Imagine I punch you in the face, everyday for 10 years. One day you decide you have had enough punches. We discuss it and agree that you have indeed had enough, and you have exhibited the patience of Job while you were slapped around daily. Now imagine that I off and punch your lights out after we have discussed, agreed and made decisions to prevent the very thing that I just did.
Be sure and remind me in a loving way that I shouldn't punch your lights out again...
The monkey is dead, the string is broke, and turning the crank makes no music. I refuse to return to status quo of the previous decade's relationship. If that means ruffled feathers, thrown food, tears of sadness or of joy, then so be it. If it means divorce, pain, sorrow, and new beginnings, so be it. Regardless of the outcome, change has come to frog town.
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for the input. I've just now gotten to read it.
Unfortunately the sickness express has overrun the house. Someone had thrown up for 13 straight days (Dec. 22 - Jan 3). S1 had flu, respiratory infection and ear infection, D3 had flu and double ear infection, W had flu twice, me once. The last two weeks have just been a blur.
I have started reading SSM. I will probably have to go back and read the chapters again due to the fuzzyness of the last two weeks. I have not heard from MC, but will try again this week since the holidays are over.
Hi, I've just got through reading all the above posts and found it really fascinating. In my R H is the Hd and I am the Ld bordering on ND.
I have to say that from reading the guys point of view of being hd and w being ld, I get it now. I now understand my H anger at me.
I am really going to work on not only being more responsive but to actally initiate. It's hard tho sometimes as I feel its always for him, what he needs, even tho I hear the words, I like you touching me or I like touching you, I don't hear them as anything to do with me. I remember when the kids were little, there was resentment, it was like it ws one more thing I had to do for soemone else before I could go to sleep.Now I have arthritis(im only 40) and so for the past 10yrs pain has been my enemy.Sometimes I'd just lkike a night off LOL. Yes H wants it every nite. See theres that mind set again H wants it. I am trying to change my mindset, to H wants to make love to ME everynite. It is getting easier, I have lost weight, I'm starting to look better at 40 than i did at 25, my dd is 14 and so i have a makeup/wardrobe assistant, so things are looking up that end and I am feeling much more attractive, so that is helping. If I can just stop him getting angry over stupid little things and kids noise then i'm sure I will feel more loving towards him.
If you can manage to 'love him anyway', I think you will find that his anger and short temper will mostly go away. He will probably feel more attracted to you and be more attentive.
Do try not to give him 'duty sex'. He will know the difference. If you can have sex with him regurlarly, AND enjoy it, I think you will soon find hubby a changed man :-)
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It is true, sex will make a man MUCH more attentive and MUCH happier to the LD spouse. I know I will do anything for a HD woman. I know from my sit that my LD wife does not meet ANY needs of mine, so I find myself asking myself all the time, why do ANYTHING for her. I tell you, I have to FORCE myself to even care about her needs anymore. I would be SO MUCH happier if she just cared to meet my needs.
As for duty sex, it is just slightly better then no sex, but not by much. If a man wanted duty sex, he could get a hooker and probably have MORE fun then duty sex with his wife. Men KNOW when the wife is faking desire, and sex is ALWAYS far better with a women that actually HAS desire. Duty sex leads to sexual aversion, which is REALLY serious.
Don't forget about YOUR needs. Make sure you are happy as WELL as your husband.
Duty sex should only be done sparingly, as duty sex leads to sexual aversion.
Initiating Sex: This is the single greatest gift you can ever give a man. It will boost his self esteem more then anything else in his life. HD men want one thing in life above all else, and that is to be desired. Read the posting I did about "What men think about sex" from yesterday.
I would suggest you get the book by B. De Angelis that explains what men want women to know about men. It explains HD men PERFECTLY. It also tells women how to be the PERFECT mate for such a man. I will warn you though, for a LD woman, this can be scary reading, as it will be a shocker to LD woman as to what is REALLY required in marriage to a normal male.
Rap, Your name is interesting. Have you been feeling trapped in a tower? I read your post on Newcomers.
I'm glad you're working on the things about yourself that you want to change.
Quote: If I can just stop him getting angry over stupid little things and kids noise then i'm sure I will feel more loving towards him.
Is your H doing anything regarding his difficulties with anger? It sounds like a pretty significant problem for him and I seriously doubt it is all about sex. You've forgiven him for hitting you. That's some serious forgiving. Please don't believe that you're responsible for his poor anger management. He sounds like just a generally angry kind of person based on this and your post on Newcomers. It sounds like you've spent most of your marriage trying to keep him from getting angry or angrier, and not succeeding. That's because it is HIS problem, not yours. You can't do the work for him. Unfortunately, people with anger problems often don't see it as being THEIR problem; it's everybody else out there making them angry.
Keep working on you for your sake. Explore and develop your sexuality. Enjoy that hairdresser's course. Go out on that way overdue girls' night out! Protect yourself.
Best wishes, MPT
P.S. Are you sure you want a 14 year olds' advice on fashion?! I don't know what they're wearing over in Australia, but in the U.S. they are wearing what *I* wore as a teen in the 70's! I ain't goin' there again!
Oh boy, TG, I'm impressed that you've been able to get on at all to read posts. I hope healing is going on at your place and those nasty viruses and bacteria are being driven away.
rapunzel111, Is what MPT posts true? Your husband has been punching you?
If it is more than once, then do you have any other men in your life, brothers, father, friends? Do they know?
There is NO excuse for hurting someone that is basically defenseless. Anger - whatever, there is no excuse.
I did withness a guy punch his wife once, right after she hit him over the head with a pan :-) They were quite the pair. On more than one occasion, I saw BOTH of them with bruises. While humorous, they are not the norm. If a guy is hitting you, other than a one time knock down drag out over the top argument with lost tempers by both parties ( even then, he only gets to make that mistake once in his life) then you need to tell people that can help.
In my neck of the woods, when a woman tells about an abusive husband to friends, there is rarely a need to involve police. Her friends and relatives have a way to fix that problem. If you don't know someone who can really correct the situation, then contact the authorities ASAP regarding abuse.
You probably know all this, but I felt I had to give unsolicited advice in this case.... Sorry if I offended in any way.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Rap, Your name is interesting. Have you been feeling trapped in a tower? I read your post on Newcomers.
LOl, I just liked the name, i use it for all my psots on diff boards.I was not blessed with a gorgeous head of hair LOLOL and perhaps I would liek to let my hair down..... And I guess yes I have felt trapped, trapped by H's idea of what a wife should be....rule #1 constantly attentive LOLOLOL
Quote: Is your H doing anything regarding his difficulties with anger? It sounds like a pretty significant problem for him and I seriously doubt it is all about sex.
He has, since the police thing, i see him almost physically changing his mind before saying something,it's very funny, we are both being more....considerate.
Quote: You've forgiven him for hitting you. That's some serious forgiving.
Yes. I made a decision the next day about wether to leave or not and so did he and we decided that 20yrs was a looong time.
Quote: . It sounds like you've spent most of your marriage trying to keep him from getting angry or angrier, and not succeeding. That's because it is HIS problem, not yours. You can't do the work for him.
EXACTLY lol. I have told hime I can't make him 'happy" that he has to do some work on that too.I am making an effort not to let his moods bother me as much and trying not to "bite' to find out what is "wrong" The problem is he can ge the 'poops' anytime and i can let it go, but I can't have the 'poops" makes him mad LOL, that'll put him in a bad mood then. A lot of it comes down to his work ethic. he is working now, but it is heavy and hurting. I understand that, but we have kids and need the money and needed to instil in them a work ethic too, show them you have to work for what you have. on another level he thinks that if someone doesn't want to work or can't then it is none of anyone elses business and they should be able to live how they want, fair enough except when they react so badly to what other people say or he thinks they say. hard to explain what I mean.we have had many an argument over what other people might be thinking over the years.
Quote: P.S. Are you sure you want a 14 year olds' advice on fashion?! I don't know what they're wearing over in Australia, but in the U.S. they are wearing what *I* wore as a teen in the 70's! I ain't goin' there again!
LOLOL In Australia think skimpy my daughter loooves cleavage LOL and hubby has noticed the change LOL I would love to wear some of the things she wears but alas still a tad too fat for that.she made me go through my wardrobe a few weeks ago and get rid of all the fat clothes,80's stuff and generally daggy stuff. not much left......
Quote: Is what MPT posts true? Your husband has been punching you?
If it is more than once, then do you have any other men in your life, brothers, father, friends? Do they know?
There is NO excuse for hurting someone that is basically defenseless. Anger - whatever, there is no excuse.
Thank god it was a one off, I think he was as shocked as I am. 20yrs and we never got close to that,yeah we'd yell, be nasty, drag up old wrongs,he'd threaten to rip up the mge cert,maby break something of mine, but I never ever thought he would hit me. It has been a lot to come to terms with, and i always have said if someone hit me i would leave. I tell my daughter if someone hits her leave. but when push comes to shove, I couldn't let 20yrs go down the drain. I want to work on it. I have only written about the bad times, there have been some good ones or I woulden't still be here trying to make it better.i do love him, it's jsut like I have forgotten how and why.
Quote: ( even then, he only gets to make that mistake once in his life)
OH YES DEFINATELY, this is it and we both know it.
Quote: In my neck of the woods, when a woman tells about an abusive husband to friends, there is rarely a need to involve police. Her friends and relatives have a way to fix that problem.
The only people who know are my sisters, one knows because her and her hubby run the business my hubby works for and he had to explain a sudden day off and told them the truth. this sister has not mentioned it to me at all, not asked once.i told my other sister a little, but because kids are on holidays, i didnt get much chance to talk about it, I will ring her in the day in a few weeks when the kids go back to school. the guns dissapearing of the walll was the hardest to explain . we just told them that when the police finally came around about sons stolen bike, they noticed them and becuse we have no licence they confiscated them.D knew something was up because i told her police came around about someone at work and hubby told her they came about the bike.....she kept asking questions, but let it go after a while.i can't get them back because of the DV on H, and son wants to apply but I can't explain to him that he can't get one because DV on house. am thinking of going to court to have DV revoked it is 2yrs long.police insisted niether of us had to go to court and through embarrasment niether of us went,so it ws just auto put on.It has made h think about how he behaves though.
Thank you all very much for your advice and comments, i have no one to talk to this freely about my marraige and the stuff that goes with it. A big hug of thanks to you all, amidst your own problems you are helping with mine. ((((((((evwybody)))))))))))
In Australia think skimpy