I was out of town but will post more when I get a chance. Glad you were okay after the accident.
They do shake us up even if we are "DBing"...believe me, I know. Cut yourself some slack. This is all so new.
talk to you soon. Hang in there!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
C went really well. She fits my personality so much. I wish I could afford her every wk.
I'm gonna text w and tell her I'm not ready to see her. The truth is I need to work on me and that means going dark.. very dark. Not to see if she misses me.. but so I can heal.. so I can re-learn how to make decisions with my best interest at heart. So I can learn that I deserve love.
I could act as if and go ahead with the meeting.. but we are also suppose to pay attention. We set up our separation to be loving, but my w hasn't done much to keep that going. She walked away from that. That's hurts.. but it is what it is. She's not gonna say how much she missed me, she's gonna want to push forward with d. If it was anything different.. she would have specified in her text. Regardless the point is.. I'm not ready to see her. If she wants forward with D, she can start on her own. I'm not running away from her on this. I'm running towards me!
I feel like so many people on this board at least remember what their w/h was. For me.. I just remember what I've always wanted from her but never got. I'm going to really try and refocus my priorities from her to me. I'll have to live with the consequences.. but if I'm taking care of me and making positive changes.. it has to be better than this.
To end this rant on a positive note. I opened my own separate account. I'm nervous about financially supporting myself.. but I have to trust that someone greater than myself is looking out for me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Went to church this morning. It was the first time that I went in about 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that I can not do this alone. The constant struggle between showing compassion, to being angry. Wanting to show love to my w, but realizing that I also need to love myself and that I can't necessarily balance it right now. It has me exhausted.
The sermon was on humility and pride. How pride plays into our almost every aspect of our life from anger to perfectionism, to being consumed by others, controlling, blame shifting, etc. Pride undermines unity.
So are all of these feelings for my w have pride in them? I think so. If I want to be humble and constantly work towards that, than I must let these things go. Give up what I think my rights and entitlements are, express gratitude, and learn to identify God's grace in others.
Makes sense. It's so hard to do with w. So hard to do with someone who hurts you. But I am going to keep trying. God shows her grace, People show her grace, I should too.. just how do I do that without losing myself is the question.
On a side note, she did initiate a call on her own for the first time in 7 wks. I didn't answer caz I was GALing. Her message was kinda cold. She received a letter from our insurance company saying that I didn't take care of the accident. She wanted me to email her to tell her that I indeed did take care of it. Didn't ask how I was, didn't say it very nicely. I wish I could say that I deserved it because in our relationship I didn't take care of things.. but the truth is that I always did and it was her that didn't.
Oh well. Whatever the reason, I just texted her back.
me: State farm is taken care of. BTW - Can't meet next wk. w: How about the week after that. I'm free all week. me: I don't know
She didn't respond. I answered truthfully. If that upsets her. Nothing I can do except keep working on me. It needs to be on my time now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
C went really well. She fits my personality so much. I wish I could afford her every wk.
I'm gonna text w and tell her I'm not ready to see her. [b] The truth is I need to work on me and that means going dark.. very dark. Not to see if she misses me.. but so I can heal.. so I can re-learn how to make decisions with my best interest at heart. So I can learn that I deserve love.[/b]
If true, and I believe you, then that's cool. I just want to make sure you are not being punitive. That never helps and you want to be able to hold your head high the rest of your life. Not just b/c it helps reconciling but b/c it's right for you. I could act as if and go ahead with the meeting.. but we are also suppose to pay attention. We set up our separation to be loving, but my w hasn't done much to keep that going. She walked away from that. That's hurts.. but it is what it is. Yes it is what it is. Stay away from the blame game b/c 1) it backfires--meaning it does NOT help your cause and 2) it keeps your focus on her instead of you
3) you need to own your part in the demise of the marriage b/c otherwise
why won't you repeat the behavior? Either with her or someone else? If you are going to be in all this pain, at least grow from it.
That's the "payoff" of DBing. Knowing we are better people for it.
She's not gonna say how much she missed me, she's gonna want to push forward with d. If it was anything different.. she would have specified in her text. Regardless the point is.. I'm not ready to see her. If she wants forward with D, she can start on her own. I'm not running away from her on this. I'm running towards me! well said. Don't spin too negatively but since you bring the focus back with "regardless, the point is" seems healthy to me.
I feel like so many people on this board at least remember what their w/h was. For me.. I just remember what I've always wanted from her but never got. IF TRUE (and we all tend to revise our marital history when we are hurting) but if so
then you need to see if it's your ego that is "hurting" you so much OR if it's
really the loss of your marriage. If the marriage wasn't so great to begin with, at least factor in that with the sense of loss.
My guess is that your marriage was a mixed bag, like many. So be it. But when you stare at what you miss, make sure it's a reality from the past, and not merely another wish.
On the other hand, it's also okay to miss what might have been...
I'm going to really try and refocus my priorities from her to me. I'll have to live with the consequences.. but if I'm taking care of me and making positive changes.. it has to be better than this.
AMEN!! ^^^^
To end this rant on a positive note. I opened my own separate account. I'm nervous about financially supporting myself.. but I have to trust that someone greater than myself is looking out for me.
AMEN AGAIN...we all have to learn how to take charge of our lives and happiness b/c
1) no one else can or will; and
2) it is exclusively our job.
Hang in there and let us know how the meeting (eventually) goes.
If she contacts you in the meantime, and you are not fully prepared,
just LISTEN
and tell her you will get back to her when you have had time to process what she tells you.
No one expects you to be ready for all contingencies...it's okay.
But listening is always a good option for when you don't know what to say.
And re-capping what she tells you to make sure you are not "reading into" what she says, is also good and healthy communication. Verify that you really "get" what she says and make sure SHE gets what you say.
No more mind reading...esp when it hurts!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't think I'm being punitive. I am angry at my w but unless I'm talking to her, I do a pretty good job at acting vs. reacting. In the depth of my soul, I don't hate her. I don't intend to start.
I'm sure it is a mixed bag but I do know one thing.. there was emotional abuse on her end. I'm sure my current hurt blows it bigger, but it was there. My w acknowledges it (although never calls it abuse) and now after 2 months I do too.
She doesn't want to deal with it and I can understand that, but I need to deal with it now because it's affecting how I look at life. The feelings of a double edged sword with GALing because my w punished me, or because she doesn't want anything to do with me right now. Not talking about it for me isn't allowing me to acknowledge it..until I can acknowledge it, I can't forgive it.
I don't feel the need to punish her for her actions, but it is the pink elephant in our lives. The one that's keeping her distant from me, and the one that is keeping me from moving forward.
I've gone ahead and agreed to meet with her. She's agreed to do it in therapy. I plan on listening to her and validating her feelings. She wants to talk about r... I'm ready to hear what she has to say. However, I also need to talk about r. I need to talk about the abuse. I believe in Solution Based Therapy.. so I want to talk about it and let it go.. but I can't not talk about it. I know it will hurt her, but I will do my best to do it as loving as possible.
It's hard to explain but as a CoDe.. I have to do what's best for me. I let my compassion turn into controlling. This is a 180 for me as well. I've often never expressed my feelings about the way she treated me because I didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to make her feel bad, didn't want her to punish me. What did it do.. it just gave her permission to keep doing it.
Like I said.. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough to be in an r right now. I love my wife unconditionally.. but somewhere I began loving her so much, I stopped loving myself. Idk. I may be making a mistake with my m, but I think I will be making a big step towards detaching and hopefully taking better care of myself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
well today I feel differently. I'm thinking that I'm not going to talk about the abuse. Currently I expect a reaction from her which is the WRONG reason to talk about it. No need to hurt myself by saying something hoping for a result that isn't possible at the moment.
Listening and validating.. and praying that If I am suppose to talk about anything that I WANT to talk about.. that door opens by someone other than me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
got a text last night from w letting me know a movie that I worked on was opening at the Landmark. It was a very quick and pleasant back and forth. Her saying congrats. Me saying thanks and that I was super excited. Her saying that she was so happy for me.
W hasn't initiated any contact with me in over a month. Not since I went to see the cats and she informed me she didn't want me in her life because of the shame she felt. Honestly it threw me a little. Her being pleasant, caring what was happening in my life, and expressing it.
It also provided me a ticket to get back on the rollercoaster.. which I did for a minute. I saw a glimpse of the w she was becoming in therapy. Usually she wouldn't text me because of fear that I didn't want to hear from her. Or that she didn't have a right to. I started looking into things. Also I had stupid dreams. But this morning, I got back off and was like.. I don't know the reason why she decided to text me, but it was a nice thought and I sincerely appreciated it. And that is all.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Another text today from w. Her car took a sh!t and she wanted to let me know she was going to have to pull money from our savings.
It was an interesting turn of events. Just 2 wks ago, I was in a car accident. I had to call my w. She was very distant and cold throughout the process. Now it's my turn.
I chose to be pleasant. Thank her for letting me know and if she needed anything, to let me know. It isn't a 180 to offer to help her, but I just felt like it was the right thing to do. When it happened to me, I was like I would never do that to her.. that's not the person I want to be.
I want to be a supportive, loving, positive, person. Those are things I am working on. I started working on them before our separation and I don't plan to stop. She can act however she wants, I will act however I want.
I've had more contact with her in 2 days that I have had in 2 months. Feels weird, but I'm really happy with the progress in myself. Every time I chose love over anger.. it feels good.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Got a call after the text last nite. She neglected her car and so her engine blew. There were alot of times she didn't take care of stuff in our relationship. She tried to blame me as well.. but I said "I'm sorry.. I just didn't pay attention to Your car so I don't remember when you got your last oil change. I said it in a loving tone and then continued to validate and listen (sticking up for myself is a 180 because she has blamed shifted in the past and I let her). As I was listening, she started to cry.. I asked if she needed anything (she told me she wasn't ok) she said no. I let it go vs.. trying to force her to allow me to be there for her.
Conversation than moved to a birthday party happening tonight. She asked me if I was going, I said yes, she said that she couldn't go because I was going. Again I stuck up for myself and said that it didn't have to be this way, if she wanted to go to the party, we could talk about it. She said she wasn't ready for it and backed down again. I let it go.
Couple hours later she pinged me on FB thanking me for the day and that she would call me. She did and she came over to pick up car files.
We talked for a long time.. not about r but about her not taking care of stuff (she brought it up). I listened and validated. She kept starting to cry and stopping herself. I looked at her and said "it's ok to cry". She told me that she didn't deserve to because she did this to herself. I said it didn't make her feelings any less valid. So she did. I asked if she wanted to come over (we were sitting next to each other on the couch) she said no... but then said yes and just cried in my arms for 10 mins.
When she stopped she said she didn't deserve to be comforted by me. She's done me wrong. Continued to validate and listen. Walked her to her car. Talked about rock climbing which we have coupons for. She was like "If you wanna go, we can go, if you don't, I can take someone else". She didn't say she wanted to take ME.. that upset me. So I said in a loving way. Hey there is no pressure and I won't be upset if you don't want to hang out with me.. but I can't read your mind and I don't want to assume you don't want to hang out with me. If we decide to hang out.. it's because we both decide to. She said she understood, mentioned shame again, and said "yes" because she was pleasantly surprised by our interaction today.
Anyway it keeps going.. but to wrap it up. I learned today that my w has a TON of shame surrounding me. It hurts to be around me actually because of it. The Emotional abuse is such a big part of this separation. It's alot to deal with so she avoids me. Today she was pleasantly surprised by our interaction. I was upbeat, positive, no pressuring her to change, or being anything she couldn't be.
I see this as a good sign. Not necessarily for our m, but a good sign that we are both changing. She wanted to blame me, but owned up to the car, I acted loving (which since dealing with the abuse, I was afraid I couldn't do). I may see her tonight at the party, I may not but either way I will have a nice time. It was good to see her.. it was good to be honest with her. It's hard not to get hope from that for our r, but I can settle for just a good day.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I see this as a good sign. Not necessarily for our m, but a good sign that we are both changing.
IDK, seems to me you needed change to give your M a chance. The relationship you’ve described seemed pretty toxic to me. Good is good, accept it for what it is, good from your point of view. If it is good for the M so much the better.
But this morning, I got back off and was like.. I don't know the reason why she decided to text me, but it was a nice thought and I sincerely appreciated it. And that is all.