Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Wife Wants to Separate

I had my first meeting with a DB coach who worked with me on action items Empathy, dealing with button pushing and GAL.
Expressing empathy during our MC the following day seemed to have a positive effect on W but is was quickly followed up by with "why did you wait until now to say that" and "it doesn't make a difference now". Since that seems to be one of her main BP points I need to figure out a better response/non response.

I need to move fwd with moving out of the house since it shows that I'm listening to her and shows that I care.My coach says its also a noble gesture. On the other hand staying there and forcing her out if she is unhappy is a form of pursuing/hostility.

This is scary but I have confidence in it being the right path.

I'm taking the children to visit my father for a few days so a discussion on the logistics of the separation will have to wait until Sunday evening.

I feel we need to figure out the details of separation. W on the other hand just wants me to leave the house and then figure out the details. I think she wants us to continue with the joint accounts and me paying all the bills.

So question to all: Is forcing a discussion on separation details (overnight visits, budgets, who pays the bills for the house, kids etc, estimated child support based on state calculator) just me being sensible or me being vindictive, petty and trying to make her realize what a mistake this is.

I guess it's killing me that some of our problems were caused by lack of budgeting and W thinking we are poor because we don't have enough money. Now our expenses are going up by $1,500 plus a month (yes, 2 bdrm apts in Mass. are expensive).

It appears she has no plan beyond me leaving the house. No care about arrangements.

When I asked her about mediation vs lawyers she thought that we should just skip mediation because she has heard you just need to get lawyers anyway.

I guess if she is so certain that we are thru I should just file divorce papers myself and get right to it.

DF,
in some ways my sitch is like yours. I just signed a six month lease on an apt because W wanted me to leave. House is in her name, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats and a few other reasons why it made more sense for me to go. We had S before but I moved back in while she was away at xmas (well, I was watching the animals and never moved back out). Once I validated her that I would leave, the tension dropped precipitously.

Now, W is stressing about finances for good reason. We've agreed on some basics (each paying own living expenses, utilities, etc) and a few items to split. We still haven't discussed the smaller issues (how much to put in joint acct) and we are still keeping as many bills together as we can.

I guess my point is that you do need to discuss things, but you don't have to hash out all the details at once.

I also know the frustration, but *don't* bring up R or D talks. When my W got so frustrated with me that she threatened D, I told her that it's not what I wanted but I understand her feelings. She would text things about L and I'd ignore them. In the end that worked. I can honestly say now that a part of her (maybe quite large) doesn't want me to go. I imagine as the time gets closer that your W will have some of the same feelings.

Remember, if she wants D, she files. Validate her but don't help her.

DF,

So sorry that you find yourself here.

Regarding the moving out:
1. Have you checked with a lawyer to see if this could be considered abandoning your kids/family and used against you at a later time.
2. If YOU do not want to move out then don't.
3. If she wants to move out then let her but without the kids. They need to be in their home.

Some general insights:
Are you making these decisions from the position of fear? Fear of making W angry. . .fear of Divorce. . .fear of xxxxx.
Decsions made from fear (or any other emotion really) are really poor decisions.

I do not know the specifics of your sitch however, I was asked to move out and almost did. I recieved some really good advice and listened to it.

I told her that I was not the one who wanted the D so she could move out if she wanted to without our S. Her response was over her dead body. She added "Do you think that I am stupid. It would look like I was abandoning my son if I left." She was more than willing to let me abandon my family.

One question:

Have you always just gone with the flow? Yes dear, whatever dear?

will

DF,



Are you being vindictive, petty and trying to make her realize what a mistake this is?

If you are then that'll shine through.

I also agree with Wil.

I have never believed that the person who doesn't want the divorce should be the one to leave.

You don't martyr yourself into them loving you again.

DF,

I don't normally go around quoting myself but, I had a few more thoughts. . .



Fear of making wife angry. . .you can't control how she feels.
Fear of divorce. . . you can't control if she files.
Fear of xxxxx. . . YOU can control how YOU act and how YOU think and what YOU do.

Be strong for you and your kids.

Will

DF:

Just got caught up. I think you have gotten some great advice from some of the other folks. Glad that you also had a session with a DB coach. I wish I had the funds to do at least 1 session!

Just listen to what she has to say. Even if you don't agree with her, she is entitled to here feelings. There are no rights or wrongs here. Validate simply; I understand, ok, etc.

Keep getting yourself strong so you can better represent yourself each and every day. Your kids need you.

Sending positive vibes!

I've contacted 2 lawyers and both felt that moving out wouldn't be considering abandonment.



I'm not making decisions out of fear. It's been 4 months and I no longer fear losing my W because she is already gone.


I have tried to keep the peace and the first time I didn't go along was when W first asked me to move out and I responded by saying she should leave if she is unhappy.

She would never leave the kids and my state's family court probably wouldn't make her so I don't have much to gain by trying to stop her. The kids would bear the brunt of the burden of moving out.

Hey Zen, I have an extra session I would like you to have.