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I have a large life insurance policy and another small one through our group plan at work. Today, I changed the beneficiary on the small one from STBX to my D19. I also contacted our rep for the large plan and asked for those forms to be emailed to me. Hopefully, I will get those tomorrow and get that done as well.

There is no way that piece of human garbage OM is going to get one cent and STBX shouldn't get anything either.

I am also making plans to submit financial details of divorce to STBX. It's been over a week since she asked me to buy her out of the house, and I have not heard anything about it again. STBX will need to move the process of divorce forward, not me, so I will not submit anything until she asks again. Even then, I will be in no rush. But...I will not buy her out unless the divorce is finalized. I hope that makes sense.

Well...where to start? This could be a long one.

Last night S17 texted me to pick him up from work. When I did I asked if his sister was working late, since she usually brings him home on Friday nights. He said he didn't want to come home with her. They had been arguing. He told me he doesn't want to live with she and I anymore and not just because of her. He said "you are always going through moods". I guess I still don't hide my pain well.

The 3 of us talked when she came and home and it just became an argument between them. Again, he said he doesn't want to live here. I talked with D19 after he went in his room and made it clear he was done talking. I said to her that she and I need to know what he intends to do, because I would not be buying out STBX if he isn't going to live with us, partly because STBX would definitely no longer pay me support (rightly so) if we each have one kid with us. That led to awkward talk about STBX and OM living together etc.

So...I called STBX to tell her about their argument, but mostly about S17's desire to not live here and how that will affect everything. I think we were on the phone for over 2 hours. A lot of that time was spent discussing our M, our separation, her relationship with OM and just about everything. There was a lot of crying on both sides. She still claims that she and OM had never had sex until "about 6 months ago". I openly admitted that I thought they had sex years ago and continued to throughout our marriage.

She agrees that our kids are feeling our pain and anger and even that it could be a legacy for our grandchildren. We also agreed that D19 had chosen "my side" and S17 has chosen hers, even though neither of us created that. I guess it just happens in divorce.

Again she said "I don't want to be married to you", but also said she knows we are meant to be together. I admitted that the breakdown of our marriage started with my treatment of her and she admitted that she actually ended it by leaving and then by starting a relationship with OM/Boss.

I could go on for pages. I think some good came out of it. Not good to save our marriage, but good to clear the air. I ended it by asking her to speak to S17 today and then call me. I was planning on us divorcing by September, me buying her out of the house, both kids staying with me and her paying me $1000 per month support. We had all but agreed to that and next step would have been to talk with my bank manager and then put it all on paper.

Now...I have no idea what is going to happen. I barely slept and now I am off to work. Some days I wonder how much more all of us can take.

Sorry to hear that BTM. Her line about not wanting to married but that you two belong together makes no sense.


But again, the same old must be said. Drop the rope dude. Move on and see if you cant find somebody down the road that will make you happy and wants to be with you. You are lucky in the sense that your children are older. That has to make it a little easier.

Take BTM, but honestly man, its overtime to drop the rope.

It is better to have stayed too long than given up too early but there has to be a limit on that.

9

Last nights covnersation wasn't about trying to save anything. It was more of a relationship autopsy. I was doing mcuh better dropping the rope the last few days and preparing for divorce. It seems like every time I think I have things figured out, something changes. The worst part of last night was S17 saying he doesn't want to live with D19 and I. That makes me so sad. I hate knowing he is unhappy. It also affects all the logistics and legalities. The bottom line - I think it's impossible to break up a family and have things go well. Yes, you can make it the best possible, but sometimes the best possible is still pretty crappy.

Her line about not wanting to be married, but belonging together atually does make sense to me. We had something very special - a bond unlike most others. We do belong together, but that doesn't mean she wants to be together. She was simply admitting that she knows the way "it should be", even though it can't be.

Lots to get out of my brain...

I texted STBX today to check on her after last nights talk. She texted that she can't do this anymore, that all our conversations are long emotional ones. I agreed and actually suggested that we stick to email, text or BBM and only about kids,logistics, legal or financial. She agreed. Now, I need to honor my commitment.

More importantly, I have been looking at things from her perspective today. After last night, I believe that she and OM really didn't have sex and/or start a relationship until this year. That means something, because it means that even after one year of separation, she hadn't given up and was still working on saving us to some extent. I was so occupied with my efforts, I didn't even give her credit.

The biggest thing that came out of last night's talk is something I have forced to the back of my memory. I am warning all that what I am about to say is very graphic and upsetting. You may want to stop reading now.



Many of you were not even here when I returned almost 2 years ago, so you don't know of a horrendous thing I did to my wife that was the final straw for her and the ultimate end of our marriage. Up until today I had not admitted anywhere but here in my original thread from August 09 and in my counselors office. Today I told two friends.

One night more than 2 years ago now, I came home from work and my wife was naked in our bed. She was suffering from a lupus/arthritis flare and had taken pain killers and sleeping pills. She was essentially comatose. Again, you may want to stop reading. I won't go into full details here, but the bottom line is that I sexually assaulted my wife while she was passed out. There was no penile penetration, but it was very rough and lasted for quite some time. It was horrendous and is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I could still be in jail right now. I thought she slept right through it, but she didn't. A couple months later she told the truth during an argument and that day - August 26 2009 - our marriage really began to unravel.

I have never dealt with my guilt and shame for what I did. I violated the woman I claim to love more than any woman in the world. I destroyed the woman I am supposed to protect. It has stopped me from making all the changes I want. I managed to allow myself to not see how that moment affected everything in our life since. That horrible event is the one reason my wife could never fully let me back into her life even though we dated etc after she moved out.

I could go on for pages about it, but the bottom line is that I have decided I need to tell our kids about it to some extent in order for them to understand what happened between their Mom and Dad. They need to know that I was the bad guy. They need to know why she couldn't feel safe with me and couldn't come home.

I won't tell them enough to hate me or to embarrass their Mom, but they deserve the truth. It will also help them to understand why I still have so many bad days. The guilt consumes me.

I have been wrong about so many things for so long. I finally need to start doing what is right for my kids,myself and STBX. We all need to heal and it starts with me being more honest with myself and with them.

It is 100% too late to save my marriage, but not too late to save the people I care about the most in the world.

BTM,
*before* you tell your kids about what you did, be very VERY clear to yourself what you expect to accomplish by doing so.

My guess is that it's guilt that prompts you to tell them. Guilt is one thing, but always remember that you can't put the genie back in the bottle. What they know they cannot unknow.

PLEASE talk to an IC or someone before you do this.

Realistically, don't tell them. And get help so that you can forgive yourself someday. IMO, it would be a huge mistake to bring it up with them.

Wow. Nothing good will come of that. This will just make everything much harder on your kids.

Your wife has secrets too. You have been on this site for 6 years, you can be sure that she has been in an affair for at least that long. SHe moved out and went to OM and you believe her that she didnt have sex with him? Hard to believe. You mentioned that you cut off contact with your family essentially so that your kids wont hear about their mom's inappropriate relationship with OM from, what, 8 years ago? Why do you feel the need to throw yourself under the bus yet go to such lengths to protect their mom?

Well....I told them before I read anyone's responses. They already knew - pretty much. D19 said she knew something had happened and quite a while ago asked STBX. She wouldn't tell D19, but she guessed and STBX didn't say no. We talked about how that made D19 feel about me and the bottom line is - it's good for it to be out in the open. It's almost like she was carrying my secret.

S17 said "I think I kinda new that already". He is very closed off and tough to read. But, I think it's good for him and D19 to know how truly sorry I am for it and that I am not an animal.

I will focus on forgiving myself for that awful thing at my next IC session. I will also be able to work on that on my own, now that I have admitted it. One of the friends I told asked me if I am sure that our marriage was strong enough to last forever if I hadn't done it. I can't say 100% yes. That gives me some relief.

We talked about the relationship between the 3 of us and if S17 is willing to still live with D19 and I. He basically said he has no choice really, because he would love to live with his Mom, but not with her and OM/Boss. Then he let it slip that they are planning on buying a house together. I kinda expected that since she wants me to buy her out of the house so much. I also simply knew it was the next step in their relationship. So...that hurts somewhat, but like everything else, I will get over it.

There is almost nothing left for me to have to accept. It's now down to signing the documents and knowing that they are actually living together and working together and basically spending every moment together.

I still want STBX to know how much regret I feel for that horrible night and for not being the husband I should have been when she was sick with arthritis, lupus, brain tumor, on set of cervical cancer. So...one day I will write her a letter and give it to her. It will be cathartic for me, but also, hopefully maker her understand that I really did care and am truly sorry.

Just before I woke up this morning, I had a sexual dream about STBX. That hasn't happened in a long time. It was so real and made me so sad. Sundays are always tough for me, because that used to be the day the family had together. I told the kids last night that I want to focus more on the 3 of us being a family and making things better at home. I have been so consumed by my pain and anger that I have not done a great job of being a dad.

Within a couple of months our divorce will be done and STBX will be living with OM. All the years I have been here I never believed this is how it would end. I always thought it was going to work out. Even as things continued to progress towards divorce, I never gave up all hope. I am now making myself do that and accepting reality.

This forum has been a saving grace to me. So many strangers supported me and gave me advice. I am truly thankful for those of you who cared and feel for every one of you going through this terrible thing.

I went for a walk after I posted earlier today. I wound up talking to a neighbor for quite a while. We aren't even very close. But when he asked me how things are going, I just couldn't stop. He is a very religious man and really listened and provided guidance.

He says the same thing the two friends I told about the horrible incident say. All of them think I should write STBX a letter letting her know the level of remorse and guilt I feel for that night and for never being supportive of her during her illnesses or protecting her from my family. I see things so differently now that I ever have. I realize the pain she was in and how even after she moved out she was actually working on our marriage. The first time she invited me to the safety of her apartment took more love, courage and faith then everything I have come combined.


I have been thinking about something STBX said the other day during our more than 2 hour talk. She said "I never left you".
Is there even a hint of hope in those words?

I would appreciate some feedback on the letter. Admittedly, it is also my one last hope of having her reconsider. I hope I have not lost the support of other posters after my admission yesterday, but I can understand if people no longer feel I deserve help.