Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The show goes on

Hi Bond, yes he said his mum told him to apply for 50/50 custody. But Im not going to discuss it with her as it is non of her business and as Ive found out getting her involved only causes further problems. But you are right, I have to make sure that I dont see her in a negative light - she is S3s grandmother afterall. And for the sake of S3 I need to make our relationship amicable.

Virginia, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I appreciate it so much. You are right it hurts so much. The time away from H really did me good. It gave my wound time to heal. But when I have contact with him my wound seeps and throbs and its so very painful.

I have taken the time to reasses my situation. And you are correct. I dont want to give 50/50 custody of S3 but its not about what i want. Its about whats best for S3.
However here are my concerns:
- H is not the best parent at the moment. He feeds S3 junk food and take away. S3 is still in nappies and he came home on the weekend after having spent 10 hours with H and his nappy had not been changed all day - his pants were soaking wet! And he was starving - poor little guy. H does not take time to read him book or teach him anything. H buys his love, ie toys toys and more toys.
- H cannot do anything on his own with S3. He takes him to MILs house and hangs out there all day and night. I am worried that if he has him all weekend and MIL is busy then he will introduce S3 to OW. This concerns me as S3 is so young and OW is CRAZY!

However, in saying all of this i realise that I have no control over H's actions. And legally he has the right to 50/50 custody. H was meant to call me last night to discuss custody. I was on the phone and received a text saying he tried to call but it was busy so he will call me tomorrow. I text back 10 seconds later and told him I was free to talk. No reply. I text again half an hour later asking him if he wanted to talk. No reply. Finally an hour later I text to say that I understand that it is difficult to talk as we had not done so in over a month but when he felt like calling me regarding S3 he could do so.

Then this morning, he text me saying he got caught up so he couldnt talk. Then another message asking about his gym equipment. Followed by a voicemail asking if we could catch up tomorrow just the two of us to talk, and for me to call him back to confirm if i could make it. Then 10 mins later he calls to ask about tomorrow night again. Seriously! One minute he wont answer then I get bombarded with sms, voicemail and now he wants to talk in person.

The talk will be about access to S3 and most likely the sale of the house. I havent talked to him alone for nearly two months. Im going to need alot of PMA, strenght & luck for this one!

Journaliing:
Last night H and I met up for dinner to talk about access to S3. At first it was very awkward. Then as the night progressed we became more at ease with each other and the conversations started to flow. I asked H to bring his laptop in the restaurant to help me determine whether I was eligible for child care rebate/ benefit. He was very happy to help and this helped lighten the mood.

H told me that things at work were again stressful. His secretary hates him. He is fighting with his boss. And he is still not able to concentrate and therefore not coping with the workload. Add on top of that the fact that he just got a huge pay rise and therefore more expectations from his boss. H told me that he received a phone call from another law firm who offered him another role. One that would provide work training, more opportunities and more money. H said that he was seriously considering taking it but felt torn about the decision to leave. He said that his mind changed daily as to whether he should go or stay (such is the mind of an MLCer).

Instead of advising him what he should do, I listened. Then I asked him questions that would make him think about the situation. Then we talked about the pros and cons for both staying and going. I did not give him my opinion, I let him do the talking and express how he felt. He will have to make a decision by this Friday.

Do I want him to go? If youd asked me a couple of months ago I would have said yes. I would have wanted him to get far far far away from the OW as much as possible. But now the truth is that it doesnt matter. He needs to sort himself out. Whether its in his current job or somewhere else. OW is not the problem, he is. So at this point it is irrelevant whether he chooses his current job or the new one.

H brought up the fact that his new job would be further away from where S3 and I live. Then he said - "I havent ruled out reconciliations between us". I didn’t reply or react to this statement. Then H stated that he would like to buy an apartment close to where his new job might be. After which he asked would I consider moving there? I stated that if things were to change and we were on the right track I would consider it. He looked happy to hear this. He went on for a while about what type of apartment we should have and that we should sell both our cars and get one new one and which school S3 could attend. To me it sounded like he wanted to start new. New job, new place, new car, new life. I’m not sure what to think of this? I don’t believe what he is saying at this point, I realise this is just a touch and go – testing the water. But if he starts making moves towards this, well Im not sure if this is the life that I want??? I guess I will cross that bridge when/if it happens.

We discussed access to S3 and H told me that he knew I would feel hurt being away from S3 for so long. He said that he knew he had hurt me by his actions (meaning OW) but did not want to hurt me by taking S3. So H said that we should continue with current arrangements and we will try to make it work. I am thankful for this because I do not want to spend whole weekends without S3.

H got teary during the night when discussing S3. He said he felt that S3 did not want to be with him because he would continually ask for me. I said that this behaviour was normal/typical for a 3yr old. I told him that he did the same thing to me - asked for his dad. H was happy to hear this. But he was quite teary and so was I. I told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. So I asked him if he was happy. H said no and that he felt empty without me and S3. It made me feel so good hearing this because H had been putting on this happy persona since we separated and to finally hear him say that he felt empty was such a BIG relief.

During the night H also told me about BILs upcoming engagement party. It is going to be at his fiancés parent’s house which is in another state. H said I was more than welcome to come. And that we could drive together. Another positive me thinks - inviting me to family functions. This is a few months away so we will see how things progress. No expectations, I said thanks for the invite I will consider it.

Also during the night we got talking about sport and I said I missed watching football at the stadium (H had a membership) and H mentioned that he had tickets to a game this weekend and he didnt have anyone to go with so if I wanted the tickets I could have them. I hesitated and then said well maybe the three of us could go. Now Im not sure if thats bad DBing? But H looked really pleased and excited and said yes that would be great. We then made plans to get together at his apartment on Saturday afternoon seeing as he would have S3 and he and I could apply for the child care rebate/benefit. I said that I would bring some of S3 clothes and toys to make S3 more comfortable at his apartment. H said that I was always welcome to come to his apartment anytime. It was nice to hear that but Im looking for actions not words.

Oh heres an action that I noticed.....I showed H a photo on my phone and I said that I would send it to him. H said that he would have to check it later as he "deliberately" left his phone in the car. I said “really, why”? He said so that we wouldn’t be disturbed. Small but a still a positive action

Overall a good night out. H said that he had a really good time. And so did I. We hugged for a long time when we parted. I went home and felt at peace. I know it was a positive experience but that is what was. I realise things can change in a heart beat. I will still work on myself and focus on what I need to do and accomplish.

Journalling:

At dinner the other night I told H that I often got upset by his text messages. Either I was misreading/mis-interpreting them or he was being mean. He said he wasnt trying to be mean. I suggested he either call or we talk in person so that there are no mis-interpretations. He agreed to not SMS anymore. And breakthrough!........today he rang. He rang to confirm the time to pick up S3 and also to tell me that he quit his job. Yep you heard right he quit.

I was gobsmacked. I couldnt believe hed done it. Im not reading anything into it. Im just surprised he finally had the guts to do it. I praised him for having the courage to leave and said I was excited for him and the opportunies his new job gave him. He seemed really happy.

He said he went to the shop at lunch to purchase S3 a football shirt for the game we are watching on Saturday night. We joked about the fact that he owed me money and I said well then perhaps you should buy me a football shirt too. He laughed and again it was a very pleasant conversation.

These are baby steps and I realise that I cannot have too many expectations. If however, I were to be honest with my self, thats the part that scares me the most. I am starting to get expectations and I dont want to. I need to slow my thoughts down and back the hell away......

RNP,

I'd say slowing down and backing up a bit is smart, and congrats on being able to see babysteps!

Happy weekend!
~ Bell

Journalling:

Went to Hs apartment so he could help me complete forms for childcare benefit. All was going well. We were chatting and joking around and I even took a shower at Hs apartment as I was still in my gym gear from doing a pilates class in the morning. Then H took a shower and I went to get S3 ready so we could all go out to the football. I took S3 to Hs bedroom to get him changed and there were dirty clothes on the floor. I saw his underwear and then I stepped on something which I didn't recognize and I picked it up and saw that it was OWs corset/underwear. I wanted to vomit. I froze and felt completely paralysed. I walked out of the room and S3 was running after me. I went to another room and I sat on the floor and began to shake uncontrollably. I felt so afraid. I knew they were still together but to see and hold the evidence was too much. I just wanted to get out of there.....but I couldn't. What was I going to say? I had no right to confront him. I knew and he knows I know that they are together. But it still hurt. It hurt my husband was sleeping with OW. And in an apartment that we use to live in. And who knows maybe they live together. I just don't know anything anymore. 

But I had to make the best of it for S3. He was excited about going to the football and I didn't want to ruin it. So I pretended nothing happened and we went. It was pretty ordinary night. 

We drove back to Hs apartment and H asked if we could watch cars2 the movie next weekend as cars is S3s favourite movie. I said sure as he caught me off guard. If I had more time I would have said no. Anyway we arrived at Hs apartment and H put S3 in my car. S3 cried and said he wanted H to come home. H replied no I'll see you next week. I just got in the car and we drove home. No hugs or kisses. No text to see if we got home safe. Nothing

I feel empty. 

I want to give up because it hurts so bad. And then S3 cries when we get home and he says "I want you and daddy to be together. I want us all to be together mummy, please mummy, please" 

So for S3 I gotta keep trying. I just have to keep trying.   

RNP, You have to understand that early in his relationship, he will be very attracted to the OW. He will also drop little crumbs to kinda keep you in the picture and at the same time, he will do things, like having the OW's underwear laying around to kinda push you away. I know it sounds crazy, and it is. I would recommend that you not meet at his apartment, nor let him come to your house, but meet at a neutral place. Doing that will also get him wondering what you are doing and at the same time keep you shielded from some of that other stuff.

How's that working for you?



What about you?

Hey Red,



I am a "backburner" type thinker, so, when I was asked about something, I would reply "I'll have to get back to you on that." Gave me time to decide and not get caught offguard.

I'm sorry your hurting so badly.

HUGS

Had a great day with S3 today. Learnt how to ride a scooter and we rode to the park together. Funny how Ive been making fun of H for having one but realized just how fun it is. But the difference is I'm not bonkers! 

Speaking of which here's some of Hs odd behaviour I've noticed lately:
- H went to our old house and got our old plates and cups and cutlery etc and brought them to his new apartment. This strikes me as odd because H has spent a shyte load of money in the last couple of months and the stuff he took from our old place would have cost him very little to purchase new. 
- I saw in Hs new apartment in excess of 10 pairs of new shoes but still had his daggy old PJs hanging up
- H swears alot. Never use to and now I hear an explicit word in nearly every sentence
- H eats lots of chocolate. Never use to and now I see it every where. 
- H is very messy. Clothes on the floor in his apartment. Garbage in his car. H used to be so clean and organised

I can't shake the visual of OWs underwear out of my head. And the fact that she and H would have shagged on his bed, the same bed that my S3 sleeps in when he is there. It makes me ill. Infact when I got to Hs apartment yesterday S3 was taking his nap and I went in to check on him. He looked so peaceful in that bed. It really makes me sick. 

Thanks Braveheart for responding. I know you are right. Knowing about the A is one thing. Seeing and touching the evidence is another. I have never felt so sick in all my life. I was shaking, literally on the floor shaking. I had to hold it together for the sake of S3.

As I sat there on his floor I realised I was faced with two choices:
1. Get mad and confront him
2. Get up and act as if

I chose 2. I decided there and then that this was not going to stop me. I am stronger than this and I was determined to have a good time. So I looked for the positives of the night. Some positives were that H felt comfortable to have me in his apartment, he bought me a new team shirt to wear to the football, he saw that I was cold and got me some socks, just as I was getting ready to have a shower he put the heater in the bathroom so I wouldnt get cold and last night he sent me a text thanking me for coming.

I havent replied and Im not going to. He will be coming to see S3 on Wednesday and I believe that he might ask me to go to dinner. He will therefore be contacting me before then.

Im not sure what most of you will say about going to dinner and also going to the movies this weekend. I can assume that some of you will say that I shouldnt be going. Detach, detach, detach.

However, I have decided to go. I have seen some forward movement from H. I realise that he has not asked to come home or asked me to move in with him. However, I once received very good advice from someone very wise on this board - "You might want to reconsider the LRT only b/c "No family time" sounds punitive, AND couldn't you argue that time together as a family, if it were fun, warm, loving, kind and forgiving, would demonstrate to him that you CAN forgive and that the Road Home is Paved and Smooth...??".

I know some of you will dissagree. But I believe that DBing is about doing more of the things that are working and less of the things that are not. If I am wrong I am wrong. I might fall down and get hurt but I will pick myself up and dust myself off. Ill learn and grow from it.

I will not pursue, I will continue to GAL (infact about to head off to the gym right now), I will act as if, I will continue to do fun things with my son, family and friends. I will give H space and let him figure this out for himself.