Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

Hey 35,

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and find yourself here.



A 180 shouldn't be used as a ploy or with expectations.

This is all so fresh for you, and believe me when I say I understand.

There is no trick to DB. Ultimately, it's all about you. You have absolutely no control over anyone else in your life. Ever.
The idea is to look at yourself and really be "aware" of who you are. Are you the woman you always wanted to be?

Most of us, (after the shock subsides) find that there are things we don't really care for in our behaviors, attitudes, physical being. Making changes for yourself may (or may not) have him look back at some point. How are you different (other than more mature) than you were when the two of you met? Are you (really) happy with the differences?

I will tell you I was not. If you are in fact 35, I've got a couple of weeks on you (to put it mildly). You may well still be in shock. Your mind may be racing and every thought is consumed with him and your relationship.

You need to take care of yourself. Going to the Dr. is a good start.

Post here as much as you need to. This is the place to air all of your thoughts and feelings.

Suicide, I have too much experience here. I will say that you do not sound like the type of woman that would knowingly torment those you love. Suicide does that in ways you can't imagine.

We all understand the pain. I will not say it gets better quickly. You deserve to live an amazing life. A life with with love, joy and laughter, even if it isn't with him. I know how hard it is to see that right now.
I also know you need to focus on yourself and show you just how much you are loved by the only person that can possibly be there for you always and that's you.

Keep the crisis hotline number on you. Program it into your cell phone.


HUGS

Thank you everyone for your support. Today is a tough day. My mom left this morning and then I received an email from my partner telling me he wouldn't be coming home today to pick up papers after all. As much as I was dreading seeing him, I was eager to show him my new 180/LRT mentality. The only way I can do that now is by not replying to the email.

What he is doing seems so heartless. I am struggling so much. I am financially dependent on him (although I worked part-time and am now looking for a FT job), I have no transportation (but am looking for a cheap car - difficult without any transportation), and I discovered that I can't push the lawnmower when the grass has gotten as long as it has. The little things overwhelm and humiliate me. I got a prescription for an anti-depressant, but can't pick it up because I am stuck without a car.

Do I ask him for help, or does this ruin the 180/LRT?

I feel so hopeless and very isolated since we moved far away from friends and family to this house. The computer is my lifeline.

I want to save our relationship. I want to GAL and be a stronger person. I NEED to do these things for myself just to survive and not even to draw him back. I pray a lot.

My mom says that since I cannot literally go any place, I can still do things to GAL. Exercise at home, continuing submitting resumes to FT jobs, pick up the house that has become my pit of depression since he stopped coming home, continue finding support on the internet to overcome the suicidal urges, continuing to envision a future even though one does not seem possible right now.

Is there really hope for a relationship like this, where I have become so incapacitated by grief and he has moved on at lighting speed? Before he told me that he didn't love me, I was a normal, happy person - though it is clear that my dependency (emotional and otherwise) was greater than I ever suspected.

I want to be out of this hole immediately. I want a life that does not depend on him. There are just so many steps to be taken to get there. I'm very scared and overwhelmed.

Hi sweetie!

I HATE that feeling! Baby steps. You are doing a wonderful job of pushing through even though it might not seem that way.

So can you ask the pharmacy to deliver? Or call the closest church and explain your predicament and see if they can find someone to help you?

Praying is powerful. God does NOT let you down.

Do everything before asking him for help -- because you want to change any stereotypes he may have of you. His perception of you is probably fogged up right now, even though he hepled put you in this situation.

I'm proud of you--keep pressing on, it's worth it.

AA35,

For many of us on this forum, this is the hardest, most painful experience of our lives so far. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We all feel your pain with you.
My advice, for what it's worth, is find something to 'save your life'.
So far I have done 3 things that have helped me on my way.

1 - Joined a gym and worked out like a madman. When I finished there I went running just to make sure. A lot of the time I cried like a baby but I got it out of my system.

2 - Started yoga classes. I don't know what it was but it lifted so much anxiety & pain from me I was astonished. I felt like a different person

3 - Played some good music, really loud & sang along - really loud. As-per my username, Foo Fighters, Wasted Light saved my life.

Gammy

AA35,

I nodded my head knowingly as I read your post; I'm sure everyone else did the same. It's hard to wrap your head around the level of cruelty our wives/husbands/partners can serve up, isn't it? But please listen to and believe what the others on this forum are saying: it will take time and a lot of work on your part, but you will come out on the other side stronger and feeling better.

The 180s/GAL are for you and you only; they are your own therapy plans. Stay active. Focus on anything but your P(partner). It's very hard to do; I know. But that constant ache in the pit of your stomach will occur less frequently, and slowly be replaced with a sense of peace and confidence. There will be days when you feel like sliding right back down the rabbit hole; it happens to all of us. Just don't stay down there.

Set boundaries - not ultimatums - regarding your P's behavior around you. Make it very clear what you will not tolerate. Control the subject and length of conversations with your P. This will help you feel like you are regaining control of your own life, instead of letting your P control it for you.

Post here often. At first your posts will not show up for a couple of days. Just keep writing; it helps to get it out. Remember: you did NOT do this. Don't take on any blame or guilt for your P's actions.

Stay the course.

Thank you Telemark, FooFighter (great band, saw them 2 or 3 times), and dbmod.

Thank you also for the liberty to keep writing. I feel so much fear. Being with him since I was 16 means I have a lot of growing up to do at this late stage. Him too I guess...OW is supposedly (who knows the real truth?) much younger than me.

I guess I also fear how this could have happened. He said I should have seen the signs...like that we weren't really married even though he told me that marriage was for fools, or that there was a decline in intimacy after the first ten years or so (his choice, not mine). He always explained those things away, so I was never concerned, I always believed what he told me. Always.

Even my family said he was the most trustworthy son-in-law they could imagine. He always said he would never leave, that he would take care of me forever. He progressed in his career with my support and sacrifice of my own (frequent moves, helping him through grad school, etc.)

Now he is selling our house and has bought a new home for himself worth more than four times as much; he is leaving me virtually homeless, dropping me from his insurance, taking our only car, offering no support - you get the drift. I actually understand what legal marriage is for now.

The OW tells him that I am "pathetic" and that its "not his job" to help me. He conveys all of this to me. I sometimes wake up feeling so worthless and betrayed that I want to die rather than fight for my dignity. She (OW) has 'dumped' him twice in their month-long relationship, claiming that he still cares about me, but then he cries and they come back together in less that 24 hours. If what he is telling me is true, they met on the internet, she lives two states away with her ex-boyfriend and a child who calls her MaMa but is supposedly not her biological child, and most of their relationship is by phone and email though he admits to having visited her several times and all that entails. I am horrified to see him debasing himself and grovelling to her, but he "loves" her.

This man was solid as a rock before this. He was the ultimate responsible and caring partner. He was admired by everyone for his stability. I never questioned that he loved me - he was warm and generous and attentive up until just a few weeks before he dropped the bomb when he suddenly became very agitated and started doubting himself. I suggested he see a therapist, which he did a few times. He was asking me questions like, "Do you think I might be a sociopath?" And, "Why do you love me?" I was offering him comfort and support, telling him he was a wonderful person that I adored. He had anger issues (he got physical with me) early in our relationship, but they were long in the past, yet he brought them up several times in those few weeks saying he was "despicable" and I deserved someone who truly loved me. He seemed to be making excuses or trying justify his impending decision to bail on our relationship. Since then, he has rewritten our entire history together, saying our relationship was always terrible for both of us, that there was never any happiness. I grew up in a very volatile home and I can tell you that our relationship was (in comparison) about as placid as they come. We were always doing things together: activities, happy home life, volunteering, visiting family, home improvement, cooking together, laughing together, gardening, taking walks. He's literally gone from emailing me several times a day to ask how I am doing and just to say "I love you" to moving out in a matter of weeks. There was no 'growing apart'- he just seemed to have a major crisis of confidence in our relationship and then decided it was worthless and time to start another! As I mentioned, he was seeing a therapist, but told me he had already made the decision to leave me but that she validated it.

When, a few weeks after saying IDLYAM he confessed to me about the OW he was in a panic of guilt but was also visibly exhilarated and was bragging that she found him 'handsome' and that he had confessed to her all of the terrible things he had done to me (not all that terrible in my book), but that she still said she desired him more than any other man. Then he started crying and said that he just wanted to know if he was "defective" and if he was capable of "feeling something" beyond the "superficial emotions" he claimed to have only ever had for me. He also said his therapist was worried about him and the fast pace of his new internet romance.

It is beyond devastating to hear that the reality you have been living - the deep bond of friendship and love that you have with your partner - was only ever "superficial" from their perspective. We made it through so many significant life events together, our relationship felt deep and true to me. I had cleaved to him and he used to say that I was truly his "better half." Was it all really a lie, or is this typical for a WAS?

I've spent hours reading about midlife crisis, but does this seem to fit the pattern? He never showed discontent with me like they talk about in DB, he just seemed to give up. He said his therapist said that he was not having a midlife crisis, but rather he was recognizing that our relationship was stagnant and got off to a bad start and it would be good for both of us for him to end it. However, I feel that his therapist got an extremely skewed version of our lives together as he was already in the process of rewriting history to justify leaving.

Can I bring back the wonderful and stable man I knew or is he gone forever??? If my recounting of events sounds confusing it is only because I am so confused too! It all happened in a flurry: self-doubt, relationship doubt, "I don't love you any more" but lets be friends, "I have to take a risk to find happiness", "I met the love of my life on the internet", "you are worthless and I need to start over without worrying about helping you because we were never married"...now, no contact. All in just a few short weeks, my life has been dismantled.

All I want to do is cry to the man who was my rock, but he is the cause...what happened to him?

I would use any available resource (and then think of a few more) before asking him for help.

More than anything it shows him, it will start you on a road to feeling more confident. That's really more important than anything he'll see.

You are so not alone. It is devastating what has happened, there's no getting around it. Doesn't mean you can't get through it though. You really do possess more strength than you know.

So, what will you do for yourself today? Your Mom is right about the things you can do right where you are. Even if you have to haul yourself out of bed and you do something while your bawling...do it anyway. It will help you feel better about you.

I like to take long walks/hikes and when all of this hit me, I would walk along (sometimes crying the whole way) until I felt a little better and could think. Whatever it takes so you can think clearly. And that takes time.

Hang in there and do post often if it helps.

HUGS

AA35,

I bet you read the book and the lightbulb went off and you thought, "That is what will work!"

And it might, in time.

There are no quick fixes, or magic bullets, or guarentees; if there were that book would have cost severl thousands of dollars...or pounds.

I belive and still do that DB/DR gives you the best 'chance' if you are honest with yourself and are consistent with your actions and goals to save a persons relationship.

The LRT...despite the T meaning 'technique' is in fact not a trick, or tactic. You literally have to be willing and able to end your relationship if it doesn't go the way you were hoping.

For myself in that situation. If he had been on the phone with her, I would have told him that I found that it was still new for me, and I deserved better from him.

LRT is also about standing up for yourself, what is acceptable and what is not and laying down some ground rules. That's a hard thing to do, right off the bat, because most people allow others to break the rules if they think their spouse is showing signs of coming around. When usually it just makes the LBS look toothless.

AA35, so sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us. Take heart, you are not alone. We have all been there, we are better now, you will be better also.

Just before my W dropped her bomb I purchased a 9mm. I my mind the 9 and this sitch were related. The 9 began to look very friendly and a solution to the pain. It is gone, sold to a cousin.

When my mom was 10 yrs old her father found a similar solution and went through with it. The scars, anger and pain she still carries at 84 yrs old prevented me from following through.

Your people will experience similar if you follow through. Do not. Do not. In the entire world there is only one of you. You are unique. Do not deprive the rest of us and your loved ones.

You will get through this. It is a marathon not a sprint. You will have set backs, use them to learn from and grow stronger for the next mile.

While waiting for a post to show up read others. Follow the links some of us have posted to our first post. See how we’ve grown; see how a few have actually busted their D, see how we are all stronger, realize you will be stronger too.

Start a journal copying what you find here that speaks to you. Mine is in word and a simple copy and paste. I review it and from time to time post from it.

I find physical activity helps me GAL, got to love those endorphins. Do what works for you. Sometimes a couple of deep breaths and a walk in the park for a change of scene is enormously effective.

"It is beyond devastating to hear that the reality you have been living - the deep bond of friendship and love that you have with your partner - was only ever "superficial" from their perspective. We made it through so many significant life events together, our relationship felt deep and true to me. I had cleaved to him and he used to say that I was truly his "better half." Was it all really a lie, or is this typical for a WAS?"

I hear ya, AA35...8 weeks ago my W of 9 1/2 years dropped the "I've never loved you...I should never have married you...and I'm in love with someone else" bomb on me. Out of the blue. Completely blindsided me. I felt like my whole world was yanked out from under me. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Every waking moment my thoughts were of her and how could she do this to me?

Finding this site was the best thing that happened to me during this horrible time. I was amazed at how many others were going through exactly the same thing. My feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing and being "damaged goods" started to recede. I realized there was nothing I could do to change her, her emotional affair (EA) with the old high school friend or the way she treated me.

But I could change me, and I started to. And that is the key to getting through this mess, AA35. You can do nothing about your H right now. He is in another galaxy, and nothing you do or say will pry him out. So focus on you, your needs, your desires. Move, and keep moving. Sitting still causes the demons to come out and move into your head. Run, bike, lift weights, go to a gym or just walk like your life depends on it...because in a way, it does. Spend time with close friends. Read everything you can find about affairs, divorce, marriage, relationships...it all helps you gain perspective on what is happening and how you can deal with it.

It will take a long time; I'm just at the beginning of my journey and you are at the beginning of yours. But even if the worst happens, and your H does not come back, you will have created a top shelf version of you that nobody can ever take away.