Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My faith gives me the courage to move forward

h offered to buy me a new washer and dryer last week.

Why did he offer to do that? I have a feeling maybe he's doing it to play the "nice guy" card so that you won't turn against him about the tax issue.

Have you seen a L yet? I thought you said you were planning to see one to protect your assets and your son.

I feel like the other posters, that he is trying to play the nice guy role, just to get you to go along with whatever he wants you to do, like signing tax papers. He knows from the past that you can be led easily. Be very careful with him, he seems a bit sinister to me, asking about your life insurance. That's just not the sort of thing a man who has left his wife and child just comes up with unless there is a very good reason.

And make sure your sons college money is well protected. Do not let him get his hands on that. Surely you have already done that?? Otherwise your son is going to be asking you next year when it comes time for the financial aid paperwork to be filled out what happened to the money. Right now you and your son are more important than getting your H back. See that lawyer, and get the answers you need.

Your H has to figure himself out, let him be and take care of your son and yourself. And by the way, how is your son doing now? How is he emotionally handling all this?

Also, you said you were afraid of losing the house y'all inherited? Why not sell it, before that can happen, and pay off any debts with the proceeds?

And, rysmom, please don't take what everyone says as being hateful, we are all just trying to help you. None of us is saying for you to just give up on your marriage, until YOU are ready to do so. We are frustrated, wanting to help with good advice; common sense advice, and it sometimes seems that you ignore it and have no response at all.

Good luck, I hope you get the info you need soon.
vc

I didn't file yet. I am afraid i will have a breakdown going thru d process, but i think i should do something. I was feeling very depressed this past week.
I emailed h an article from rejoice ministries written by a man that went back to his wife after being gone for 2 yrs. he was saying to the prodigal h to go back to your family for father's day. I figured what do i have to lose I got no response and he deleted it.

I played tennis with lawyer friend on wed. He was telling me how things were going good with his new girlfriend. I feel like im playing second fiddle to him, and i don't like it. I don't think its going to work out for them because he told me he is prejudice and he just found out that her kids are half minority. That would not be fair to her kids if they married.

My son is doing well. he is going to work with h everyday. son is very critical of me and it drives me crazy. i guess its a norman teenage thing. i hope it passes. he did very good on his final report card. he and i went to his school for guidance meeting about colleges yesterday. its difficult for me to do these things on my own sometimes without h. the family before us had both parents there and i felt like a loser that i lost my h.

Well, first of all, you are not a loser. Your H is the one to violate your vows. You know you are doing the right thing by remaining faithful, even though you know that you have the Biblical right to D him on grounds of adultery. When the conclusion comes, either you will have him back or the separation will be made final. But, know this, you did not cause him to become unfaithful, that's his own choice.
And my son who is only one year older than yours is full of sass and backtalk and criticism at times, so I would say yes it's normal. But he and I get along so well 99% of the time.
I am sure you won't be the only parent who does the whole college search without their spouse, so take some comfort in that, you are not alone.

rysmom,

Are you still in therapy? You really need to talk someone NOW. Here's what I see in your posts:

"I didn't file yet. I am afraid i will have a breakdown going thru d process, but i think i should do something. I was feeling very depressed this past week."

Let me tell you something. You're not going to have a breakdown. You ARE having a breakdown. Right now. And you've been in one for awhile. Do you want to stay in the hole you're standing in now or do you want to climb your way out? Only you can do it for yourself. No one else.

"I emailed h an article from rejoice ministries written by a man that went back to his wife after being gone for 2 yrs. he was saying to the prodigal h to go back to your family for father's day. I figured what do i have to lose I got no response and he deleted it."

Yes you do have alot to lose. You lose your self-respect. It shows your neediness. STOP IT! When are you going to start getting yourself strong? Plus, how do you know he deleted it? Are you still checking his email? STOP IT! STOP OBSESSING! And besides, how do you know he doesn't have another email setup somewhere that you don't know of?

Ever see Lord of the Rings? You're acting like the gollum who was obsessed with the ring. You need to get out and break the relationship's hold on you. If not, you will get dragged into madness like the gollum character. It's not an attractive analogy, but it's a fitting one. Your obsession is corrupting you. Which is why you were so judgemental about your tennis friend. You ever notice you have a way of alienating those who show you an ounce of care and compassion? It's why your H won't come home.

"I played tennis with lawyer friend on wed. He was telling me how things were going good with his new girlfriend. I feel like im playing second fiddle to him, and i don't like it. I don't think its going to work out for them because he told me he is prejudice and he just found out that her kids are half minority."

You said that you were planning to just be friends with this man. From what I saw he was just being friendly to you. Yet you say "second fiddle". You aren't even third fiddle. He was being a friend to you. Nothing more. Then when you judge his relationship with another person by saying he's prejudiced. That's mean-spirited and rude. It's none of your business. This just shows that you had feelings for him and are sad that he didn't see you as anything other than a friend. It's bitter and immature.

"My son is doing well. he is going to work with h everyday. son is very critical of me and it drives me crazy. i guess its a norman teenage thing. i hope it passes."

Your son is not acting critical of you because it's a "normal" teenage thing. He sees you the same way the rest of us do. As a weak woman who won't stand up and get herself well. A number of posters told you this would happen with your son, but you refused to listen. I can guarantee you that his next step will be to move out and live with your H. How would you feel about losing your son? If you don't want to, then you need to stop being so weak.

"its difficult for me to do these things on my own sometimes without h."

It's been 4 years. When is it NOT going to be difficult for you? You haven't even attempted to have a civil relationship with your H. Your responses are either of condemnation or silence. Both are conflict avoidance tactics to protect yourself. Do something about it or do nothing and lose everything.

Bond,

If Rys asks you not to post to her after that, please don't. I hate to see you moderated. : )

Rys, Bond has made some very valid points. I hope rather than get offended at him you really take the time to see he is trying to get you to see somethings you don't seem willing to see.

JTB,

As far as I know, rysmom hasn't asked me to stop posting to her. She had sent the message to someone else as far as I can tell. She knows that I can be harsh, but I always go back to the message that she can pull herself out of this if SHE CHOOSES to. BTW, I think you've been doing a great job at moderating things. I wouldn't want your job for the world.

rysmom,

Many wise posters have come and gone on your thread because you end up back at square one. Like MWD says, do something different. I've seen you sink to your lowest lows and see you losing everything that you have. Yet you come back and keep asking why.

Here's a question for you that I hope you answer. In what manner can we communicate to you so that you'll actually listen and act on our suggestions? Holding your hand doesn't work, tough love doesn't work. So what will work?