I'm fine with your present protection about the past "non abuse" incident. I am NOT fine with you going forward with her, and not getting some protection.
She will allege this again. She's not well.
She needs help and you cannot give it to her. Maybe she can get counselling under the guise of career advice, but someone has to get through to her (not you).She has big time baggage. I hope her abuse was not the result of "recovered memories" b/c those have been discredited in my circles. (I used to specialize in this area of the law, much to my dismay).
Back to the m... Is it true that You've owned up to what you were/did. If that's true, then today's problems are on her, not you.
Okay then, don't let her keep YOU in the past. No more apologies for the past.
You can CALMLY say "W, I'm done apologizing for the past and the behaviors I have changed. I won't be forced to live in the past (so you can feel like a victim forever). I'm focussed on today and from this day forward...hope you'll join me in the present"...that may sound too harsh or real, so adjust it as you see fit.
But the point remains the same, she's wallowing in false martyrdom and blame.
You are enabling her to abuse you and I seriously worry about her skewed view of things.
What do you want from this M now?
Do you have any boundaries?
Assume she will never want to ML again, with you. Assume things continue indefinitely, and she wants to be "just roomies", oh EXCEPT she gets to harp on you about parenting, and she does not have to pay half the rent, or work or go to school AND she gets to whine about it...
sometimes implicitly blaming you now and then...
and one who has a good chance of falsely accusing you of a crime against your kids, which will at least get you to LOSE them, or requires "supervised visits" and she'd get them full time....at your expense...
BUT a lot of false allegations get recanted when the w's realize that the dinner plate gets broken with those claims b/c the soldier goes to JAIL and the money STOPS...ooops TOO LATE...
but your wife actually believes this stuff. She is NOT WELL...
--NG, I had maybe 6-7 really innocent clients out of 300....they were ALL accused of child sex abuse.
Granted, 75 of the other guys were guilty as sin. But of the innocent men I represented, that was the crime alleged.
I lost 2 cases of truly innocent men, who got 20 year sentences...I cried when the sentence was given out and to this day, I don't know what I could have done differently from a strategic lawyer viewpoint...still haunts me.
I'm so sorry to ask this, but how's that feel as a future for you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
1. If the ADs aren't working for you, try a different one. I'd really suggest you see a Psychiatrist for this most GPs just don't have the knowledge base (I know this is a general assumption)
Studies show that the two main reasons people go off ADs are because of the side effects or they start to feel better so they think the don't need them anymore.
I think what I was on was working well. I was trying to go off them because I was feeling better and was afraid I wasn't being my "real self".
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2. On thing that struck me in your thread is your need to ask W to come along to do things. I think you are kinda setting yourself up. There are ways to ask without asking, but more so let her decide on her own. In my situation I almost never ask my W to come along. I might say I'm taking the kids to the park" if she wants to go she can speak up. Or I will speak in generalities and let her fill in the gap. Like, "I'd kinda like to get outside this weekend."
Sometimes I will just go outside and play with my boys in the yard,that usually draws her out.
Although my W is different in that 99% of the time she will go. We end up doing a lot of things as a family.
I will add that I don't use this approach to try to trick my W into going along. I do it because I want to go to the park with my boys - nothing more.
I agree that I need to try this approach. We'll see how it goes. If nothing else it will be better for me.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
I'm fine with your present protection about the past "non abuse" incident. I am NOT fine with you going forward with her, and not getting some protection.
What kind of protection do I need going forward? I'm not exactly sure what you are referring to.
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She needs help and you cannot give it to her. Maybe she can get counselling under the guise of career advice, but someone has to get through to her (not you).
I've been trying to figure this one out for years now. She seems to be staying away from anyone that might even slightly suggest that her past is still affecting her...I don't think she's been talking to her family about the sitch at all.
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She has big time baggage. I hope her abuse was not the result of "recovered memories"
I just googled "recovered memories". I'm pretty sure that is not what's going on here. She has always been burdened with her past...but I don't think the anger was directed at me until a few years ago.
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Back to the m... Is it true that You've owned up to what you were/did. If that's true, then today's problems are on her, not you.
I have and I agree.
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Okay then, don't let her keep YOU in the past. No more apologies for the past. You can CALMLY say "W, I'm done apologizing for the past and the behaviors I have changed. I won't be forced to live in the past (so you can feel like a victim forever). I'm focussed on today and from this day forward...hope you'll join me in the present"...that may sound too harsh or real, so adjust it as you see fit. But the point remains the same, she's wallowing in false martyrdom and blame.
I'll do my best. I think avoiding R talk at all costs will definitely help. Funny you mentioned martyrdom...I told her she was being a martyr (and tried explaining it to her) about a year ago. That didn't go over well at all...and has been thrown back in my face on numerous occasions since.
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What do you want from this M now?
I want to feel loved and appreciated. I want to be respected for my strengths instead of resented for them. I want my children to see what an open, loving marriage looks like and I want them to grow up in a house with their mom and dad.
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Do you have any boundaries?
I know I don't want to live like this forever...I haven't really put a timeline to that though.
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Assume she will never want to ML again, with you. Assume things continue indefinitely, and she wants to be "just roomies", oh EXCEPT she gets to harp on you about parenting, and she does not have to pay half the rent, or work or go to school AND she gets to whine about it...
sometimes implicitly blaming you now and then...
Pretty much my life for the past 2 years.
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and one who has a good chance of falsely accusing you of a crime against your kids, which will at least get you to LOSE them, or requires "supervised visits" and she'd get them full time....at your expense...
BUT a lot of false allegations get recanted when the w's realize that the dinner plate gets broken with those claims b/c the soldier goes to JAIL and the money STOPS...ooops TOO LATE...
but your wife actually believes this stuff. She is NOT WELL...
--NG, I had maybe 6-7 really innocent clients out of 300....they were ALL accused of child sex abuse.
Granted, 75 of the other guys were guilty as sin. But of the innocent men I represented, that was the crime alleged.
I lost 2 cases of truly innocent men, who got 20 year sentences...I cried when the sentence was given out and to this day, I don't know what I could have done differently from a strategic lawyer viewpoint...still haunts me.
I'm so sorry to ask this, but how's that feel as a future for you?
Not good. Not good at all. Right now I still think that the risk of that happening is low enough that I am willing to take the risk in order to save my M. I will definitely not forget this and let my guard down though.
Thanks again for the help.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Empathy comes with a lot of emotional push/pull, in order to draw things out.
Under normal circumstances, there is no resistance. But in some instances, the person being read pulls back and shuts down when fear and/or anger sets in.
That is where your W likely is. She's shutting it down, because she is aware of your ability to empathize. She is loathe for you to be "right" about her feelings and thoughts, so she is doing her own "180s", causing confusion in you.
Alternately, your own emotional super-awareness is likely interfering with your ability to empathize with her, specifically.
Combine those two things and the results are...? You will ALWAYS be wrong when it comes to her.
Very interesting. Never thought about it that way. Any idea how to overcome this?
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Well, I'm now on day 3 of the new approach. W has been pretty cold to me since our talk last week. Lots of one word responses. I'm doing well not reacting to her.
It is extremely difficult to figure out when and how to talk to her. I almost feel like I can't win...if I completely don't talk to her she gets mad, but if I do talk to her, I usually get the quick, annoyed response.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
It is extremely difficult to figure out when and how to talk to her
.
Figure what's best for you then, when you need to talk, talk.
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I almost feel like I can't win...if I completely don't talk to her she gets mad, but if I do talk to her, I usually get the quick, annoyed response.
NG, how she repsonses to the convo is her feeling. Let her feelings be hers. If you know in your mind you're doing the right thing then how she repsonds is her choice. Don't get caught up in her emotions and actions.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I found that NC ultimately removed the emotional outbursts and opened the door for a softened communication when it finally occurred.
Yes, I have moved much further away now and my W can't keep tabs on me now. And her emails to me are no longer harsh or blunt, they are starting to include things like her personal, social calendar and hoping I'm doing well...
She's missing me... I need to keep letting her, because she's no where NEAR rational and civil conversations about R. I remain otherwise distant. On perhaps only 1/3 of my emails to her am I including well wishes back to her or joking about the weather, or some such.
Friday night after we put the kids to bed, I went out back and made a fire in our fire pit. I just sat there and enjoyed the night. About 30 minutes later, W came outside. She ended up sitting there with me for about 2 more hours. We just sat and talked...no R talk at all, just having a good time.
Saturday, we had D5's soccer game and then a birthday party for a friend of D5.
Sunday, W suggested we all go see Kung Fu Panda 2. We got lunch first and had fun at the movie. I really enjoyed the movie...it had a overall message of "the past doesn't matter...your life will be what you make of it from today forward". Pretty fitting for a lot of us here. Maybe it made W think a little bit too...who knows.
IC tonight. Should be another fun one.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
hang in there... DB techniques rarely work in a matter of days...
besides, she did suggest the movie so that's a positive. I'll post more later.
Take care
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Having a tough day today. W continues to be very short and unfriendly with me. The one word answers are really wearing on me. IC was actually good last night. Lots of talk about how I feel about W now. Also talked about how I probably never got what I needed from our M because I didn't know any better...and instead of bringing it up to W, I protested in other ways which were pushing W and I apart.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
