1. Is there a way you can mourn in private? I know it [censored] to not have your spouse there for this and I think she is being unreasonable. How are you moping? I mean think about it, if you your W was in a funk and moping, would you want to be around her? If you are have problems with your mothers death, have you talked to your IC about it? For me it helps just to have someone to talk to. 2. I'd let her thoughts on her feelings lie. If she is okay with things then you know that her feelings can change. 3. If you found a good MC, it is more important than ever to NOT slack off when things are good. I know the temptation is there, but when things are good is when you have to work just as hard. Or all the work during the not so good times will be for naught. It's good that your W agreed to pick it up again. 4. do you guys have alone time for just you two? I think that is very important. if your wife is game there are also some exercises that you 2 can do to help rekindle things. Friendship is an important step, but I think there needs to be some intimacy. Take this for what it's worth, but I would start with some really small things if you want. Like a small touchs, or maybe a hug/kiss every now and then. Go small and go slow. Like flirting with her. if she was someone you were interested in, but didn't know. How would you react to her?
To an extent it is pursuing, but if you and your wife are working on things, I think it's okay. JTB and others can chime in.
You also need to take a hard look at what you want in an M and if your W can provide it.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
1. Is there a way you can mourn in private? I know it [censored] to not have your spouse there for this and I think she is being unreasonable. How are you moping? I mean think about it, if you your W was in a funk and moping, would you want to be around her? If you are have problems with your mothers death, have you talked to your IC about it? For me it helps just to have someone to talk to. I talked with the C and she told me not to mourn my mother's death but to celebrate her life during this time. She told me to have the kids color some pictures and bring them to the cemetary. Great advice and I will use it.
2. I'd let her thoughts on her feelings lie. If she is okay with things then you know that her feelings can change. You're right. They did change for the worse so they can change for the better as well.
3. If you found a good MC, it is more important than ever to NOT slack off when things are good. I know the temptation is there, but when things are good is when you have to work just as hard. Or all the work during the not so good times will be for naught. It's good that your W agreed to pick it up again. Our MC is actually her sister's MIL and has known my wife longer than I have. She has helped me a grow a great deal over the last year and she even commented that in the 25 years of experience she's never seen a person do a complete 180 like I have. And I am very proud of that. I have never slacked off in my own personal journey and I'm not aware if I've slacked when things were good but I will pay closer attention to that.
Our C knows my W has her own issues stemming from a horrible upbringing and has asked her to come by herself on a number of occasions. I agree with that and never press the issue but that is my W's decision to go or not and a journey she must take alone.
4. do you guys have alone time for just you two? I think that is very important. if your wife is game there are also some exercises that you 2 can do to help rekindle things. Friendship is an important step, but I think there needs to be some intimacy. Take this for what it's worth, but I would start with some really small things if you want. Like a small touchs, or maybe a hug/kiss every now and then. Go small and go slow. Like flirting with her. if she was someone you were interested in, but didn't know. How would you react to her? She has told me that I am her best friend and I am hers. We would do anything for each other and we both know it. We've been making time for ourselves more lately and do have a weekend getaway planned for the end of the month. Looking back over the last couple of weeks maybe I have backed off the flirting and courting that I have been doing and was working. This is something I need to get back into.
To an extent it is pursuing, but if you and your wife are working on things, I think it's okay. JTB and others can chime in.
You also need to take a hard look at what you want in an M and if your W can provide it. I know what I want and so does she. Can she provide that to me remains to be seen. I guess the only thing I can be thankful for is that time is on my side. I do know that this is a marathon and not a sprint but waiting here in limbo is killing me.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
I have backed off the flirting and courting that I have been doing and was working. This is something I need to get back into
Yes you do.
The death of a relationship is complacency. Getting used to doing the bare minimum and taking things for granted.
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To an extent it is pursuing, but if you and your wife are working on things, I think it's okay.
So do I. If you guys are working on being married then pursuing is ok, better if you can read your wife ad know if it is helping or if you need to back off.
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We have been to a MC before but have slacked off recently because every Saturday there seems to be something going on with the kids.
rhut-roo!
Almost like that mythical date night. What-ever happened to those?
Look, you make the time, or you'll never have it. Be selfish in this aspect. You want to be married to an exciting wife and she wants an exciting husband. Not to be married to just a mom or a dad.
Make the time. Hell even possible go so far as to make a date get the babysitter dinner for the kids and when she gets home tell her she has 40 minutes to get ready. Take a little charge.: ) depends on your situation of course.
Your C is right, do not take the rejection personally. Not right away and not for awhile. It took her some time to get to the place she is, it'll take her some time to get to place where she does feel that way about you. Be dashing as all shite. Leading men don't sulk, they laugh it off and remain charming.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I agree Jack that we need to make the time for MC and date night. And in the past few months or so I have been the one making the arrangements. I need to ramp it up a little and take more inititive like you suggested.
My W keeps asking me what is bothering me and I've told her at least three times that this is a hard time of year for me. Even though I've been mourning in private and trying to put on a happy face in front of the family she can still tell that I'm bothered by it. From the time we started working on the M up until about a week ago I was happy. The kids have been asking about my mother alot lately and it's made this time of year it a little more difficult. Why can't she show a little understanding and compassion during this time?
Once this day passes and it's not going to be on my mind as much I will get back to the old, new me.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
