Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

Sure would like to hear how you're doing.

what she said^^^

Hi Sandi, 25Years, & Fellow DBers,

This is just a quick update to say I am still alive (by the grace of God). I have been spending time with my mother where there is no internet connection. My dad also came for a short visit, but hit me when he found out I'd "let" Ex-P remove me from the health insurance. Being hit made me cry all night for Ex-P and I felt just like a kid again hoping someone would rescue me. I prayed and prayed. I hope my dad doesn't come again anytime soon.

I may have secured a job for part of the year, which isn’t full-time and offers no benefits, but will pay me 7K more than my existing part-time teaching jobs during the school year.

Ex-Partner seems to have rediscovered his conscience after dumping me off our health insurance with no notice and a subsequent tearful call during which he claimed that OW had forced him to do it that day "or else" and the result had been my dad taking out his frustration by hitting me in the face. There has been no movement toward reconciliation, but he has offered some financial support for the next few months as well as an offer of ‘friendship’ – though he still fears OW will find out.

Here are the quick developments:

OW has pushed back moving in with Ex-P until August...didn't ask why. I asked Ex-P if this would give OW enough time to get her son registered for school in his new state, etc. (School starts in August.) Ex-P said, “Oh yes, there will be enough time.” I congratulated Ex-P on taking the leap to becoming a family man and told him what a great influence he’d be on OW’s son; Ex-P said, “Yeah, if this whole situation doesn’t unravel first.” Ex-P then said that OW is still having a hard time with the way our relationship ended (the fact that we don’t hate each other) and is now going to THERAPY to try to work on her jealousy…isn’t that just special?!?

Ex-P also said that OW is still communicating with her ex-boyfriend (the one she was living with when they met online) and that the ex-boyfriend desperately "wants her back." Apparently, OW's ex-boyfriend even did enough internet stalking (he knows my name????) to point out to OW that Ex-P and I were still friends on Facebook. OW had a hissy fit and said that I was to be removed from Ex-P’s Facebook account immediately. I answered that it was fine and that it was the customary way that 8th graders ended relationships. Ex-P laughed and apologized for the drama and for the fact that some stranger is checking out my facebook account.

Ex-P was finally allowed to meet OW’s son. He said that the child just thinks he is a “friend” of OW’s. Ex-P is supposed to take a trip in a few weeks to meet OW’s extended family. The son is gonna figure out that his mama and Ex-P are more than just friends when they all move in together.

Ex-P and I had a long heart to heart in which he said he felt like he “abandoned” me and felt guilty that I was struggling (financially, emotionally, etc.). He said he was “thinking about my situation a lot ” and I said that it wasn’t his job to worry about me anymore – I am trying to grow up and wear my big-girl undies. He said it wasn’t just “worry” but that he “cared” – in fact, he “cared a lot.” (He choked up when he said that.) He said he looks around his big new house and wonders why I never had a house like that. He said he looks at the yard and imagines the flowers I would have planted. He said a particular show came on PBS that I used to love and he thought how I’d enjoy watching it on his big new TV that he bought for his big new house. He said at first he didn’t feel guilty because I seemed to be doing okay, but now that he knows I’m struggling and missing him, he feels badly.

That’s when I lost it. (DB-failure ALERT!!!) I cried, I told him I still loved him and asked if things could have been different. I told him there were so many things I would have done differently and asked why it all ended. He gave me the same lines I got when he first ended our relationship three and a half months ago: His feelings weren’t deep enough for me, he thought I would be better off with someone who truly appreciated me, maybe he just needed a lot of attention and it was more than I could give (that was a new one for me – I’d never heard that before and I was pretty darn doting in our relationship); maybe we had just started leading separate lives (?????)???

None of these things made much sense to me and he couldn’t really help me understand because he didn’t understand or have a reason himself.

Then he told me to try to open my heart to other relationships…that just about killed me – KILLED ME! You know your partner doesn’t love you anymore when they are trying to encourage you to date others.

I love him so much and I really, really screwed up the LRT/180 by letting him see my hurt.

One other GAL note: I got a used bike for transportation. Ex-P’s last words to me were to carry his name and phone number on my body in case I got hit by a car. He says he wants to be my emergency contact. Apparently, he worries about me but doesn’t love me.

In other GAL news: I've been praying, studying the bible, trying to work on my extreme anxiety and trying to pull myself out of this horrible slump and fear for the future.

Next week I go back to teaching summer school for three weeks: gonna be riding my bike six miles each way - I CAN DO IT!

I don't think what he's saying is as uncommon as you'd think. Part of it may come from guilt and the rest of it is just the pure craziness of his walk-away or MLC condition.

I still believe he's being scammed, and OW may continue putting off moving in with him. Has he told you how much he's already invested by giving her money or preparing a new place for her?

Prayer and Bible study is your spiritual food. You need it during this time, for sure.

Have you been able to get out of the house and be with friends, go to the mall, get involved in church or community activities?

I still believe he's being scammed, and OW may continue putting off moving in with him. Has he told you how much he's already invested by giving her money or preparing a new place for her?

Sandi,

Believe me, I sometimes think about that. He has met her though "in person" and they have spent several weekends together so we know she's not a man!

Still, its weird about her changing her name, and weird that she would hide her son, and weird that he can't go to her house, and also weird that they were talking marriage and she declared her love after just a few dates.

I asked him many weeks ago if she had asked for money, and he said "NO!" But then in our last conversation, I was apologizing to him for not being able to pay him back for a utility bill that he paid on my behalf when he learned the phone was getting shut off. And he said "What is it with 'you people' not being able to accept help"...and I said who is "you people?" And he said, "You and OW."

That made me think that maybe he is helping her with some money.

Regarding the move-in being delayed, I remember that dbmod said "I had more time than I think" and then sure enough, the move-in together was delayed for more than a month - so maybe it will be delayed again.

Gotta run, losing my internet!

your dad physically hit you in the face?


And what did your mother do about that? Did you call the cops?

I'm stunned by that act. What was his goal?

Christ Alone, no wonder you are so sad and feeling lost.

Follow Sandi's advice. I'm in a rush now but am frustrated by the way you are being treated and

from where I sit

you are being a bit too saintly



but all I know for sure is you need to be independent asap

in the end


and in the grand scheme of things


each of us can only rescue ourselves

You can & will

Yes, my Dad hit me. He hasn't hit me in close to 20 years, so it really feels awful. He later said he was just frustrated with Ex-P and somehow thought I had consented to be taken off the insurance. My mother rants and raves at me too - I just hate it. It makes me feel so worthless.

I just got home tonight. Its so lonely but maybe its better than the alternative. My family makes me really sad. I seriously wish that someone truly loved me. I know my family sort of loves me, they just have really bad ways of showing it. Ex-P always treated me so much better than I could have ever dreamed possible. I miss my old life with him when I was happy and at peace.

Missing him doesn't bring him back.

ouch...

So sorry you are here.

I grew up with some craziness and was one of 9 kids. Never had one on one time with my mom that I can recall. Literally.

My dad was a raging alcoholic although in his way he loved me. Yes there were violent times but... that is that.

I have siblings that I'm close to and that helps. And I have friends that mean the world to me.

Someday if you have a child, you'll create a very different world.

I attended a workshop called Essential Experience that changed my life. (I don't get a commission for saying this but yes, I highly recommend it if you can do it. You could use it as you are ripe for growth and change if shown how).

A question I recall being asked when it came to my childhood pain was

"Can you celebrate what you have now and how different it is?"

and the answer to that BECAME..."Yes"...

you can have that as well.