Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives When does the anxiety end

The work thing really surprised me. I figured I would just throw myself into my work with all the extra time.

Instead, I spent much of 2009 wandering aimlessly downtown, working at about 50 percent efficiency. I think I'm back to about 80 percent. Part of that is still down times slow me down and now I'm working three other jobs and that robs me of some energy.

Luckily for me, I was a pretty good worker before and 50 percent for me just brought me back to the crowd.

Being in sales, you probably don't have that luxury.

This is so tough. No one understands unless they go through it. I had a friend who was a pretty good reporter. When I got to this paper, we had an opening and I recommended him and he got hired.

In the interim though, his college sweetheart broke off their engagement. He's not the best looking guy and she was pretty cute and he just never recovered. At least not in time. He was late all the time. His stories were a jumbled mess. When people tried to help he'd point fingers saying this person was late too or that person's story wasn't very good.

He never looked at himself and we fired him and I couldn't defend it.

not good. Well I have do have a fair amount of time as well. Too much time. Lets just say I peaked early and will not be going any higher unless i move. Which can't happen with the divorce. I am not going to move away from my 3 boys.. I am bored with the job, but can't do much about it. We are having one of our better years as well. But I like you have been only giving 50-60%. Well I need to ratchet it up, because I cannot afford to lose my job now...

But I am alone Tues thru Friday. I have the boys sat, sun, mon.

I tried dating as soon as the w moved out. I ran to match.com, found my gal, thought I was in love. Talked about moving in to my house with her 4 kids. Had all the plans. After 10 months, insomnia comes back full force. I figured out I wasn't in love. I don't do well with indecison, lack of some control... I hurt her really bad when I ended it. Never hurt anybody before. It felt like a second divorce. It was just over a month ago and it is still hard. But I couldn't go on with her know that she wasn't the one. I didn't want to make the same mistake a second time. She gave me everything I was looking for. The only problem was I needed to do it for me. It was a false sense of security.

Oh and by the way, there is a reason they tell us to wait awhile after dating. Then the divorce started coming to a close and the reality of it all starting hitting me. I slept a second night. So a little better today.

The W and i relationship still in a bad place. She got everything she wanted and more and she is still angry. The vile things that come out of her mouth on a text. I cringe every time a see a text from her.

I just won't go there with her. I never had anxiety, insomnia, nothing until 3 years ago. One night I stopped sleeping which is when I found out, I was alone in the marriage. A year later, she ended it. I can't wait till this is finally done. I felt like she has been holding me down ever since. Threating with custody, you name it.

Number ONE: let her know that you won't accept any more angry/nasty texts, that unless it has to do strictly about the kids you have nothing to talk to her about. Erase the texts if you think she is messing with you and it is not about your kids, cut any unnecesary communication, I realized that the less I talked to ex and saw of him the better I felt. During kids' baseball games sit somewhere else if possible, if not, turn your attention elsewhere.

Turn off your phone sometimes, to get some peace... if you turn it on and see 10txts from her ignore them and ask her in a short text if the kids need something.
I will pray you get the peace you seek, I'm a believer and my faith saved my sanity, in two years God healed me beautifuly -- i will not take any credit as sometimes, I tried to look back and see the ugliness of all that happened I felt the horrible crushing pain that could've been mine had I not thrown all the mess God's way. Know you will be ok, that is half thet battle.

Cat,

Today, I erased the emails and texts I have been saving just in case...I just need to separate myself from the negativity. I see myself falling into that depression. I will not go quitely. I promise. I am done fighting. I am done holding onto life so tightly that I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can admit for the first time, yes, I am depressed. I get it now. Who wouldn't be. But I know it. And I will get better in time. I will fight each day to be the man I once was. I told everybody that I have been whining to who will listen about my tale of whoa's...I can't do it anymore. It isn't making my life any better. This is hard. So damn hard. I never thought I could fall to this level. I pray, that I have hit the bottom and there is only one way to go...

It isn't bad to lean on people. I found lots of people willing to listen. After awhile, I had a day where I said to myself, "I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me."

I've started to change the narrative of the story when people ask. The fact the divorce is over helps. Now, when they ask, I can say, "it was final June 10" and then go on from there.

So that'll be better.

I will say I haven't faced a lot of negative comments, emails or texts. XW appears to have a lot of guilt and is going out of her way to be nice to me. I believe she truly believes she did this for me as well. So I can't share any experiences there with you.

I was depressed for a long time. Not to where I couldn't function. But I wasn't functioning well. It affected the kids. I had one night, back in late 2009 where I had them on my normal Wednesday and I spent an hour talking to my aunt while they sat inside.

Now, those moments usually last less than five minutes and I'm able to stop them by asking myself what I'm afraid of.

Yesterday was a good example. A friend of XW's posted on her FB wall "Free at last, free at last, Oh lordy free at last." The post was on the day the divorce was final.

This friend of XW's is no friend of mine so I shouldn't have been surprised. There were no other comments.

But I was hurt and angry and I had to get out of the house for a moment. When I asked myself why I was angry it was because I am afraid I was too controlling. I am afraid the divorce was my fault. I am afraid XW is better off without me. If those are true, then I am afraid I'm unlovable and will always be alone.

Once I figured out what I was afraid of, I wasn't angry anymore.

"Well I have do have a fair amount of time as well. Too much time. Lets just say I peaked early and will not be going any higher unless i move. Which can't happen with the divorce. I am not going to move away from my 3 boys.. I am bored with the job, but can't do much about it."

I wouldn't be too sure of this at all. You may well have been stuck in your life in a lot of ways because of the old M in ways you don't yet realize. Surprises await, good ones :-)

Thanks old timer. You are right, you don't know what you don't know...

Clinging to hope: My goal is to "under-react" to these situations going forward. I am dreading the last court date at the end of the month, and then it should be done. I think that day you talk about where people ask how you are and you just say how bad things are...I think that was what I had this weekend. I am just tired of myself. I am tired of moping through life. When I had the girlfriend for 10 months, I was on top of the world. Well, she was doing that for me. I wasn't doing it for myself.

It is easy to let yourself fall in a depression. And I have. I can't do it anymore.

A few people asked me this morning how I was. I said doing well. First time in a awhile where I said more than OK...

The controlling piece. Well i was, I am. I like a beginning and an end. I like to know where I am going. I know I was holding on to life way too tightly. I carry everybody elses emotions on me and feel responsible for everything.

It is a hard life lesson to learn you can only control yourself.

I feel that if I broke down, the whole thing breaks down...I can't put that kind of pressure on myself anymore.

Why are you looking at her Facebook wall?. Cut the rope!

Good point. I took the app of my iphone just because I didn't want to be tempted to look and see anything..

Hey I just want to say one thing. You don't let depression fall upon you. It is not a choice, it is a condition. That is where you are. Do not judge yourself because of it. You can do your best to not let depression catch you, good therapy can provide tools. In the meantime look out not in. I think many of us still struggle years later to manage the past. Wonder