I do feel helpless in this situation sometimes. I know it is not good. My father left my mother and us 4 kids when we were all very young for other woman, there was domestic violence that i witnessed too. My mother became a drinker and there were times we had no heat, electric and food because my father didnt send the money, his step kids were more important. before this we lived a very comfortable upper middle class life. My mother had to sell the house and i was such a nervous person because of the instability growing up, i was unable to work. thats when i met my husband, he was like my knight in shining armor. I know others have had worse situations. I dont know why i feel like a victim like my mother. i wish she had been a strong role model. Thats why im terrified of divorce and am hanging on to my m for my dear life.
I do feel helpless in this situation sometimes. I know it is not good. My father left my mother and us 4 kids when we were all very young for other woman, there was domestic violence that i witnessed too. My mother became a drinker and there were times we had no heat, electric and food because my father didnt send the money, his step kids were more important. before this we lived a very comfortable upper middle class life. You see the pattern then? But do you see how YOU can break this cycle? It's not fate. This isn't a book written by someone else that you are merely a character in. This is your life and you are the author of it.
Yes, it seems you have "written" things to play out as if you are your mother. You are retreating and curling up in the fetal position playing helpless ---which is a form of what your mother did.
So, do your life differently. Start now b/c it's already half over. Your h was not "the answer". What if he had died? Would your life end?
My mother had to sell the house and i was such a nervous person because of the instability growing up, i was unable to work.
I don't know what that means. I had an alcoholic dad who raged every night and I'm one of 9 kids. We never had one on one attention. Dinner time was a nightmare. All of my siblings and I put ourselves through college, and I put myself through law school as well, as did 4 of my siblings.
You are able to work now, right? You sound educated. You will be required to work in some capacity unless your h is quite wealthy and even then, alimony isn't given in all states. I don't recall how long your m is, and I don't know where you live or what he does for a living. We know he's not great with his cash flow...
thats when i met my husband, he was like my knight in shining armor. Did you go to school while married? Did you work outside the home? Did you revolve around him?
See, it's important that you bring something to the table other than needs, do you know what I mean?
I know others have had worse situations. I dont know why i feel like a victim like my mother. i wish she had been a strong role model. Thats why im terrified of divorce and am hanging on to my m for my dear life.
You are talking like a victim in that you are suggesting you have no choice in this and you DO. You can't say you wish you had a strong role model for a mom at your age. Come on.
I didn't have a strong role model in my mom either. She was a doormat who spoke broken English, (she's French) and she was a victim of violence too.
So I looked around and I found a role model I was comfortable with & could relate to. First I saw women on TV who seemed strong and feminine, then I admired my teacher, or my coach, or my older sister. I met my aunt and she became my main role model but I had role models for different dimesnions of my life. I had a "wife role model, a mother role model, a lawyer role model, etc.
We create our lives. Let me emphasize that b/c it's important. WE CREATE OUR LIVES...
and at some point we can no longer assign responsiblility for how we are, on anyone but ourselves. That time has long passed for both of us.
Free your mother from the responsibility of the choices you've made.
Own the choices you made, and change the choices you make today so that you have a better today and a bright tomorrow. As I said many times to you before,
take charge of your life and if that's NOT manageable, get help to do that.
Do you see how being this way is not attractive to your h? I'm not bashing you. I am trying to motivate you to GET A LIFE & protect your son/your interests, whatever that takes.
The way it is now, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or to have the electricity turned off, or the heat, etc. Break the cycle.
[b]Live by the title of this thread and move forward!!! [/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What the heck are you doing looking up the OW for? You are going back and remaining obsessive...almost stalkerish towards your H. When were you going to change your life? Did you read any of what others posted to you on here?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
you are not moving forward...you are walking in place
you are so obviously spending your life WAITING and waiting and for what??
What are you waiting for?
He is not coming back to a woman who casts stones at OW for 'living in sin" (as if your H isn't...she's not married HE IS)
and brings nothing to the table.
Rys, you deserve more in life than what you are getting
but you are not putting forth effort.
It's okay to need medication. It's okay to get help. It's NOT okay to sit and wait and
simply HOPE your son's education is taken care of and that your marital assets will
still be there when you can no longer work.
How are you surviving financially?
I'd be so worried if I had to depend on a man sending me a check, when that same man
is living with OW and hasn't paid taxes and asks about your life insurance
and son's college fund....
how can you do nothing?
except for not drinking, you are doing what your mother did when her h left
she may have passed on some bad habits to you
but what you are you passing onto your son?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
ow is married. h put son on payroll and has been paying me eveery wk just 1 wk was delayed. h gives me $ for any extra expenses too. i know he really wants our son to go to college and is willing to pay for it. son goes to work with him m-f and then they go to the gym andd go out to dinner often after that and never take ow with them even on fri.. i gp to rejoice minstries web site and i believe in miracles for marriage. there are hundreds of stories of m being restored on there after yrs of d and separation. It is the evil one making h do what he is doing not h. Your faith may be different from mine. but i believe in miracles.
I read often, but I haven't been posting lately. I have extemely little time, but I care about you.
I so believe in miracles, and I experience them all throughout my life.
What God NEVER does is get in the way of someone's free will. Your husband and this woman will ALWAYS have free choice.
The second thing I learned about miracles--you have to get out of the way of God. And you aren't doing that. You're in the way. I've done the same thing, and I recognize it.
DB is one of your miracles here. Your DB coach. Your DB friends. MOST of the advice you have been given is encouraging, and showing you how to go about this.
Posting and praying only don't do it. They just don't. You aren't DBing and you tell God....I want you to do this and I want you to do this MY way. THEY are the sinners, and I want you to turn it around.
Ask God to soften YOUR heart. To show YOU how to extend HIS mercy. And I promise you HE has already answered this. Bond et al....have really been God's messengers to you.
We like you, we care about you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You are refusing to change anything about yourself and you are stubbornly standing still
and calling that "Standing for m"...
They are NOT the same...
You hide behind your faith to justify staying paralyzed.
and
I'm calling you on that.
You are not willing to change, yet you challenge anyone who calls you on it.
IT may be Satan who is influencing your h
but I don't see love coming from you
I see fear and need
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
why'd you even call this thread "Courage to move forward"
when you are not moving anywhere?
You are waiting for your miracle, and being exactly the same as you were before he left...
which does NOT motivate your h to return.
He gets to be a dad to his son, doesn't have to divide assets the way a divorce would
and I suppose OW doesn't give up anything either b/c she gets the benefits of being married
AND having her lover, (your legal h), with her...sounds like a win win for them.
And you are doing nothing to change that.
So, do you think God owes you a miracle?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
