The convo with my friend re: MIL just confirms that she/W hasn't seen or felt what she needs from me and that's ok. I'm on my own journey now, and like we see a lot on these boards..letting the WAW go on theirs is a must-it hurts but know I have to let her do that without compromising my self worth anymore. Any additional insight?
I can empathize with you about the ring. Believe me, I never thought I would ever take that thing off in this lifetime. It's like we LBSers all want to wake up from this nightmare. I feel your pain and it does help a bit knowing others really do understand what I'm going through-and we are all miles away, weird..
And maybe not so weird... it's amazing how predictable us humans can be, sometimes...
"Letting" our S go on their own journey is neither a badge of shame, nor a badge of righteousness.
We cannot control what others do. Even when we appear to have that power and believe we have that power.
The plain truth is, if you felt you were compromising your self worth, that might be something to look at more closely.
People certainly can do that. I have certainly done that. Felt that I needed to be the "good husband" and cater to my W's every whim (to some degree).
Even going so far as to stop hanging with very good friends because they were women and my W had (has?) insecurities around that. Or flip flopping between being the stay at home parent (a mutual choice) and being with family, conflicting with my W's demand that I financially contribute to the family.
None of my attempts to do these things fit into the picture (expectations) my W had, so any effort was never good enough.
Be who you are and do what you do.
What you do is not a reflection of whether you are a good person or not. It is simply what you do.
Whereas, who you are is generally reflected in what you do.
So if you truly believe you are worthy, then it will reflect in everything you do.
And that should contribute towards and help you become the person that only a fool would leave.
Respecting yourself comes from more than a ring you wear.
I'm pro moving on and validating her choice, but to make a thread based on taking your ring off is quite sad.
Do you do this as a tactic or do you do this because your done? She left her vows, but you don't have to. I left mine on out of principal. I stood for what I believed in as long as I could. There wasn't a minute I didn't want to chuck that "object" into the ocean. However, I knew I had to stay with my marriage until the bitter end. Didn't stop me from enjoying life. I did question the same things, but in the end, so I could know I did the right thing I kept it on. The minute the $h!t was over...I took it off.
Contradictory to what I post, I still held true to my vows. I did it because a good friend suggested I do...It's just one more thing I needed to know that I came through with limited choices. I came here to save my marriage, but in the end it was myself. I chose my wedding vows until it was over.
What do you want? Temporary relief or to know that you tried?
Taking off the ring was the right choice and opinions vary..I thought I would keep in on, but realized I have the right to change my mind it was for me not her. For me, it's another way of letting w go moving on with my journey. My focus in on myself and the kids. And, with everything on the table, going dark is the order for now.
Faith, I really surprised myself by taking it off-never imagined I would. They say the best way to heal my marriage is to GAL for me and imagine and live life as if w is not in the picture, who knows, man. It still [censored].
KD- Thanks for sharing. Your comment about flip-flopping stay at home parent happened to us, too. OMG, a few yrs. ago we decided to switch and to have me more at home because my schedule was more flexible and w's job was more stable as a teacher with great benefits..mutual decision.
When we were still in mc, w says, "It's time for you to start contributing to the family." WTF, this is coming from someone who use to praise me for how involved with the kids I am and that "the kids will always remember their daddy was there." So, she now uses her request against me?? W also said "I think you resent me for making more money than you." Again, untrue I always would boast of her accomplishments and her biggest fan. Use to make triple her salary. It was AGREED for me to supplement income intil all the kids wre in school, then ramp up again, grrr.
Have no idea who w has become since March. When i surrendered my heart completely after "really hearing" her, she said I gave you my heart for years, now I need to think differently..and boy has she. WAW syndrome is NOT pretty. And, through it, I love her through it all. So tragic for our kids. She said they will be fine..bull!@#$
Yes, I heard the same thing regarding being connected to the kids. I never gloated that I was always there with the kids, whether at home or events, or whatever.
My W has blocked or re-written history regarding all the financial that I DID contribute to the family. Everything I earned (as profit) went back to the family, to pay bills, etc. She contributed to mortgage and social costs, I paid pretty much everything else for most of that time. She has told me many times in the past year that I contributed little to nothing. *sigh*
That's neither here nor there. If that's what she wants to believe, I can't change her mind. Even if I showed her all the receipts.
My W also said the kids will be fine... Not based on results of the last eight months. They are not fine and the last episode with D8, she finally agreed that the kids might need counseling. She has a plan that would cover that. That was 2 months ago. The kids are still not in counseling.
So. Having said that...
Where are you at? What's your game plan now? What are you going to work on, for you?
Man KP, just soo similar and relate completely. Where I'm at now is dark/dim. I say dim because it's just very difficult to be completely dark, which would be nice, but can't/won't be dark with the kids. See them 3+ times per week and still hurts seeing that I was around more than wife for them before the sep.
So, I struggle with that a lot. Really do want us back but not when she's under this spell, ya know? Sandi on here, indicated on another thread of mine that WAW is on a mission and I will get rolled over if continuing to plead my case, etc..all the mistakes we LBS folks make before attempting to go dark.
W just has all this momentum going the other way..new house, bank acct, the list goes on and on. Next week is our first court appearance (pre-trial). I really can't think of anything but to focus on me and the kids is the game plan now and to keep surrendering to my higher power for guidance and intercession.
Letting her go..so hard. Like many on here feel-letting go may just push her farther. Too soon to tell but feel the clock ticking as D is filed. I have been GAL more: out to wedding's as "the hot cousin who's going through a divorce" is how they introduced me last week, lol. Also, hittin' the gym again, walks, looking for more work, 180's, looking my best, and trying to be as cordial possible when in brief presence with w. Just saw her today at D1 orthodontist consult and took all the kids afterward for a few hours. W just looks smokin' hot right now, it's killing me!! Dam!@ it's killing me.....
Even though, I have made "the shift" I am human and do miss her and our family. I keep disecting the sitch and wonder what is this all trying to tell/teach me? What do I do with this? I know it's all for a reason and I have read-"you can't really begin to live until your life is shattered"...well?? Do you believe in miracles?
Need your perspectives, people. Next Tuesday, is our first court appearance (pretrial)which is usually, from what I'm told, short and not a whole lot gets accomplished. My question is, Since I am dim/dark right now, should I actually validate my w's "want" for D by encouraging it? As most can attest, LBS do not want the divorce and she knows this. Thoughts?
Regarding dark w/ kids... I thought so, too... then about a month or so ago, I came across something on the board that actually showed that you really can be dark, even w/ kids... That's where I am, right now.
In fact, it would be pretty much the same as a court ordered parental n/c in a high conflict D. Pick ups and drop offs by third party. Visit scheduled through a third party (and/or there's an online calendar for this type of thing)
Anyhow, just putting it out there. It's up to you how dark you want to be... what's the value for you vs. trying to "teach her a lesson"?
As far as letting them go, I'm not really a good benchmark. Not sure how clear I've been on my sitch about how OK I really am if we get D.
Now understand that I am going to DB to the very end, because I believe in M and I am committed to it and I can't lie, I do love my W. So I will be DBing the mediation and DBing the D.
What that means is, I neither help out with the process, nor do I resist the process. Rather than put stuff out there, initiating the process, I only respond. And when time frames are set, I respond only by deadlines.
Makes sense, yes. Especially, not initiating or resisting the D. Not sure I want do do the third party with the kids. They are going on vacation after the fourth for two weeks w/o me of course. So that space will be good for me...but will miss the kids terribly.
The week after they get back, the kids have all sorts of camps sports,etc during the day. In the past, I would always help or take the lead with those activities. I need to be unavailable..w really needs to understand what it will be like to be a single mother of 4. Just wait 'til he school year starts without me. Again, I took the lead there, too. When the in laws leave in the fall, W may have a rude awakening.
I know this may sound spiteful, just want w to realize there are consequences for being a WAW. She's been really insulated from reality by parents and coworkers. As I was kicked out on the street to fend for myself. Seems wrong..
Sorry for the ramblig...journaling/venting. Stay dark, keep GALing, stay positive and grateful for what I do have..
