What are you doing to GAL? You will find the more you are able to GAL, the more your mental health will improve. At least that was my experience at the beginning. Once I started figuring out things to do to GAL and acting upon them, it was extremely liberating.
She is likely switching gears on you because she is confused herself. If you are thinking she is doing it for manipulation, it will have exactly that affect. Remember, and you may have seen this in DR, believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
That's part of my problem I don't really know how to GAL. I don't have any friends and I'm a pretty shy person so just walking up and striking a conversation with someone is really hard for me. me and her brother are pretty close but it's awkward to go over there. The couple of times I have been I called first to see if she was there and if not then I'll go. I don't go to my parents house a lot because my dad's health is going downhill so quickly it's depressing. All I really do is go for walks. I got laid off from my job the other day due to slow business so I just feel like I'm on a slipstream of things going downhill. So I'm isolated all the time now. What money I do have I have to save till another job comes along which I had a couple of interviews today.
I do remember reading that actually. I keep the book next to me quite often except of course when she's over. How do I know she's confused when she seems to have her mind made up?
There's a myriad of things you can do to GAL. Not all of them cost money. Is there any place you can volunteer? That's a good way to make some new friends. Any old hobbies you've put off?
If you watch your W closely, she may seem like she has her mind made up, but she may also be saying comments out loud that appear to be directed to you to convince herself of her decision. Your W's inconsistency, though, seems to be indicative of some confusion.
I am so sorry you are here. My H is in the same house with me and will not touch me or even talk to me other than that we are the same boat. I lost my job in March. H told me last night he wants to do some kind of online divorce or something no attorneys or judge.
Not really. I've been trying to think of hobbies I've put off for awhile and I can't really think of anything. I've always drawn and I still continue to do that. I used to play the guitar but I sold it quite awhile back because I got bored of it. I don't know if there is anyplace I can volunteer honestly. I never really thought about it.
I keep putting thoughts into my head also that she is confused but then she goes off on her things of wanting to divorce soon and I end up thinking that maybe I'm the one that's confused. When she tells me that she loves me and hugs and kisses me when she leaves I even start to wonder if I'm back up here just in case she decides she doesn't like her new life.
I have made a couple of errors that are against what the book says and have glanced at her facebook page. I noticed she still has her status as married. I think if she was having an affair it might have ended. Which I only have suspicions and no proof of that or she may be battling with herself judging from a couple of posts she made last night a couple of hours after we had talked about the D. I'm doing my best to not look at things like that now.
Sometimes i wonder when this thing inside of me that frightens everyone will just go away and finally let me know peace.
The world uses me and takes what it wants. Then leaves me broken on the side of the road. When is it ever going to be enough?
She is definitely on a roller coaster. You need to detach from her emotions as much as you can or you will be on the same roller coaster.
You should focus on yourself. Any snooping you do will just end up driving you crazy. I know from experience. Don't focus on what she's doing or not doing at this point.
In terms of GAL'ing, is there anything you've always wanted to do, but have never taken up or tried? I think the walking is a good start, but maybe there something else you can do? I think the first step in GAL'ing is thinking up things to do to GAL. Once you start figuring out things to do, it gains momentum.
I definitely understand being shy. When I first started GALing, I tried to convince myself to not do anything that was outside of my comfort zone. After two months, I am SOO glad I did. I find myself being able to hold conversations with strangers. Even if it's awkward.. that's ok because I learned that I am WORTH people getting to know ME.
You can do it! Have faith, grow a set.. whatever you need to do to convince yourself that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH!!! The reward to pretty great.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Well her brother called me earlier and asked me to come over since she wasn't there. He and his wife told their kids about the divorce so he wanted a little company since my wife stayed elsewhere again tonight.
He said he's been trying to go to bat for me to her because he said he doesn't even understand what the problem is here and says she's acting stupid right now. Which I told him as much as I appreciate him trying to straighten her out but I don't want her getting mad at him about this. So I think he's going to back off a little about it.
I'm just trying to get my mind off of her. i think if I could do that I could think of things to do. Just my mind if so clouded right now and trying to figure out how to be happy when this stuff is going on and trying to figure out exactly how I should do the LRT
How do I detach from her emotions? Right now I honestly feel like I'm on steady downward spiral that is going fast. I hate feeling like I have no control on my own life.
Below is what I believe the LRT/Dropping the rope/Dark means. Now I am no expert and am only just into this process myself, but this has been compiled with info from here, books and other resources.
Remember though, KIDS are priority over EVERYTHING
What do we hope to achieve by doing the last resort technique (LRT)
Firstly doing LRT means we have no contact, but what does this mean, well by not chasing/pursuing spouse this shows:
Strength Courage Non neediness Independence
Result = Attractiveness
Secondly, by having no contact you are letting spouses negative emotions come out, such as bitterness, resentment or anger, if you are constant contact or pursuing etc all spouse will do is defend their actions and it will make their feelings stronger. By having no contact you give spouse time and space to process these emotions (hopefully)
You need to counteract their negative emotions, whether you agree with them or not, with positives. This will help change their perception, or change the images of you they may have.
I think the following 2 below are what 25 posted "you need to back off so that the she can hear that little voice in her head saying, WTH are you doing?, Trust me in the silence of night, she wonders"
"you need to give her the space so she can examine her choices and not have to defend them because you are in her face challenging them"
No contact doesn't mean you avoid spouse at all costs, as some may still live together, have kids together or work together. It is not physical action, more of a mental action.
If you have to have contact with spouse, ensure you act "professional", be vague or short on words, but not rude. Do not bring up any talk of M, R or D, let them initiate this, and if they do, validate their feelings where appropriate, remember most WAS are not making rational decisions, so trying to communicate rationally will have no effect, they are going on emotions. Act as if you are getting on with your life, if you find this hard use the mantra "fake it until you make it". You will find acting happy around spouse and others will start you to believe it more.
Getting a Life (GAL) Laugh, have fun, and focus on other aspects of your life. Most LBS (inc me) at the start use this to SHOW spouse what they could be missing and trying to entice them back, WRONG. GAL is for YOU, and if done to get spouse back the changes will not last and spouse will see right through it. GAL is for YOU, yes they may have the paradoxical effect of showing spouse you are getting on with your life (which is good) but these are for YOU (and kids) on how life is going to be without spouse and what YOU do to make yourself happy. YOU can only CONTROL yourself, and your own happiness is down to YOU and YOU ONLY
Mystery Get some mystery in your life, don't lie or try to cover things up, just be non-committal or vague. Now, you are not trying to get spouse jealous (that could backfire badly) but you are just planting little seeds of doubt.
Again, posted by 25 IIRC "you need a little mystery in your life so the idea of HER LOSING YOU finally crosses her mind.
Questions WAS may have due to LRT no contact
Why aren't they calling me What are they doing Who are they with Do they not want to be with me anymore
All potential questions which COULD help the LBS cause
Doing all of the above is what YOU need to do to get on with your life to be the best possible YOU. Conversely this is also what you have to do in order for your spouse to reconsider.
Couple of other points
One of the main phrases around here: What is my goal here? Is what I am about to do going to bring me closer or move me further away from my goal?
Seek out the 37 rules from here on the forum, put them in your Smartphone or carry them. Read them everyday, they are invaluable.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I'm not sure if my wife would look back at all now. I'm pretty sure she's in the midst of an affair. While I was at her brother's last night he got on facebook to show me some pictures of some of his ex girlfriend's and to see what his soon to be ex wife was posting about him if anything. While there he clocked on my wife's profile and she had posted You never know when that one person is gonna come out of left field and completely change your life
In the midst of the high of a new relationship she wouldn't look back at all would she? I would think she would just be glad her husband isn't saying anything so she can pursue the replacement more easily? Maybe that's why she wants to get the divorce over with quickly.
I believe she is supposed to be over today but I'm not going to text her to find out.
