Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am so lost... Please someone help me!

Well again I thank you all for your advice.

I should start by saying that I do spend time with the kids just before bed and we talk and I always say their prayers with them, I have been doing that for a couple of years now. You are right 25yearsmlc it is beautiful time with them and I am thankful for every second of it.

I introduced the kids to the Reward points Idea for good behaviours and they were very receptive to it. I had them come up with their daily responsibilities (with some guidance) and rewards thinking that would give them some ownership. Man, they ran with it, and when I told them that I was proud of them, they jumped in with both feet and got started right away. I AM proud of them and although I don’t expect their enthusiasm for this to last, at least they will develop some good habits.

I am finding that I am having a tough time dealing with my radical mood swings from depression to optimism. While I try to keep an even keel around my wife (Which I have done pretty well in front of her) I am a basket case at work. I don’t know how to deal with that.

I am not sure how to institute the going out in the evenings idea. The thought of leaving home in the evening even though the kids are in bed is tough to embrace. However I can see the merit of doing so. I have no interest in going to bars, so I have to come up with an alternative plan. I was thinking that I might ask my sister (She is single) to hang out at her place and then go home later at night when I know my wife is asleep. If my wife asks I will just tell her that I am meeting some friends and leave it at that. I hope this throws her off kilter a little and gets her mind whirring. I’m sure I will think of more opportunities to “go out” in the future.

I feel like I am getting stronger (Making myself a better person) everyday. However the emotional pain I am in has not decreased at all, In fact I think it is getting worse. It is difficult to live with someone who you love so much but doesn’t love you back. On the bright side it is easy to lose weight when you have no appetite (and I can feel the lbs melting away). I had to run to catch the bus this morning and it was nice to sprint a half block and not be winded when I got there in time.

As far as “getting in my wife head”, I am trying to understand what has lead us to this point in our R and have made some progress. I know that there have been signs of trouble for a while now and that I have simply been dismissing them. I also have come to a realization about why my wife is so closed off and I believe I know why now. Making that realization has given me some understanding as to why she has put up barriers and has trouble with intimacy. It is my hope that she sees a councillor so that she can deal with it for her own sake. I know that if she doesn’t it will only continue to haunt her and I worry that it will get worse. Is there a way that I can get that idea planted in her head without me being involved?

I am slowly doing what I need to do and although I know that there are no guarantees, I HOPE for a brighter future, right now that is the only thing I can hang onto…

Desperately Impatient… Hopelessly in love… and building a better me…

Johnnie

I so agree with 25 about the bedtime ritual and wanted to comment on it further in my last post but was short on time. The old fashion term of "tucking them in the bed" has become lost on a lot of busy young families, but if you will take this grandmother's advice, you will engage in your children's bedtime schedules. As you go into each bedroom or each bed to tuck the covers around them, it is a sign of you giving them protective shelter and comfort. It's very symbolic but it has such rewarding results and something those children never forget. As 25 has said, it can be a time that that individual child feels he or she has you all to his/her self and will feel like it's safe to talk to you or ask uncertain questions that's on the heart. I hope you will begin this ASAP.

I would suggest that this is one area that you do discuss with your W b/c she may or may not want to take part....but regardless of what she decides.....you get the ball rolling and keep it going. One word of warning...she is not very interested in the home life at this time and she may doubt your ability to stick with it....so don't be disappointed if she doesn't show you support. But if she agrees to your idea, then hopefully, she will incorporate the routine on nights you are out.

Talk to her about your idea for making bedtime better for everyone and give her an opportunity to give her opinion. BTW, do this face to face and not email or TM. Couples are losing out too much by depending on technology to talk.

((hugs))

Well again I thank you all for your advice.  
 
I should start by saying that I do spend time with the kids just before bed and we talk and I always say their prayers with them, I have been doing that for a couple of years now.  You are right 25yearsmlc it is beautiful time with them and I am thankful for every second of it. 
 
I introduced the kids to the Reward points Idea for good behaviours and they were very receptive to it.  I had them come up with their daily responsibilities (with some guidance) and rewards thinking that would give them some ownership.  Man, they ran with it, and when I told them that I was proud of them, they jumped in with both feet and got started right away.  I AM proud of them and although I don’t expect their enthusiasm for this to last, at least they will develop some good habits.
 
I am finding that I am having a tough time dealing with my radical mood swings from depression to optimism.  While I try to keep an even keel around my wife (Which I have done pretty well in front of her) I am a basket case at work.  I don’t know how to deal with that. 
 
I am not sure how to institute the going out in the evenings idea.  The thought of leaving home in the evening even though the kids are in bed is tough to embrace.  However I can see the merit of doing so.  I have no interest in going to bars, so I have to come up with an alternative plan.  I was thinking that I might ask my sister (She is single) to hang out at her place and then go home later at night when I know my wife is asleep.  If my wife asks I will just tell her that I am meeting some friends and leave it at that.  I hope this throws her off kilter a little and gets her mind whirring.  I’m sure I will think of more opportunities to “go out” in the future.  
 
I feel like I am getting stronger (Making myself a better person) everyday.  However the emotional pain I am in has not decreased at all, In fact I think it is getting worse.  It is difficult to live with someone who you love so much but doesn’t love you back.  On the bright side it is easy to lose weight when you have no appetite (and I can feel the lbs melting away).  I had to run to catch the bus this morning and it was nice to sprint a half block and not be winded when I got there in time.  
 
As far as “getting in my wife head”, I am trying to understand what has lead us to this point in our R and have made some progress.  I know that there have been signs of trouble for a while now and that I have simply been dismissing them.  I also have come to a realization about why my wife is so closed off and I believe I know why now.  Making that realization has given me some understanding as to why she has put up barriers and has trouble with intimacy.  It is my hope that she sees a councillor so that she can deal with it for her own sake.  I know that if she doesn’t it will only continue to haunt her and I worry that it will get worse.   Is there a way that I can get that idea planted in her head without me being involved?
 
I am slowly doing what I need to do and although I know that there are no guarantees, I HOPE for a brighter future, right now that is the only thing I can hang onto…
 
Desperately Impatient… Hopelessly in love… and building a better me…
 
Johnnie

Rough day today.  My work announced today that they were shifting operations from our centre to another city.  So long story short I am being surplussed.  This could not come at a worse time.  I felt like I was making some headway, and now it has all evaporated.  

I asked my W if she wanted to go out on the weekend (on advice from my therapist and my family Dr.) and do something fun like go to the movies and she said no...  I am very disappointed.  Furthermore she is not wanting to do anything for Fathers day on Sunday.  I know I should expect nothing from her and that's exactly what I get.  The thing is that I could have really used her support today, and I didn't get any.  She has been in a good mood lately and I wanted to believe that it was because of my 180, but clearly the events of today have set me back.  I have been working on my yelling and have not lost it at all for at least 1.5 weeks now... I am also doing a  lot more of the household chores, child rearing and yard work.  I have stuck to my exercise regimen and have been in a positive mood around her even through todays crisis.  

I don't know how much more I can take.  Thank God I have the love of my kids, without them there would be no light for me.  Everything looks very bleak right now, and it is really tough to keep a positive attitude.  

How will I know if and when my wife is ready for me to start piecing?  What should I look for?  Am I just too impatient?  These last 2 weeks have felt like an eternity.  I have been the one who is walking on eggshells.  This is so painful...   

See if you can watch a comedy movie or play something with the kids on Father's Day. Take them out and do something fun with them. YOU Plan it.

It can't hurt your r with w and it will feel good and it is your day anyhow.

PS can you get on some meds?

Read the list again.

Rough day? I get it...but DO NOT Expect good behavior.

IMO, she has someone else. Don't be offended, but reality is a bitch. What do you want and what do YOU want to change?

The only relief I get is sleep.  Then I wake up and reality is there., no escaping it...  

Is there anything I can do differently?  I have tried to follow the plan as closely as I can.  Am I expecting too much too soon, or am I just delaying the inevitable???   I need to get some positive momentum I am getting tired... 

As far as my job search, basically I have the option to move to a different city, roughly 2 hours away, and keep my position.  That option makes no sense though because the cost of living there is too high.  Also it would uproot my family and I can't do that to them,  I need the support of my family and friends right now.  I can apply for other jobs internally within the company, but they are very few openings (about 1 per month) and now I have 125 people competing with me for them.  The other option is to get another Job with a different company.  I know I that with my skill set and proven performance record  I  am very buyable to another company.  The hard part will be starting over again...  Even though there would be a decrease in pay with this option,  the taxes I pay would be lower too.  In the end I think it will come down to if I can't repost internally (I have 3 months) I will seek a new employer.  

My question is this... Apart from keeping a positive attitude at home around my wife, is there anything I can do to accelerate my efforts at home?  

I am working hard to keep my 180 consistent, and trying not to talk about my R with my W but I feel like this is just making everything easier for her to move on.  I am still convinced that she does not have a physical relationship with someone else though... But, I am worried that if she pulls away ant further she will seek out someone else.  I am really scared right now... I need a sign that I am on the right path.  

Any suggestions?

You don't know me, Sandi, or 25, but we are your friends.

I wish I could give you a matter of fact opinion and choice, but I can't. This is all about time.

Your anger issues....are you an impatient person naturally? Want results RIGHT NOW kind of guy? If you are, you need to learn to throw that $h!t out the window. No quick fix and be prepared to see the end of your relationship. Know this and adjust to it. It's a SLOWWWWWW ride bro.

I'm not saying it's over, but miracles and change don't happen over night.

Well... Happy Fathers day to all you Dads out there.  

Journalling...

Things are clicking along here for me.  I went out last night with my best friend and his wife to see our local soccer team play.  I didn't tell my wife where I was going I just said I was going out.  She didn't ask any further questions, so I didn't offer any info.  I got cleaned up, shaved put on my nice clothes and even splashed on a little cologne.  After the soccer game was over at about 10, I had my friend drop me off about 1 block from home, and when I noticed that the house was dark, I went to lay out on the patio swing for a couple of hours until midnight when I went into the house.  That should get her mind in gear.  

When I got up this morning, my W was gone to the gym, but there was a fresh pot of coffee on, which she hasn't done for me in years.  I opened my fathers day crafts from the kids, and we had a nice morning.  After about an hour, my W came home and she had a fresh coffee and box of donuts for us.  It was a nice gesture from her, even though she has not wished me a Happy Fathers day or signed the card she bought for the kids to give to me, her actions are speaking and I can see that.

I am going to my brothers house today (even though my W is staying home).  I know she does not want to see my family because she knows that they know our sitch.  I felt it was important for me and the kids to go however because she needs to see that we have a life.  I told her that If anyone ask why she in not there (including the kids) I would tell them that she was working on her microsoft office training to add those skills to her resume to help her in her job search, in my head I was thinking "even though my family (not the kids) will know better...  "

I am working hard on my 180 and I am proud of my progress. I feel like I have earned the kids accolades this year for Fathers day and I know we are much closer because of the time we spend together.   I am going to continue to have my mysterious nights out and follow the pattern I used last night.  It has been great that my W and I have not had even a disagreement in the last almost 3 weeks, she seems happier and I know I am.  Although I am pleased with my baby steps I know that until my W  sees a therapist to address her deep rooted issues this is just a band aid on the Titanic... but at least there is some improvements.  

Hopefully with time she will get to a point where she realizes the importance of her issues in our marriage breakdown and wants to work on them.  I know that it is not just her deep rooted trauma which has brought us to this point but we are working on the rest of it, me with my behaviors, her with her job search (home daycare crisis).  And then that third one at a later date.  It is the third one that is the biggest nut to crack however and until it is addressed, she will continue to have intimacy and trust issues.  My hope is that when she can deal with it, she will learn to forgive and open her heart to love and trust again.  Obviously everyone has some type of emotional baggage that they carry around with them, the difference as I see it is to deal with it and move on.  If you lock it in and suppress it, it will come back to haunt you later...

I am on vacation or should I say "staycation" this week, so I will be focussing on household chores, reading my self help books, and putting a plan in place for my impending job search.  Last week was a rough one, but I know there are brighter days ahead.  

Johnnie...

Happy Father's Day, Johnnie. It's good to hear you in a more positive mood. It's difficult to determine we are going to be in a positive mood, isn't it? Sure helps to have those easier days and your children sound like such a blessing.

There is one thing that seems to be a very common thread weaved in the LBH's stories. Almost all of them are very impatient when they do not see a sign from the WAW that she's warming up to the new & improved H.

It takes a very long time for most WAW's to even consider....much less show that she's interested. I used to tell LBH's that I heard it from my H, too, about how he wanted me to be 100% willing to put my all into the M. But at first, all I could do was be willing "to be willing". Make sense? IOW, I had to think about being willing for a long time, and it took longer for me to actually be willing. Guess that's getting kind of murky.

What I'm trying to say is that you have a long road ahead. You have to decide to be in for the long haul, without your W showing any signs. Tough? Sure, just ask the other LBH's.

She will watch you closely, b/c you haven't begun to convince her you've made any changes. After she decides you have, then she'll watch to see if they stick.

So sorry about the job. Sure hope something open fast. Your M sure didn't need that added stress. Remember, your kids need to be assured by daddy that they will be okay.

((hugs))