Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

Thanks for stopping by Red. I have a few comments, but I've left them on your thread.

Things continue to be completely topsy turvy here at home. As frustrating as it is, H continues to not be sure about what he’s doing. After our talk, he said he would try to make this work and I was good to start putting stuff away. I did so for a bit, but then kind of hit a roadblock where I needed him to make some room in his office. We have so much additional furniture (and not much additional room) that moving things around is kind of like that slider puzzle game where you’re trying to make a picture and you have to slide the square pieces all over the place to get everything in its rightful place. Unfortunately, H hasn’t really done much to help in any way.

Several times, he’s not spent the night at the house. I never ask where he goes and he always comes back in a decent mood, but it’s hard to deal with. Last week, I worked a lot. One day, I came home very late as planned. I texted H to let him know I was on my way. He texted me back that (despite it being past 8pm when I’d get home) that he hadn’t really figured anything out for dinner. I don’t expect him to make dinner, but at least a recommendation that I pick up something or that he’d pick up something would be nice. Anyhow, I chalked it up to MLC and just said OK. When I got home, I was exhausted and HAD to take a short nap. I had almost fallen asleep on the drive home. H took the opportunity and took a nap also. My nap was short (about 20 minutes) after which I got up and figured out what to fix for dinner. The kitchen was a disaster. The trash was full so stuff was left on the counter instead of the trash. Dishes were in the sink, stuff was strewn about the house, and not a single thing had been put away all day. And H and D were home all day. Something in me just snapped. I was pissed. EVERY damn thing that was in H’s house that HAS been put away has thus far been put away by ME. The only exception is the stuff on his desk such as his computer and such because that’s his work area. He had a HUGE pile of his clothes on the floor by the bed. D had a mess in her room. It was just ridiculous. I made a quick dinner for D and I as H continued to take an extended nap. Then I got to picking up the house and chided D for her part in the disaster. When H woke, I told him I didn’t want to speak with him because I was pissed. He asked about what. I started in about the house but kind of broke down in tears as I did so. H then made an excuse about needing to get his prescriptions filled and left the house and slammed the door. I knew he wouldn’t be back and I was right.

He remained no contact until about 3pm the next day when he texted me to let me know he was alive. I thanked him for letting me know. Later that evening, he came back and we went out to dinner. He apologized again for being flaky. He said he was pissed off with being so broken. I can do nothing but be supportive although its damn tough to deal with the consequences of his broken-ness.

One day he’ll talk about the future with him in the house. The next, he’ll be telling me he thinks he needs to leave. In fact, he told me just a few days ago with some definitiveness that he needed to go. I told him to do so ASAP. He asked why ASAP. I said, why wait? Right now, all his stuff is still all over the house. Like I said, I’ve put some stuff away, but quite frankly, I don’t feel comfortable putting the remainder away. I almost feel like I’m wasting my time and potentially making him feel more trapped. And to be clear, he doesn’t say he needs to leave because he doesn’t like being with D and I. He just gets major anxiety issues and then feels like he needs a place to escape to.

So this is where I’m at. La la land. Yesterday H made a great Memorial Day meal. This morning, he told me he updated his blog. In it, he went on at length about how he thinks he probably should go. He seems to be stuck with this idea that being on his own gives him freedom. Clearly, he doesn’t (and perhaps never has) felt at home AT HOME. I’m not sure why and I think it would do him well to discuss that with a counselor. Unfortunately, despite telling me for 2 weeks he’d make another counselor appt, he still hasn’t done so.

I can honestly say I think this may be harder than any other part of this whole process. Nothing can match the pain of the “bomb” or the heartbreak about learning about the OW. But at least I could fall back and lean on myself. At least I had some freedom from his MLC nonsense. Now, I have to deal with H’s MLC issues almost all the time and I still have no more confidence in my future than I did back then. I really don’t know what the right thing to do is. I go back in forth in my own mind. Some days I KNOW I need to tell him to just go. Other days I think perhaps he just needs time to re-integrate. Other days I think I deserve better. Other days I think he’s worth waiting for. Other days, I wonder if I’m wasting my time. This probably sounds familiar to most everyone on this board. Having them home with you doesn’t really change much of that. I’ve never been less sure of what to do than now.

Wow, I'm speechless, reading this. So your husband just comes and goes as he pleases, trashes your house, and then you thank him for letting you know he's OK and everything's hunky-dory (you go out to dinner together) again until next time?

What is your daughter learning from all of this?


Starsky

Starsky,

I know there is and has been a whole debate on this topic.

Not sure if you actually have the DR book. If you do, what Albuquerque is doing is in: The Surviving His Mid-Life Crisis section of the book. Specifically: Don't ask Questions or Make Demands on page 259.

It helps if you believe in that whole fluffy bunny MLC thing though. ; )

Yes, I have read the book. I don't think that's what MWD is referring to. Asking questions would be "Where did you go? Who did you see? Did you see OW?" Making demands would be "I forbid you to see OW," etc.

It's perfectly OK -- and healthy! -- for Alb. to say to her husband "Look, you're a grown man, and I'm not going to ask you where you're going, but this is NOT a hotel, and if you insist on coming and going as you please, and disrespecting my home this way, then you'll have to find somewhere else to stay."

That, sir, is a BOUNDARY.


Starsky

Jack,

I don't own DR -- just borrowed and read it a couple of years ago. Is "Don't ask questions or make demands" specific to any stage of MLC? Seems to me that it's good advice in the beginning, and when they've left, and while they're gone, but when they come back, or try to? I seem to recall that boundaries are important then. And boundaries do require demands of a sort.

FTR, I do believe in the whole fluffy bunny MLC thing. Now.

Hi, I think that having them in MLC in the house is very very tough. I would also say that the advice in the resource threads that those who return before they are ready almost always run again may be true.

As you know MLC takes a long long time to work through, and your h will likely be behaving badly for some time to come. Recognising this is important. It is always about what we can actually deal with. All very well saying detach, but much easier to do at a distance, imo than when they are in your house, behaving like an additional child. Very hard on you. He may well run again anyway, or he may not, There are no guarantees.

The only advice I could offer would be to go on living your life as if he may go again, without fearing it, but accepting that he is with you and a part of him wants to be. Not sure I could do it though!!

How much of the alien is still there - is he still dead eyes, and untouchable? If so I would say full MLC, but if you can hug him and look him in the eyes most of the time, he may be coming out of the tunnel in his own peculiar way.

Thanks everyone for their thoughts/comments. I've made some responses/thoughts below.



Starsky, I totally get what you're saying. But when in a bad mood, things tend to be written with a negative tone. It's not quite how you've stated.

First, I wouldn't say he comes and goes as he pleases. He's always had anxiety issues more in the evenings. Prior to him moving back, he would still stay at the house overnight sometimes. But then other times, I could see the anxiety and knew he needed to go. This has not changed. This was discussed prior to his moving back. We agreed that if he didn't have his own place, he might still need to decompress somewhere and a hotel would fit the bill. I don't like it, but it was an agreement I made and I stand by it. To hold it against him would be wrong.

Second, the comment "trashes your house" was a bit excessive. Again, I wrote with frustration. The house was a mess when I came home but it was a mess both D and H (and even to some extent me) made. I was more frustrated that although I worked all day and they stayed home, no one bothered to clean up. This is a frustration wives often have every day. The fact that there is still a lot of excess furniture around made it worse.



Good question. I'm not sure. When H left and was gone all day the next day, she never asked me where he was. We went on with our day. When he DID return, she DID ask him where he was all day. He responded by telling her he was "being crazy". He has been very open with her about his mental issues (both anxiety and depression). Part of my struggle is making sure I'm being a good role model for her.



We will have to agree to disagree on this one Starsky. I have jumped to no conclusions about where he's gone. But in one of his recent blog posts, he's mentioned that he's done a lot of driving around aimlessly, spending overnight hours at a Village Inn, and sleeping at a nearby hotel. You seem to take his leaving as suspicious behavior which demands explanation. I see it as a needed respite from the difficulties he's going through. And one of the things he's struggling with is feeling like he's not in control of his own life. The minute I start making "demands", the quicker he'll decide this isn't worth it. And when it comes down to it, I don't want to make "demands". If I have to make "demands" in order for him to not see OW then his heart isn't really in it. And for the record, I don't think x-OW has anything to do with this (although I fully realize that could be seen as being naive on my part)


Again, perhaps having the whole story would help. This was a mutually agreed upon solution prior to his moving back. You may argue it was not a wise agreement, but I stand by my decision.



I agree boundaries are important. But I think it's important to make them YOUR boundaries and not HIS boundaries. For example, earlier this year, H kept coming over to the house in the middle of the night while drunk. This bothered me a lot. Rather than "forbid" him to do that anymore, I told him that if he DID do that again, I'd be sleeping on the couch. That was my boundary. He was free to do as he wished. Once I made that statement, he never did it again. We cannot (and should not) control them. We can only control ourselves. But by standing up for ourselves, the actions often change.



That is a very good question. When H is not having anxiety attacks, he's like normal H. He's very affectionate, loves on the animals, spends quality time with D, enjoys cooking, works on tasks in the house, send me goofy texts while I'm at work etc. When he has the attacks however, he becomes very confused and this is frustrating him greatly. He told me recently (after being away overnight) that he's getting so pissed off at not being in control of his brain.

I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. You have made me think. I agree the boundary issue is important. I think what I'm struggling with is figuring out what my boundaries actually are. H continues to move forward as if he plans to stay. I think one of my boundaries will be that *I* will not be the one to move his furniture back in. It bugs me. Yes. But he will have to be the one to reincorporate himself back into the house. Not me. We'll see how it goes.

Alb,

Boundaries are not just for our OWN behavior. A boundary, by definition, is a line of demarcation between someone else's behavior and ourselves, that -- if crossed -- carries consequences. "If you come home drunk again, I will ask you to leave" would be a more appropriate boundary than " . . . then I will sleep on the couch"; why should you inconvenience YOURSELF, based upon HIS poor behavior?

Also, there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about a previous agreement, if you decide it's not healthy for you. "I realize that was our agreement, but I have decided that this is no longer working for me and D" is all you need to say.

You seem to make a lot of excuses for your husband's poor behavior.

Starsky

Starsky,

I'm sure you didn't mean it in the way you stated, but asking someone who just drove over drunk to leave, is quite counter intuitive. My point, which you may disagree with, is that we only have control over ourselves. Asking him to leave is great. But I can't enforce that. I can't MAKE him leave if he chooses not to. And it can elevate an already tense situation. I CAN however, choose where I sleep. No, it's not fair. Yes it would inconvenience me. But it would make my point. But this is getting slightly off topic since the point of my bringing that up was that I never HAD to go to that level because the threat of MY actions was enough to prevent recurrence of that bad behavior.



I admit this kind of made me laugh. MLC is the very definition of poor behavior. I certainly don't excuse it. But I don't fight against it either. It is pointless. That is the point of these boards. I work with it as best I can. My H has to muddle through it on his own. I have the choice to leave at any point, as does he. You may not feel OK in a similar situation. But I continue to be OK with my decisions while also knowing that there are no guarantees.

As for the situation, it seems to be slowly improving. H continues to have anxiety issues, primarily in the evenings. However, he's been fighting it more and more. The amount seems to have decreased over the last few weeks. In fact, H told me the other day that he really felt a lot better and he went many days without any issues. In fact, when he DID have an anxiety attack a few days ago, he was noticeably disappointed. I told him he shouldn’t expect automatic healing. It’ll take time.

He's managed to explain the source of his confusion to me a bit better. When he was on his own, he had to make decisions on his own. He admits he was very bad about that for quite some time and it took him 4-5 months before he even bought plates. But when he did so, he KNEW they were his decision. Our issue through our marriage is that he's been an accommodator. He dislikes making people unhappy and always tried to do what he thought I wanted. He did this without paying attention to himself and it resulted in long term unhappiness and resentment. Now that he’s at home again, he fights with himself to figure out whether he’s making a decision in order to make me happy or because it’s what he wants. To boil it down, he’s still not completely sure of who he is. That will just take time and I’ve let him be.

When he’s not having an anxiety attack, things are going very well. He’s super affectionate and we enjoy our time together. I’ve been slightly pushing him in some areas where he knows he needs prodding. One issue is his tendency to work too much. One evening, I was going to take D to a local amusement park. He said he wasn’t going to be able to go. Although disappointed, I still packed up and got ready to go. As we were leaving, I told him we’d miss him but we were leaving. I guess he’d thought about it and changed his mind and went. We ended up having a really good time.

Just this weekend, I gave him a surprise tandem hangliding gift for Father’s Day. He seemed super stoked about it and posted video and pics on his FB. I was touched that he thanked me and D on FB. It’s been a long time since he’s mentioned me on his FB. Almost makes me wish he WAS still FB friends with x-OW!

I’m working on focusing on the stuff that’s important to me although I’m also trying to balance that with the need (and desire) to be with my family. I haven’t been training for my triathlons nearly as much as I should. My work schedule is more of an issue than family. But the few free days I have, I don’t feel like leaving them to go off and train. It was nice that H has recently been trying to go running with me. He’s not in very good shape so I ended up leaving him behind, but it was fun while it lasted. And although my patience has been tested MANY times, I’ve managed to keep things pretty calm mentally. The few times that he has to spend the night away, I always welcome him back with a good mood and a hug. I think he’d feel his anxiety issues were more warranted if he came back to a crabby wife. But more importantly, I really am not upset when he comes back. I know that I usually had a fairly good night’s sleep and know that he didn’t. I feel bad for him but am glad that these episodes seem to be waning.

The house is still not put together but it’s better than it was. He reorganized his office and bought me a desk so that I can work along side him. The plan is to convert my present office and maybe install a pole in the room so I can practice my pole dancing at home!! Woot! I’m excited about that. Still doing my pole dancing classes and still loving them. Ladies, if you need to find something to GAL and get in shape, definitely look for pole classes.

I haven’t been on these boards in awhile. Partly due to work and partly due to the fact that with H at home, it’s a little trickier to do. So that’s why it’s been so long since I’ve posted. But please know I do still read and catch up on people’s threads when I can. If I can offer words of wisdom to any newbies to these thread it would be to learn REAL patience, and focus on YOURSELF. I can never say for sure whether my H would have waken up had I not made the changes I made, but I CAN say that his moving back would have been disastrous had I not developed the patience and ability to detach that I gained a year ago.

As always, I continue to take things one day at a time....

Hi Al, Im so glad that things are going well for you and your family. Going by your sitch I can see that even once you do reconcile it is still a long journey. And lots of patience is required.

You are doing so well and are an inspiration. Keep up the great work and please keep us posted. Love hearing from you.