Thanks GAL Man.. I just know that the posts end up buried, so I don't actually think anyone is ignoring them, just think nobody sees them. Gosh I've been a rambling mess this week.. Sorry to anyone reading my stuff
To answer the question of friends and family. Friends - yes I have tons, and they are fabulous in supporting me but they all have young families of their own, so they can only help me out so much.. Also, they pretty much all hate my H for what's happened, so while I know they mean well, they are urging me to divorce and move on with my life. I have no family close by - and they don't help out with anything, as the 20 minute drive to my house is 'out of town'. They are nice people though and would support me on whatever decision I make. I love my family b/c they are my family, but we're just not very close. I have also started talking to an IC recently, who is pretty good.
Any free time I have I do my best to GAL - but my free time is limited with two little ones and nobody who is ever willing to babysit. My H comes by a few nights a week - but he's only here an hour - not really enough time to do anything...
Today has been a better day - I've calmed down quite a bit and whenever I get to spend time with the kids, I always feel better (thank goodness for weekends). I do continue to flip back and forth literally every 5 minutes about the divorce - one minute I think divorce is the best thing for ME to should I not give up quite yet. At the end of the day, it still doesn't feel 'right' to me - and even my H admits it doesn't feel 'right'. But he also says staying together doesn't feel 'right' either.
The only thought that I keep going back to is the antidepressants - thats the one piece where i wonder if giving up is the right thing to do, b/c I am 100% convinced he IS clinically depressed - and the fact that the dr prescribed him the meds makes me even more convinced. He just keeps saying how unhappy he is with his whole life. Maybe I'm the reason for his unhappiness, and maybe I'm not - I dont think we'll ever really know. But I keep thinking - I married in sickness and in health - and I wouldn't walk away from him if he had cancer, should I walk away from him now? Obviously I am not going to have this discussion with him as its such a personal private thing for him, but I have to wonder if he's even in the right state of mind to be making major life decisions. He's only been on meds for three weeks - is there a possibility of the meds kicking in in a few months? I'm by no means naive enough to think that meds could magically make him love me or anything silly like that, but I have to wonder that if meds do eventually help him, and the fog lifts a bit, then maybe he won't think our marriage is so awful. Or maybe he will still think that, which is okay too - as long as he is making that decision with a clear head. Does that make sense? I don't know what to think anymore.. gosh I just wish I could have FIVE minutes where I wasn't thinking about anything...
Shannon - I've only just noticed your posts.. I am so sorry you are going through this... nobody deserves that. You seem so strong though (although I'm sure you probably don't feel it). You definitely have to do what feels right in your gut... Unfortunately my gut keeps changing its mind. I want to be so angry with him b/c someone I think that will make it easier for me. I don't know whats worse, being more angry, or feeling more hurt. I guess its 6 one way, half a dozen the other. Obviously we probably all feel angry and hurt all at the same time. I just wish I could be MORE angry. I dont know why. Anyways, I will be thinking of you always, and wishing you happiness. Your children need you, and regardless of what the future holds, they will know you love them more than anything in the world - certainly more than you could ever love H. At least thats what I'm hoping for..
So its officially been one week since my H told me he was looking to rent his own house. He's been gone for over 8 months now, yet this still hurt a lot. For some reason the fact that he was living with his Mom still gave me a little bit of hope that he may come back. Now I'm sure he's about to sign a 1-year lease. He really hasn't said two words to me since our 'talk' on Friday night. The odd text here and there asking about the kids, or making kid arrangements. No more kissed good bye - which up until Friday he ALWAYS did - even if it was just on my forehead. He actually seems mad at ME. I've been very pleasant though during our few interactions, and I actually haven't contacted him once. I've only responded to the odd text he has sent me. There's so much stuff I want to talk to him about - not relationship talk - just life stuff! Up until a few months ago, he was still my best friend. I still told him everything that was going on in my life etc - even though he didn't really talk about his life - but thats nothing new. I want to tell him about the stuff going on at work, I want to tell him the neighbourhood gossip, I want to complain about my family, I just want to talk to him the way we used to. He's been gone so long now that I've somewhat accepted that he will never love me again, but I'm finding this is the hardest part, letting go of my best friend. I don't even feel like I can babble on about our kids and all the cute or not so cute stuff they've been doing. I know he loves our kids, but he just seems so uninterested in talking to me. He's not mean or anything, and will answer me if I ask a question, he just seems like he has no emotion left for anything. Even when our kids are acting like little hams, where my gutt is about to burst from laughing so hard at them, he is just barely smiling. I am starting to get really worried about him. I know he says the anti-depressants he's on aren't really helping, I just wish wish WISH he would keep talking to someone, or tell the doctor they aren't helping or something. He is just SO UNHAPPY. The unhappiness just POURS out of him right now. I love him to death and I want him to be happy - I just honestly truly don't think he is going to be any happier if we get divorced. And that's the part I struggle with the most - if I knew he would truly be happier without me, I think eventually I would be able to accept that, and I love him enough to let him go. But if he's not going to be any happier, well what's the point? Okay enough babbling about this. I'm been having okay days. I'm crying less - but every time I see him packing something or notice that a drawer has been emptied, I feel sick to my stomach all over again. Last day of school is tomorrow for my 5 yo, so I am hoping to take some days off here and there to take the kids on some day trips. I also finally got my little one into the same daycare as the older one - after an entire year - so my life is about to get a little bit easier in terms of drop offs and pick ups (right now i spend about 90 minutes a daily simply dropping them off at at school/daycare, and picking them up from two different daycares). So the kids are excited to do some fun stuff this summer. I want to make it as fun as I can for them. I'm also planning a short trip with my closest friend, who is going through a very similar thing right now (although in her case, she wants to leave her H b/c he is an alcoholic and compulsive gambler). Funny thing is that her H and my H are good friends - the four of us used to live across the street from each other and pretty much became best friends. They moved about an hour away, but we're still close. The guys don't talk much though. Its so weird, we are both going through he** in our marriages - and I'm the one whose been 'left' and she is the one about to do the 'leaving' yet I would much rather be in my shoes. I can't even imagine what she is going through. Her H treats her like total garbage. My H has never done that to me - and never would, and is appalled at the way his friend is treating his wife. So in some ways, my life isn't so bad. I try to remind myself of this as much as I can though its hard..
So tell me - is there really any reason for me to hang on to any hope? I know only I can truly know and decide when its time to move on, but I really don't see my marriage ever reconciling. Should I still not believe the stuff he says and does? I'm really struggling with that one right now... sigh...
So H signed the lease on his new place tonight. I congratulated him and wished him all the best. I'm so empty right now. Its like there is nothing left inside of me. When he came to see the kids earlier, he told me - we were outside, and I had sunglasses on, but my eyes welled up and i just couldn't help it. I'm sure he saw a few tears. I just can't stop myself sometimes. How do you tell your emotions to f-off and force yourself not to cry. Honestly other than our big divorce talk last week, he really hasn't caught me crying much lately. I try so hard not to let him see me get upset, but there are certain things that just bring me back to the reality that our lives will never be the same. I am dreading him actually moving all his stuff out. Just when I think I can't feel any worse... I just think back to all our years together, and even at the worst of times (which I don't think were all that horrible), I used to think, okay this is just a tough time, we'll get through it - we belong together and we love each other to death. Its so painful to know that he can just throw away everything and walk away. And I know the ONLY way he would do that (because he IS a good man) is if he truly felt no love for me anymore. That stings more than anything.
ughh this week has been so draining. H moved into his new place, and therefore couldn't come to see the kids at all which also means I don't get any breaks at all.. He just called me to tell me he had someone offer to buy our boat, so he thought we should probably do it. That means he REALLY doesn't see us having a future together as he says there is nowhere for us to even put the boat anymore as his new house is too small - no where to put it. I can't help but think that its time to just throw in the towel. I haven't had hope for several months now. His decision to move out of his Mum's (huge) house into his own place just feels so permanent. He has started bringing up division of property etc. I guess thats it, I guess he's finally decided to just end things. he called me this morning for the first time in ages to tell me about the boat and to tell me that he wasn't coming to see the kids again tonight b/c he has to be home for the gas guy to hook up the gas. He seems so happy now, which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't know how to do 180's anymore. I don't know how to be bright and cheery when i see or talk to him. I am just very down this week and he sees that. I don't know how to GAL any more than what I am already doing since I only get a break for about 30 minutes on the nights that he does come, and some saturdays. When I actually am doing stuff he never really sees it. Did lots of fun stuff with the kids this weekend, esp since Friday was a holiday for us. H missed everything. As usual. I'm so grateful for my children and my girlfriends and I am trying really hard at this point to figure out a way to get over him and just feel better. Feel like I used to. Not feel broken. I am trying to convince myself that this is all his loss, and eventually - hopefully - i will find someone else who blows my mind and makes me wonder why I stayed with H so long. I'm trying. Most days it doesn't work though I'm actually okay when I haven't seen or spoke to him for a while, but then when we do see each other, all my emotions come flooding back.
What should I do now? Its clearly over. Any suggestions on how to start rebuilding my life. Pleading for some support right now.
p.s should I still be trying to do 180's - should I still be fighting for this marriage? I just dont know anything anymore. I was doing so well for so long and I thought we were getting back on track - all my 180's seemed to be working etc but now nothing. Should I still be trying 180's? and if so, what the heck is there left to try? Clearly nothing I have done so far is helping right now.
PEImom - I do know he is losing everything, but I just wish I could start feeling like I wasn't losing something too.. maybe I didn't word that correctly. I do think he will wake up one day and regret this whole thing, but in the meantime, I wish I could just start feeling like I will be better off - as my friends and counselor keep telling me. And i'm also very bitter that my children will have to suffer through all of this. They are so little, so the don't understand anything, but they will eventually start to wonder what they are missing out on by not having a full time father. that part absolutely breaks my hear. As much as i want our marriage to work out for us (him and I), I also want it to work out for the sake of our children.
Supposed to be working but can't get my mind thinking straight right now. I am so torn between giving up and continuing to fight. He has given me no hope for the last two months. So why do I want to continue to fight for our marriage? I just don't understand myself sometimes. He still says he doesn't know what to do. But he's gone, we only really interact wrt the children. How do you continue to DB when you have such little communication? We spoke through email briefly again about him selling the boat. I told him to think it through and that I didn't want him to regret it later, but that if he wanted to sell it and thought it was a good idea to go for it. I also told him that I knew it was an exciting time for him, moving into his own place etc, and it was nice to see him making decisions that will hopefully make him happier. Very short note from me. He wrote back saying he wouldn't characterize him moving as 'exciting' but that he was happy to be out of his mother's house b/c he had long over stayed his welcome there. He also said again that the only reason he is considering selling the boat is because he cant afford to keep storing it (we never bothered taking it out of storage this summer for obvious reasons) and that he got a good offer on it. Anyways, I have a really good group of girlfriends supporting me through all of this - but they are very insistent that I walk away. That he is probably seeing someone. And that him not being able to firmly say that its all over and that he wants a divorce is simply him not wanting to be the 'bad guy'. Gosh I dont know what to think anymore. I'm getting the same advice left right and centre from all my friends, but I really don't think they understand. And I haven't told them about the anti-depressants. I keep posting, hoping someone can offer me a different opinion on the situation but I know thats just wishful thinking.
