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Make plans to go to the U2 concert with a friend LP. I'm not sure that you should have told her that you wanted her company anyhow. Just my 2 cents.

BITS
Denver

Well, a little late for that eh?

I did have mixed feelings about telling her that. I'm kind of looking at this as a closure moment, a last hurrah I guess.

One of the problems I have that I'm trying to fix in myself is indecisiveness. I'm great at looking at all three sides of the coin. Rather than trying to examine all the pluses and minuses in who to take, I decided to just decide and live with it.

Right now, the door between us is shut. This allows her to peek through the door if she wants. If not, I do have a backup friend who said he would go. Best part is, he works at the same company a row from her, so she could easily give him the ticket if she wants.

Wish me luck though!

Why is the door shut?

I gave her a letter 3 1/2 weeks ago essentially saying I loved her, but I couldn't be in her life while OM is.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2157605&page=8

The EA/PA has been going on in front of my face for a year and I just don't want any part of it any longer.

I believe that if we hadn't bought the U2 tickets 2 years ago using our joint account I wouldn't have thought twice about inviting my friend instead.

...and yes, I know that if W goes to the show it's the opposite of what I wrote. I kinda hope she declines. Then again, I really want her to go.

Grrr, stupid feelings

This is what I meant when I asked you why you say that the door is closed.

Is it really? It doesn't sound like it man.

I'm not being critical in the slightest. I'm just trying to get you to think about what your goal is here.

You need to know what your goal is before you can develop a strategy that has a chance to be successful.

BITS
Denver

Hmmm, maybe my strategy of flailing around blindly isn't as clever as I thought

Honestly, my short term goal was/is to stop the pain and remove myself from the sitch. The letter I wrote was more for my benefit than hers. I got to my breaking point and anything else I said or did would have made things worse. I gave myself a time out.

Now, I wouldn't mind dipping my toes in the water so to speak. I'm not ready to jump back into the pool with W. I'm not ready to have a R with her and I don't think she's ready to have one with me. I do want to keep that possibility open for the future though.

I guess my goal right now is to slow the world down and deal with all the stress that's been dumped in my lap over the past year or so. I'm rather overwhelmed, so I'm trying to do various GAL activities (running, volunteering, concerts, reading, etc.) to help me cope.

Are these reasonable or manageable goals? I really don't know.

Journaling on a related subject (me):

got an email yesterday from MIL where she sent me a link to a video from Dr Harville Hendrix dealing with communication issues. My response back:

I've watched the videos you linked and I found them very insightful. I want to say I've read something from Dr. Hendrix, but I don't remember what (not like I've read many relationship books lately).

Communications between W and I were horrible. I'll be the first to admit that. There is a dynamic called pursuit and withdrawal (or something similar) where one partner brings up an issue and the other partner, upon hearing (potentially) painful things withdraws and does not participate in those discussions. I am a classic withdrawer. I want the world to be sunshine and roses, so when it isn't and I'm involved, I don't want to talk about it.

For myself, the problems probably stem from my childhood. I was *not* encouraged to share my feelings; in fact, some classic lines included "I'll give you something to cry about" and "get over it". When down, I had no one to turn to to help make myself feel better, and I learned that if I just played along, no matter how I felt, that life would be smoother.

As you also know, I was emotionally abused as a child. When someone raises their voice to me and/or scolds me, I feel like a two year old. Now, I know this and know that I need to stand up for myself when this happens, but so many times I forget this while it is happening. I know this behaviour stops when I assert myself, but I haven't reached the point yet where I do this consistently or automatically. W and I got to the point in our relationship where it seemed like every little thing I did pissed her off, and the more upset she got, the more I withdrew into my shell, feeling two feet tall.

Our Retrovaille weekend was supposed to foster deeper communication between us. W was so upset by the weekend though that we never followed through on the lessons they taught us.

At this point, I feel like I'm in a catch-22: I can't open up and feel comfortable with someone until I feel safe, but I won't feel safe with someone until I make the emotional connection needed, which includes opening up and exposing myself.

I guess this is a long winded way of saying thank you for sharing the link If you're around the next couple of days I can drop W's things off. I'll drop off her concert ticket also. If she doesn't want to go, I know other people that wouldn't mind. Talk to you later!

Just got an email from W about the upcoming concert:

Do you have someone you would like to take to the concert? I would like to go but there are still available tickets and I know you don't want to see me right now.

Not sure how to respond...

I would go with a friend. If you bought those tickets that long ago it means you really want to see the show, and given the sitch I'm not sure you'd enjoy it like you deserve if you go with your W.

You said you couldn't be in her life while the OM is, so stick to that.

P.S. I'd totally go with you

Awww DG (blushes)

Sent the following reply:
(Mutual friend) expressed an interest a couple of weeks ago. You could ask him if he's still interested since he sits by you.

I think I was trying to read something into her reply, the "I would like to go ... and I know you don't want to see me right now." part. Almost fishing for something. Maybe I'm trying to read to much into things. Probably.

In a small moment of clarity, I see that everyone was right about asking a friend instead. *I* know I miss W, she probably misses me too. I have to prove to myself that I'll enjoy my life with or without her.