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Wow, I can't believe it has been almost two weeks since I last posted. I continue to go through a roller coaster of emotions. Last week I was feeling pretty good, trying to be optimistic and forcing myself to smile and be happy. It was working. I believe my wife was noticing as well, since I started trying the 180, portraying to her that my life will be great no matter what happens.

Then this week comes along and I can't talk or look at her without starting to tear up (cry). I have even tried going dark to get a handle on myself, but it seems we are always in contact regarding kids, selling the house, and finishing up the paperwork for divorce.

The only positive thing is that my wife has past the phase of hating me and being scared of me (I have no idea why she was scared). We are friends. She still does not talk on the phone as much as I would like, but it is a lot more than it was two months ago. Heck, she even went shopping with me for clothes. I have lost 40 lbs since this all started, and none of my pants fit me anymore. It was a good time. Then again, I wonder if I am making things worse by staying away to give her a chance to miss me. I would love the opinion of others.

I am excited about this weekend. My family has a gorgeous cabin in the mountains here in Utah, and we are having a mini family reunion there. I have the kids as well, so it should be a blast. We will probably finish the holiday weekend by going to a park and watching the fireworks on Monday night. Yeah!

I just wanted to write some things that are passing through my mind today.

The 4th of July weekend was fun. I had my kids the whole time. We enjoyed going up to the family cabin on Saturday. Other family members saw a bear within a mile of the cabin. Kids had to sleep inside after that.

On Monday we went to fireworks show at a local park. It was a little difficult due to the fact that I remembered that one of our first dates before marrying was doing the exact same thing. I even saw the tree that we sat under 12 years ago......

There have been some difficult times. I noticed on her facebook that she changed her status on her relationship from married to its complicated. She also had some pictures of her and her friends at a night club on Saturday night. The clothes she was wearing she would have never worn previously during our marriage to a night club. I mentioned to her that a family member told me about this (she unfriended me earlier saying that she wants her privacy regarding facebook). Needless to say I should not have mentioned anything. She immediately blocked all of my family members and was upset.

I am reading the DR for the second time. One thing that has helped me understand its concepts better is highlighting the portions that stand out to me.

I definitely need to make some changes. One thing I am having a hard time with is should I do the 180 or LRT. I am currently flip flopping between the two as well as pursuing her. I know, stop the pursuing, but it is hard. Stupid me.

To let you know where we are at, the divorce paperwork is almost finalyzed. We have done everything without the aid of attorney's. At least, I don't believe she has had one. I have a meeting next Wednesday with an attorney just to review the paperwork to make sure I made no stupid concessions or mistakes. Afterwards, paperwork will be signed and the divorce final probably within a month. Things have moved very quickly.

Going back to the 180 vs LRT. Under the section stop the chase, I'm currently doing only 6 of the 11 bullets of things that I should not be doing. Ha ha ha. Had to throw some humor in. But seriously, I need to do better.

Which leads me to this.
Goal 1 - No more looking at her facebook. Try to take this a day at a time.
Goal 2 - Move out of parents house into an apartment. It will be tough financially, but I just can't feel like a man without having my own place.
Goal 3 - Become more spiritual. I could use the help. This includes reading 5 pages a day from the scriptures, and attending church at least once a month.
Goal 4 - GAL. During the marriage I never had a need to have friends. My family was everything. I am currently thinking of ways to do this. I could use some input from others....

Thanks for reading, please write some replys, I could use the company.

Just logged in to continue documenting my experiences.

The past two days have been difficult. Very little contact with my wife. Just a few txt messages and one brief phone call initiated by the wife regarding selling the house. I do not answer back immediately. One hard thing is that I believe that she believes I am not returning her messages quickly just to be a jerk or because I am mad. Is this how the LRT works? When we spoke earlier today, I forced myself to sound happy and cut the conversation off quickly by saying that I had to get back to work. I did not notice any reaction from her.

Working on GAL. I just got back from playing raquette ball with a friend from work. It was good to be out doing something.

On the drive home I called the house to speak with the children to see how they are doing. My oldest S10 told me that my wife had told him awhile back that we are never getting back together. I guessed he had asked. That hurt a lot at first, then I remembered reading something about you can only believe 50% of what a WAW says. Plus, she probably wanted for him not to have any hope in the near future. Or it is true...

My wife and I have now been separated for almost 4 months. One of the most difficult things for me is being patient. I am a man, I see something, I go after it. I no know that this is the worst thing I can be doing, so I have been studying up on trials and patience. I found some things that may help others. The following is part of a discourse from a leader of my religion.

"From my experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen-patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn't appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can-working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed."

I believe that patience is a heavenly virtue that we must all cling too. The best way to learn it is through our trials. I guess Heavenly Father gives each of us different trials to learn this heavenly attribute and to grow. I am reminded that the children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before entering into the promised land. Jacob waited 7 years before he could marry Rachel.

One positive change that I have noticed in myself is that I am much more empathetic to others that are having troubles. Before, I could care less. Now, I can understand their pain, even if their sorrows are different from mine.

Well, I hope this helps others that may come across my thread.

I can't help but think of Star Trek every time I make an entry into this electronic journal.

Captain Picard voice....."Captain's log, stardate 41153.7. My life and thoughts aimlessly drift through this great void we call space..."

Anyway, back to reality. My wife dropped the kids off at my work. I have them again for the weekend. We quickly spoke in my office about the status of the house. A neighbor is very interested in buying the house. The house might sell fairly quickly. I guess this is a blessing.

My wife seemed upbeat. She even commented that I looked good. I had bought some new pants (because I have lost 40 lbs since this all began) and wore a shirt she has not seen me in for a long time. I really did not respond other than say thank you. Part of me wanted to respond the way the Joker (Jack Nicholas) from Batman responded to a compliment from his girlfriend, "I didn't ask."

Within 3 minutes I brought the encounter to an end by saying goodbye. I think she was suprised that I did not try to talk to her more than I did. I acted upbeat the entire time, keyword here is acted.

I am a little bit upset with myself over something and wonder if others feel the same way. My wife lets me have the kids on the weekends so that she can go clubbing with her friends on Saturday nights. If you recall, this is where the security guard works. Part of me does not want to take care of the kids so that she can't go. I feel like she is using me as a babysitter so that she can go and enjoy here life. This is why I am mad at myself. I have to remind myself that I am fortunate to have the kids as much as I do, and to h*ll with what she does (detachment). I love having the kids around.

I would like to get the opinion of others on something, as well as share some advice. Shortly after I found the 50 txts a day for over a month to the security guard on her phone bill, I was in a wreck. I confronted her, but she claimed that he was just a friend. I was so frustrated because I felt like she was lying. I began to search for the truth.

Over the next month and a half I became obsessed. I added a keystroke logger onto the computer so that I could check her emails, facebook, and checking account. She had blocked me from all of these. The only thing I found during this time was the fact she bought an XXL shirt that appeared to be for the security guard. She obviously denied it saying that she had bought it for our son and happened to get the wrong size.

I also sent a friend that she did not know to the club a couple of times to keep an eye on her. Both she and the security guard were there, but never spoke to each other. She only danced with her friends, all girls. It appeared to be a typical girls night out.

I also had her followed numerous times that she went out to the movies or dinner with her friends, thinking that she might be meeting up with some guy. She had told me the truth every time.

I have to admit, every time I had her followed, I was convinced she was meeting up with a guy. I was out of control. This was the worst, I was not healthy physically or mentally. I finally realized that I needed to begin detaching myself. This is when I moved out.

It has helped the little bit that I have detached myself. It is very difficult though. I still can't help checking on her facebook and checking account. Eventually I need to do this as well.

I still have my doubts if she had an EA or PA. The only thing I could never check on again was the txt messages on her phone. At this moment, I believe that she did not have a PA. But then again, why is she rushing to have a divorce.....even though she has explained this to me (posted in an earlier post). I believe that I am over-analyzing things. This is driving me crazy.

I just wanted to add a few more things before I go to bed. I am 99% sure that my wife will go through with the divorce. Only a miracle will prevent this from happening. And even though I do believe in miracles, I just don't believe this one will happen for me.

Part of me wonders if this is for the best. I have read other individual's threads where the couple eventually divorced after months or years of trying to fix the marriage. It seems to me that the pain is worse for the LBS when the situation is dragged out. Don't get me wrong, I would love for the chance to still work on our marriage, but it reminds of peeling a band-aid off. The swifter, the less it hurts.

I am also scared to death of what may come after. I did not date much before I got married. I was one of the shy good guys that the women never noticed. (Why do women go after the bad guys anyway). Anyway, I have lots of self doubts that I have the skills to woo another woman. This is what scares me. I loved being able to share life with a companion, a lover, and friend. Now, I believe it will be along time before I get to experience this happiness again. Then again, I believe I will have a lot of trusts issues with women after this experience. GRRRRR!!!!! Plus, I truly feel like I will never meet someone as beautiful and loving as my wife. Well, the loving part is no longer true I guess...

I would love to hear back from anyone, I could use the advice or just words of comfort. Life right now is lonely, I feel like Tom Hanks from Castaway. I may begin to have a conversation with imaginary friends.

Here it is Sunday night. The weekend has been tough. I took the kids to go see Transformers on Saturday. We all enjoyed it. There was one part during the movie that my mind wandered back to the pending divorce. I can't even watch an action movie without the stupid thoughts of divorce, how I hurt, etc... popping up.

Saturday night was driving me crazy thinking about my wife going clubbing again. I really try not to, it is just hard. I just wanted to scream, cry, yell, not be born..... I hate moments like that. I had not heard a peep from the W all day Saturday.

I dropped the kids off at my old house at 6:15. I really did not want to see my wife. It still hurts to bad. I was hoping to drop the kids off then drive away without seeing her. When we arrived, she was waiting outside. She wanted to show me the interior of the house. She had cleaned it spotless in order to sell it. We had 4 people look at the house this weekend.

I went inside to look. I complimented her, then said that I needed to go. I believe I appeared happy the whole time, but I could not look her in the eye and just wanted to leave.

W: Why are you mad at me? (Looking at me strangely)

M: I'm not. (Appearing happy, but not looking at her eyes)

W: Why are you acting weird then.

M: I don't believe I'm acting weird. I promise, everything is ok and I'm not mad at you. I have plans and I am late. (I wanted to say "Couples about to divorce don't chit chat!")

W: You have plans??? Where are you going???

M: Just out.

W: O...k.... I will have the the divorce papers ready by Tuesday.

M: OK, I need them by Wednesday because that is when I will have my L review them. Bye

W: Bye

I could tell that she wanted me to stay longer to just talk. She almost had that pouty flirty look when I was telling her that I needed to go. She seemed very suprised and possibly hurt that I left so quickly without speaking to her much. I just really did not want too stay and talk unless it was about not going through the divorce. It hurts to much, and I'm afraid it would have led to R talk, then me crying. I will admit, I have led a fairly easy life. No deaths to close family members or friends, never really had my heart broken till now. I can now start to feel the walls go up around me that I have heard about from others to protect me. The walls are cold, but don't hurt as much.

Just heard Lying Eyes by the Eagles on the radio. Had to laugh.

It sure is lonely Sunday nights after dropping the kids off.

This has been a bad week. Met with a lawyer on Wednesday to receieve some final advice regarding the paperwork for divorce.

We both signed the paperwork today. Divorce should be finalyzed within 30 days. So this is what the bottom feels like. Well, I suppose it can only go up from here. Right now is difficult though.

Don't feel like writing more. I'll come back later after I am more composed to share the conversation with the wife after signing the paperwork.

I'm back, feeling a little bit better than this morning. Still frustrated though.

So my W and I go in to the court at 08:00 this morning to file the paperwork together with the help of one of her friends. It took about 15 min ti sign everything in front of the notary and to pay the fees. Tears are streaming down both of our faces the entire time, but not a word was spoken between us.

Afterwards we start heading back to our vehicles in the parking lot. At this point I'm thinking she doesn't even want to speak or say a word, fine, if that what she wants. She suddenly says goodbye to her friend than asks to speak with me in my truck. Tears are still rolling down our faces.

As soon as we enter she starts bawling, which gets me crying even more. She asks how did we let this get so far. I just say I'm sorry for not being a better husband and father. I tell her I feel like such a failure. She reasssures me that it was both of us, and that she feels like a failure as well.

She continues to tell me that she could not sleep at all last night and almost did not come down to file the paperwork, that she still loves me! I could feel and see in her eyes her love for me still. I'm thinking to myself, then why did you come down. She was so sure this was the best and only way to fix things, and now she has doubts and asks me if everything is going to be ok. WHAT??? I tell her everything is going to work out, comforting her.

She goes on saying taht she is scared and that she is alone. (All of her family lives in Chile). I tell her that I am still part of her family as she is mine. I will always be there for her. She then starts talking about how I look great, and she misses looking into my blue eyes. I guess this is a good sign, just weird that she starts mentioning it the day we sign our divorce papers.

We finally begin to compose ourselves. She finishes by telling me that she still needs time to heal herself, but she ends by promising me that we will have another chance to be together in the future.

I guess the journey continues. At the end of the day, my story will be a success story that I will share with the rest of you. I vow to DO the necessary HARD things to earn her trust and love again.