Since you're booking the trip, is it possible to have some separate excursions while you're there?
I can see how it would be pretty difficult to maintain the fine-balance you're walking.
Then she wouldn't feel smothered, and you wouldn't be second-guessing every thing you say. That would be pretty tiring, and maybe impossible.
I agree with the "no pressure" comments. Don't think of a stop sign!
I don't know about the separate excursions. If I suggest it, I risk my W perceiving it as me not wanting to spend the time with she and SS. This was a HUGE deal when we were together and one of the biggest reasons that she left me.
It is very difficult walking this tight rope. Very, very difficult.
Denver
Then go on lots of crazy endorphin-releasing rides!
You will be a master tight-rope walker soon.
I wonder if this quote thingy I'm attempting is going to work...
It's not the worst, you are pretty transparent to her anyway.
Your boundary can only be your boundary (not one someone else tries to set for you). It will only work if you are in a position to set it as well--which you might be. You also might not be. You can tell by your nonverbals (we can't tell that--but we CAN tell that she is still interested in you).
Yes, I have been very transparent with her throughout this whole ordeal. I decided very early on that I would be bc that was a big problem with our R... that I hid things, didn't express myself, and withdrew when I was upset with something. So it was one of my 180s. I guess that sometimes it does hurt me with my attempts to reconcile the M. Another catch 22 that I find myself in... and there are plenty.
My boundary is one that I feel very prepared to enforce. I just can't imagine myself not following through with what I've put in place if she crosses it. That is just how I feel.
Of course I would look at the specific circumstances and make a decision if that does happen. For example, if he were to call her and she talked to him. I may not go to the courthouse and file for D if that is all that happened...
Thanks Dbmod!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My boundary is one that I feel very prepared to enforce. I just can't imagine myself not following through with what I've put in place if she crosses it. That is just how I feel.
Of course I would look at the specific circumstances and make a decision if that does happen. For example, if he were to call her and she talked to him. I may not go to the courthouse and file for D if that is all that happened...
Denver,
It might be good for you to think about this ahead of time, in the calm of the moment. To figure out how many "strikes" you are willing to abide. (One, but only if she self-confesses it? One, even if YOU find out she lied about it? Two? Three? Other?)
This wouldn't be something you would convey to your wife, but just to hold in your heart so that you don't have to make this decision in the stress of the moment, if or when re-contact should occur.
Just a thought; I'd seen that advocated elsewhere, and it seemed like a good idea to me.
Thanks Starsky. That seems like a good idea. I will.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Now I'm not sure anyone here would put money on your OM to be a fine upstanding guy. More like a clinger, you know the type the one who doesn't give up when the girlfriend says its over, a desperate fool who thinks if he just hangs on long enough she'll see the light...sort of like...most LBSes at first. ; )
So, do you see where I might be going here Denver?
I ask because several times I could have jumped to the horrible wrong conclusion.
You drive by her house, and he is outside talking with her.
Is that strike one?
Maybe she is talking to him because after 30 minutes of knocking and ringing the doorbell she got tired of it, and while 'we' can say call the cops...thats not the reality. Despite what we wish, or want. Outside rather than inside, public rather than private.
If you're going to call strikes, make sure your a good umpire.
Is this hypothetical? Absolutely. Am I clouding the issue? I hope not, sometimes a strike is 100% Black and White.
Sometimes it takes a little time to figure out. And it is hard not to jump to a conclusion.
Trust... I believe it is more...honest to tell her that you want to trust her and you are learning too again.
But, that is just me.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Now I'm not sure anyone here would put money on your OM to be a fine upstanding guy. More like a clinger, you know the type the one who doesn't give up when the girlfriend says its over, a desperate fool who thinks if he just hangs on long enough she'll see the light...sort of like...most LBSes at first. ; )
So, do you see where I might be going here Denver?
I ask because several times I could have jumped to the horrible wrong conclusion.
You drive by her house, and he is outside talking with her.
Is that strike one?
Maybe she is talking to him because after 30 minutes of knocking and ringing the doorbell she got tired of it, and while 'we' can say call the cops...thats not the reality. Despite what we wish, or want. Outside rather than inside, public rather than private.
If you're going to call strikes, make sure your a good umpire.
Is this hypothetical? Absolutely. Am I clouding the issue? I hope not, sometimes a strike is 100% Black and White.
Sometimes it takes a little time to figure out. And it is hard not to jump to a conclusion.
Trust... I believe it is more...honest to tell her that you want to trust her and you are learning too again.
But, that is just me.
Funny... I was just thinking of this very topic when I decided to jump on DB and saw your post.
For the most part I do trust W to tell me the truth, although that has been somewhat dented by her omission in May.
I know that I need to trust her... otherwise, what is the point in trying to save the M anyway?
I know that my W has a history of being VERY trustworthy...
For some reason, still struggling with it a bit.
Your hypothetical raises the thought that this may not be as simple as I hope.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I booked a trip to Disney World for W, SS, D and myself for July. I forwarded the itinerary to W this morning with a simple message that I was excited bc I had never been and I finally get to meet Minnie Mouse.
I also purchased some concert tickets for W, SS and myself to go see Death Cab for Cutie in August. W and I had talked about taking SS last week bc SS is a fan. Forwarded that to W as well.
W called a couple of hours later and sounded excited about the trip and was happy about the concert tickets as well.
W told me that she is going out with her music partner (her girlfriend) tonight to go listen to some open mike night at a place where they play a lot.
W and I talked a little about the application for private school for SS and then we got off the phone.
Haven't heard from her since... and really not expecting to. On both Saturday and Sunday, she did not contact me after she left for her shows. I don't expect her to contact me tonight either.
I'm trying to remember that she and I discussed her taking some serious personal time in June. It seems more difficult not to have contact with her after we spend a lot of time together like we did last week.
So I guess that I am going through some W withdrawals and feeling a little down today.
Plus, there is a good chance that I won't see her for a couple of weeks. W has plans with other girlfriends both tomorrow and Wednesday night. Then she leaves to visit a couple of friends (2 different places) and will be gone until July 2nd.
That is it for now.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It seems more difficult not to have contact with her after we spend a lot of time together like we did last week.
So I guess that I am going through some W withdrawals and feeling a little down today.
Plus, there is a good chance that I won't see her for a couple of weeks.
You love her. I respect that. I also know you're just "talking it out" here on the boards.
I don't want to drill you on the negative, so I won't. However, I will give you another word of caution...the way your feeling WILL somehow come out to your wife. I truly believe as transparent as you are, you will somehow SHOW her these feelings; even if you don't say a word. I think it's absolutely mandatory that your actions at this point show strength. When you are the most down, is when you can come across at your worst.
Suck it up and go do something that gets your mind off of this. She is living her space; you need to live yours. You have NO control over what she feels or wants; just be the best Denver you can be, and most importantly be happy without her.
She is definitely watching you and that's good. However, being available and weak WILL hurt you. Stay strong and GAL more than usual. Anything! Just do something different while she goes away. Do something that SHOWS you didn't pine over her the whole time without her. Give her YOUR "story" after her good time with friends.
Show her you can live without her and still have fun. The goal is to share this together, not depend on each other for either of yourselves happiness.
It seems more difficult not to have contact with her after we spend a lot of time together like we did last week.
So I guess that I am going through some W withdrawals and feeling a little down today.
Plus, there is a good chance that I won't see her for a couple of weeks.
You love her. I respect that. I also know you're just "talking it out" here on the boards.
I don't want to drill you on the negative, so I won't. However, I will give you another word of caution...the way your feeling WILL somehow come out to your wife. I truly believe as transparent as you are, you will somehow SHOW her these feelings; even if you don't say a word. I think it's absolutely mandatory that your actions at this point show strength. When you are the most down, is when you can come across at your worst.
Suck it up and go do something that gets your mind off of this. She is living her space; you need to live yours. You have NO control over what she feels or wants; just be the best Denver you can be, and most importantly be happy without her.
She is definitely watching you and that's good. However, being available and weak WILL hurt you. Stay strong and GAL more than usual. Anything! Just do something different while she goes away. Do something that SHOWS you didn't pine over her the whole time without her. Give her YOUR "story" after her good time with friends.
Show her you can live without her and still have fun. The goal is to share this together, not depend on each other for either of yourselves happiness.
Ugh... I know that you are right Faith. I hate GAL! LOL... I know that I need to do it, but I would much rather do nothing than force myself to go out and do things that I don't care to really do. Just venting here.
I have started going back to the gym and am somewhat focused on that. I'm also trying to refocus on work... which isn't going well so far.
Do my feelings of missing my W come out to her even though I don't say anything? I don't know. Maybe you are right. But I have been pretty good about NOT initiating contact with her, and sounding very happy every time she contacts me.
I am determined NOT to contact her when I am feeling this way, or feeling insecure or in need of reassurance. I may have messed up yesterday with that, but that was a little different bc I was getting ready to book a very expensive trip.
Anyway... your point is well taken.
I am curious about what 'negative' that you elected not to 'drill' me on... I can take it Faith...
Thanks man.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
