I can't offer the "dark" advice with four kids. I can't even comprehend what I've seen. I have just moved on. Not to be a downer, just being honest.
When you get hammered with your faults, and they "try" to get YOU to be the bad guy. It's usually a justification for their bad behavior. My opinion, she's probably hiding something.
The bright side...YOU came here. Something is wrong. You know it; I know it; Others know it. What do you want to accomplish?
What are you willing to ACCEPT and change to let us help you?
I hate to say this but with her attitude, she probably has FOUND a Knight in shining armor. Just a hunch, but the signs seem real. Not to anger you or make you feel like crap, but we have to "save" you before we can even begin to "save" your marriage.
Stay strong and know, we don't know you. We're unbiased. Let all of it out.
Having a great few days GAL. Will have the kids most of the weekend and kept the phone conversation upbeat, frienedly and I was the one who "got another call:)Didn't respond to her emails and let the first call go to vmail. Went to the gym today, little bit of work, and watched a comedy last night..laughing is good for the soul. The wife is moving into her new house this weekend. Acting like I'm happy for her, but not too happy. Really don't think she's having an A because the inlaws have been staying with her, but who knows for sure..practicing detaching as best I can which is a daily focus..hard sometimes. And, most importantly, working at having unreasonable happiness! Slowly coming out of the fog.
With going dark/LRT, what about wedding bands? I'm sure this is very personal for all as it is for me. WAW took off her engagement ring after filing but still wears her weddingb and annivesary one...usually. I'm tempted to take mine off but it reminds me of my commitment to her and God..thoughts?
Five years ago, I was well on my way to being a WAW. So, what I say to you will be based on my personal experience, what I've learned from others, what I've learned here on the board, and what MWD has taught. And, btw, my M survived, and yours can also.
Your W went for counseling. The C was somebody who told her she deserved to be happy and as many C's do.... suggested M was keeping her from happiness. The two of them agreed and that's why you walked right into an ambush. So, that's done and it can't be undone.
What happened from that first meeting in Feb until early March (when you thought there had been progress)? Probably nothing. She had made up her mind before you ever went to that first session, but now she can say that she "tried" C and other programs and it just didn't work. I suspect her parents knew long before you did.
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I have read the DR book and countless others and am beginning to do the LRT
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This was an email exchange (me first, then spouse) before going dark/LRT.
Do you see LRT and going dark as being the same?
I would like to refer to that email you sent her, even though it was before you started LRT or going dark.
Don't be offended by what I say. Looking at your email from the WAW POV, you sound very preachy and self-righteous. I'm sure you didn't mean for it to appear as such, but you were saying, "I", "I", look at me and all I'm doing and how great I've been. It doesn't get far with a WAW.
Then in her email, she sounds very calm, mature, rational, decisiveness and almost as if she were talking to a child. She starts out by agreeing with some things you have said and states she will no longer continue in that manner. Good for her.
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When I initially filed I hoped, not necessarily believed, but hoped we still may have a chance. The situation has since proven that it is apparent that there is no longer hope for this marriage to work.
Remember what I said? She went to C, etc. to prove there's no hope. To her, that justifies her filing for D. And, btw, that first sentence in that quote? WAW largo! If she went as far as filing....she didn't still have hope for the M, or she wouldn't be trying to get a D.
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When you ask me direct questions that have answers that are difficult to hear, I am honest. The truth hurts you, but I am honest about my feelings. You ask why I don't want counseling and marriage repair? The answer to that question is going to hurt. There is no nice way of explaining why a person wants a divorce.
She's right. So, stop asking her personal questions about her feelings, or you, or her life, or the R.
Please pay close attention to what she says in the next paragraph.
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You ask why you should cooperate? Because it's the right thing to do. Fighting over issues where there is an obvious responsibility on your part further frustrates the situation. It definitely does not show me that you are the changed, reasonable, giving, thoughtful person you are claiming to be. It supports what I've known and it supports the need for this divorce.
Fighting for your M does not mean fighting with her. Refusing to cooperate, in her opinion, is simply irresponsible, stubborn, and childish. Either way, it doesn't seem to be the winning ticket for you.
Sounds as if you've been running your mouth trying to convince her how much you've changed, but in the long run...you've helped justify her reasons for D.
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Instead of the randon acts of kindness, direct answers to questions and reasonable responsed that stay on task would be more appreciated.
Have you pointed out your random acts of kindness? That's a big no-no.
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Committing to have the kids with specific times in advance is thoughtful and shows that you respect me and my time
Right here! This is what you must hear! Why have you not been doing this? Did you think this was how you win?
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When I try to get a committment from you, you continue to be vague.
Look, when it comes to the kids, you never give her vague!
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For example, when you say you'll pick up the kids "sometime in the afternoon" this is not helpful
Worse than that, it is sloppy and disrespectful!
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Of course the gestures of coffee and flowers are kind, but for me (not necessarily all women, but for me) it's the common courtesies that make a difference.
Are you listening to this? She's telling you that giving roses and coffee won't cut it. That was something she might have wanted years ago, but not at the point she's at now. What does she want? She just told you.
Be courteous and stick to a schedule for the kids. If she's trying to contact you about the kids...then answer her ASAP! Act like a responsible adult when it is about your children. That's what she is saying.
Oh, this is way too long. If you pass over it like you did the DO'S and DON'TS, I wasted my words. But there is another question I'd like to ask. You said the three main reasons she left was "trust, quick emotioned, distant". (I don't see anything about a lack of acts of kindness or gifts.) But, why would "trust" be an issue? Can she not trust you? If so, why not? Do you lie to her?
Sorry for long post. I promise not to do that every time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for your candor, Sandi2. Believe me, I know may butt has been handed too me! The emails were to prove how I made many, many many mistakes in pursuing her and saving us. Did not gloss over the DO's and Dont's. I have them printed. Since the blow out exhchange, we have been very cordial and am looking to just be right with me first, then extend that to the world. Your comments are so spot on, thank you, thank you, thank you. What IS the main difference between the LRT anf going dark? Not that far in but have been keeping it up all week. Where to I go from here?
She doesn't trust me being born out of a few things: one-I was taking a couple doctorate courses after she said I should focus on my business and stop getting in my own way..I didn't hear her and thought, "Well I'll just take a few"...big mistake.
Second, early on in our marriage, I had a procedure to scrape scar tissue from the back of my leg and to correct a slight bow legged appearance in calves by having small implant to correct. Told her about the scar tissue not the implant because i was too "embarrassed to tell her" How stupid was I? I just did not know how to tell her and kept burying it. And it sure came out in the lausndry because she said she knew all along. I felt like crap about it. Stupid self pride..
Finances have been tough and I now know how much I "muted" her by saying "It's fine" or I already did, fill in the blank. Just quick emotioned over the stressors. I am so sorry and take 100% responsibility for our situation. I still see the love in her eyes and it hurts to know she still loves me and we are where we are.
Pretty well, thanks for asking. I had all the kids sleep over Friday night until Sat . evening when w picked them up for a wedding...the old baby sitter. W looked absolutely stunning and I told her she lookd gorgeous. The part that's hard is the look in her eyes that that says she loves me. Had the younger two kids all day Sun. While w moved to new house. Going dark, yet being there for kids for kids makes it more challenging becuase if it were not for the kids, I could really drop off the radar. Our interactuons have been very civil.
Week two of going dark. Emailed w yesterday for times this week for the kids. She has not responded, yet. Feel like she's going dark...so hard to go dark with kids in the picture, suggestions?
