Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 74 Days - Who Knows?

It is easy if you focus on the fact that you caught OM on toilet 20(?) days ago. Remember that visual?

You should be more focused on what Denver is doing than worrying about "being with her". Your confidence level at this point should be, if she wants to be with me, she will.

Now ask yourself..."What am I doing to make her curious as to what I'm up to?".

Next time she checks in, try not responding for a full 24 hours...can you do that? Even if it feels counter-intuitive...do it. What do you have to lose?

Otherwise, call the the "show" and find out who is going to be there. There are generic/anonymous ways to get information without ever being found out.

No, no way for me to find out. It is a private party. The person putting on the party has no idea which players are scheduled to show up for the band, other than W and the male vocalist. That is left up to the owner of the entertainment company that W works for.

This...

"Your confidence level at this point should be, if she wants to be with me, she will."

Is very true...

Thanks for reminding me of that Faith.

Denver

Good morning Denver...

I think your doing great........I know this has been a long agonizing month.....with lots of ups and downs. Just hang in there..

How the gal'ing going?

Sunny

Not true, but that's your choice. There are plenty of ways to verify whether or not a wayward spouse is still in contact with OP. My point was simply, either do that, or drop it, because the "middle road" of this issue only drives you AND her crazy.

Of the choices:

1. Assume they are telling the truth -- they are no longer in any sort of meaningful contact or relationship with OP;

2. Assume they are NOT telling the truth, and plan accordingly, until they offer to promise no-contact and full transparency;

3. Assume nothing; verify independently what's going on.

. . . only #2 and #3 are wise, and #1 is just naive and foolish, in my opinion.

Everyone says "I have to trust." Um, why? Why do you "have" to trust someone who's already lied to you, doesn't trust have to be re-earned? If they ARE still in a relationship together (or even if the wayward spouse wants to keep that option open, either as a viable "Plan A" or even a fallback "PLan B" in case your changes aren't for real), isn't it reasonable that they would lie to you about it?

All I'm saying is, either find out independently, or DROP IT, because asking the person themself "are you still with him?" is just crazy. And crazy-making.


Starsky

Denver,
I have been following along from afar....

So glad Starsky made this point....

Your W is taking the month of June to make a decision.

She has not committed to anything yet, all she has done is told you that she is not going to see OM........for now.

Until she COMMITS to the Marriage again, trying to verify anything is pointless, looking at her actions, where she going, who she is with, what she is saying is just setting you up for a fall, and is going to make you crazy.

I know you are supposed to re-establish the friendship first, however I would personally want a commitment first. You are spending alot of time "in contact" with her and she is "UNDECIDED" on you guys......

What if she decides she is done.....are you going to continue to do things with her???

You are really available to her while she is un-committed to the M. Why would she commit?? She has all of the benefits of being in a relationship with you with none of the responsibilities.

If she does decide to work on the marriage it is going to be very difficult for you to maintain the "New and Improved Denver" and also properly lay down the boundaries you want.

Trying to go back and introduce or strengthen a boundary after reconciliation has begun is very hard and can really erase many of the positive steps you have made.

IMO, being less available would be better. She is on a trip away from you, not knowing what you are doing and who you are doing it with.........

Right now, she is on a trip and she knows exactly what you are doing........worrying about what she is doing.

The reason this is hard for you is because you have been doing so much with her.....concerts, coffee, out to eat, you over at her place, planning vacations.....no wonder it is hard!!!!!

I remember all too well when I thought that my XW was starting to come around and I would do things with her........it totally tore me up everytime we parted company......not healthy for me.

You want to make this easier on you.........

Stop being around her and limit the contact.........

If she asks why.........tell her.

W, the reason I choose to not be around you or limit contact with you is because you are undecided about our M and it will be more painfull for me if I have contact with you and you choose to end our M.

Simple.

When she DECIDES that she wants to work on the Marriage, then you tell her what you need as far as a boundary.

Until that time she is living her life...........

and you should be living yours.........

Cheers

I am worried about this ^^^ ... I will have to figure it out when and if the time comes.



This is the direction that I may very well have to go if there is a significant step by W to commit to the M at the end of July, beginning of August.

Thanks for the advice MHL.

Denver

I'm going to have to drop it for the now Starsky. But I think that you are right on the 3 options that you point out. And being in the middle is driving me nuts.

Thanks...

Denver

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Very very good advise.....

Denver you know a little bit of my situation......altho there was no OP's involved...My hubby didn't know that. I had a few ole unhappy married men approach me and i wasn't interested. I could have been unfaithful because at the time...I had left the marriage emotionally long ago. I didnt take that road.
Your wife did and if I was 28 again I might of.

Remember she was done......

My hubby didnt call unless it had to do with business. He didn"t ask what I had been doing , OR going, OR who I was with and believe me it was liberating......and guess what ...It made me think....huh....maybe I had better reconnect and see why he wasn't interested... I had a few problems at my Mom's house ...after a big storm and guess who came to help...yep Hubby was there for me when I needed him and not there when I was feeling smothered!! He " once again.....LET ME MISS HIM.....I know your situation where you feel you neglected her and did your own thing.... You cant change the past ...but you can make a brighter future. With or without her.

Please back off...just a little

Work on the NEW denver.

One thing I learned along time ago when I start obsessing on our relationship ( worrying, wondering, ) is to put up this STOP sign in my mind. ( old alanon / AA tool ) I made myself stop and go do something, anything to take my mind off whatever situation I was in.

But...I'm not an A type personality more of a B or C LOL

Thinking of You


Sunny

Long agonizing month? Um yep. Actually November, December, January, April, May and June have ALL been long and very agonizing. I think that I'd be in a straight jacket if I hadn't had somewhat of a reprieve in February and March.

When I first came this site, I read that this is a roller coaster... that is the ABSOLUTE truth. Worst roller coaster I have ever been on for sure.

I'm GALing okay... I usually go out once on the weekends... been working out almost every day... my job, working in the yard and spending time with my dogs takes up the rest of my time.

The problem with all of it is that it all seems so empty... pointless... not sure how to describe my feelings.

It keeps me busy enough though.

Thanks for your words of encouragement Sunny!

Denver

I am a little down today. It is my anniversary. W and I have both stuck to the no contact thing for the past several days. I have not heard from her since she sent a text message to her mom, her sis and me on Thursday evening, and haven't spoken to her since Wednesday night.

My mind has certainly tried to play its tricks on me. I have no evidence that W is doing anything other than what she told me that she was going to do. In fact, pictures on her facebook account seem to confirm everything... of course pictures on FB can never account for every minute of a person's day.

Since last speaking with W, I have been to the gym every day except for Saturday. I went out for drinks with some friends on Saturday night and had a good time. And I've gotten a little work done, which is good.

I have found myself thinking a lot about my hurt in what has happened over the past couple of months. I find that I have a lot of anger towards my W when I really think about it. There have been a couple of times when I've actually thought to myself that I may not be able to ever let that go. Basically, it comes down to be extremely disappointed in my W for not being stronger about being able to be alone and for not taking our S as a time to work on herself as I feel that I have.

I do think that it is necessary for me to be processing this stuff.

I also know that I want to forgive W ... and I still want to have a happy M with her. I know that IF that happens, that, someday, all of the trash from the past 7 months will be nothing but a blip in the story of our lives. This is what I hold on to.

Like I said, today is our anniversary. I'm not sure whether or not I should send W a text or something to at least acknowledge it.

I would appreciate some thoughts on that...

thanks
Denver