be seen as "preaching". To be honest, am I trying to impress upon H that I am a good parent? Or guilting him?

Another convo we had about relatives had something to do about forgiveness. We talked about another cousins family where they all fought. But now they have all reconciled and are talking again. The mom however wants to know "why" it all happened. H was the first to say that it was no use to bring up the past, that they should leave things as it should be. I agreed, and said that they should forgive and live "frm this day onward" and not dig up the past. I felt it was a chance to show H I understood...

I am not sure how these will all be perceived, over-all though I sense a pullback from H.

Regarding the upcoming weekend where H is going to OW's city, turns out he does not have plans yet what to do with D. No plane ticket for her to go with him. I told him to just let me know what his final plans are, but did not suggest anything. I trust he has D's welfare in mind and would not leave her with just any friend so he could be free to be with OW. But again, who knows?

I hope he does not do anything to set back the situation. Or to make D feel uncomfortable. I can only leave it with God, but I am unsettled to say in the least.

I think you're right, Angel, that getting on your soapbox too often is NOT going to convince your H of the rightness of what you're preaching--it's only going to make him feel attacked/in the wrong/guilted, and as if it's him VERSUS you rather than both of you thinking as a team, at least until he's able to think rationally rather than emotionally again. Remember, how you act (modeling forgiveness, good parenting skills, etc) is going to be more convincing to him than hours of talking could ever be.

I think you're wise to let H decide how to handle the weekend with/without your D, since no amount of acting in a controlling manner will stop him from seeing OW if that is what he decides to do.

It's perfectly understandable that you feel unsettled--keep working on that detachment, leave your H to God, and try to make the most of the time you have alone.

Angel,

The OM works at my W's hospital 1 day a week and is best friends with the guy she does work for. They are part of the small community of professionals in their area. so they have contact...not as much as they did, but it still does occur . I know my W doesn't tell me about each interaction.

I'm pretty sure the EA is over and has been for months. I'm learning to trust her again.

Snooping brought me a lot of problems - for myself and for the M. Then I met with our MC and he told me a couple things that seemed to click. He identified the times when I'm likely to snoop - When I'm bored, scared, lonely or anxious.
he also I need to address this now or it will follow me for all my relationships.

It dawned on me that I need to no snoop not for my W or my M, but for me. I don't want to be that person.

enjoy your trip

Finally found some time to update.

Its been almost 2 weeks now since i got back from my trip, and a lot has happened. But one thing I have learned though is that if you step back and look at the whole situation, things could balance each other out in the end. If you get a setback, just don't make it worse, and think of how things could be, say, a month from that day. And it helps get things back on track.

So H did go to see OW when I was away, and left D with a trusted friend. He told me on the phone that he was going to see her, and also told me that he was NOT going to do anything that would be (a word in our language that is hard to explain, but means something like a combination of disrespect and disgust) to me. In other words, my interpretation of that is he is steering his relationship with OW into a friendship, and that is how I should see it. (As background info: in the past, he admitted to me that he had a friend who he felt attracted to before, but he succesfully turned that into a friendship, actually with us all. He once said to me that he envisions this thing with the OW turning into something similar, although for me, it is really playing with fire, as his feelings for OW is much stronger that that of the old friend)

I tried to be non-reactive, but in the end, got panicky and controlling and started calling repetetively and checking on what time he was back, why he didn't call me, etc. until it got to the point where he asked me if I thought he was neglecting our D. Although I denied it, in the end my bad feelings came out and I know he felt my distrust and my need to control. he asked me to stop constantly checking him as he could handle it by himself.

I emailed him and said my piece about his leaving D, but also said I realized i was being controlling and paranoid, and tld him i would work on that.

I thought things through and decided in the end that when I got back, i was going to just continue with everything as though nothing happened.

It was the best thing - although he was distant with me, and sad too, gradually things went back to normal.

Fathers day weekend I had a little accident at home - I broke a glass of nail polish on the floor and got wounded, needing stitches, in the process. he brought me to the ER, but he was not too happy. After he picked me up again he wouldn't speak with me even if I talked to him that finally I was so exasperated that I told him I would like some respect! He apologized and I stuck my hand at him to shake and said "friends", that made him laugh and broke the eyes. the rest of the weekend was OK, we went cherry picking all together, did a Fathers day lunch, and brought our dog back home.

He still seeems determined to stay. A few comments here and there tells me his sentiments - for example, he commented on someone being hard hearted, saying the proof is that she could leave his family, and he seemed disgusted by it. I just agreed and nodded although I was sorely tempted to tell him that he did consider the same thing!) Plans for future things, D's schooling, work, etc. have all been discussed with me lately. He has an offer for contractual work with my company and he has been asking me what to do about it, as he told me he did not want to jeopardize the possibility that he could come back to working full time in the company but at the same time did not have the bandwidth to do all they wanted him to do.

Anyway, after a week things had gone back to how they were before I left.

I guess I am learning to be patient more and more, and really seeing the meaning of what it means when they say that the fate of the M belongs to the LBS.

I really look on this now as a stage that I just have to endure and learn from. I miss the feeling of being loved so much, but just keep in mind that someday, hopefully, it will be back. I realize that it is not easy to make the decision to leave a M and family, and that as long as i don't push my H, or make the move myself, we have a big chance of staying together and working on it.

oops, broke the ice... wonderwhy I typed eyes. thats so funny.

will reply when I can...
in a rush now

Thanks 25, I am looking forward to that.

Your advice is so valuable, it helps me not only to understand my situation but also, more importantly, in recovering when I backslide. I know I seem like Eeyore sometimes, which is funny because I have always been the optimist, the sunny person in my family. My daughter tells me that it is precisely because of that kind of attitude that I don't know how to deal with a prolonged down period.

I am continuing with the update:

H's nephew with brain CA finally passed away, so H had to go home to his home country to attend the funeral, as all his siblings are going to, and this is the first death in his family. Happened when I was on my way back, and so that topic also provided us with a lot of conversation. One of the effects on H of all this is that sometimes, he seems to have lost touch with his empathetic side. He says and does the necessary thing, but I feel that it is because he knows what is expected of him.

I had some intimate convos with his sister, who asked me if H was angry at his parents because he is not really connecting or helping them out financially. I think he just does not realize that they need help, so I told her that they should meet as a fmaily and let H know of his obligations. They know I am generous too, and have always helped out myself whenever I could, but of course I do not want to impose on H.

She also reminded me to tell H to bring some gifts for friends who have been so generous in organizing hunting trips for H, and parties as well. I approached it this way: I asked H what he was going to bring to his friends, and when he seemed unsure, I volunteered to get gifts for him. I praised his friends for being so supportive and said that we should return the favor, and he agreed.

Somehow, H has always been one of those people who other people tend to take care of, and love, and his achievements always seem to stand out. The thing is he also has always been such a nice person before, also helpful in his own way. I remember how his family all said that of all the girls he ever dated, they all knew that he would marry me because I was the only one who he served more than I served him. He is one of those people who givers gravitate to, and mostly its because he is also such an appreciative person, but sometimes did take others for granted, and this has gotten worse with his MLC.

With this "acts of service LL" in mind, when I got back I redouble my efforts to do acts of service, going beyond my usual chores (I clean, do laundry and dishes, H cooks, does the groceries, takes care of dog, brings and picks up D from school)
by doing small, loving gestures (like you, 25 said about the medicines).

In the few days before he left, our R improved a lot with all this, and before he left, we even ML, and I felt that he was more emotionally connected this time. Now that he is away, I have made a conscious effort not to call him, and since I also went on a trip with D, I would just inform him by text that we landed safely, etc. I noticed that he texted me also quite a lot and has been even asking me to call. Our convos are nice, where he was sounding eager to talk to me, and share his experiences, not just like the "hi, just checking if you and D are OK" type.

As of now, I feel content to let it just go this way for a while, no pressure. Its time for some emotional rest.

Thinking more about what I know about H.

He has always been a controlled person, but with a streak of daring. Those who don't know him well enough only see the quiet, disciplined, productive person, and get surprised when they learn that he is a hunter who has gone to some far away places, who has done a lot of adventurous things, who had a Vegas wedding for kicks (our 2nd wedding, we did it 3 times!).

He likes to see how far he could go without "jumping off the cliff", in his own words.

I am the "jump off the cliff" type of person, a risk taker. Have done it many times. I accepted a HS scholarship 500 miles away from home. Many other small things.

He did jump off a few times, but we did it together.Like come to the USA together, changed career.

H has never made those kind of decisions in his life without me to back him up.

His family ties are strong, even without his empathetic side, his aware side will never allow him to do anything out of the norm.

Add to that his being a Catholic, who actively goes to church and prays.

I feel that all this are strong arguments that he will uphold keeping his family together, and that he is fighting to turn the EA into a friendship.

OMG, I didn't realize that yesterday was the anniversary of the bomb! Thats good though, it means that I have succesfully put it out of my mind, that I am not obsessing or counting the time. Although its been the most difficult year of my life, I think that I have many things to be thankful for. I also have learned so much about myself that I would otherwise not even thought about. Over-all, I would say I am a better person now than I was before.