Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

Five years ago I met a man over the Internet. I was M and he was D. I had an EA with him. Yes, he made me feel really sexy, and said all the emotional stuff my heart had longed to hear....but he would have stood by and watched me end my M of many years...and tear my family apart by the roots.....just to get into my pants! Thank God I found this site!

I defended the OM when DB members told me what kind of man he really was. It took a while, but I believe everything they warned me about him....was right on target!

So anyway, let me join the others in assuring you without a doubt that OW is fake! He won't make it with her....nor will he have a chance to try, b/c she is scamming him for money. That is why she will not settle to be a partner and insists on being M. Don't be surprised when he tells you that he has to take you off his life insurance. She is setting him up in a bad way b/c she's trying to make it legal, according to what's on paper.

I suspect that he met her on line before he told you he didn't love you any more. He fell under her spell and she started controlling him. First thing was her finding out how much he was worth. She knows how to get him to brag about his job and how much he makes. All it takes is a little flattery for some (but not all), then second was getting rid of you. That's probably when he was crying, b/c she told him he had to do it or she'd drop him. By that time he was under her "influence" as if he was drugged. Third, was insisting on M. Now she's getting your name off policies, and next will be the life insurance.

He won't listen to his gut and he believes everything she says.....and he's acting like a puppet! Where is his brain? He can't even think for himself anymore? It is a sickness, as if he she had him bewitched! Sad part is, he thinks it's love.

I've seen other men that had similar stitch happen, and the woman would be talking M after the first date! He's sunk if he doesn't find his right mind before she ruins his life.

Here's the thing sweetheart, you can choose to wait around and pick up whatever ashes she leaves (after she's spent all his money and sold all his properties), or you can move forward with a life of freedom. He won't be free as long as she has her claws in him. If he is ever able to escape her hold, you don't know what may be left of him. But, that's your personal decision.

I just want you to understand something. He was an adult when he took you. No matter how mature for your age you may have been, you were still a child. You grew dependent upon him just as you would a parent. You must feel much like a child would feel when the parent forsakes her. ((hugs)) My heart really breaks reading your posts.

You are valuable and you have people who love you. I love to see a woman with some spunk, and I think you have done a great job in the LRT. But, there is just so much you can do. The OW and your partner? You can't control them, but you can control your life.

Whatever your decision, please do not take the final way out. Suicide harms those who are left behind.

Don't think for a second that God is not noticing what's going on or how you are hurting. It doesn't mean that He no longer cares. God is Love. But we don't have the big picture (much less the big knowledge) that God has, and I don't think we begin to understand His love. We tend to compare His love with what we humans define as love. Don't give up on Him. Trust Him and He will give you strength in those bad moments when you don't want to keep living.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing. See, this bunch here at the DB Board really cares about those who reach out to us.

(((hugs)))

alone


listen to Sandi...(Great post btw)

You are doing VERY well for the situation and honestly, for your age/backstory, better than 90% of the people here.


I love how you've owned your part


I hate how he doesn't own his


and how vulnerable you feel.

As a L, I've had women clients tell me their fears of being out on the streets...including a physician who worked part time so she could be at home with her kids.


Her h left her for younger woman and she was bereft.


I recall wondering how SHE could fear poverty. But she did.




Rational or not, we all fear it. Once we chop our situation into pieces we can manage,

we can manage.



Please remember how much life you have ahead of you and


how it's going to be a lot better within a year or two. NOT to say "look at the bright side" but honestly, meeting women at my old job who were being left after 30+ years of m

and

had NO outside job skills, who'd moved every 2-4 years and raised kids on their own (I'm mostly thinking of military wives...)

They saw only old age, alone, ahead of them. It was heartbreaking and



it pained me. But of the ones who stayed in touch with me later, ALL were happy and leading fulfilling lives...every one of them.


You will too. Keep at it and let us know what's up please. And

In the words of the great philosopher and essayist,




Christopher Robin...

(yes, THAT Christopher Robin, from Winnie the Pooh)


You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Thank you 25years and Sandi,

I really needed your encouragement and sympathetic words today. My posts are passing moderation slowly, but I'll keep posting just because I need the outlet.

Sandi, you hit the nail on the head when you said that I feel like a child forsaken by a parent. When ex-partner took me in, my parents were involved in a bitter divorce and neither wanted custody. There was literally no food in my house - no one fulfilling parental responsibilities - and ex-partner stepped up. He helped me with homework, helped me apply to college, took me on my college visits, taught me to drive, took me to my junior prom...everything. So its no wonder that we fell into a caretaker/dependency relationship.

Still, we had a great, loving, and happy partnership but then about 10 years ago, ex-partner suddenly stopped wanting to have 'physical relations' with me...He said he didn't know why but it made him feel 'guilty' or 'wrong' - ironic that he would feel guilty about it long after I became an adult. His lack of interest in sex bothered me now and then, but every time I managed to lovingly cajole him into 'relations', he'd say "WOW, we should really do that more often!" And he was always affectionate (lots of hugs and kisses), and cuddled me every night and would say, "Isn't that more important and nicer anyway?" So, I didn't push him for more and I always thought he might be a bit depressed, etc., or just have a low libido. Plus, we had such a happy relationship otherwise: no couple had more pet names for each other, more inside jokes, more shared interests, fewer arguments, or a greater friendship than we did. (When he told his guy-friends that he was leaving me, he said they all said, "No way, you LOVE her so much, it makes my wife jealous!")

Then around Valentine's day this year, the intimacy stalemate broke open. I initiated, he rejected me (which I had become accustomed to) but for some reason, it made me a bit weepy. He felt terrible and gave me a Valentines Day card that said "This is a voucher for 'one fixed partner', I am going to therapy to get this issue solved!" I was on cloud nine. Within two weeks his behavior became bizarre and then two weeks later he dropped the IDLYAM bomb.

So in a way, though it seems like he is in a raging MLC, I know the problems were deeper. I think those problems were solvable - but ex-partner couldn't deal with them. He said his lack of interest in sex must be because he didn't love me enough. He also said that he always felt he had to be "restrained" when having 'relations' with me - to which I responded, "I've been restraining myself with you FOR YEARS for fear of scaring you away forever since my interest in sex seemed greater than yours!" It was a breakthrough, but he had already begun his bizarre relationship with OW. (I'm sure he has no problems being intimate with her - but how do I know?)

So, in our last conversation when he brought up "guilt" about our age difference and saying he "just shut down" it was more than the MLC speaking, it was something that has obviously been burdening and incapacitating him for years. I'd like to believe both you that some day he *might* want me back, but clearly he is convinced it could never 'work' between me and him or else he would have fulfilled the promise in his Valentines Day card to work on his issues rather than walking out and starting up with OW.

Yet, at the same time, in the book "Men in Midlife Crisis" I read that during the first stages of a MLC men often completely lose interest in being intimate with their wives/partners and that these "latent" stages of MLC can last for years - but 10 years of 'latency' before hurdling themselves into "replay"!?!?!? If this is attributable to MLC, its been one very long, protracted MLC.

So now you've heard about the one issue that wasn't good between us and which seemed to precipitate this whole thing. How do I possibly address an issue this deep that wasn't mine to begin with?

PART II:

In regard to both of your comments about his relationship with OW... Sandi, I've wondered myself whether it began sooner than ex-partner said it did: like when he started to act bizarre during those short weeks before dumping me. He kept on saying things like, "Was I ever infatuated with you in the beginning of our relationship??" And, "I don't ever remember being obsessed by you at the beginning of our relationship??" He also said over and over, "Its strange that I'm able to be so charming in the beginning of a relationship even though I'm a shy person - I really can charm people!" Looking back on it, it makes me think that something casual online might have been going on.

When he told me about OW, he also said he'd gone to the dating site because he was desperate to see if he "could feel something again." So, its certainly possible that he decided to 'test the waters' online before dumping me. He even said something about not liking the idea of being a 'swinging monkey' in a relationship: 'not able to able to let go of one vine before securely grabbing on to another.'

His relationship with OW also got so SERIOUS so FAST, that it seemed impossible he had only began chatting with her a few weeks before as he had claimed - so maybe he had started up something in that month leading up to dropping the IDLYAM bomb - but he swore to me several times that it didn't start until AFTER he told me "its over between us"! He even says he went on the dating site for the first time when I went to my sisters house for comfort the weekend after he said our relationship was finished.

YET, when he 'dumped me' he seemed so relieved and was actually almost smiling - the exact same smile he had when he confessed that he had found OW - SO WHO KNOWS?!

WHO THE HECK KNOWS!?!

Sandi and 25years, given this new information, do you have any fresh insights for me?

All I can do is survive right now, and its so hard to deal with the hurt of him not loving me anymore...it certainly would be easier if I could believe that his lack of love for me was the *result* of him being infatuated by another woman rather than the *cause* of him becoming infatuated by another woman. Does that make any sense?

He certainly always seemed to be in love with me (though shy about s-e-x) - I even have little love notes he wrote just after Christmas and hid around the house. How did it change so fast?

AA35,

Your posts have touched me as well. I usually hang out on the MLC board but come over here to read posts as well.

Your P's actions certainly sound very familiar.

The ow in this case sounds very fishy. There's something just not right about how all this is working out for your P. I don't think it sounds normal at all. Yes, ow/om are generally insecure about the LBS, but this one is absolutely freakish in her demands. IMO, this one sounds like a predator and I would not be surprised in the least that she has pulled this scam before on some unsuspecting mark. Your P is in a very precarious state of mind right now and is ripe for the picking. She's feeding him a line and he's swallowing hook, line, and sinker.

Sweetie, believe me, I know how much this hurts. My H said many of the same things your P has said to you. I admire how well you handled it.

It's his fantasy that is driving his train now. The derailment won't be pretty for him. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do or should do about it. It has to play itself out. You did not break your P, and you can't fix him. You can however, work on yourself. As these very wise women have told you this does get better. You are stronger than you think, in fact, you've have shown great strength already.

Can you tell us a little about your P's childhood? What was that like for him? This may give us some insight to what is going on now.

Believe me, I'm not trying to get you to focus on either P or ow, but I have found it helpful to me to try and understand why this happened, not as an excuse for it, but as an explanation.

That helped me be able to turn my focus to where it should be, myself and my journey.

(((Hugs))) and I promise, it does get better.

Hi Seeking,

Thank you for your support. I am sorry your H said these things to you as well. One of my prior posts that was held for moderation just came up in my thread before yours. It sheds a little light on one of my ex-P's ongoing issues...I'm not so sure this is just a MLC.

To tell you a little about my ex-P's childhood: it was very privileged, but he has had issues with his parents. These issues surround his mother's unusual coldness (he could never remember EVER being hugged by her or receiving any physical affection), and his dad's remoteness. His dad is the type who won't see you for a year, and then when you come to visit, he will not even acknowledge you're in the house until its time to leave. His relationship with his parents is very formal and unloving.

He said he felt "defective" like maybe he wasn't capable of deep love. Wanting to answer this question was part of what motivated him to seek out OW...He said he had to know whether the problem was some kind of "lack" on his part or whether it was our relationship.

These words were so scary for me to hear...he always seemed to love me very, very much. He really did.

As for my situation, my heart just hurts so much, I can't imagine it getting any better. I am just so distraught and hopeless. I miss him so much. I had no idea how empty he felt. His behavior always seemed incredibly devoted and loving.

He has big time problems not of your making. Not problems you can solve either. And therefore....what do YOU do?

You take care of your life/future. No one else is going to do that for you.
And you truly do have to let go of him. This isn't your problem to solve.

But it is now your journey...

Be the author of your life. If your life were a novel, would you let HIM write it?

B/c he's written the last few chapters, and how have they gone for you?

It's time for YOU to write the rest of it.

How do you want the rest of your novel/life to go?

Let's begin with you making things in your life go the way YOU want them to.

Thanks 25years,

I am on board with EVERYTHING you said.

The thing that I realize, and love about DBing, is that its not about changing him - its about me becoming BETTER. If in that process, by some miraculous turn of events, we come back together as two NEW people, I will be happy. But the goal is for me to be happy either way. (That seems so far off right now, I'm really, really depressed but am vowing to live and keep building my life for another 5 months before I let myself think suicidal thoughts again. [Just to explain, the only way I could deal with those extremely dark urges was by being like Scarlet O'Hara and saying to myself, 'I will think about this another day...in six months...so I gave myself a deadline'.])

Building a new life is the only goal - the only way I will survive. Its also the only thing that could draw him back (if that is even possible or desirable at some future juncture). So the plan is the same either way: get on with MY life.

I agree with you about labels - MLC might have had something to do with it, but ex-P had "problems" (as you say) for a very long time. As I've mentioned before, for 10 years ex-P wouldn't discuss his intimacy issues with me, and then once he ended the relationship we were actually able to have productive conversations about sex for the first time. It makes me sad that it was too late.

Yet we loved each other a lot. I still love him, and maybe deep down, he still loves me (a little). BUT THAT CHANGES NOTHING. I can't stay stuck waiting for him...I have too much dignity for that, and it won't help me in recovering my own happiness, and it won't make me a person that ex-P would ever want to be with again should the opportunity arise for either of us.

The only things I can do are:
1.) REBUILD MY LIFE!!!!
and (less importantly)
2.) Not lay down any roadblocks, hurdles, or burn any bridges with ex-P that would make it impossible for us to have a R in the future should he ever be free of OW, and should I remain single. (Being free of OW is not looking likely at this point - they've been happy together 3 months now and the cohabitation is beginning, and who knows, they might be happy together for the long-term...they are certainly planning for the long term)

I don't like to dwell on OW, but just to answer your question about OW's age/job...I have no idea about her age. Last time I talked to ex-P, she still wouldn't tell him an exact number. She said she was in her 20s or 30s. Ex-P first guessed that she was in her late 20s, now he says she must be at least in her early 30s based on the number of jobs she's held...or she switches jobs often. I should like to hope that ex-P knows her full story by now. Her son is 7 year old, but that doesn't really say much. She also appears to be some kind of nurse, but apparently has done other things as well. She was in a pre-occupational therapy college program, but she is giving that up to move in with ex-P (she lived a state away).

So yes, the age issue is just another example of OW being soooooooo secretive:
1.) legally changing her first and last name at least one time (that she admits to), and changing first names after ex-P started communicating with her.
2.) lying about having a son - saying it was a child she was babysitting, then a child she was planning to adopt, then finally admitting it was her biological child.
3.) refusing to tell her age.

I'm so angry that OW and ex-P are *so happy* together...being abandoned really stinks. I never thought it would happen to me.
The happier OW makes ex-P, the more unfair he's been about issues like insurance, property, etc.

I don't think that ex-P is ever coming back to me, but that doesn't mean that DBing doesn't work...and it is all about the LBS becoming happier without the WAS. Let me tell you about my friend:

Almost 6 years ago exactly, I was in her wedding. Around this time last summer, she discovered that her husband had been having a PA with a woman she knew. Worse than that, she was able to intercept messages and saw the horrible things her H was saying about her: that she was 'crazy,' that he 'wanted a divorce,'that he and OW would soon be married and have children. Well, my friend was distraught and moved out immediately and they began a quickie, no-contest divorce through mediation. You've NEVER seen a woman rebuild a life as quickly as my friend. She didn't want her H back, she blocked all of his emails, changed cell-phone numbers, and refused to communicate except through the mediator. She started dating immediately, she burned all shared momentos, she exposed the affair to everyone (including the OWs parents, whom she'd never met), and she started trying to find joy in every day by herself. Less than a year later, she had to see her STBXH at a final mediation session. The session could barely take place because STBXH sobbed the entire time. When she first found out about her husband's PA, she thought it would destroy her life. It ended up destroying his life and he admitted as much.

Like you say, 25years, in the long run, the LBS can fare better than the WAS...I pray to God that someday that can be me. (But I still pray for my beloved ex-P to start missing me too...its really sick, isn't it?)

Moving on is tough, but it is essential.

ahhh grasshopper

you are learning life's lessons quickly....

Yes it still sukkks, (spelling it that way they don't censor it)


but it does get better...hang in there, you're getting it!

when you drift over to

OW and how happy she makes him,


remember your friends experience...you don't know what's going on in there

and what's "true" today may not be true tomorrow


but mainly, I want to tell you to put a STOP SIGN in your face every time you think of them


Forget it


You only control your life and you and you know this!!

Get self absorbed!

Your story is almost identical to one that was here some time ago. Family couldn't afford to take care of their children and "gave" their teenage D to man.

His lack of affection and/or his lack of self-worth could be the root of his "shyness" that you talked about. But, if he was shy with intimacy with you, how do you think he would coop with a stranger?

And unless he's seen her live....he may not even be communicating with a female! I have read where that happens.

He was seduced and the OP pretended that your P was the greatest thing since candy......which caused his ego to swell, and a chemical was released in his brain that made him feel like he was in love. I know a little bit about that type of thing and I can tell ya, it is addicting. OP is playing on the vulnerability of your P.

I hope he doesn't start sending OP money to finance her move, or for her kid.....or a number of reasons. I think I've received similar emails from China!

Adults have been making decisions about your life...all your life. Now, however, you are free to make decisions for yourself.

((hugs))