Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers SL is back

Hi S_C, nice to cross paths again. I seem to recall you gave me some good advice about this early on.

While W does bascially live on caffeine, I don't think it is an addiction so much as a response to growing up in a (very) chaotic home: W had no rules, learned everything early, and was always very independent. My W would describe it as My Big Fat Greek Wedding with some mental illness thrown in. My family would be the stable, but fairly boring one. Honestly, W is strong and fun, and that has always been attractive. This is just the other side of that.

All I need to do is manage to keep up, and let her do her thing, with a minimum of resistance on things except the big ones that are boundaries for me. And to keep getting worn down, and stressed out. This would keep me attractive to her.

SL What I am trying to point out here is that your wife is headed for burnout with this lifestyle. It cannot be sustained over the long term. She must already be showing some physical symptoms of disease such as an ulcer, chronic insomnia, autoimmune disorders...all stress related symptoms.

The caffiene is a symptom of that in that she's trying to keep that adrenaline fueled energy level sustained, it's not an addiction itself, although it can be. When she crashes she will crash hard, unless she gets some help for herself too.

I agree that you need to let her do her thing and save your energy and resources for the really big disagreements and maintaining reasonable boundaries in allowing your own needs to be met.

Perhaps you could ask for help in dealing with the stress and the exhaustion that her behaviour provokes in you?

Had to comment after reading this. Exactly same in our relationship. Wife always was on the move and always complained that i was 'no-fun'.

I was the type to always go at anything 110%. But a few years ago, my body started shutting down. After tests were ran, my doctor told me that I was not producing adrenal hormones. Don't know if that happens with everyone who pushes over their limits for a long time, but I kind of think that it will catch up with her. Nothing you can do about that.

My H was nothing like me and I accepted that fact and just did my own thing with projects, etc. I didn't have the life your W has, but I knew my H wasn't going to even try to keep up with me.

I think you have to be the reasonable and stable factor for your children's sake. You can be fun in small situations. Your W may like the "drama", but you don't have to follow her. Be yourself.....just a better you.

Sandy yes this is what happens in an adrenaline fueled, reactive / survival mode lifestyle. If you're constantly firefighting, living in fear/anxiety , reacting immediately to the least change/demand it can lead to adrenal failure and death.

Put a rat in a cage, electrify the floor enough to shock but not kill the rat, turn on and off the electricity randomly over time. Feed and care for the rat normally. That will rat die earlier than usual, and when a necroscopy is done the adrenal glands are burned out and the rat shows general organ failure as well. Human beings are no different. Stress kills.

I agree with your last statement too: "Be yourself, just a better you."

Many of the things she complains of now ( no fun/responsible) are exactly what attracted her to you too! Just characteristics that have become out of balance.

Hi again everyone, thanks for the responses. Nice to hear from others who have experienced this. Anyone solve these issues??

I'll explain how I've come to see it, just more journaling and perhaps nothing new.

My W has ALWAYS been this way. Really only one thing changed: before our family grew and became complicated I had no trouble keeping up with her, though sometimes I would just let her go do her thing as was fine with that. I think this is one thing she really liked about our relationship and sometimes I remember actually "being in front" on a few things. Over the years I tried to keep our home life a little simplier so that W had the freedom she likes and I had the energy to keep up - explained this to W - but as I've written before W had other plans. Now I'm often tired and stressed - I hold it together to be a good dad and husband but at the cost of frendships, hobbies, and my usual calm, good natured personality. This can back to bite me a few years ago when I began to have some extra anxiety that was just from burn out - got help for that. My response was to try and scale back for the sake of self-preservation, but W found this "no fun" or "controlling". I miss the "old" me, and I'm sure she does too.

So, not to complain. I've made good progress. Really. Much better in the past year. But as soon as I stop paying attention I fall back into the way things were.

None of this is new. I just think that changing my personality, or hers, is unlikely. So it would be easier to change the situation a bit instead.....which means just letting go and letting her do her thing without getting wrapped up in worry or stress.

I should have pointed out....the problem I'm trying to solve really is my response to Ws personality. I don't expect her to change, nor would I really want her to. I just need to understand why it triggers such anxiety in me - whether it is reaonable given the circumstances or not - it isn't helpful.

To me you sound very much like I was(am) SL.

In fact I think many of we LBS are percieved as controlling, responsible and no fun because of it and are in co-dependant relationships. I am a recovering caretaker. Perhaps you will recognise some of the characteristics in yourself that I have posted for informational purposes.

Here is a list of the ways caretaking and caregiving differ. The most basic difference is that Caretaking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control. Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.


Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.
Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.

Caretaking crosses boundaries.
Caregiving honors them.

Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached.
Caregiving gives freely.

Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.

Caretakers worry.
Caregivers take action and solve problems.

Caretakers think they know what’s best for others.
Caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.

Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves.
Caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.

Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.
Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.

Caretakers tend to attract needy people.
Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).

Caretakers tend to be judgmental.
Caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”

Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else.
Caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”

Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises.
Caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.

Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem.
Caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.

Caretakers us the word “You” a lot.
Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

Awesome post!

SC,

Really great advice. Some of this, I do. I used to be a "caregiver" but am more of a "caretaker" now. I've read a lot, including some of the books on co-D. And I've noticed, I tend to do more of this when things are chaotic. (Which is why I try, lately without much success, to keep things from getting too crazy and stressful. I like myself MUCH better when I'm relaxed and easy-going.)

In the past my IC said my life really is very chaotic and stressful and that I handle it very well. BUT that my only healthy response to Ws charging ahead is to detach and let her do her thing. To not try to keep up or take the slights personally.

The question really is how.

Going for IC was a big step. I'll need to think about what else I could do to do this.....