Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

Trust me when I say this 25....Honestly NOT wanting to be with H right now and doing EVERYTHING I can possibly muster up to get us out....only option I'd have right now to just up and leave would be to go to a shelter. Don't really want to do that to D3, so I just keep on trucking along and trying my best to keep up a PMA as best I can about life in general...that this is temporary....and know that I'm on my way to getting out of here.

Told H not long after we got here that right now, we're almost strangers to each other, and that from what I can tell, I don't really even like him right now. He's still high and mighty about himself and has boasted to me about how he's changed so much more than I have since the S. I was dying with laughter on the inside....I KNOW I've changed, others know I've changed, H doesn't see any of it, because he made the choice long ago to D, and though he's talked about working on M off and on, he still won't really look at himself to see why I don't want to be with him right now. I can't make him stay M to me, can't make him do anything. I can make myself do what I feel is best for D3. I've been really soft with him and he's walked all over me...I know this.

I've always been good at letting others walk all over me...most of my life since I was a teen in fact. Not exactly what I want D3 thinking of me. I can only be really assertive so much though, and though it doesn't seem I'm being that way with H right now, it's because I'm wearing thin due to other things I'm being overly assertive about.

Trying to stop relying on him or anyone else for things I know I'm capable of doing myself.

Only thing I want right now from H is to have him back off about trying to talk D terms with me.

D is something he wants on and off, and snce S, when he's not having an interest with OW, he's focused on himself and starts talking M again with me. When I tell him I'm just not sure we're ready for that yet, he pulls back, starts something up with OW, and says D again. Te spin I get on it is he knows I'm not tolerant of his EAs with OW (all these OW are different mind you, almost all have been strictly EAs, as he finds women who are in Rs themselves and always live out of state.)

K, think I'm defending again...what I'm getting at is, he reacts to my stance on not just dropping my whole life to run back to him. He talks M with me when he starts getting lonely and wants someone to take care of him, cook, clean, help with bills, etc...

I know this about him...have always known...I know he eventually wants a real legit R with someone, and seeing as we're legally married, I've somehow mustered up the stupidity and strength to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind.

I read through his words and see through his actions and know what's coming my way before he's spoken or acted. I know I deserve better, but it could be worse. I guess I'm just settling for now because other aspects of my life are moving in directions I want.

We basically are roomies right now. He has his bedroom, D3 and I sleep on sleeper sofa in livingroom. Biggest annoyance living here is bathroom acess means going through his room.
Wanted to add a note in here about his lack of respect with my car. This is me owning up to my own actions. Like I've said before...wasn't a planned thing for D3 and I to move into H's apt, so H didn't have time to move things around for us too much, but at least it was clean in here. Just some random boxes and whatnot up against some of the walls (long story behind all that). A ew days after we got here, I did (without talking to H first) sort through and put away all the stuff to make more room for D3. Was annoyed he didn't do it, and now he can't find anything, but D3 has more room for her things and room to play inside. H felt I didn't respect him because I didn't even talk to him before I moved it all around.

Thanks for the tough love 25. Did hurt a little, but sometimtes, the truth hurts, right? Reason I want to fight it so badly is because of a flaw of mine. Grown and on my own, yet certain people in my life are still always trying to tell me what to do and how to do it, so I'm still fighting with the rebellious child inside to not head the advice of others and do the opposite, even when it's not good for me.

Wanted to add....the two times H's gone out since we moved in, I was annoyed about the car incident the other night...time before that, he took the bus, but it was nice to have him out of the house for awhile. I mean, I get away from him when I'm working...and have gone out a few times with friends without taking D3 as well...but it's nice to have him out of the house and not either following me around the apt asking why i'm doing what i'm doing, or trying to entertain me by showing me all "these really cool things on the pc" lol. I think it's why I get mixed signals. H doesn't like being alone....wants attention, always, and he tries so hard to keep my full attention on him and it's just not happening.

Added note: feel H always wants other to do everything for him...in case of our M, this means continuing to push my buttons till I crack and file for him. And I'm being the stubborn doodiehead that doesn't want to spend money for something I never wanted in the first place.

how close are you to having enough money to get out? The car bill was $1300?

Geez, how about signing an IOU and borrowing the money from him and deducting it from the divorse settlement, what with all the massive wealth you have amassed with him?

Sorry had to toss that jab in, b/c any man who can't "loan" the mother of his child some cash

OR who LETS HER AND THEIR CHILD SLEEP ON THE SOFA...is just a boy.


SO, you need a security deposit, and some sort of income to rent, or enough cash to pre pay rent a few months. Did you save much while at your parents?


Can you borrow from them? I'm talking signing a promissory note and all, not asking for handouts...just an idea.


How's the job search going?


Oh, And having him watch D while he's not working is SO FAIR...it's literally the least he could do...


no wait, he's doing the LEAST he could do, now...

did he send enough child support while you were at your parents? If not, you can probably get arrears...and NO, I doubt he can charge you rent right now b/c ooops, you're still m


At least you seem to have a plan and you are not wracking your precious energy on trying to win back a man who clearly isn't trying to win you back
Bravo for the progress (not being sarcastic)


you're right, he's a man who cannot be alone (there are a LOT of those around...) For the life of me, I don't get it but I sure do see it a lot.


It's one of the advantages of being female/moms I guess.

I CRAVE my alone time...maybe that will change when our youngest leaves. She starts high school this fall and there IS a little clock in the back of my mind saying "NOW what are you doing with your life?"

Be good to yourself but don't believe he is...

yet yes, you have to be grateful for the "moments"...the times he's good to D, or pleasant enough to you so you recall the parts of him that are lovable, even if ever dwindling or even if the ego/ugly sides grow bigger

savor them...

Do NOT read into them...instead of thinking he wants a real marriage with you, just savor the "gifts" of decent times together...

IF he is ever mature and serious about being m to you again

You'll know. He'll be clear, convincing and there won't be ANY crap going on in the next room, or that sick feeling you get when you wonder where he is with your car or wherever....

btw why on earth doesn't this working male own a car?

Anyhow, do make sure he gets some visitation rights/duties, in writing


for YOU so you can work and keep on GAL (what's up with those anyway?) and


for HIM so he can man up...PLUS someday if he does grow up,

he'll thank you for insisting he have a R with his daughter. No man regrets that.



But some men never learn


I have 5 brothers. One of them is sort of "addicted" to going overseas to the Wars...


he left his first w and only d, years ago when they lived in New England. Before 9-11,

Back Then he moved 400 miles away for an exciting job in DC but still, it was just a job. He lost that job after 2 years but stayed in DC so he simply wanted to be around the "action"....


My bro chose the job b/c I believe he could only handle being a "full time one on one dad" a few days a month.

Every time he had his d, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME that I know of, he invited siblings/nieces/nephews over to entertain her...I never ever saw him play with her one on one


He read to her...true. But that ended at a young age so...

she grew up seeing my brother as her dad, sort of.

She has a GREAT R with her stepfather, who is THERE FOR HER every day and evening....he saw her shows and met her dates and met all her friends...

took her to the doctor when sick if her mom could not. Stepfather is artistic, as is mother. and now my niece has a show coming up at her college. Got a scholarship to Tufts for her designs!!!

None of this is my bro's influence. Which is fine, but do you think he learned anything from this??

sadly, no




my niece actually seems to view my brother as her loving uncle more than a father figure. He never got mad at her, he spoiled her materially


but he wasn't present and it's HIS loss..more than anything..she's a great young woman, thanks for my ex SIL, with whom I'm still close.


FAST FORWARD to today,

my brother has remarried a very kind woman, who's also smart like his first w.

But not nearly as funny, socially skilled or beautiful and just not the "trophy w" he left his first ex w for!!

Oh the irony...I mean I love my "new" SIL too, but she's no comparison, you know?


So they are having a baby now...meaning my brother, age 57, is getting a 2nd chance at fatherhood...a frickin' miracle, right?


But wait, he's signed on for another tour in Afghanistan, and he does NOT have to go. He's a civilian!!...says he "needs the money"...

he's a lawyer so you tell me, is there really more CASH and work over there for lawyers???

Hmmm, me thinks he's into the adrenaline and war stories, etc....not so much the diapers and drool.

New sil is THRILLED to have the first/only grandchild of HER family's side...and I am honestly truly happy for HER


but my brother will be 75 when his 2nd child graduates from high school



you'd think he'd be around now, while he can, or at least do safer things...but no, no no nooo.

And btw, his wife is high risk preggers too....

He told us he's going over seas for "important work" for a big time General he "deeply admires" and blah blah blah and he emailed our entire family (there are 9 of us) to explain his new plan (as if we all need to know what's up)


But he's leaving his wife at this time in his wife's and baby's life...



not one of us answered him. None of us planned that, it's just that we just don't get it.

He's a fool. He's learned nothing from the childhood of his first child, which he missed CHUNKS of...

(I and my h and 3 other siblings were military and have worked with "important Generals...but seriously, at this cost? I'm shaking my head even now...)
and

I feel sorry for my new sil, but I'm happy for her with the baby as it was so hard for them to conceive ( esp b/c my idiot bro was overseas for 3/4 of their m so far...)

IDK why I'm telling you this,



I suppose my point is, NO, not all WAS's learn "life lessons" or improve in their 2nd m's...

some of them learn squat...case in point, my educated bro ^^^


You know, in a way you are like my ex sil. She was crushed when my brother left her those years ago. Really. But even then, I had KNOWN he was a lousy h. No temper, no abuse. Just emotionally lazy. Also lazy around the house and all. But just not "into R's..."

and we thought it was THEIR M, but he's like that in ALL his r's with women. Wants low maintenance and little expected of him but fidelity and humor, and affection if he's around. He has no temper, to his credit. But he's just a lazy flim flam guy, ya know? Even with his education...


So my former SIL is literally MUCH happier now than she EVER was OR EVER COULD HAVE BEEN with my brother b/c relationships to him, are


simply not as vital to his ego/world view, as what he does professionally/publicly


haven't been since college



so she is truly honestly and fully better off and now, thank God, SHE knows it...her m today, is to a man who values HER and their R more than anything else in his life

and it shows...

But as for my new sil? I think she's preparing herself for the life of a single mom with an overseas "h" who "sends" his love with emails...we did tell her before the married, "hey, what you see is what you get. Brother won't change AFTER the vows..." so she was warned.


Unlike my former sister in law, this one had few options. Though well educated and kind, she's no looker, rarely dated, and I think she feels my brother is better than nothing & she gets to be a mom



So, given that they ARE having the baby (HER idea, for sure)

she's settling for that. I suspect they'll be divorced within 5 years. But she'll have gotten her wish; motherhood. I understand that. It's just not really a marriage, you know? More like a friend making a sperm donation...



OH WAIT I just recalled the ONE exception and how revealing it was...my bro DID love a woman right before he met new sil. He was crazy about her and called me SO HAPPY he was "in love first time in decades" (he didn't count first m as "in love" I guess)

The woman he was crazy about was a looker/trophy wife with a serious career in journalism...


BUT ALAS, she had...something wrong with her...she had....um....what's that word?

um....gee...oh wait, I know, she had reciprical EXPECTATIONS of fairness from my bro!!


the nerve!!!


She thought if she moved for my bro's job, someday years later, HE'D do the same for HER!!

What??? Uh, yeah well, NO.


So he married the woman with low expectations of him...and seems to be getting what HE wants... except he's not famous or adored or admired by his family, which seems to matter to him A LOT.

And this child won't know him except by his letters. And my bro will want us to portray him to his child, as a hero with a cause, if he passes on...

delusional

enough of me, hope you remember,

some of them learn squat. Never assume down the road that your h is NOW a great catch, just great for another...it's not like that for the WASs

You will end up in a good place like my former SIL

if you really get this DB thing

B/C we save ourselves first, and sometimes that saves our m.
But no matter what, WE are better for it.

Tell me about your GAL and 180s...and

((( )))

Wow 25! Thank you for sharing that story of your brother. I hear so much in it and took so much away. He does sound a lot like my H. H wants to surround himself with well-known or famous people...or people of importance, and expects that everyone will be wow'd by him because of who he knows. When the thrill from others wears off that they're just not impressed by him because of who he knows, he gets bored with them and drops them...whether a friendship, a R, or even his own family. I never fed into it, and H has even told me (as recently as two days ago) that the fact that i'm not impressed by all these amazing people he knows just bothers him. lol! men can be so funny. I don't care who people know. I've met famous people too, but they don't impact my every day life, so I take the joy of knowing I've met a person and move on with my day...lol!

Anyhow, as far as dynamics of H's support of D goes, there have been some great times, but the good doesn't outweigh the bad, and I'm not trying to come across as putting him down, just trying to state the facts as they are...
When D3 was born, H had a really good job with amazing benefits. He quit it with no notice 6 weeks after she was born because he did work shiftwork and claimed it interfered with his ability to be with D3. Stupid, yes. He was earning enough that we'd agreed to me being a SAHM for a bit, and I was furious. Took to going out and getting job apps for him, bringing him wanted ads, newspapers, searching the internet and emailing him various job ads...keep in ind...THIS WAS MY PAST. When D3 was 2 months old, my grandmother had gotten sick and found out her cancer had come out of remission. right up till H and I got M, I'd actually been working as my grandmother's full time caretaker. had been doing that for a year and a half. Her and I grew incredibly close during that time, and I was crushed when she made the choice to opt of hospice care and go home to live out her days. I understand her choice...she was old, my grandfather had been gone for several years, as well as her oldest D (my aunt), and she had so many other health issues, as well as being wheelchair bound. H knew I was crushed, and though we were without jobs ourselves, he still took money from what we had saved and told me to get up there to see her. So D3 and I spent the next 2 months at my parents house going to see and visit my grandma every day till she passed. Was an interesting 2 months being away from H. We'd already had a few problems going on at that point, but I knew that he was what I wanted and being back home with him and D3 was where I was supposed to be.

When D3 and I did get back, come to find out H's having EA #2 because he feels I've abandoned him, and I also became increasingly depressed and obsessed with D3. I wouldn't let others hold her, do things for her...was stretching to let H do anything for her...he'd try...honestly try...like if he knew we were both asleep, and D3 woke up needing changed or something, he'd get up to change her, but I'd still end up waking up, and took to screaming at him and a couple of times throwing things at him for not waking me up to take care of my daughter! Understandable that he didn't want much to do with me. By the time D3 was 7 months old, H was sleeping on couch, still having EA, and I was a recluse basically. Had a couple of friends as well as our roomate that I did spend my waking time with (and D3 of course), but I wanted nothing to do with H. He'd quit his new job 2 months after he got it, took on another job in completely new field, quit after 2 weeks, and stayed jobless for next 5 months. Roomie for some reason was very passive about us living there...he too had a good job and just sucked it up and paid all the bills. I cooked and cleaned for roomie as well as our friends/neighbors who lived next door. We all became a dysfunctional family of sorts and none of us wanted my H around. H never bothered trying to hang out with us either. In Dec '08, roomie finally had enough though and told me one day he was going to ask H to get out. Said he couldn't live with himself if he kicked a mom and her baby out, so I was welcome to stay if H opted for living on the street or something. Even though things weren't great with H and I, we were still M, so I went where he went...PERIOD! So new years day, '09, H, D3, and myself packed up and we moved into FIL and step MIL's house, which was 300 miles away from where we had been.

Once we got there, H and FIL started going at it all the time. Were a few occasions where I left the house with D3 and s-MIL because we were afraid they'd get pysically violent with each other.
I was still breastfeeding 11 month old D3 at that time, and was tired of overhearing FIL and sMIL telling H how disgusting and gross it was that I was still doing that. H never came to my defense, though he was supportive of me doing what I felt was best for D3. At the time, I also had issues with my drivers license being suspended, so I wasn't able to drive anywhere. H was supposed to be taking me out places looking for work, and he'd be up all night on the pc while D3 and I slept, and not wake up to take me anywhere. Led to FIL calling me a lazy POS who wanted everyone to do everything for her. H decided one day that he was going to talk to army recruiter about re-enlisting and once he started, he took it to the extreme of talking to FIL about paying to send me up to my parents' house. Was annoyed with him because he never talked to me about it all. Was next day that I called my parents and told them what had been happening.

H and I chose to S at the end of Jan '09. I didn't want it...never wanted it, and told him repeatedly on the way to the train station that I'd stay if he wanted, but would mean we'd need MC....he said he was sure this was what he wanted..that we both needed to find ourselves again to see if we even wanted to stay M. We agreed that we'd both work on ourselves and not make any decision about staying M or not for at least 3 months, so as to not rush back into anything.


Since this post is a bit long, will start another now...lol, sorry for long read.

try to break up your posts into smaller paragraphs...easier to read


your life with your h sounds...really NOT great...maybe...ever.

His job resignations are horrifyingly impulsive and his structuring the R so that he can feel abandoned all while supporting your attempts at helping G-ma,

is a set up for failure and a way for him to feel victimized. He's weak and thoughtless...

So

keep doing your program and your life will improve...

I mean, I think you get it. And I support you "getting it". And we can all hope and pray he gets it too...

but hope and prayer motivate us, they do NOT paralyze us...

Bit more backstory about myself, as well as a tad about H and I before I move on...

I'm the oldest of 7 kids. My dad battled with alcoholism when I was very young. Before he and my mom got married, he was also heavily into drug use. He's since recovered, but those early years of them dating, getting M, and up till I was about 8, my mother was an enabler for my dad. He's a very educated man...my mother, not so much...her story is a long one as well, and now's not the time to tell it. I was brought into fights with my parents at a young age. Took to caring for my sisters at 5...changing diapers, helping feed them, etc, just to try to help my mom and make sure my sisters got what they needed. My dad did work..and he worked hard, ALWAYS to make sure we were provided for, but money was tight, he had a few years of being laid off from his job, and I grew up in the welfar system for a bit. When I was 4, my aunt got married to a man that started my downfall as far as R dynamics go. At one point, both my parents were working to make ends meet, and my aunt and new uncle came over to babysit quite often. Was about this time when my new uncle took a liking to me. Always wanted to take me to my room to play because, as he put it, I was older than my two sisters and needed to be playing differently....Long story short, I began to be molested by him. Went on for about 2 years, and I knew what he was doing to me wasn't right. I tried over and over again to tell my parents what he was doing to me, and they always had the same response... "Don't make up lies about your family. He'd never do anything like that." When I was 6, my uncle told me I was too old to be doing that with him now, and a year after that, he and my aunt actually moved far away. Over the years to follow, when they'd be in town to visit, even though I couldn't stand him, I'd never let him alone with any of my sisters and was worried because he had a daughter of his own...

To this day, he had 3 daughters, became an orthodox priest, took over a parrish with an orphanage, was tried and convicted of child molestation on 18 accounts (two of whom were his own daughters), and is now done serving his sentence, living in my aunt's house, and on his deathbed due to a severe health issue.

I hold a grudge because no one believed me, but he got what I feel he deserved.

Because of that early life experience, I was always afraid of men. Felt that I wasn't worthy of just being loved for being a child, or as I got older, a woman. I was raped at 15. Again, not believed (guy raped and almost killed another girl, was tried and convicted, and is still in jail).

Again, giving some backstory of me and how I got to the point of where I am today....

was shortly after the rape that I grew to severely mistrust men, and I started taking an interest in women. i felt safer, but still not happy. Took to being intimate with women, and tried to put on a facade with my family that I was a healthy teenage girl who dated guys. I had a few boyfriends, but didn't really do much with them...no dates, no hanging out, no kissing, or anything else. Talked on the phone lots, but was about it. By the time I graduated high school, I'd gotten into one R with a guy that I thought might have broken my sell, had slept with him, only to have him break up with me the next day and claimed he only wanted to get me to sleep with him and felt I'd lied to him about being a virgin because I didn't bleed like he thought I would (probably due to the moelstationa dn rape...technically, I guess I wasn't a virgin by standard of the word, but I felt I was, because i'd not given myself willingly to anyone. (Probably more about me than anyone has cared to know).

A few months after graduation, I met a guy who, at the time, I thought had changed my world. Finally a guy who actually cared to sit and talk in person, who wanted to take me out and experience the world with me. We went out and acted like two crazy teenagers in love...After a year, he proposed, I'd said yes, and we continued on. I felt on top of the world, but others thought differently, and I finally started wizening up. this guy wouldn't allow me to have friends, had me convinced i didn't need my church anymore, felt I didn't need to finish college because he'd take care of me, wouldn't let me around him if his friends were over (said I'd have more fun with them than with im, so I had to stay away). I still lived at my parents' house at this point, but was rarely home. they did't like him, didn't like who I'd become, my dad even kicked me out a few times, only to call and ask me to come home. After 3 1/2 years, i finally got the nerve to leave him. Gave him back the ring and told him I wasn't meant to have it right then. Was messed up after that, and now had all the fredom i'd missed out on. Had basically flunked out of college due to becomming so enmeshed in his warped world. had been controlled by him and brainwashed into believing that I was good for basically one thing....sex. Looking back now, there was ONE key clue about him that I overlooked from the get-go. I always knew I'd love to get married and have a family one day. When I met him, he told me right of the bat that he never wanted to have kids because it was a W's job to take care of her H, and kids meant less time to care for H, so he did't want them. I was young and naive, and thought I could change him.

So anyhow, moving on again...I had freedom, but no friends. Got caught up with a dysfunctional crowd of alcoholics...took to drinking heavily, was enrolled in school again at that point, but due to my own neglect, started missing classes again. Was out living it up every night at the bars. My parents got worried and one morning when I wouldn't get out of bed again for class, my dad picked me up, put me in the car and took me to a mental care facility. He told them he didn't know what was wrong with me, but he didn't want me at home.

Was diagnosed as an alcoholic, manic depression, borderline personality disorder, and a compulsive liar. (stemmed back to no one believing me about uncle molesting me...grew into habits of telling people what I thought they'd want to hear instead of what was really going on because no one truly cared what happened....messed up, I know, and it led to me not even being able to tell what was truth from what was a lie).

Was put on anti-depressants and intense IC, and started to come out of my fog. At this point, I still had one somewhat close real friend...a girl i'd met early in high school, but she lived out of state. my ex had been ok with me keeping in touch with her because she was far away going to college, so she couldn't impose on my time with him on a day to day basis. This was in 2001 now, btw and I was 21, was still drinking, was sleeping around like crazy and being totally irresponsible. Was feb '01 when ex and I broke up, and by July, I was still barely scraping by in school, working 40 hours a week, and spending almost everything I made at the bars every night...Was a dark time in my life, but if I had to go back and do it again, I probably wouldn't change a thing. So July rolled around, my therapist had suggested I take a vacation to clear my head...thought it would do me some good, and I had summer break from school for two weeks, so i hopped on a plane and went to visit my friend down south.

I fell in love with the area. Compltely and utterly in love. I saw the friendliness of the people, Saw the beauty of the area, felt at home right away, felt relief at not being surrounded by all the memories of ex back at home everywhere I went, and decided I wanted to move down there permanently.

Two weeks later, I'd transferred my job to same company down by friend, her and her bf (now H) were about to move anyhow, so we got a 2 bd apt to share together, and my family had all pitched in and turned my move into a mini-vacation for themselves and helped bring all of my stuff down as well.

I felt happy for once in I don't even know how long. Was working, still drinking on occasion, but felt more in control of myself.

Oct of '01 was when I first met my now H. He and I clicked from the get-go. We did make the mistake of letting our sexual chemistry take control of us, but we dated for a couple of months. H didn't like the fact that I was drinking so much and occasionally being involved in drugs and told me it wasn't healthy and he didn't want to be around me if that was the way I wanted to live life and we just went our separate ways.

I moved on, was 2002 at this pointgot involved with yet another screwed up guy who, looking back, I don't think I ever knew sober...he was always high. We were in an unhealthy, but comfortable place, but once again, I didn't do anything to better my life. Bumped back into now H while I was still with ex-bf in early 2004 and I made the mistake (maybe? not sure) or having EA/PA with now H while with ex-bf. H wanted me to leave bf and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough for it, so once again, H and I went separate ways.

Sept '04 I finally mustered up courage to leave ex-bf, and got into my own place. Was still working my butt off, and found out I knew how to live on my own. Had some really decent friends at the time, but once again, they used drugs too. I'd stopped at this point, but was still around it. Rarely drank anymore, stopped sleeping around, and really started getting my life back in order. May '05 I took a trip up to visit my family and was then that i found out my grandma was about to lose her medical coverage that allowed for her nursing care. At ths time, i was teaching piano freelance, and all but one of my 35 students was about to stop lessons for the summer anyhow, so i made the choice to give up teaching temporarily to to take care of my grandma. She helkped finance my move back up to her house, and we were set on course to build a really unique relationship. I'll always be grateful for the experiemnce. i learned about my family's history and grew to appreciate much more in life than I'd done in the past.

Nov '05 I once again bumped back into now H and we started up a long distance R. He was working steadily, was living with his sister at the time, had a car, and seemed to be doing well (I've told you his issues with me in the past, but not his...both times in past, he'd been unemployed, no car, living out of someone's apt, basically mooching off of them, and working life to his advantage. Bothered me, but never fessed up to myself that it wasn't what i ideally wanted in a guy).

Was happy, but not with life. Enjoyed living with my grandma. She did pay me a monthly allowance, and I was using it towards taking care of past debt...school loans, credit card debt I'd accrued, etc. and was proud of myself. H came back into pic, and I started allowing more of my money to go towards R...travel expenses for example. He paid for trips back and forth as much as I did, but there were still lots of trips, so tons of money being spent. Jan '06 H was laid off from his job, but found new work right away with a new start up complany...wasn't 100% sure of how successful it was going to be, but wanted to put faith into him. Feb '06 and he proposed. I felt I was happy and making a good choice, so of course I said yes. Aug '06 we got married and after wedding, I moved back down to live with H. He'd moved into a rental house before eth wedding, and I began what I hoped would be a long and happy M....lol.

Again, sorry for long post...I won't bore with all the details of M before S...but had a few things to add in because they play into life after S and yet another chapter of my life.

When H and I moved into inlaws' house, we'd left almost all our things at roomie's apt "locked" in what had been our bedroom...more on that later.

Had left most of what we'd taken to inlaws' house as well. When S happened, I'd taken the train with D3 to my parents and took only what was allowed baggage wise my train rules.

More to come, but have to go make dinner for D3 and I, and then off for a short walk with her as well.

Thanks to anyone who's actually read all this.

sorry 25....just now saw your post about smaller paragraphs....will do just that next post!

and you're right to some extent about M with H....still in the middle of it all due to not being officially D yet, if ever, but looking back over whole R dynamic (as I'm sure you'll pick up on in previous post) doesn't show a good healthy R from the get-go.

So, here I was Jan '09 with D3, living at my parents' house. Two reasons I moved. First was H...had to get away from him and figure out if we should be together or not. Second was because I'd lost myself somewhere along the way, and wanted to find myself again.

Found a job within a few days of the move, got my license stuff straightened out after a few weeks time, and was able to start paying that off and was able to drive again.

Feb, I'd started IC, and I'd discovered DB and DR at the library and really wanted to sttempt a solid DBing. April insurance kicked in for D3 and I.

As far as H and I went, we'd decided late Feb '09 that we'd be ok seeing other people.H started a job in feb, moved out of his parents house in march, started seeing OW in march as well. I'll call her OW1 for now. Have been a few OW since S. Forgetting about OW and EAs before S because they're not important anymore.

So, I'd also taken a guy I worked with up on an offer to go out. We meshed well, and I enjoyed his company. Knew that if H gave any signs to want to work on M though, that I'd not have an issue dropping OM and NC again.

I'd also started working out. Was more due to an incident at a restaurant in Feb when I was asked by waitress when my next baby was due. She was rather embarassed when I said I wasn't prego. I knew I'd put on weight when I was pregnant...more than needed, and I knew I was doing very little to take it off after D3 was born. Felt good to finally get back to a size i was happy with and have to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe.

Still keep up with yoga, pilates, and areobic workouts to this day because I learned that I have to keep taking care of myself to help combat possible inherited health probs when I'm over. Living with my parents again after being gone for so long made me realize that they don't really take care of their bodies like i'd want to.

I started seeing that they have more health probs than necessary t their ages, and most can be combated with simple life style changes, but those changes aren't for me to decide for them. Got to a point where I sat at mealtimes with them and D3, but I cooked separately for D3 and myself. Led to problems at times. Wasn't an every day thing...I mean, I'd eat dinners my mom cooked one or two nights a week, and if I was working, was ok for the time being for D3 to eat whatever they were having. Kept telling myself being there wasn't permanent.

Whew! I feel I'm jumping all over the place here...

So, back on track...May rolled around and H calls me out of the blue saying he's leaving OW1 and wants to wrk on M. Long story short? H ended up leaving again and moved in with OW1.

That was May. I pretty much dropped contact with H at this point. Went dark, and he didn't like it. Told him if anything serious happened with D3, i'd be sure to let him know, but I wasn't going to give him constant updates about her anymore.

H got caught up with OW1 and was contantly texting or calling. Telling me all about OW1 and her dying grandmother. After OW1's gma passed away, she recieved a decent inheritence. H and OW1 moved into a hotel together (lol). and I went the wrong path and started contact with OW1. Tried to get on her good side. Told her how R with H would most likely go because he never changes. Was warning her about how to look out for herself.

A few days ago, H actually talked to me about how my doing all that affected him. Was taken back because he won't usually bring up past stuff like that to me.

So Aug '09, I'd had a trip planned to go down for H's bday and visit in laws. H wanted to sit and hammer out D details while I was there and I refused. I simply would not go that route. He still to this day has same stance about D and everything that goes along with it.

Standing firm that if D is what he wants, he starts it, and I WILL be using a lawyer...he's against it...wants to talk out details and file uncontested...NOT how I work, sorry.

So anyhow, H basically tells me that he wants D and is happy with OW1. Good for him..whatever, though I'm crushed and cracking up at same time. H's crazy OW1 is crazy, they're perfect for each other right now, so I let them live their cray life.

H got new job back in old city (where D3 was born). OW1's money paid for the move, a new apt, and furnishings for it. H worked, OW1 felt abandoned (according to emails she was always sending me which I never responded to). Nov '09, while H was at work, OW1 packed up and left.

H starts communicating better with me...actually asking about my life, etc, and gets more and more frustrated because I have very little I want to say.

At that point, my job was going well, had a vehicle that I was allowed to drive (was in my parents' name, but I was making the payments for them). IC was going well, had learned that a lot of probs with H actually had roots in demons from my past, so therapist and I started working on dealing with those. Got involved in the young adults group at my church, started making some pretty decent friends there. Started spending more time reading, something I used to spend most of my time doing, but had put away to spend time with H instead.

When weather permitted, I ran, and got back into biking. Being back at my parents' house gave me access to a piano again (had to sell mine years prior due to space limitations). Even started writing some new pieces. Had my baby sister getting married June '10, so I was helping her and my mom with wedding prep stuff as well when needed.

I'd also ran a credit report on myself and started working very hard at eliminating old debt. Got some minor things cleared up, and made huge dents in some of the bigger things.

Was actually feeling rather good about myself and life. Had a good Christmas that year with D3. (H didn't send any gifts, go figure). As New year approached, I couldn't believe how much had happened over the past year.

Will end this post here to let anyone catch up who might happen to be reading. I do apologize, but actually, I'm finding this very theraputic for some reason. A year ago, if I ever pulled out journals to re-read, I'd be angry again. Not angry this time, but feeling insightful.

As far as 180s I felt I'd done with H, I wasn't asking for anything. Was tired of same result. I'd ask, never recieve, would be bitter over it, and yell at H about it. So, to save myself the grief, I just stopped asking. Can't control him, so in the end, it's his knowing choice to not do much, if anything for D3.

What I realized wasn't working with H were that

i complained a lot(work, family, his family, bills, how he spent money),

was always asking for things(unnecessary items for around the house, things I claimed to HAVE to have that I'd later return just to have spending money or whatnot) ,

was always expecting him to read my mind(good example? when I was pregnant and on bedrest, he'd come to check on me and I'd be mad he did't *know* I needed a drink, so I had to wait the extra minute for him to go get me one),

wanted him to take care of things for me so I wouldn't have to face certain things myself(had past debt from before we were officially together, and was always wanting him to pay it off for me instead of dealing with it myself),

wanted his help with D3, but yelled and threw things at him when he did help, there are others, but I think you're starting to get my point.

I really started taking an inner look at my own contributions to our problems. H's not perfect, but neither am I. Took two of us cause the probs, and I wanted to make right by mine, to know I'd done all I could.

So, I stopped even talking to H about my finances, because it wasn't relevant to him that I had this account or that in collections from 4 years before we got together that I never chose to take care of. I needed to do this for myself to show D3 that I am strong and competent.

I stopped asking H's advice because it's what I used to do. Made him feel good, or maybe that I depended on him to decide things for myself.

I complained to no one. I did a complete 180 here, and stopped complaining, and almost stopped talking entirely. Had to find a balance here as to talking or saying just enough. And both H and my family don't really know how to deal with this to this day. I simply don't complain to them about every little thing anymore...it's for my journal, and here...was in C as well, but temporarily not in IC.

I started being more assertive in asking for what I want or need, both with family and with H (to an extent). I'd ask him to do more for D3, but I never took it to the level I needed to.

I never filed for child support while S. Still unsure whether this was smart or stupid on my part, and I'll never know, because it's past. Can only move forward and file when I can. In not filing, I know I enabled H to continue on his crazy stunts in life, and am still not sure whether it's good or bad for D3.

Sate H lives in, if you miss 2 payments, license suspended (not an issue right now as H has no car of his own). Miss 5 payments, it's jail. Want to have faith that if I filed, H would get off his butt and get a job to not miss payments, but I'm not sure. His track record doesn't bode well for him, so I feel if I file, I'm sentencing him to jail. Would serve him right. But D3? What is she going to think when she's older? I want her to grow up making her own impression of him. When they are together, he's loving, and plays with her. Has been an adjustment for them both since we moved back here, but they're getting there. When she's older, what will she really think though?

"My dad did little to nothing to help provide for me when I was young and lived his life his own way while my mom did nothing to push him to take care of me financially. She took care of me."

"My dad did little to nothing to take care of me when I was wyoung. My mom pushed to get his help and he didn't follow through and went to jail. My mom continued to take care of me."

"My dad did little to nothing to take care of me when I was young. My mom pushed to get his support, and he went to jail. My mom sent my dad to jail."

All those thoughts in my head, but what will she really think when she's older? And, if I pushed for support and he's in jail, well...in jail, he can't work to get me child support, and now he's got it on his record, so finding a decent job will be more difficult still inhibiting me from getting support, so what gives? which way is right? LOL! confuses me.

Time to end again and get D3 into bed.

Going back to more storyline things....

So, like I'd said...was not really doing much to try to get H back over the summer of '09...he was with OW1 and as much as I hated it, I didn't feel throwing myself at him would do much good....so I was trying to corrupt OW1 into leaving him, and kept on GAL myself.

I joined my company's softball team. Had bi-weekly practices for two months and then the big game. We lost, but it was still something new for me. Not the most athletically inclined person, but I realized I did in fact enjoy sports.

My parents are big into them, so I never had much exposure to them growing up. Never got caught up in the hype i guess you'd say. Always thought my interest in them once I'd moved out 10 years ago was because I was trying to impress a guy I was with. Turns out NO, I just like them...lol! D3 even watched them with me sometimes.

Aug of '09 when i'd taken my trip to visit H and his family, H was thrown for a loop because I still had a massive scab on my leg from sliding into third base during our game. He was all, "WTH did you do to your leg?" When I told him, he was shocked, "wait! you played on company's softball team?"

Yep! I did because I wanted to.

So moving forward, Kept on working, started bowling with several people from work (I'm FAR from good enough to join a league). Was having fun and keeping busy, but was causing tension at home, and that's when my focus really started shifting away from H and M and into what was going on in my every day life around me.

Started fighting with my parents a lot. Caused them to start fighting with each other. And my brother (who was19 at the time) got busted on some criminal charges. Tension all over the place.

Add to it, my sister, who was also S from her H was stirring up drama of her own down where she and three of my other sisters lived. I was being pulled into their drama as much as i was being pulled into drama btween my parents and brother.

H was still trying to keep lines of communication open at this time, and i kept blwing him off. Wasn't giving him details about what was happening, was simply telling him I didn't have time or care to put into his life right now, but to just keep me informed if he moved or got seriously hurt/sick. he did call me one day to tell me he was in hospital with swine flu. hmm..ok? lol



So into Jan '10 and the start of what I hoped to be another great year. Middle of january, I get a phone call from H telling me that we really need to talk. I was busy right at that moment and told him I'd call him back asap. Was the next day when I got around to it, and he was kinda ticked aout it. Asked him what was up and he went on to tell me...

Our old roomie whose apt we still had stuff at...

Landlord had gotten ahold of H and said roomie was being evicted at end of month, he'd gone by one day to "inspect" the place, and noticed our stuff was still there and wanted to give us a head's up to try to get our stuff out if possible. Told H the place was a disaster and wished us the best of luck. H met up with him to get a key even.

So, H tells me he went over there (insert...H had bought a car for himself previous nov after OW1 left him) Says you can't even open the door. Place was full of cat pee and doodie (sorry for cheesy language...don't want to get in trouble for using words I really want to..lol). Says it was late when he went over and the power's already shut off, so he couldn't see well enough to try to make it upstairs to our room to investigate, but it looks bad and he's not sure he even wants to try to get our stuff.

By our stuff, I mean, bed, all kitchen related things (dishes, appliances, you name it), towels, sheets, pictures, wedding pics, my wedding dress, all my childhood memorobilia, all H's childhood stuff, TV, clothes of mine I'd gotten to big to wear, home decor things....

basically everything I and H owned. Talked to work and got permission to take 5 days off work. Was still using my parents' car at the time...knew it wasn't sound enough to make a trip, but wanted to get down there.

My parents' decided to let me use my mom's SUV, so I loaded up D3, and got on road next morning. Wasa rough trip for her, but I drove about 15 hours almost non-stop, stopped into city where in-laws live and they entertained D3 while I napped for 4 hours...lol. Got up and got back on road to finish 3 hour drive to H's place. Was first time seeing him since previous Aug.

We grabbed some lunch, and then headed over to the apt. All this time, we did manage to get ahold of former roomie. He'd lost his job and left town early dec. Had 5 cats in the pat and had a few people taking large bags of cat food over there every 4-5 days and that was it. We were told that the cats might have gotten into our room at one point.

One of the cats there was actualy my cat. Have had her since she was born in '03. Still not sure why H never went over and grabbed her once he got back into this area. OW1 had a cat of her own, so I think that's partially why he didn't get our cat right away, but once she left, I guess we just never thought about it, or he'd have gotten her. He even said so...that if he'd known she was being kept like that, he'd have called umane society on roomie.

Moving on...

We went over to apt together with D3. When we opened the door, I walked in, and slipped on a pile of cat poop right in the doorway...bad sign...H stayed outside with D3, and I went up to investigate our room....

Everything basically destroyed. All plastic stuff was thrown out, bed, furniture, electronic stuff....what was in the closet in that room hadn't been touch, so pictures, wedding stuff, childhood stuff was salvagable, but i lost a lot of my life that day.

I know they are just things, but I now know how people feel after floods or fires, tornadoes, etc...Not saying I'm just like them...H and I both know we are equally to blame by trusting someone else to actually take care of our things. We made a mistake and we learned from it. We have different stances on it. H blew it off and moved on. I however have since become obsessive over my things and tend to want to hoard stuff so others can't get to it.

Tis is why I'd mentioned it a few posts ago...Caused me to develop a new "condition".

H and I tag teamed our efforts to save what we could. One was inside apt bringing stuff down while other stayed outside with D3 and loaded things up into both his car and my mom's. We traded off every 20 mins or so due to the high amonia smell inside the apt.

stuck by me and helped the entire time. On day 2 of rescue our stuff attempt, roomie turned up to grab what he could of his things. He didn't say a word for the first few hours. Then, as H and I were about to leave to take stuff back to H's apt, roomie said, "for what it's wort, I'm sorry. It shouldn't have gotten to this point and if there's anything I can replace let me know."

All I could think was, "you don't want that bill buddy!" Wish I'd have taken him to small claims court or something. The one thing I was most upset about was the hand made quilt my mom had made for H and I for our wedding. In the end, with help from my mom, we were able to save it.

I took what I could fit in my mom's car back home with me. Left what kitchen stuff was salvagable at H's apt, as I didn't have an immediate need for it at the time. H still says it's mine to take when I'm in my own place.

Anything non-kitchen related that stayed at H's place was left in boxes and stored outside in his storage space, locked on his patio.

So, after this incident, I began wondering what happened to my computer that I'd taken to in-laws a year prior. Asked H about it and he said he must've taken it with when he moved out of there, and was probably left at OW1's grandma's house.

So, I stupidly made the mistake of gong that route again, and got in touch with OW1 to find out about it. She said she found it and threw it away. Also confessed that while H had been at work, she'd deleted all wedding pics, wedding video, and baby pics of D3 that she could find on H's pc because at the time, she was convinced she was going to M H and didn't feel he needed any of those things anymore.

So, now here I am, very little left to my name because I put faith into someone else following their word and got screwed, then find out not only do I now have wedding videos (I had the hard copies of pics), but I don't have baby pics of D3 to show her when she grows up.

I kinda snapped!