Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers SL is back

SC,

I made a list of things I could do to improve things, in light of your list. Then I erased it, because I realized it all came down to one thing:

I have to let go.

For my sanity and my marriage I have to just let it go. I can't keep it all in my head and try to hold everything together. I can't worry about W and her boss, or her family, or her job.

(The only fuzzy area, where I need to exert some input is in raising my boys.)

Honestly, I'm not sure I can detach this much. But that's the answer.

SL- detaching is hard. HARD. I've been attempting it for 4 months now.

I completely understand how you are feeling.

Great information SC!

Hey anything I can do to help y'all. This stuff is hard!

<Taking a moment to enjoy the best, and longest, day of the year. Waited all winter for it to be light outside at 9:00pm.>

I had a friend who told me that when a person has a S who treats them so badly (like cheating) that it may be as simple as the way he/she looks at you one day.......and then you know you're through.

We can't tell you when you've had enough. Right now, you seem to be saying that you will continue with the stitch b/c you can't do anything about her or the boss, and you can't detach. If this is not what you're saying, then please correct me.

There are a lot of things in life that we know the answer to the problem.....but living the answer is very hard on a day to day bases. Just look at all the overweight people. They know the answer, right? Doing it? Not so easy. So, they choose the negative things that are associated with obesity, over losing the weight.

It's your life and only you will know when you've had enough. At least you are being honest with yourself, and I think that is better than living in denial.


SL, have you really tried the list of Do's and Don'ts? I mean, even if you can't detach emotionally, have you worked that list?

Hi Sandi2,

I'm not giving up - I feel stuck and worried, like all my eggs are in a poorly constructed and poorly guarded basket - but I'm not giving up.

What is the list of Dos and Don'ts. I've seen some lists around here, and in the archives and blogs - one of those? I do think the trick is LIVING it.

A big stressed now as W is coming home with kids after being away for two days at her parents - they have been trying to convince her to work in the family business, which is in another state. Putting too much emphasis on reading her when she arrives.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.
35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Thanks, Sandi2, for the awesome reminders and pointers on going dark. I needed that right now!

ooooooh. THAT list. Thanks!