I recently lost 35 lbs.yah!!...so I don't eat that much anyways...I can go a day or two without eating much of anything!....I tried to eat a sandwhich last night, but could barely manage half.....just as well....I seem to do better wihtout food..it just upsets my stomach...
I think my sense of humor is hanging on fairly well..... We sure had fun last night!
Wheeling West Virginia on New Years Eve is not the most sophisticated place to be...but it was funny!!
This morning I was just roaring about the Michael Jackson "feces on the wall" nonsense...Dr. K did a hysterical mimic of him before I even got out from under the covers .....
Wish my stomach would settle!! I'm fine if I don't eat anything, but I'm getting HUNGRY!!
I ran three miles today with D21 and we went shopping++++
Dr. K is being a !@#$%
He called this afternoon to tell me the bankruptcy lawyer called to see about setting a meeting for next week.......He said nothing about getting together anytime tonight or tommorow ....
He DID say if I was more fully employed we wouldn't be losing the house and cars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also as far as he is concerned I should quit my job because it isn't paying enough!
Then said he'd "call later" gee, thanks!!
Well that was at 2:30. His idea of later was 9:00pm when it's too late to do anything or get together. Guess I have to attribute this to "crazymaking".
I had decided that if he hadn't called by 7pm, I was going to be unavailable for the evening.
He can't just treat me like a toy he can take down and play with when he's bored or tired.......Then dismiss or ignore me when he's had enough time together or sex.
I am really pissed right now!
Mostly at myself for making things so easy for him that he can just take me for granted. Like I wouldn't have any plans for tonight and he could just call me and I would be here waiting!!!!ARGH!!!!!
So he called and I acted "as if" .....AS IF I wasn't home!!
LOL LOL
When he called back at 10 I did answer and he asked where the hell I had been!! said he's feeling possessive( hahahah). I played coy for awhile and he said I still hadn't answered his question.
I told him I was at the bookstore making out behind the science fiction section!!
Anyways we had a good convo and I think I'd better be a little more unavailable.....
I mentioned how much fun we had had on New years and he agreed that it was alot of fun!!... Got to talking about building a house together!! I'd love to do that someday and what fun that would be, also it looks like our daughter's getting very serious with her boyfriend and what if they want to get married, how we have no money!!
Yeah, well we better get crakin' big time on getting new jobs......
I've been so lax in posting lately--mostly due to my bizarre and beyond hectic schedule. Whew!
So what is our mysterious lady going to do to occupy herself this weekend? Seriously, I think you're on to something here... in a big way.
What do you have to say about his comment about a better paying job? Are you in a job you like? Spill the beans here.
Okay, on a good note you ran today. Three miles? I'd be dog dead tired after a quarter mile... and I'm not joking. I can hardly wait to head back to the gym next week. I'll probably die of exhaustion, though.
Need to post to Pam on my thread before I retire...
Talk to you tomorrow? I do have to take down the tree and decorations, though.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Since this whole thing happened in August I don't think I have had a "normal" feeling day or a "normal" weekend.....I think I've forgottten what that is.
This weekend we had horrendous rain in our region and the flood warning were serious this time...I say "this time" because for the most part folks around here ignore these warnings unless they are out on the rivers.....
But true enough there have been a lot of roads flooded out and now they are calling for snow 6-9 inches in the next few days.
D21 went to the same resort for the weekend as Dr. K and I did on New Years....which is on a river in W.VA.
Dr.K kept calling her to tell her about the warnings and then calling here to see if she made it home okay......actually he called and was peeved she hadn't called him back......and mad that she seems to put her boyfriends schedule first! (Duh, what does her mom do for Dad??) and how she always goes along with him on these adventures (also just like her mother)... How she's gone for three days with no calling home...(she is 21, a brainiack and very capable and her boyfriend is very trust worthy)...besides she doesn't check in when she's up at school now does she!!
Both sons were at home so no problem there...
I think I DID hit on something with the "be a bit more mysterious" idea from the other night.
I feel that Dr. K just takes me for granted a little too much... and it's so out of balance.....
Example: I won't know what he's doing for two days...no phone calls or e-mails...When he calls me I have to be carefull not to ask too much or be upset that I haven't heard form him because....he always tells me what he does and I always get told...but AFTER he does it.....so if I asked he'd just dismiss it or be irritated that I ask or just hang up! I'm suppose to wait until he offers it up.
But when he called the other day(at 2 in the afternoon)and said he'd call later? and then didn't call back until 9 pm....what am I suppose to do??!!....wait around to see if he might call at 5 and wants to do something??????
NO!
I am not going to wait by the phone! This is just not in my nature and frankly it pisses me off.....
So I just didn't answer the phone until 10 pm meanwhile he left three messages and when I answered the phone he asked ME...where were you???!!!!!
I guess I would have liked to have said: "Since you kept me waiting so long before calling back and we had no firm plans, because you didn't want to make any, I just didn't want to wait around for your call."
But it would sound small and petty and would not get me to a goal...
Is this is part of DBing???
But, it seems like it's always been this way....
I'm not making any appointments with the C I had been seeing...
I think it's best...she just isn't pro marriage..or least pro MY marriage and she says things like it's really all HIS problem and I should just tell him how I feel..so I'm fine with not continuing with her.
AND I found out who "DR. R" is (from the note and tickets shoved under the door last week)....SHE is a PHd from the building who Dr. K says is engaged to another Phd and they are away in Hawaii for two weeks...live in another unit....He mentioned "They" were interested in buying the unit he/we owns??? for office space.
I guess he just didn't want to have to explain who she was at the time the note came....he knows I would have been suspicious.
What would happen if you actually scheduled your own life (making sure you don't become a crazymaker and completely fill your daytimer)? Scheduling things that mean something to you so that you aren't feeling neglected and unloved while you wait by the phone?
What about friends??? If you only have acquaintances, now is the time to turn some of them into friendships. The kind of friendships that encourage you to spend time with others. Maybe some folks you know from mass?
Or maybe signing up for bible study classes at church or take an art history class at the university? Something to bring YOU joy that only YOU can do for yourself.
Here's why...
When I met Mr. Wonderful back in CA, he had a wonderful group of really good friends. He bowled on Tuesday nights with another group, played racquetball twice a week, walleyball and volleyball on Friday at lunch. On weekends, they hit country dance bars or had BBQs or dinner parties. And man, was he attractive to me. He had a life that revolved around really emotionally healthy people--all of whom cared for him deeply.
So much so that when we announced my moving in to his place, a few of them pulled me aside and "warned" me not to hurt him without reason or suffer consequences... (Yes, and all of them are very supportive of us--me in particular--now.)
When we moved here, he lost that life. All of a sudden, I became his focal point in life and his lifeline to friends. If I urged him to get out, he accused me of wanting to be alone or implied my priorities were screwed up.
So you know what his parting words were on his way out the door (one year ago today)?
You've kept me from having friends and a social life!
What?
I had told him many times over that I loved his friends in CA... why would I refuse to allow new ones in? And furthermore, I couldn't be everything to him... I also reminded him that what he gets from others comes back to our relationship tenfold, so I couldn't imagine where his skewed statement came from.
Yes, the mother ship was making sure he received a different memo for recollection...
The moral of the story is that by getting a life, you become mysterious. I don't mean that you need to find one in the tattoo parlors or anything, but one that satisfies you. You can share stuff with him, but you really and truly need to keep a few cards in this poker game of life to yourself. We all have spaces that are ours exclusively.
You need one!
So think about it for a bit... and then I'm going to love hearing what you come up with!
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
this particular post spoke VOLUMES to me - this shows how incredibly important it is to have MY LIFE back - i was a social butterfly when i met my husband, and i think he LOVED that aspect of me, but when i married him i became SO FOCUSED on him and his two sons, and then eventurally my daughter that i forgot to take care of me
and to think i had the nerve to blame him for the state of our marriage. I AM THE ONE WHO CHANGED - no wonder he fell OUT OF LOVE with me
I didn't have to learn this lesson the hard way... I actually recalled some friends of my parents and their dilemma that resulted from the same sitch and decided at the age of 14 that I would always have a life (even if it is, at times, pathetic).
Yes, I think this is exactly what Michelle refers to in her books about being the person our spouse fell in love with... in this case, that advice should be directed to Mr. Wonderful. Frankly, it was tiring to be his social director...
So what will go on your list too?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well as usual you have hit another nail on the proverbial head.
I have no life.
Just a statement of fact.
Yet I am Dr. K's social director and HE does very little other than work out, go to his classes, grocery shop or do laundry. All other actvities are shared with me........and he has no men friends. I mean true friends. I believe this is most important in life for all of us but especially...men should have friends...they get even more detached than us women, if they don't have any!
So every word you said is important...I do need to have some things of my own and they most definitely add to my "mystery"
It would make me feel more attractive and interesting and very secondarily, because I am not focused on this, most likely attractive to Dr. K as well.......
Mostly...what I really need is a job, a good job, one I can enjoy and sink my teeth into....
Beyond that I will join a book club,I've always wanted to do that and take belly dancing lessons.....(not your typical WASP thing to do no offense anyone, I AM a WASP) maybe finish writing the book I started two years ago( historical novel)...which Dr. K has already critiqued as a poor first effort!
Here's the thing................ I was RAISED to pursue unimportant, non threatening, no skill building activities....I MAJORED in them from birth!.So I tend to feel very guilty if I indulge in anything that has no value other than to enjoy!.........You seee, my whole life was ballet, opera, singing, sewing, gourmet cooking, white bread, don't lift a finger except at the spa to get a manicure kind of existense. It prepared me for nothing!!
Except to be a great person to have at cocktail parties...someone who knew endless bits of trivia to charm and entertain, but had no ideas or opinions on anything relevant...Now I know I should not be complaining because of my priviledge, but my family did us a great disservice by letting us think that life was like that...Real life is not!
Now if I had stayed under their "tent" and married the person I was "suppose" to and carried on their silly tradition, well my life would have been what I was prepared for, but I rocked the boat and left that horrendous existence behind.....
I know I am stuck, feeling like I have no real skills, and I have been waiting to get the kids "launched" and this will not do!( another lesson I learned these last few days)
I can no longer "experiment" I need to find my niche, find my groove and I am sooo aware of this that it is painful and embarrassing. I feel as thought I have been drifting through life and not contributing..
Now I don't think I can save the world...and I promise I won't run off to africa to stop AIDS,
and No tatoo parlors, I promise
But I pray for direction because I am most uncomfortable in my own skin!
.....
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