Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Preparing For Big D & STILL Here

Ironic that my last post dealt with being estranged from my extended family. Right after I posted, I got a message from my Mom on FB. She asked if it's with me if D19 goes to a bridal shower for my sister's stepdaughter, who she has raised from very young after her mother died. I said "it's entirely up to her, but it's ok with me".

Just last week when D19 and I visited my Mom, we were thinking about going to visit another of my sisters. STBX heard about that and was less than thrilled. I agreed to respect STBX wishes and not take D19 that day, but did say she can do whatever she wants on her own. I know it's only a matter of time, without STBX being able to say I pushed for it.

It will be interesting to see how STBX handles this. There is no way she is going to want D19 anywhere she could hear stories about STBX and OM/Boss going back as much as 8-10 years. I think D19 already has some ideas. Not sure about S17.

Yes, I do love STBX, but at the same time, the thought of her house of cards tumbling a little, makes me smile. At least I can admit it. I just hope D19 is able to handle what she is going to hear at some point. Same thing for S17, who has his mom on a pedestal.

Absolutely agree with you. Oddly so many WAS don't seem to care that they are throwing away something that can be salvaged.



I can related to you here. My wife blames my parents a lot for our failed marriage. That is total BS. As in life and job, getting along with spouse's family is important. Yup, there are gonna be issues. But as long as they can be worked out, nothing harm done. But i believe that if your ego is so strong that you can never forgive, then you'll always find a reason, a scapegoat.

I deleted STBX from FB in March when she went away to Mexico with OM/Boss. As soon as she realized, she changed her status from married to single. I guess she was "married" while she was openly involved with him.

Anyway, today I was using D19's computer and went to log in to FB. She was already logged in. I know it's not good for me, but I took the opportunity to check on STBX's page. Very little there, but I find it odd that she still has pictures of she and I on there. She hasn't deleted any of our vacation pics etc. That's how little I mean to her now. She doesn't even think anything of the pics still being there. How cold.

Last night D19, her BF and I went to the horse races. It was fun, but there are so many family and STBX/BTM memories there that it was also sad. Today, I get to spend $1000 prize I won via work at Hugo Boss. That will be nice, but like so many other things, won't be as good without someone to wear those clothes for. I know...wear them for me. It's not the same.

This morning when I dropped S17 off at work, both STBX's car and OM/Boss's car were there. S17 said "what's she doing here? she's always here when she doesn't need to be and is doing nothing". I almost bit my tongue off. STBX was there on her day off for the same reason she has always been at that restaurant all the time - to be near her Boss.

Now that they are openly involved and live in the same apartment building, I would think they would spend their time together away from the restaurant. I think she's addicted to the restaurant and it's culture, just as much as she is addicted to him.

I managed not to say a word to S17. It was tough!

You're doing a good thing not venting to your son. As hard as that is Be.

I haven't always been able to bite my tongue, but am really trying now. I try to take the high road, but sometimes I fail.

I woke up this morning and as usual, my first thought was of STBX and then of her with OM. I try every day to drop the rope, detach all that stuff, but still have not done it. I wonder when I will be able to just live "normally" and not have the uneasy feeling all day. When will I go even one day without thinking of her? It's been almost 2 years since I came back here and I still think of her, our situation and "coulda" - "woulda" - "shoulda" at least 20 times a day. Seriously.

Today, I have to decide what to do about her birthday tomorrow. As mentioned before, it's also the 23rd anniversary of us meeting. Tomorrow will be a very tough day for me. Last year on that day, STBX and I had a wonderful dinner together and then a wonderful time at her apartment. That is honestly, the last time I remember feeling calm, comfortable and content.

Wow...that's tough to admit to you folks and to myself.

Well....I stood in the card store trying to decide what to do regarding STBX's birthday (and 23rd anniversary of day we met) tomorrow. I read over a few and some almost made me cry. It reminded me of what it was like to be excited to buy a card for my wife and know she would love to receive it. This time is so different.

I finally decided that since it's no longer about busting our divorce, there really is no wrong choice from that point of view. I can give up all "tactics" and just do what my heart tells me to do. What do I have to lose at this point? We are going to be co-parents and likely co-grandparents for life, so just being caring is some where to start that new relationship.

With all that in mind, I bought a "troubled relationship" card and will make that her b'day card. The script on the card is exactly what I feel:

"I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship before hurt ever touched our hearts, before doubt ever entered our minds. Because if I could go back and start from those moments, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever hurt you".

"But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't erase the mistakes. I can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel. But I can assure you of one thing- I love you-as I did then and as I always will."

Typing that almost made me cry. Those words convey my exact thoughts and feelings. Now, I need to figure out what to write inside.

What do you folks think of the wording? I am ready for the 2x4s.

I am not going to comment on the wording. If they reflect your feelings accurately, then that's enough.

The human experience is universal even if the details vary, this place has taught me that.

I'm not going to give you any 2X4's.

At a certain point when you feel/know there is nothing left to lose, there is nothing left to lose.

There is no doubt the words reflect me feelings. I could have written them myself.

And, sadly, that is exactly where I am - with nothing left to lose. We will be discussing financial details etc in the very near future. We will be divorced by the end of this year.

With all the pain lately, it's been tough for me to tell her how much I care for her. Heck - it's been tough for me to admit it to myself. I keep trying to get mad and almost hate her. I just can't do that to someone I love so much.

Here's what I am going to write in the card:

Twenty three years ago today when I woke up, I had no idea I was about to be blesses with a woman who would change my life and me forever.

One year ago today, I held your hand across the table and looked at you in a piece of cloth and some shoes, and felt that all was right in the world.

Today, I have no idea what is right, but I care too much to let this day pass without wishing you a Happy Birthday.



Let me explain the "piece of cloth and some shoes" - STBX is a stunning woman who looks incredible in nothing more than a dress and heels. Last year she wore just that (nothing else!) when we went to dinner. A few years ago, I made the comment about a piece of cloth and some shoes and it stuck.

I know STBX likely won't even contact me tomorrow, so I won't know her reaction. But, again, I have nothing to lose at this point.