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Its 12:30 at night, I'm in bed pretending to be asleep. My partner was supposed to come home on Sunday, then he said Monday after work, then he said Monday evening, then three hours ago he said he was on his way - but still, he's a no show. I guess maybe his plan is just to sneak home in the middle of the night, get his papers and then leave.

I have been working on 180s/LRT all day, was prepared to be mysterious, dressed cute, busy-busy all day "as if" I am moving on, but there is no pain like this.

The man I knew called if he was going to be a moment late, and checked in all day to see how I was doing. Now he is AWOL with another woman. Suddenly I no longer think she lives in another state like he said, suddenly I think he is with her now.

There is no agony like this. He is a different person. No one deserves to be treated this way. I never thought he could so something like this. He was nearly perfect in my eyes. I am crushed. Why is he behaving this way? Where did his love go? Why did he become a monster with no conscience?

He came home in the middle of the night to get his papers and left in the early morning. Few words were exchanged. This was the second time I've seen him that I didn't follow him around like a puppy dog or attempt to elicit his attention by trying to make conversation. That's a 180 for me, but I don't think he noticed the change.

Today I got an appointment with a therapist for my depression. I have no car so I did a 'test walk' to make sure I could get there without having to ask ex-partner for a ride. Its a long walk but I don't have to cross the highway, so manageable. I'm all about being independent now, no matter the lengths. My appointment is in two days.

I have a question. Are the DB techniques applicable to my situation since (being unmarried) he was literally able to walk away after twenty years without any legal or ethical obligations?

In other words, since there isn't any legal marriage to save, is there really anything to save, or do I give up hope?

Since we were not married, and since he has essentially moved out and is already in another relationship, he doesn't feel he owes my feelings or well-being any consideration. Maybe that is true. I feel that twenty years is worth fighting for, but since he has moved on at lightning speed, do I really have even the smallest chance of saving this R? He's totally checked out. Is there any other way to fight for this relationship? As I mentioned before, the LRT has been in practice for almost a week, but he actually seems to be relieved by my lack of presence in his life.

I know, these things take time.

AA35,

As Telemark said, your P is in another galaxy right now. He is buzzing from this new affair and nothing you can say or do can change that. He seems to be having a major MLC and will need to work through it at his own pace. You just have to leave him to it.

The OW sounds like a complete wierdo / control freak and once their honeymoon period is over I would not be surprised if one or both of them call it quits and gets out.

In the time that it takes for this to happen - if it happens - you need to take control of your life, GAL, get strong. If / when your P returns YOU will be to be the one who decides whether you can try again. Following db'ing will help you achieve this.

FF999

Progress Report on my 180s/LRT:

Well, its now been a week and a half since I started implementing DB techniques, I am now also reading DR. I had only a few opportunities to see my ex-partner, but I made the most of them as Michele says to do.

By not following him around, putting pressure, showing interest in the OW, and by always being upbeat about my own life (even though I actually feel HORRIBLE), I don't think I've brought him any closer to coming back to me, but it *has* changed the dynamic of the few interactions we had.

He is definitely more relaxed around me - to a degree. Our interaction time came in the car, which we still are sharing one day a week. At first, uncomfortable silence prevailed (after all, I am not initiating conversation), then I heard a song I liked and turned up the radio in an excited way. Suddenly he started chit-chatting, just small stuff. We got to our destination early and as I was about to get out of the car, he offered to drive around the block a few times so I wouldn't be so early to where I was going. I said thanks and he made a few more jokes as he drove and we chit-chatted like he was his old self.

That night after work I went to a party celebrating the end of the academic year where I teach. He has always accompanied me to this annual party, but he told me weeks ago he wouldn't feel comfortable there even though I had spent $100 on a ticket for him just before he dropped the bomb. At work I changed my clothes for the event, was dressed 'to the nines', I've lost 15 pounds from worry, I wore a tiny bit of make-up (unusual for me), and for the first time *I* noticed that I look *a little bit* different. He didn't seem to notice my change of clothes or appearance, but after I took a shower, he asked me a couple of times how the party was and what happened. He inquired whether I was "sad" to be there without him? I said no, it was a great time (it wasn't, it was actually pure misery for me, but I acted 'as if'). Somewhere in our conversation I commented on how I met a mutual friend's new boyfriend (her divorce was an ordeal and it was good to see her happy). My ex-partner then said, "Isn't she moving on kind of quickly???" I said, "golly, I don't think so, the divorce is final and her new boyfriend seems like an awfully nice guy." Then my ex-partner said, "You didn't get my joke, I was talking about myself."

This is his first acknowledgment that he is moving on at lightning speed by professing his undying love to a woman he supposedly met on the internet just a few weeks ago...(or, as I suspect, started an affair with briefly in real life just before jettisoning our twenty year relationship in the blink of an eye). I didn't take this comment as an invitation to discuss his new relationship - though he just LOOOOOVES talking to me about how perfect the OW is - gag! We chatted very casually a few more minutes about the party, and he asked me the same questions he had asked before...did I have fun, did I drink alcohol or 'get drunk' (a ridiculous question to ask because I am such a modest drinker and he knows that.) He was calling me by his nickname for me a lot during this period of questioning (something subtle that I've missed him doing since he dropped the bomb, so it was the first time I'd heard my pet name in weeks). Then we retired to our separate beds with him telling me he had to leave early in the morning because of the date with OW and he started checking his texts frantically. (The few nights he's actually come home, I have to listen to his phone pinging all night as new messages come in for him...he literally NEVER sleeps waiting for messages from her and it shows.)

The next morning, he was agitated, couldn't wait to get out of the house, quickly packed some of his clothes and left in a huffy mood (nothing to do with me, I assure you, I wasn't even interacting with him).

I haven't seen or heard from him since, and probably won't for another few weeks or until he needs to pick up mail or have me sign papers (since, as I've mentioned, he's selling our home and buying a new one for himself worth more than 4 times as much.)

I feel absolute terror that I have no idea when I will see him or hear from him again, he goes AWOL for longer and longer periods. When I was at the party I felt horrible, as if he has died and will never come back to me. My recently-divorced friend said he "probably won't." I feel like hope is the only thing that keeps me hanging on, and those moments that I lose hope are the MOST terrifying moments I have ever endured. If we had been legally married, it wouldn't be so easy for him to just disappear like this.

Please folks, tell me what else I can do???

Journaling:

Tonight I started walking around the house with an eye towards organizing and sorting for the move. I haven't heard from my ex-partner in five days. He's supposed to be moving out in less than two weeks based on when he closes on his new house/McMansion. I noticed he packed two boxes half full of computer junk and left them in our bedroom. Everything else remains untouched. When does he plan to pack the rest of his stuff? When do we plan to divide the nitty gritty?

I have a feeling that he will wait till I go to my sister's next weekend and take all of his stuff then. I suspect I will come back to a half-empty house needing to be sold and in a disarray, with a pile of bills that can't be paid though his income is literally 10x mine. He can't seem to face me, or even speak to me on the phone to deal with the logistics of separating our lives after nearly 20 years. Sometimes I think that the OW is a way *NOT* to focus on the life he is tearing apart. All of his energy can stay on the fantasy he is building with her.

This is so painful. I was walking around the house saying to myself, "Is this how twenty years is supposed to end? Where is God to step in and show mercy. When will God reach down and intervene? Where is the man who I thought was my best friend and devoted partner??" Two months ago, I thought my life was close to perfect, now it is torn apart.

What do I do? Do I start packing his things? Do I call him to ask him when he intends to gather his belongings? I want to have some say in what "community property" he gets to take and what gets to stay, but to initiate contact violates my oath to the Last Resort Technique???? Does anyone have any insight? I'm happy to stay in limbo-land for a bit longer if it meant he was having second thoughts, but I don't think it does. I think it means that he just can't be bothered to find time to contact me. Coming home in the middle of the night or when I am not home to get things is his M.O., but I feel I need to have some say over the dividing of possessions. Some days it still doesn't seem real that he is leaving and it makes it even more difficult for me to get out of this daze that I am in. There is still a pile of his dirty underwear in the corner of our bedroom...do I wash it and pack it in a box with the rest of his clothes? This would show that I am moving on with my life, but at the same time, it closes a door that I want to leave open. If I wash it and put it away in his dresser drawer, then I appear to be in denial. What do I do with this pile of underwear? It has become symbolic: he is with another woman and he has left me with his dirty underwear.

This morning I woke up with the most bizarre and terrifying feeling - like he had actually died. He has abandoned me in every way possible: there is no contact (he's virtually disappeared), no warmth, no friendship, no interest in meeting his financial commitment to our mutual bills, no interest in my well-being whatsoever. Its like he wants to erase the last 19 1/2 years from his memory.

What does he think he is doing? This is not the man I've known since childhood. How can another woman stand in the way of basic decency to a fellow human being? I'm not trying to interfere in their relationship and I don't put any pressure on him, yet he can't seem to face me even to discuss logistics?

How does the LRT say to deal with this division of property? Do I make contact?

Even though my most recent update hasn't passed moderation, I am here to post some bizarre/terrifying news.

On Thursday I received a call from my ex-partner. He had news for me. His house closing has been moved back to May 26th. "Fine" I said, "Congratulations on the new house."

Well, he doesn't want to move into his new house right away, he wants to stay living in our rental unit - where he promised I could live. "Why on earth" I asked???

Long story short, he's moving the OW from out of state into his new house, but she won't let him move in with her there (she won't let him live in his own new house)!!! The reason is because the child that she has been denying is her child (she was supposedly just babysitting the child, then it was supposedly an ex-boyfriend's child she was trying to adopt) IS in fact her biological child. She thinks there needs to be a period of "transition" before they all live together!

So, apparently, she's such a devoted mother that:
1. She denied for weeks that the child was hers. She claims she lied because the child's estranged father might be looking to kidnap him, but she sent my partner photos of the child less than two weeks after meeting him...not something you do if you are TRULY scared for the security of your child...all the while claiming it was just a kid that she was babysitting.

2. She's willing to give up a stable job and college scholarship to move her child out of state with a man that she met on the internet less than two months ago. (But the man won't actually be allowed to live in his own house with them until she deems proper! Also, she's never let my ex-partner meet the child when he has visited her and he's never been allowed to come to her home, workplace, school, etc. to confirm they even exist.)

3. She's asking this 7 year-old child to give up his familiar school, peer-group, and home, because "She's tired of sacrificing her happiness" for her son.

She (the OW) plans to tell her son that they are moving out of state for a job and it is her new house. My ex-partner will be allowed to visit for dinner until the child accepts him...Or she says, he can come in after the child goes to bed and leave in the morning before the child wakes up.

So back to what HE asked me: can he live with me in the rental unit while the child 'get's comfortable?' I said, "I think your relationship with this woman is bizarre and I don't want to be involved, so no." WHY??? he said, then he said he'll sleep on the floor! I told him that I was very concerned with the mental health and well-being of this child, but NO, I was not comfortable with being any part of this arrangement and if he wants to slowly transition into the child's life, then he should take the relationship with the mother slowly, meet the child on his own terms, and slowly become part of his life. I also told him that I am concerned about the lies the mother/OW has told and I asked if it is possible that she could be some sort of scam artist?

I had a good long talk about this with my partner - he's in la-la land, but he gave me lots of information. He confirmed that he really did meet her on the internet in late March. He says they've had five dates but they talk on the phone every day and she really "cares" about him and they are discussing marriage! He's so happy he could die!!!

He still doesn't know the real story about why she changed her name after they started communicating...some excuse about the estranged ex-boyfriend.

They've only been allowed to meet "at the movies" - first she was living with an ex-boyfriend so they couldn't go there, then she said she moved back to her home but there was always an excuse why they couldn't meet there and why he couldn't meet her son. She (the OW) plans to tell her son that they are moving out of state for a job and it is her new house. My ex-partner will be allowed to visit for dinner until the child accepts him...Or she says, he can come in after the child goes to bed and leave in the morning before the child wakes up. (DISGUSTING!!! I thought we were moral people and that he was a moral person!)

He says he knows everything about her, but she won't even tell him how old she is or what her nationality is (she has a heavy Eastern-European accent, but says she is mostly French, and not a US citizen).

He is talking about marrying a woman he doesn't even really know, after leaving our 19 1/2 year relationship less than two months ago!

What is going on! I still love the man I knew, but this is not the same person! This is an insane person! I'm sacred for him and for myself! What is going on here??!

I am trying to GAL. I'm limiting contact with him, always staying upbeat and friendly (even when I get news like he just dumped on me.) I've applied for four full-time jobs, I'm cleaning out the house we bought together to sell. Now I don't even know if I'll be allowed to live in the rental unit we own in both of our names. I am so scared, so incredibly scared. I can't tell people what is going on or reach out to his family because that is against the DB strategies.

I spend all day praying for him - for his sanity and for this relationship to crash and burn quickly so that he comes to his senses, but I don't think he is going to. I think he is going to marry this woman and be gone forever. I am going to my mother's because I am feeling like a danger to myself...I was doing better, and then this news...this horrible news...

Does anyone have an insights? I don't want to give up on him.

Hi Everyone,

Its been awhile since I posted. My partner moved most of his things to his new house last weekend. I was visiting my nephews so I didn't have to endure watching him unload the house. He took very little (mainly just his clothes, computer gear, a few pots and pans, and an air mattress) and was respectful about leaving anything that I could questionably want. Ironically, he conspicuously left four things:

1.) His electric toothbrush (which I had put away but he moved back to the sink).

2.) One outfit in a drawer with a lot of his underwear. (Maybe OW doesn't want him to wear underwear so he won't be needing it???)

3.) A pair of shoes that he always wore when mowing the lawn (mowing the lawn became an issue between us after he went AWOL, but I got the blades sharpened enough that I can now do it myself).

4.) Our contraceptive stuff in the drawer with his underwear - he's more likely to need it than me, but maybe that would be disrespectful to the other woman. I say waste not, want not and use it up...we wouldn't want OW having a second child out of wedlock.

In the midst of him moving out he called and we had an agonizing conversation. I wasn't able to keep up the friendly/cheerful Divorce Busting facade, he heard my sadness. He unloaded all of the details of his new life on me and said we need to get things "disentangled" as fast as possible because OW and her kid (the one she denied having) are moving in with him in a few weeks. He also said they are planning on getting married (they'd had six 'in person' dates at this point) and he is sorry that he "could never give me the good things" he is giving her. He painfully reminded me that he felt "no spark" for me and that none of this was my fault. He said that I made him the good person he is today...it broke my heart.

I asked him is he'd yet met the OW's son or been allowed to visit her house and he said "NO, but she's not scamming me!" (A week prior we had a really good conversation on the phone where I acted as a "friend" and he told me about the strangeness and secrecy of OW and he actually referred to her as "Crazy Lady", which delighted me to hear. I had told him to try to meet her friends, family, and son - out of fairness to everyone - before they move in together, but she had a compelling excuse why it just couldn't happen.)

Since that painful conversation, I have not spoken to him. Its been 11 days. He emailed and left phone messages for me a few times about stupid stuff - a question about a baking pan - or some other ridiculous possession that I said he could take. I replied by email to all messages at once.

Last Monday (Memorial Day) he sent a bizarre email asking if I needed any "help around the house." I said that I didn't need anything but that if there was stuff he was still wanting (his underwear???) that he was welcome to come over and get it. He sent another heartbreaking reply back:

"No, I don't need anything, I just wanted to make sure there was nothing that needs to be done in the house while I still have time."

*"While I still have time"* means before OW comes to live with him because he has constantly felt the need to reiterate that she is very possessive and will not allow him to have contact with me.

So that is where we stand, there has been no contact for a week.

How do I DB at this juncture? He had a MLC. He met a woman on the internet, he's determined to marry her as soon as possible. We weren't legally married so there is nothing I can do to stop it. DB techniques work, but they take time. Time is what I don't have. Three months ago he was in a committed 20-year relationship with me, now he's determined to make a life with a mystery woman at warp speed.

Old timers, is there anything, anything at all that I can be doing? I'm following the LRT like crazy, I'm GAL but he doesn't care, I'm changing ME, but he still seems to be on a collision course with destiny.

Please help!!!

Sweetie, you really have more time than you think. He is on a collision course that will probably have to play out. Move his stuff into a box so you don't have to stare at it.

This thing with the OW will blow up, and he will probably hit rock bottom and come crawling back.

There isn't a need to feel desperate. This is like having a teenager.

have you not seen a Lawyer throughout this ordeal?

There are such things as common law marriages and if they are recognized in Penn, then you have rights to profits from the house, the car, maintenance, and more.

If he had you on his insurance as his "domestic partner", then I'm going to guess that your state DOES have some sort of protections for you.

Contact a l asap and get a car so you aren't trapped anymore. Even if the state does not recognize common law marriages, there are usually implied contractual issues you can raise. Yes I'm a lawyer but not giving out advice here, b/c it's against numerous rules EXCEPT I can say SEE A LAWYER ASAP...at least call to ask if you have any rights and then make an appointment. THere's a chance you can get a free consult, maybe half an hour AND sometimes you can get the partner who makes the money, to pay your legal fees. He'll enjoy telling that to OW...tough...

I am struck by OW's weirdness. How does he know she isn't absconding with this kid and taking him away from his real father? It's very odd. If she's foreign I cannot help but wonder how up and up she is...how does he KNOW she's not scamming him? The good news is that they've had very little time together so A LOT of this is fantasy...wait til reality hits him in the pocketbook and face.

The more he sees that you are actually feeling pretty good, the more he'll wonder about how much of loss HE might be facing down the road. How old is he? What's his job/grad school field? And you are also a college grad? You write very well, fyi.

Back to ow...Thank GOD she's so weird b/c after a few events in real life, she might not be so appealing. Honestly, how can she be? Maybe he wanted the drama of a nutcase or rescue mission, but that wears out...

And I don't think the child will readily accept a new home, new school and new man....happily, anytime soon. Unless he's leaving a slum, and I think the marriage plans might be delayed BY HER.

What a wacky MLC...then again, my h was obsessed by Alaska and going back there at all costs...long story, but I could NOT reach him when he was in his fog. He told me I was "irrational" to oppose the move, which required moving our son and older d out of high school TWICE so he could do a fellowship in one place only to end up moving to Alaska (where we lived for 3 years a decade earlier and ALL of us hated the winters, which last 9 months) and losing a ton of money "temporarily b/c in Alaska he'd make millions"....
and blah blah blah


So after 2 years of "touch and go's" and the loss of 6 figures of income and savings (I filed for a separation to make sure he didn't mortgage the house as an "investment" up there...) and he had an awakening while up there, and we began to piece. And we're in a good place now. IN CALIFORNIA....fyi

He really ought to be paying you something at least for a transitional period. Can you access any of the accounts?

Hang in there, take a cab to get your meds if you have to, that's a priority.

((( hugs )))

maybe I'm a tad off here,

but I don't see anything wrong with you telling him you think he's been extremely unfair to you

and he suspects this. His "joke" would have startled me...as in, I might have said

"Do you think this behavior is FUNNY? Wow...

I think it's unfair as hell to me, and odd as hell for you,

but I'll come out of this alright. After all, I'm not the one gambling with my life and the life of an innocent child."

Not sure how DBing but I'd have had to retort to him b/c he's incredibly insensitive to have said that...seriously

and his behavior at this point IS a tad sociopathic. Pretty cruel for him to tell you all this stuff about OW...what's that all about ? You are his buddy?


MY sister's h left her after 22 years and 3 kids for OW...after 6 months the OW broke up with Brother in law and he told my sister he could "understand how hurt SHE was when He left her, b/c he had just "gotten dumped"


and my sister said "you think your 6 month R compares to a 22 year marriage and 3 kids, and that now you know how I feltl? Your comment itself shows how clueless you really are..."


Later on, just before she married her 2nd h (who treats her better than ex h ever did or ever could), her ex h called to tell her he "got it" and had "f'd up" and I believe he really did have regrets...too bad. She's much happier now than she would have been if they'd stayed married. Sorry but it's true. Her ex h was always the taker and she was always the giver...

Her ex h remarried too...to a real beyotch whom HE refers to as "high maintenance"...can you say "karma"?

You really will be alright. IN TIME...and much stronger for all this.