Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 74 Days - Who Knows?

Nice to see you back Gritter!

You don't make things easy you know!? LOL...

I've said that I will walk if my W crosses the boundary that I've set. Will I IF it happens?

I intend to. But I will not do anything without careful consideration and without giving myself time to process.

You are right. Doing it out of anger or punishment would not be the right reason for enforcing that boundary. I feel that it is for me though.

I suppose that I will just cross that bridge if I ever have to cross it... and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that does not happen.

BITS
Denver

I would suspect that you'd be doing it because you'd be saying "I choose not to live in an open marriage, where my wife is actively lying ot me about her infidelity, and she seems either unwilling or incapabile of stopping it" -- or something very similar. NOT because "I'm p*ssed off/hurt/disrespected/etc."

But it must be YOUR consequence, and your decision.

Transparency exists for two reasons, the way I see it. One it to help a formerly-wayward spouse who is UNWILLING to end contact with their OP. I think your wife is either willing to, or very close to being ready to be willing to, so that's not my worry for you, Denver.

The other reason is to help people who are INCAPABLE of doing it. Perhaps it's the OP themselves who are the pursuers, and the spouse is TRYING to do the right thing, but can't seem to shake the other person, who keeps flattering them and pursuing them.

This would be more of my concern for your wife, as she honestly does NOT seem like she's "done" with you or your marriage.


Starsky

Thanks Starsky.

Feeling emotionally exhausted the past couple of days. Nothing bad has happened. Just haven't had contact with my W for the past couple of days. I'm trying to remember that we are taking June to ourselves... that is what we discussed.

But last week got me hooked like an addict again.

Denver

^^^^^^^

I meant to add that I am having some trust issues right now. W knows that I am paranoid about what she is doing and where she is going. Not because I have said anything... but she either senses it or just expects it based on everything. She even offered to forward me an email from her boss about her show Sunday night bc she thought that I didn't believe that she really had that show. I told her that was not the case and that she didn't need to send it to me.

W was also very deliberate in spelling out her plans for every day from now through the end of June. She did this by saying how busy her next couple of weeks are and then going through everything that she has going on.

Even with all of this... I find myself wanting to contact her to confirm... and even drive by her place. I haven't done any of this, but I am very paranoid.

She went to an open mic show at a wine bar on Tuesday night ... posted her status on FB that she was there listening to music. I wondered if that was to throw me off.

She had plans to go to dinner with a girlfriend last night... her friend had posted on FB a few days earlier that she would see W on Tuesday night. I wondered if W put her friend up to posting that to throw me off.

I THINK that this is my mind playing tricks with me... but it has really bothered me the past couple of days.

Not sure how to change this.

Denver

Yup. FAR from the best place to be.



Instead of telling her something that isn't true. Thank her for understanding.

You don't trust her right now...despite your desire too, and saying so doesn't make it true.


Since I am a proponent of verifying trust. I am not going to say don't verify.

I am going to warn you from experience of going overboard. Because, when that happens, you will keep looking until you find something that confirms your suspicisons. No matter how flimsy it is.

Example?

Drive by her house, and no OM truck...then widening your search to the next 5 blocks, seeing a truck that could be his in front of someones house...That biotch!

Fine line where you're the crazy one.

Denver..Denver...Denver!

I understand the trust issues.......but to me it reads as a control issue. I see her bending over backwards to let you know that she is being faithful....( maybe she is , maybe she isn't ). But... she is willing to let you know what she is "UP " to. You need to let go of this... Stay OFF the facebook, give her time to come around. Stick to your plan and your values.
Your going to drive yourself crazy.

Quote " I'm emotionally exhausted and paranoid," unquote.
I think your mind is playing tricks on you.

So what does Denver have planned.besides worrying and fretting?

I dont mean to sound harsh.....
But your focus should be on you, becoming the best Denver that U can. And get some rest!!

Sunny

The 'how' is easy, once you figure out the 'why'.....

Denver:

I envy you and am glad im not you at the same time. Its obvious why I envy you but I was thinking today. What IF my W did come back, how paranoid would I be that she couldnt get the OM out of her system. Not saying this to fuel your fire Denver, because god knows it wouldnt take much, but just for you to take a giant step back and look at your sitch.

Right now you are driving yourself nuts with paranoia right. Im not sure if this is the right approach but at this point, you are experiencing something that you didnt think possible, your wif's possible return. What have you got to lose right now? For all intents and purposes, she was gone right. So if she does betray your trust, you are were you thought you'd be a couple of weeks ago. What Im trying to say , and not having much success is that you have to let her go and hope that she chooses the right path. That she will come back to you and be your wife again like she was before all this shite happened.

To keep looking over your shoulder will drive you crazy and you are to good to be reduced to that. Its a tough call Denver but I think at this point you have to accept that she is not with OM and if you find out that she is , Well then its over in Chicago as they say.

Did any of this make sense to you?

9

In a way, I know that it is. But I also feel that it is my subconscious trying to protect myself from being hurt and taken advantage of. I've NEVER NOT trusted my W. This is a new emotion that I've never dealt with before with her.




I realize that, most likely, this is all that is happening. And yes, I feel like I am driving myself to the loony house.



In a way, I know that it is. But I also feel that it is my subconscious trying to protect myself from being hurt and taken advantage of. I've NEVER NOT trusted my W. This is a new emotion that I've never dealt with before with her.




You don't sound harsh at all. You are right. I don't have much planned. I'm doing my best to get some work done. Other than that, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am basically just trying to get through the rest of June.

With that being said, I am going to the gym daily and I am sure that I will go out with some buddies on either Friday or Saturday night. My daughter arrives for her visit on July 1st and then SS returns home from visiting his dad on July 2nd.

I expect that W and I will see each other quite a bit after that.

Damn 9 ... it did. You are right. And I know that what I am feeling is about lack of control. What I want to do more than anything is to call W, ask her about the last 2 nights, and hope to get some reassurance.

What good would that do? Nothing... realistically. She could lie to me.

I have no choice but to trust her to do the right thing... like you said.

And if something is happening during this time that we are 'taking space'... the reality is that I will probably never know.

THAT is what drives me crazy.

Thanks 9. It helps to talk it out and get feedback.

I would love to here from Cat or 25... You guys have a way of talking me down from my ledges!

Denver