OK, now I've got my bearings. Please don't feel you need to thank me for working with you on crazymaking, because you're actually doing a service for me by forcing me to think how this permeates through the tapestry of my own sordid life...
I appreciate having someone give me chances to keep working on this.
I think Dr. K. absolutely requires down time that is solitary in nature. I've now seen months of evidence to support this statement. When he's feeling anxious, nervous, frustrated, whatever, he has to retreat back into the cave. (He seems to fit the Martian to a T--the Mars/Venus thing...)
Knowing this, I think it would pay off in a big way if you can accommodate this need for him in as cooperative and nice way as you can...
My guess is that the other professor lives in Richmond because there are more things to do there and more of a variety of things to do with a younger family... I don't think the schools are any better there, but since I haven't lived in VA for awhile, who knows?
Why not work with Dr. K. in a direct fashion? You sort of understand what his underlying need is (to have some space) and maybe what he's driving at. But maybe you're ASSuming?
Why not sit down with him and ask, "Dr. K. you've brought up the teaching job in VA several times. It's enough for me to know that you're seriously considering this career opportunity. I feel that you have some reservations and would like to discuss this with you."
Then you can move on from there.
I'm not seeing this as much of an issue with crazymaking as a fear that by moving to a new place, you're going to feel needy and insecure by not having friends or a job and he doesn't want to be the one to fill that need.
Gosh, I'm not trying to hurt you here... please know this. I'm just trying to imagine being him for a moment.
SOOOOO, the answer is compromise. You're going to have to show him your list of goals for yourself and how you're setting out to achieve them (relieving him of that perceived responsibility) and finding a way to reassure him that you're supportive. And on the flip side of that compromising coin, you are going to have to accept that your man needs some space.
Because the school he's looking at is a damn great university... and we both know it's a great opportunity. If I have any pros about moving back home in the future (Mr. W.'s job is there), it would be to send D9 to college in VA... their state schools are wonderful and nearly all of them rank high in the college listings (and yes, it makes me happy that I got my education there).
As far as open ended conversations go, why not try this tact and see if it works:
Dr. K: "Okay, I'll call you later.... bye!" Trish: "Before you go, I just want to let you know that I'll be job hunting this afternoon. If I'm not home, please leave me a message so I can call you back, okay? I love you!"
This lets him know that you won't be sitting around waiting for him to call, you're busy BUT you're available to him.
I see those as being important to him. He doesn't want to "take care" of you, Trish. He wants to BE WITH YOU. This puts you in the driver's seat of your own car. No, you can't ask Gripman to come be your limo driver!
This is all stuff you can manage! Besides, didn't you hate giving him all that power to make you happy or miserable, to make decisions for you and to decide when? Now you've told him that you can do this, and it makes him feel happier too.
Where's the lose here?
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Followed by approximately one hundred lines of typed report - LOL!!!
And about those assumptions - it may help to always think of a possible positive assumption to every negative one that we jump to, just to balance things out and keep us on track!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I think I would like to laminate that last answer of yours Betsey! Carry it around and read it everday for a week!
Heck , for a year!
Sometime I want to know what you're getting out of this( I really do)....because considering how you've saved me....I can't imagine how I ever could help you enough to pay you back!
Trish
LivnL: I'm glad you managed to get through it my friend. I had no idea when I started!!
Who else would give me ideas like cleaning his windows on a frozen night or sewing a button on for him? (Which, BTW, I'm going to have to bite one off so I can do that..)
How on earth would I have seen how my own addiction helped take my man down? I hadn't realized it until you hit that nerve... and I still clearly the day that you wrote that post that paralyzed me with a sickening feeling in my stomach...
Because I knew I was heading down a path that was going to reveal. God works in wonderful ways, Trish.
And Pam and I are still trying to get as much PMA as you had last Friday. You withdrew ALL the PMA that we had collectively deposited in the bank!
So I'm going to be very anxious to hear how you two get this settled. Somehow I know that you're going to come out smelling like a rose. You have a knack for that, you know? It's not a fluke...
Big hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Sorry to have left you hanging! The flow of wednesday and yesterday wasn't quite the way I thought it was going to be Wednesday night he called me late(10:30pm) after his class.I was surprised, but I had thoughts of just talking making no plans for "us" because I need to pull back like we discussed, give him space and do my own thing.
I think I even told you I didn't think he'd call until thursday night.
He said he'd had a good class and we talked about his meeting with shark lady. He was able to let her know he thinks they need to bring on someone with trial experience and he even came prepared with a few names of other attorneys .++++++
You can imagine her reaction to this!! Splitting her pot with another lawyer! I wanted to laugh! She must have been fuming! He said the first half hour was not pleasant. So much for her gestalt training of "staying in the moment"!!Haha
They (Dr.K, Shark and Assist.) revised her original draft of the compliant so Dr. K is a bit happier. Her version was rather poor in it's accuracy (time line stuff) so that was all good.
And she made a big blunder She let him know that another faculty member from the school contacted her for representation. This woman is also claiming a disability discrimination??!! and is cousins with the guy who is Dr. K's nemisis at the school!!
Dr. K is smelling a RAT!
He even said, either the Univ. is trying to dilute the case, find out more about his case, or Shark Lady is stupidly trying to lump Dr. K's case in with another!! Anyway you slice it, Dr. K's radar is up and he's suspicious now more than ever of shark lady!+++++++++
Then I mentioned what my plan for the next day was, work and meeting with MY lawyer about the assault case and working out. He asked how I was going to work out in the cold? (It's minus #@$%^ something here) I said I would just do cardio at the house (let him know I was busy but not disappearing) .....
I asked what, if any, his plans were for the next few days? His reply was: "not a damm thing!" ........I asked if he was going to work out? (he never does not work out!) " no, and I'm growing a beard."
"mmmm, sexy!' I said.
I sensed he was a little more depressed than usual so I suggest we work out together tommorrow at his gym? Maybe? Only if he could get me in of course and after my meeting with my att...... His response was positive but then he followed with "well call me at lunch tommorow because I'm not sure I want to go work out at that time."
Okay, great with me!( not said out loud) because the last thing I wanted to do was impose myself on him....
I would be just fine with not working out. In FACT, I decided right then and there that when I called him I would just beg off ...tell him I was too sore or something. "That I really appreciate his trying to get me in at the gym, He's so sweet, but that I got the feeling that he wasn't really up for the workout and we could do it some other time!"
So I called him around lunch and said exactly above. He said he was really up for it and he had already called to get me in! Let's shoot for about four! I will call him from the lawyers and what did I want for dinner??????!!!
We agreed on dinner...and then I said of course I won't plan on staying over....he responded with: "oh, yes, you can... you know you're always welcome to stay and we can ML all night!
NOW WHAT DO I DO?????
So I went to the att., called him after and we worked out, made dinner. I just thought good, I will get my chance to discuss the VA issue.........
The workout went well.....on the walk back to the condo he asked where I was parked?? I explained how I had given the car to Matt,after our talk this afternoon, because I would be staying at the condo tonight. This would allow Matt to get out to his job tonight, in an outlaying suburb, without having to rely on buses or anyone else.
This set him off on a mini tiraid of how I am "enabling" our son NOT to get a better job by continuing letting him be dependent on us!. How he is now going to rethink our keeping the Honda because it was he who paid for it this month and if I continue to let Matt use it without paying........
I did not defend, I did not argue. I did not say he was overreacting. I tried in a very slight way to agree that I didn't want to do any of that.
I was very discouraged because this is old behavior on his part. He accusing me of affecting our children in a negative way.
Well, after a really good dinner( I made homemade meatballs, spagetti, and garlic bread), I brought up the subject of VA and how I had spoken with someone at work who used to live in VA....and she says it is lovely and the cost of living is reasonable.... (I did not say it was YOU!! ) I thought this would be a good lead in....
NO!
He was outraged that I would be talking about HIM!
I tried to assure him I had not talked about HIM.
Why hadn't I talked about things about myself!
I do,this was just a casual conversation about VA.
Maybe I NEED TO NOT SHARE ANY DETAILS AT ALL WITH YOU!
No reply.
When is this going to be off me? Why is the focus on ME! and not on you being you!?
I said it wasn't on him...I had just had a casual conversation and thought he would like to know....
" Well, maybe if I were to get the job!" he says as he leaves the bed and goes into the kitchen.....
Now, I realize he is particularly sensitive right now..... But his reaction IS out of proportion.....don't you agree? What signs do you think I missed here if any? I wanted to get to the part about telling him about how we won't be underfoot with each other. How I have goals of my own and plans but I couldn't go there without sounding like I was defending myself!!
What if I had met someone and talked about Orlando?? Or any other place....would he be as upset???? Somehow,I don't think so.
So I just let the subject drop.
I wished later that I had said something like, I DO have goals of my own and here they are but I froze and didn't know what to do other than stay calm and not respond, just think about what he said.
He came back in and we watched TV and the rest of the evening was "normal"!!!!!!
It took me awhile to calm down inside. I was actually pretty mad at him. I tried to just appear calm as I sat next to him on the bed.......I engrossed myself in the news.
Then after awhile we took our blood pressure. I know..... don't laugh!! I did. At how funny to do THAT after his outburst!!
H commented on how mine is like an athletes and his is good too! ML, had a snack that he made. ...watched the news, and kissed goodnight.
Slept well, but when my eyes popped open I was thinking how I really didn't accomplish my goal. I was very unhappy with myself because he thinks I am using him for a life too much. I didn't defend myself at ALL!
When we did get up, no hug or kiss right away. I was VERY disapopinted , but I think he was trying to be efficient for me to get up and off to work.:( no biggie I kissed him in the hall a few minutes later and he smiled.
I said I would make coffee... he said great, but as we headed to the hall he went in and started to make it, told me to use the bathroom first. I think he was again trying to be considerate.
Last time I made coffee he commented on how good it was to wake to the smell of it. I have no idea whether this is anything...I'm not really reading much in there. It could just be too many things. Maybe he doesn't like my coffee!! I have no idea. I would have liked to have made it for him though.
I got dressed, he read stuff in the paper to me and we watched the news. He said we should go see a movie this weekend and we had a good, gooodbye. He said I looked great....double kisses...and he patted my behind as always.
I said I guess I would call him later after work? ( I'm learning! I was a bit more direct). I said I would call from the house? He said he wasn't sure if this would be his night?? the new postings go up tonight so maybe he would be busy, let's talk later.
No biggie...the weekend is here and we have plenty of time.
I said okay. I really am okay! I'll call later. He went back to reading the paper after making sure I was bundled up. He had a smile on his face when I left.
135 lines not incl. spaces for all those who are counting! Trish
Well, first of all, I think you maneuvered through those mine fields just dandy. But I guess I'm still sitting here surprised that he reacted the way he did.
I think I need to mull this over for awhile, because my mind is completely blank.
And chances are, you'll have either figured this out or he will give you a clue on why he reacted the way he did before I come up with anything.
Could it be his worry over the lawsuit and Shark Lady? Is he just so totally overwhelmed with all the trials and tribulations that are occurring that he can't see his way out of a paper bag?
I really am at a loss.
But not speechless--GO YOU! You did very well with damage control.
Life is hard, isn't it?
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hey, I'm just glad you got throught the monster post....
I'm a little clueless myself but not horribly over worried. As I read back through it there were more positives than negatives....I just wish I had been a little more self assured and ready on the draw with answers.
I'll spend time tonight thinking things over, your post AND mine ....I have to give up comp, to D23 for a couple of hours...then I'll be back on ASAP!!
I have to pick Kevin up this afternoon and this morning I am cleaning so I have that all out of the way to give me time to play with the puppy!
I LOVE puppies!
Sometimes I wish I was where you are at with your H and sometimes it would drive me crazy to be where you are at! But I think you are doing a great job of dealing with everything!
{{{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
, for a year! 
I had no idea when I started!! 
work and meeting with MY lawyer about the assault case and working out. 
........I asked if he was going to work out? (he never does not work out!) 
...tell him I was too sore or something. "That I really appreciate his trying to get me in at the gym, He's so sweet, but that I got the feeling that he wasn't really up for the workout and we could do it some other time!" 
...watched the news, and kissed goodnight.