I try to reiterate to my W every time that we do have R talk that I am not trying to pressure her and that I am willing to give her as much time as she needs... albeit with the boundary that I have set.
I meant to mention in my update above that I reiterated my W today that I didn't mean to pressure her, that I am still willing to give her as much time as she needs... albeit with the boundary.
Denver,
Just trying to clarify: is your boundary with your wife that you cannot remain in the marriage if she is "with" OM, or if she is in CONTACT with him?
My deep concern here is that the former is an awfully squishy one to define, and a slippery slope, whereas "no contact means no contact."
I called her a bit later after her text. I explained to her that I was not trying to get any kind of answer from her, that I agreed that there are never guarantees in life, and that I understood that. I told her my hesitancy had to do with me feeling afraid of being hurt. That I would be extremely hurt if we went on this trip and then, when we got back, all of a sudden she told me that she was done... or was back to hanging out with OM.
Meh. In my opinion, this not only makes you look needy (unattractive), Denver, it also just opens up a new debate with your wife (which in fact happened).
I think you should neither make this about money, nor tell her that you're afraid of being "hurt." What if you just said "I'd really like to go, too, but I'm just not sure this is such a great idea right now, considering where we are with everything" or something like that?
Not to sound cruel or anything, but I really don't think your wife cares much about you being "hurt" in her current mindset (she's still displaying a lot of anger and entitlement). That doesn't make it RIGHT, but that's how she feels right now, and you have to deal with that.
When I say "Don't think of a stop sign." What do you think of? Almost everyone thinks of the sign. When you repeatedly tell your wife you don't want to pressure her, I don't imagine that's having the reassuring effect you think it is. Just food for thought.
I can see how much you want this to work out and how hard you're trying to walk a very fine line with your wife,, staying connected while giving her space. I have some idea how hard this can be.
When I say "Don't think of a stop sign." What do you think of? Almost everyone thinks of the sign. When you repeatedly tell your wife you don't want to pressure her, I don't imagine that's having the reassuring effect you think it is. Just food for thought.
You know, you might be right. I hadn't thought of this Count, but it is a very good point.
thanks Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Since you're booking the trip, is it possible to have some separate excursions while you're there?
I can see how it would be pretty difficult to maintain the fine-balance you're walking.
Then she wouldn't feel smothered, and you wouldn't be second-guessing every thing you say. That would be pretty tiring, and maybe impossible.
I agree with the "no pressure" comments. Don't think of a stop sign!
I don't know about the separate excursions. If I suggest it, I risk my W perceiving it as me not wanting to spend the time with she and SS. This was a HUGE deal when we were together and one of the biggest reasons that she left me.
It is very difficult walking this tight rope. Very, very difficult.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Just trying to clarify: is your boundary with your wife that you cannot remain in the marriage if she is "with" OM, or if she is in CONTACT with him?
My deep concern here is that the former is an awfully squishy one to define, and a slippery slope, whereas "no contact means no contact." Starsky
My boundary is that OM is not to be in her life. I understand that they will have incidental contact with work on rare occasions, but I've told W that I am walking if she is talking to him or seeing him otherwise.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think you should neither make this about money, nor tell her that you're afraid of being "hurt." What if you just said "I'd really like to go, too, but I'm just not sure this is such a great idea right now, considering where we are with everything" or something like that?
Not to sound cruel or anything, but I really don't think your wife cares much about you being "hurt" in her current mindset (she's still displaying a lot of anger and entitlement). That doesn't make it RIGHT, but that's how she feels right now, and you have to deal with that. Starsky
I'm fairly confident that you are right Starsky. She doesn't care a whole lot about my hurt right now. She is still focused very much on her own anger, hurt and yes, entitlement. I'm doing the best that I can to deal with it and remembering that there will be a time and a place for us to deal with my hurt.
You may also be right about me looking needy yesterday. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but more than anything, I needed to confirm that my boundary was not being crossed before I booked this trip. W told me that it wasn't, I have to trust her, so I'm going forward with the trip.
I'm going to do my very best to make the most of the time that we have together.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It seems to me like you're between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to remember how the potential trip even happened. I think you said in the previous thread that it was planned during your previous reconciliation? If you do book it, can you use the opportunity to make her feel understood?
I had brought it up as a possibility in our previous reconciliation.. or whatever you want to call it. It got dropped for more than a month. The W brought it up out of the blue a week ago.
I am going to book it... go on the trip... try to make her feel understood as you suggest... and try to make it a great trip for all of us.
Thanks Toon!
BITS Denver
GREAT idea.
Have FUN.
Love isn't always fun, but fun very often leads to love. Don't use it as 'hash it out' time. Use it to your advantage.
I think you should neither make this about money, nor tell her that you're afraid of being "hurt." What if you just said "I'd really like to go, too, but I'm just not sure this is such a great idea right now, considering where we are with everything" or something like that?
Not to sound cruel or anything, but I really don't think your wife cares much about you being "hurt" in her current mindset (she's still displaying a lot of anger and entitlement). That doesn't make it RIGHT, but that's how she feels right now, and you have to deal with that. Starsky
I'm fairly confident that you are right Starsky. She doesn't care a whole lot about my hurt right now. She is still focused very much on her own anger, hurt and yes, entitlement. I'm doing the best that I can to deal with it and remembering that there will be a time and a place for us to deal with my hurt.
You may also be right about me looking needy yesterday. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but more than anything, I needed to confirm that my boundary was not being crossed before I booked this trip. W told me that it wasn't, I have to trust her, so I'm going forward with the trip.
I'm going to do my very best to make the most of the time that we have together.
It's not the worst, you are pretty transparent to her anyway.
Your boundary can only be your boundary (not one someone else tries to set for you). It will only work if you are in a position to set it as well--which you might be. You also might not be. You can tell by your nonverbals (we can't tell that--but we CAN tell that she is still interested in you).
