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Interesting day -

Spent most of it working on a project, but did get out and go to a coffee shop. I find that just being around people does something for me, even though I tend to be an introvert. I guess that's something I'm working on is being an introvert, without being introverted. A friendly person with a rich inner universe. That make sense?

A stranger actually commented that I looked very happy - that I was radiating positivity. I replied with 'sorry I guess its false advertising'.. not sure why I do that - killed any possible interaction and I felt a little bad about it afterwards. It was a really nice thing for someone to say and I guess I feel like being happy feels wrong under the circumstances. But, I wasn't focused on W or M, I was doing some thought-exercises involving feeling better about my sense of loneliness and wanting to feel more connected. Guess it was working!

I still feel a little weird about last night's conversation. It does feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells with myself and how I communicate w/ her. I am trying to work on being appropriately assertive but at the same time I want to choose actions and responses that would increase the odds of W re-considering her decision. I don't know if telling her "We are not going to be friends after this, especially as you have never apologized for what you have done." was good or bad in that regard. It sets a clear boundary and lets her know that she won't have all my best aspects w/ none of the commitment. But I feel like its a harsh thing to say.

On one hand, I would not be friends with someone like that - it doesn't make sense. But, I wouldn't be too friendly with someone who treated her the way that I did. I guess that is one of those pathological dynamics of marriage - we often see an ugly side of someone that most other people never see.

On the other hand, she tends to be the kind of person that will run away from a situation where she doesn't believe she can be forgiven, or that the other person wont forgive her. I don't know if she knows how to ask for forgiveness. I don't know that I've ever seen her do it. This leads me to the question of - should I acknowledge that she said "I'm truly sorry for how much I screwed things up" last night? Its kind of an apology, albeit a general one said after prompting from me. But, its better than her usual "I'm sorry" (with the implicit 'stop being upset with me NOW!' tone).

My feeling is that I could e-mail her and acknowledge that she did say that and I appreciate that she would apologize. However, I don't know what she is referring to: never speaking directly about what was bothering her before she went off and had an A? Having the A? Lying to me about it? Resenting me for keeping her from being w/ OM? Not being more insistent about me seeing an IC? Sleeping with OM while I was away getting therapy (this one still stings - less, but stings)? Lying to me about wanting things to work? Being willing to go to MC but never really being committed to making things work? Saying hurtful things about me to our families? Being in my sister's wedding photos now that its out that she was having an A by then? I mean, what specific thing is it she is sorry for?

I know that its not my place to teach her how to apologize, and I'm not even going to attempt to. But if she is trying to apologize, is there a way I can help her? If she is trying to work that out, even if its just for her benefit, is there a 'better' communication?

I thought about 'modeling', but I have done a lot of apologizing of my own already - in writing and verbal - I fear that to continue to apologize would be 'more words' and could be seen as pursuing.

One thing I'm very grateful for from all this is the tremendous sense of clarity it has given me about the kind of person I am, the kind of person I'd like to be, what I was doing that was hurting me, and some notions I've been clinging to that are holding me back from enjoying my life more. I find myself taking action to seek to become that person more than I used to. In general, I feel like things are going to move forward for me, even if during the day there is plenty of pain and hurt that I haven't learned to let go of yet. I would like it if W was on that journey with me - I know that its going to be a beautiful thing - but I know that part of that journey is accepting that she has chosen not to take it.

^

Its a sunday afternoon and I'm leisurely 'working hard' at a project. Taking a break now - hopefully I'll beat my deadline of July 1st.

Woke up early again this morning (intentionally) and attended a meditation class. Interesting experience, and I'd go again when they resume classes. Definitely not my typical sunday morning.

Planning on grabbing a beer with a friend this week - for me, going out once a week with a friend is actually quite GAL. I have never been a heavy drinker and this whole experience has found me drinking less than one drink a week. I don't think this was ever an issue in terms of our M - W would typically drink almost every night. Not to get drunk but she was raised by family who seemed to make it a point to drink wine every evening (and afternoon sometimes..), and I think it definitely formed an impression on her.

Not much else to say - should probably go for a walk and get a little sun on me. Hope everyone is having as good a weekend as they can.

A:

Hang in there...I've been following your situation and wanted to send you support through this emotional time.

There are no quick fixes...we all need to just hang in and see what happens over time. Remember, you are not alone!

Thanks, WaWinLA, for your support.


Today has been a non-eventful day - haven't heard from W since she picked up her Cat on saturday morning, and I don't expect I will hear from her again anytime soon. Avoidance being her coping mechanism of choice, the likelihood of her trying to communicate w/ me is slim under these circumstances.

Talked with my IC for a while today and she thinks that I am by and large doing very well. She emphasized how its important for me to not let myself 'wait around' for W before I start to make changes for myself. I couldn't agree more and she gave me some good ideas about what I could look at doing more of to have fun (fun? whats that?) and stay open to whats going on in my life inside and outside of me.

Still unsure about if I should query about the apology thing - IC seems to think that I would probably just be setting myself up for more of the same, and that if W sincerely wishes to apologize, she will do it when she can.

Time to go be around people!

Hmm.. two days in a row getting up later -- I don't have to be anywhere, so it isn't keeping me from something, but it isn't what I _planned_ on. On the other hand, I think I'm getting more sleep finally - thats a positive.

Time to work those self-control muscles a little better.

Got an e-mail from W yesterday telling me that her lawyer plans to mail me papers in the next day or so. First response was some pretty uncomfortable emotion/fight+flight type stuff. Rather than amplify it, I just sat there for a minute or two and let it pass through me. Then I went and bought groceries. I think this is what they call 'confronting yourself.' And I think I did a good job yesterday. It was uncomfortable, but I let it go and went on with my day. I think that was the best thing I could do under the present circumstances and I'm sure that choosing to just let it pass through me and move forward is much more in alignment with my own goals of personal development and change than dwelling on it or caving in to it would have been.

I find myself reconnecting with the music that I loved and enjoyed before I met W. I don't know if I consciously left that behind in our R, or if I grew out of it, but I'm certainly enjoying reconnecting with that energy - it is not as 'serious' as the stuff I've been living, but it resonates with me.

Looking forward to grabbing a beer tonight w/ a friend. I failed to develop my own 'social network' around town as we moved here because W was working here so much. So, as I'm sure is common, my friends were basically HER friends.

Just got back from a nice evening hanging out with some friends. Was able to avoid talking about the M too much, which was nice.

BUT

Ran into a mutual friend of W and myself @ the bar though - he asked where W was. I ended up telling him the rough sketch of the situation - the problem is, I can't really explain "what happened" as far as "why" we are getting divorced other than to guess that "W cheated on me for a year and doesn't want to try and work it out." I feel conflicted about this:

When W was pretending that she still wanted to work things out, I covered for her, big time. I told two people - people I trusted would not spread it around and whose insight and counsel I considered most valuable. I didn't tell my family, and I didn't tell my friends who asked about her when I ran into them - I found an acceptable truth. But here's the thing - I don't like to lie - it makes me feel gross and I find lies have a way of catching up to you.

I'm not going to lie on W's behalf - I'm not going to lie about my role in this situation either, but the fact is she did cheat on me, and only made the slimmest of pretenses of trying to work it out before walking out the door again. Telling me "I think I cheated on you because I wanted you to divorce me." I think there is a term for kind of post-fact reasoning/distortion. That is also one hell of a way to leave your lover. But, it doesn't leave me with much in the way of understanding why we are actually getting divorced and what was 'unworkable.' So, I have to go with the facts I have been given for the time being.

W has also told me 'everybody knows about the situation' and 'the whole town is talking about it' So I have been under the impression that mutual friends already knew the scene. Given, as a mentioned earlier - most of these people are 'her friends' I've avoided contact with a lot of them because I expect there is some 'side taking.' I was actually surprised he was so friendly at first as I figured there would be the awkwardness of the whole situation..

Anyways - I'm trying not to get too caught up in the "should" or "shouldn't" of this whole thing, but there is a part of me that feels a little icky about it - I am certainly not going around telling everyone I see or looking for opportunities to explain it, but a lot of the people I know here have never even seen me w/o W within 50 meters of me, so they are going to ask. But, it does put W in a tough spot.

Talking with my IC yesterday, we discussed how in many ways this whole situation seems to be manifesting some of my own deeper fears: rejection and abandonment. I'd say I'm experiencing that in spades. It also appears to manifesting W's big worries - she is always worried about how she looks to other people and if people are mad at her or judge her. And now she has created a situation where she actually may end up being judged by people by her real actions and choices.

I feel empathy for her situation but I don't think that I should have to be dishonest or cryptic because she chose to follow the path she chose, but doesn't want anyone else to know the parts that don't make her look good.

I'm sure that some of you have 2x4's ready for me, and I'm more than happy to experience them - if someone has a better way of responding I'm all for hearing it - I'm not used to even running into people I know at bars, let alone handling a subject like that.

Interesting day -

W apparently e-mailed landlord about renewing the lease in her name. I don't know if this was a sneaky move or just her trying to make sure that if I decide to move out, she can keep the place. She wants me to believe its the latter, but I know from experience hunting for apts with her that she would not be above offering the landlord more $ to make sure she got a place. So, offering to renew for the year rather than month-to-month is not something beyond her playbook.

W called and we ended up having what I would call a 'challenging, but more respectful' conversation. At 40+ minutes, also the longest conversation since she walked out on me. Probably broke a lot of the DB rules, but maybe not so much in spirit of me doing something differently. She called about the apartment and if I knew what I was going to do with it, I informed her that I did not know yet and was not planning to decide in the near future.

We ended up talk about assets and I informed her that I was considering filing for spousal support but was not sure. This really set her off - I think in her mind I was going to just take the hits and leave, without doing this. I could and I'm sure there are benefits to it, but it doesn't change the fact that I've spent our entire M moving around in support of her career often to the detriment of my own (and, in retrospect, my sanity). It doesn't change the fact that the agreements we made were being kept by me, even as she began to internally devalue me as a result. It doesn't change the fact that because of the sacrifices I made in the name of our PARTNERSHIP, I'm now in a much weaker position in terms of the career I've been pursuing and may in fact have to abandon my goals. Going it together was the idea, and the sacrifices that I made were with that in mind. All the while, her career has grown and blossomed so she has become the primary (90%+) breadwinner. It will create a hardship on her - the fact is, I was always very self-conscious about how much less I was contributing financially and avoided spending a lot of our money as a result - was this the best way to deal with it? NO. But, it was the way it was dealt with, and spousal support is probably going to cost her way more money than she was actually contributing to me as a spouse. I bought maybe 1 or 2 new items of clothing in a year - she would buy 2 or 3 a month.

This notion of partnership sticks me a little still - I spent money I had saved or inherited to keep us feeling 'safe' when we were first starting out, and I have never refused to cover bills or rent, even if it meant that my accounts were taking a hit w/o being replenished (in fact, I never once took money from her account into mine). But, since I was not contributing in the way that she tacitly decided I should, this apparently became a source of resentment for her.
She told me 'I can't believe you would do that to me..' and I don't think she really sees the irony - that she, who is saying 'I need to do whats best for me and my future' and is choosing to divorce me, would expect me to also do 'whats best for W and her future (comfort and convenience)' and choose to forgo spousal support because it might make things harder for her. It is as if she has no idea how difficult this whole thing actually is for me - maybe because I'm not being a big enough whiner, I don't know.

I'd rather find a job that I like, am good at, and pays the bills. It would be much more empowering and would take care of my own personal issues a lot more. But, for now I'm keeping it on the table as an option that I can consider as far as 'whats best for me.'

She said it feels like I am trying to force her to come to the M by doing this, and to be honest, that may be a small percentage points of it - to the extent that I'm aware that she may be less inclined to rush ahead as fast as she has if she realizes it might actually make things hard for her. But, my primary intention is to assert that I have contributed and sacrificed in many ways and do not plan to walk away taking even more hits, just because it would be easier on her.

We had a bunch of R talk - about how she never really did work on the marriage, how what she did this past year wasn't fair to me, how I have acted unfairly towards her in the past. We also discussed how the fact that I don't really understand why we are getting divorced makes it hard for me not to sum it up as "I was going through a lot of issues. I got help for those issues. She cheated on me. I wanted to try to work it out. She chose not to, and is leaving the marriage."

This conversation was challenging but did not get disrespectful or heated. She has a hard time accepting that she didn't really ever 'work' on the marriage, and said that she feels like she did want to at some point, but didn't know how or wasn't insistent enough. I have told her that I think she is running away from me as fast as she can, because she is afraid to confront the ugly side of what she did, and she says "I think I'm just choosing a different path." If that isn't euphemism, I don't know what is. The path of adultery, lying, and manipulation? Avoidance? I guess it is a different path, but I do wonder if she will find happiness along it.

She says "I fell into and out of love with you." I asked her if she thinks that she could have done anything about that. she said no, then yes. She said she wanted me to be a different person, and got mad that I wasn't changing, and then decided she shouldn't be trying to change me. I asked her if there was a specific trait she felt was so much a core part of me that it would never change. Didn't get an answer. Then I asked her if she believed those things she had a problem with were really me or if they were situational. She said "probably situational." I left it at that.

I am getting a little bit better at listening and asking questions, which is good - but I still talk way too much under the circumstances - she has complained a lot about me intellectually overwhelming her, so I am working on it not just for this R, but because I know I do it to try and control the outcome - not good for me or anyone else. The problem is, many times she has looked to me to 'coach' her and tell her what to think under stress and be emotionally stabilizing, so its still a challenge to let it go. I'm glad I am doing it though - I think i will be a happier person for it in the long run.

I am trying to learn to 'fight fair' even though this M is likely ending - I feel like its a good thing for me, to be able to get out ahead of these fights and choose to act in a way that goes towards resolution rather than rightness. Again - this can only make me a happier more peaceful person if i do it w/o becoming a doormat. Speaking of which - it occurred to me that in some ways, being a doormat is a very controlling behavior. Any thoughts on that?

She apologized for not speaking up earlier, for having the A, and for jerking me around so much, and I did acknowledge and accept her apology. I think this was a positive, even if perhaps it was more transactional for her than meaningful.

I did allow myself to get sarcastic when she said "I don't hate you, I don't wish you ill, I still really care about you" and I said "I'm not so sure about that last part..". In truth, I'm not sure - at this point, I feel like she says these things more for her benefit. I wonder if there is a part of her that does hate me, and does blame me for her A, and does feel like I ruined our M. I know I've got a 50% role in the R, and I have been spending much of my time examining that role. But, if she ever wants to bring those things up, I should acknowledge them and own it. I just don't think she will. I do feel like I should apologize for my sarcasm - that would be a 180 of its own in some ways.

Kind of a journaling bump.

Gotta get out of the house today - starting to really feel the not having another person around and not having a whole lot to do. So, I figure I should at least get some good exercise in.

Thinking about finding a career counselor to help me figure some things out - I've been so exclusively focused on my 'one path' for so long that I am pretty myopic when it comes to what else I might be willing to consider doing. I'm lucky to have the time and freedom to do this, I know.

W has e-mailed me twice in the past 24 hours - both regarding logistical things, but the tone seems to be a little bit more sincere and respectful. I don't know if this is coming from standing up for myself, or out of fear that I might choose to exercise legal options that could put her in a difficult spot. I often wonder if she thought that this was going to be an easy thing?

Anyways, time to get some sun and fresh air while its still available to me.